i own everything i do.
and everything i am
(good or bad)
belongs to me
.
i have never had such assiduity
in my own existence.

there is no wonder
in why
i choose to be the island
that i am.

coming home at half past dusk
my body is so very weary
my fingers are cold
my tummy
empty
my thoughts are of home
as i trudge my way
through the darkness

a darkness that falls like
autumn leaves.

from late afternoon
the darkness settles
on the ground

starting with the sky
it falls like a billowing eiderdown
onto a cold autumnal bed

twilight flutters
and spiraling down
it slips quietly between the streets
filling fields

covering
in layer upon layer
of blues and violet hues
upon the houses
and the buildings below

tiny stars begin to glow
as the sky turns to indigo

dreams fall upon the cars
and their lonely passengers

radios on
heater cranked to ten

everyone yawning with wishes of home
waiting for the lights to change

commanders of stop and go
the sentry lollipops
are shining their beams
that dazzle so bright

like stars that burn my eyes
as only i can see
the mirage of wondrous colours

its funny how the imperfections
in my vision
make the ordinary
extra ordinary
as i am blinded by something
not real
unreal
more than ordinary

glorious illusions
of glittering light
and as i slowly open
and close my eyes
playing with
the beams to elongate
bend and dazzle
red, gold and  green
blinking in disbelief
at the traffic lights delight

night falls and dutifully
it carpets the world

from work
to home
from home
to work
from work
to home...

ad infinitum

coming home
at the end of the day
to the aroma of stew
the warmth of love

my key opens the lock to a
temporary freedom

and the so begins the unwinding
of the machines fingers
the hamster wheel stops at the door
and gratitude fills my soul as i walk in
through the real world portal

dogs barking
cats milling
food
laughter
love

yes this...
and only this....

this is a joyous wage
for a job well done

Once upon a time there was a girl
and the girl was ...
the girl was...
okay so,
she just was okay..
she just was
(i am not sure)

and she met a ... man?

he was a man but not an ordinary man.
he was ...
he was.....
loud and dangerous and kind
(only sometimes)
and he broke things.
(hearts,flowers,wooden doors,promises,
the virginity of girls)

But she didn't know that because, he was ... deceiving
(and just out of prison)
and utterly charming and 10 years older...
(but he wasn't like this every day, just most of them)

she was a child (15)
but he did love her
and she did believe him.

But then...
she was also in love with him
because she was
(after many years, co-dependent)

And from day one,
he would twist her words and make her feel
like she was going crazy

(she knew this because, this is what he told her she was)

And he would get angry and use his fists
and his voice to control her.

Also i forgot to tell you.
Her older brother used to look
in the crack of her bedroom door and watch her.
One day he asked her if he could touch her.
She was was 10
but she said no a lot of times before he believed her.

When her mum came up to say goodnight,
she was crying
(the girl)
and she told her Mum what had happened
The mum made the brother come in
and say sorry
and give the girl a hug
and to say sorry...

other things happened over the years that were creepy
(as ****)
including a handsy uncle
and a inappropriate series of
touching and kissing
from an older male house guest
who stayed until he got his own place.

The brother continued to 'watch'

So anyway,
the girl was under no illusion that
she was not to ask for things to be normal
and for things to not happen to her
that she didn't like
and to ask for her boundaries to be respected,
it was not something you just asked for
or expected...

so she stopped doing that and was silent instead
and stopped eating

and had anxiety and panic attacks
but she was told
she was not allowed to have them either,
so she turned inside herself
and stayed there

where in the corner of her mind,
in a very small room,
where only flowers grow
and the sun shines
and the sky was blue
she was safe.

So they got married.
Because that life was better than the brother/uncle/guest traumas
and she was girl who was scared
and co-dependent and wishing things
were going to be better one day.

And she was quite sure he
(her now husband)
would sleep
with other people
because some nights
he would not come home
and he would be angry
when she would ask why,
and he would say...
because she didn't give him
(as much ***)
as he deserved

so it would be her fault if he went elsewhere

(he said he had not but, if he had, it would have been her fault)

so she didn't ask anymore
because he would throw things at her

he would throw things from around the house
(an iron, a handful of coins, pliers, a hammer, his fists, lies, spiteful and cruel words)

All of them she remembered forever

So he closed her eyes and instead
she could only see through his eyes
just how stupid she was.

And how wrong and broken and twisted
she was.

And because she was wrong and broken and twisted,
she had no right
to ask for kindness.

or to ask for help.

Or to ask that
he touch softly
instead of like a creature
who did not care


for 18 years.


and then perchance

she watched a program on the telly

how people were in prison
for doing the things he had done
but they were normal
Right?
these things were normal for her

She was lucky he didn't hit harder
do all the things he did... More

and on the telly, they said that,
she was one of the people
who were...
Lucky to be alive

And she cried

and she was happy that she had found out
that she was lucky to be alive.

(not the end)

all I needed was a softer heart
i needed a kinder hand
a more gentle love

all i needed were forehead kisses
i needed kinder words
a more loving love

i needed to know
i could trust you
i needed to know
I could rely on you

i needed to feel you
softly wipe away my tears
and not to have been
the reason for them


all I needed was a trustworthy path
i needed you to lead the way
and not make me walk blindly
into nothingness

i would have walked
to the ends of the earth
with you

with forever in my heart
with always in my mind
your hand holding mine
never letting go

all  I will ever need is kindness
i only ever wanted love

all  that i crave
is soft and gentle
in a world of
stick and stones
that so easily
break my bones

i love the fields
i can look down
from the top of the hill
and see all the way to the next village
the fields roll its spring green carpet towards the south
undulating it's hips
with expectancy
ripe with nature's soon to be
summers harvest

the warm wind blows
from the south
up the fields towards us
breathing in deeply
the fragrant breeze
it's smells of green clover
and yellow buttercups
its tastes wild and mellow
a smile lingers on my lips


there are no leaves on the trees still
but winter is falling away
and i can smell earth in the air
spring is coming
and the fields beckon

wearing summer dresses
that fall lightly
about my shoulders
bear toes that delight in its soil
my face smiling up
to a blue sky
filled with
warmth and promises

i feel kisses of hope
on my tongue
scattering seeds in my mind

i have always found that
when the sun is too close
for too long
bleaching life from me

my skin burns

scalding the happiness
found in my solitude
to nothing

and i blister with
such servitude
weeping for normalcy


as i rub in the salve
made of my traumas
just to get close to the suns warmth
one more time

but i always turn
to silently falling ashes

brittle bones crumble
turning
ashes to ashes

dust to dust
and back to the earth
i shall return

until the sun shines
against my god forsaken
skin
one more time

"No.. you don't, you don't have me, I'm not yours, I'm not.
I'm glad I'm going to die.." She smiled.

She could feel nothing.
She was nothing.
Dead.

He dragged her slumped body to the sea.
She was conscious, just.
He wanted her to be awake though, for when she died.

What was the point of being King if your subjects didn't believe in you.

The sea pounded the shore. Waves came in thick and fast. The wind buffeted his body, but he remained steadfast.
She lay on her back in the water, the waves spilling over her but not rousing her.

He held the front of her hoodie so she was above the water, her eyes still closed as he told her how she would die.

She heard him. And smiled.
Lifting her above the waves by her clothing he manhandled her into the dark swelling sea.

The snow fell as he walked her out a few more feet and then he held her under.

She felt the sea try to take her and she fought it.

Nature, instinct, the last vestiges of will found their voice and they fought for her. Her hands pounded his arms as he held her under. Her body convulsed as she fought, one last time, to breathe above the waves.

And slowly she gave in.
Became heavy.
She could see him above her, through the waves.
She wasn't scared. She could feel his hands about her throat. She could see him, in glorious clear water colours.
He stood above her in the snow and the sky and the sea.
She let herself go.

She let herself breathe below the waves.
breathe in.
So easy.

And so he buried her, under the sea.
And in the depths, he held her there,

until she stopped.