A sky full of stars is only seen in the darkest of lights. . .
And there is so much sense to make out of that
But I cant explain it
Write it down
As it drains it

Of its unhuman like complexity
As everything in life is merely a reflection of its essence
The universe is a reflection of the atoms in your cells
And it's so complex yet so simple
If you dont explain it
It's so simple

Sink into it
As it is what we define as truth
It is the essence
It is the core
And it is within you

Observe and listen
And let it be

And what shall happen
Shall be

And we might be as harmonious as the blue sky and the sea
As the stars shining at night in the dessert

Or we might just be a passing like the weather.

You know when you get food poisoning and you have to rest your stomach and eat small portions of easy to digest foods for a while till your stomach can digest normally again .

As cheesy as it may sound but I had a soul and emotion poisoning .
And I keep digesting ****** horrible horrible horrible food for my soul .. so how can it heal .
How can I be real again
How can I be here?
How can I be here
How can I exist
When my soul is poisoned

Glued to my computer screen

Is this called living

I'm hooked to this show

Filled with people I don't really know

And every minute of it is killing

And I push my life to rott , willing

Is this called living

When I leave all my worries

Just to fill my mind with their worries

Is this called living ?

Fangirling over made up gimmicks

The calm after the storm
I am not one to stay with the norm

You're like the salty wind at the sea
A nice breeze

I'm finally coming to ease
Up

You're that flower growing in the street crack
I want to pick you up
Smell u
Put in a vase
And plant you in my vains

For a dose of dopamine
Talk a little
And feel a little something

You're a cute flower grown between the cement.
I want to pick you up.

My words have failed me
I can no longer explain
From my own thoughts
I'm drained.

All I know is I want you .

I will do .
and I will be .
Even if it's the death of me.

I wish to be your blanket
I wish to be your warmth
I wish to be your protection
I wish to be there for you when your cold

I wish to be a blanket
But sometimes I wish more
And that's when it gets sore
Cause you aren't my blanket
When I'm feeling cold
And so I find warmth
In keeping you warm

I wish to be your blanket
I wish to make you happy
And sometimes I wish I wouldn't wish more

I sense the ache like it's in the air
I roll my thumb and my index finger together
Like I'm giving it a taste

I shiver
But is it the blowing wind
Or is it cause I'm scared ?

Scared to admit
I'm hurt
Scared to admit
I'm rejected
Scared to admit
You did it

I care about you too much that I wont allow u to do this.

But whatever
I dont care get dressed whatever
Cause it out of my control
How you feel and your soul

So I deny myself
To keep you near
I deny my hurt
And detach my fears


I wont let you hurt me
Cause, Love.
I dont want to Hate you.

So I criminalize my feelings
And put it in a cuff

I feel it in the air
I sense it between my fingers
Or is it between my bones ..?

I dont know if I love you
Cause I wouldnt dare ..

But this ache is too familiar now
Its like it's always been there

I wish I can set it free
And cry
Instead of this already solved mystery
Of truth and self-lies
Of this numbed ache

I wish I could be with you
I wish I could take being without you
I wish I could admit that I love you

But, Love.
But I wouldnt dare..

Be
Just Be

That is all there is and all there will be.

Infinity sign crossing over like a million webs
Sown together in a complete blissful mess

That is all there is and all there will be.

This.
You
And
Me

The sky feels like it's drawn on
Like a ceiling has that has been put on
My skin feels like it's been sown together
And my life's events feel like they're looping in a loop of forever.

Once your eyes have been opened
It's hard to go back
It's hard not to go mad
And the hardest thing is to dive in deeper
In meaning.

So just be
That is all there is and all there will be.

Just be.

That is my advice from you to me.
From me to you.
It's doesn't differ, really.

Cause this is all there is and all there will be.

So, just be.

I drove away to another place
All I see is your face
The astetic of your touch on my skin
Gave me the chills
My core shakes in your presence
And I can feel a tingle

Whyd you look at me that way
I never though of you before this way

Have you thought of me too
Do I give you chills ?
Are you just hiding it a little too well ?

Or have I drove myself away too far
Have I reached the stars with my own misconception
My own thoughts my own wishes my own fairytale ..

Or did you leave the trail ?

Giggles giggles
you can hear a soft cry for help
between those giggles
and she laughs
and then she giggles

Let me in    
Let go and
Let me free fall through that florescent universe inside you
Let all the colors of the rainbow fall in my eyes the one's that you egnite
Can I live there in your heart right between your skin I'll blend in .
Let me sway between your fingers and fall asleep on your lips.
Let me live my days in your deep sparkling eyes that hide what my mind wants to hide
Let me inside
Let your demons burn me alive
Let your troubles hit me till I'm black and blue
I don't care cause I'm inlove with everything about you
Let you're essence crawl on my skin
So everyone would know

let me in
and don't ever let me go

Let me write you a song
as my heart breaks and my mind shakes
cause you are perfectly wrong

Helpless to your agonizing power  
all I can do is write you a song
Hoping you'd sing along

cause babe I've been up all night long
with your image replaying like a movie in my mind
a movie about all what you said
it keeps replying and replying
in my head
And all I can do is write you a song

How can you be this great
yet put me in my worst state
I shouldn't have gotten close
but it's too late
I took the bait

All I can do now is write you a song
same old love song
telling you how it hurts
and how I'm addicted
how your eyes take me places
How you keep breaking my heart
and I keep trying to fix it
how I hate, want, envy, lust and love you all at the same time  

Babe you are the best but you bring out the worst in me

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up

Light it up
Till it the gas slowly disappears in the air
And the light is out

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up
And watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Till it burns out
And the light's out

So you roll it with your thumb
It lights up
And lights out

So you roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
And sparks
But doesn't light up

So you roll it with your thumb
And you watch it
Spark
Spark
But doesn't light up

So you get frustrated
And roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
But doesnt light up

It doesn't light up no more
And your actions cause no reaction
And your frustration turn to distress

And the distress feels like home
The only home you've ever known

All I want is to stay
with someone I love and rely on
under a tree
have a cigarette
As serenity fills the scene
and it feels like movie scene
We have faded in our own world
Faded like the colors in the polaroid camera
and this doesn't have to rhyme
cause it's mine
my perfect world

I've never been more myself
Yet I've never been more lost.

You know when you know you should feel something but you don't ?

You know when you go through the motions of the day but you're gone ?

You know when you know if you feel for one thing you will feel everything that is going wrong ?

That will hurt you
Everything that might destroy you.

And you're surrounded by it
By everything wrong.

I forgot how sad it felt
I forgot how mad I felt
I forgot everything that went wrong.

And here we are . . . .  

Affected by the experiences
Lost in the meaning of any of it
It's all irrelevant  
It's all meaningless
Then why am I here
When I don't care anymore
And I can't feel

All that's left is a reoccurring questioning of the self ..
When will I leave this state of limbo
And Will I ever leave this state of limbo
Maybe I won't

Life is meant to be lived
And living is not the made up myth
Seizing the moment and feeling constant bliss
Life is meant to be lived
And living is what this is.

Sitting in this white plain rectangle of a desk
Piled up with all the accumulated mess
Missing my brain but trying to impress
I ride this wave
I ride this wave
I ride a car
I ride my brain
I ride your mind
I know that your mind is serine
It fixes my bein'
It's a light house beam
And I'm drowning in this scene
And I wish to come clean
But you fill the scene and you beam
I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't gravitate
To this attraction
It's not magic
It's static
It's Flabrostaic
Cause your being is nothing I could've imagined

But still it's not magic
It's just problematic

Lights dimmed
Red soft lights
Baroque colors everywhere
Like sipping wine in a coffin

Sweet, free, dead.

Like blood pouring out the vains
And it pains but there's no pain

A soft image of you.  Dark ...Slim ..
Distant.

Constantly there
In my head
Constantly out of reach
In my life

And if I can take in this *******, I would.
and if I can make it better, I would.
And if you're disappointed then let it be.  
Cause I made it be .

The rules and regulations put on me.
Renting a few moments of life, and a moment of you is what I need.
A moment I would pay morals for, disappointment for, guilt for.

Work, snakes, frienemies, money *****, white collar slavery, broken family, unwanted love, incapability, mistakes, lost.

But the image of you feels sweet.
A sweet maroon glass of wine
Divine
Mine ...
I wish

Maybe Im sick
Maybe not

Maybe I can hold the strings to your every move
Maybe not

Maybe I am the ice to your drink
Sip sip and sink
Maybe not

Maybe I make believe
Maybe not

Maybe I drew you in mind
And you just appeared
Maybe not

Maybe I know more
Maybe not

Maybe we can just be
Your the wind and Im the tree
And you sway sway sway me
But my roots are thick and I stay still
And we both know the drill

Maybe not ....



Maybe I shouldnt be this way
Take in too much of life and just spill
Every piece of my mind over your brand new will
That you worked hard for cause you were ill

Maybe not

So maybe I can stay
Maybe not

Misuse abuse
It was the choice for me to choose

I got love for you if you love me too
Use me like a napkin for all the sorrows
And throw away
And I keep on playing
Cause I choose to misuse and abuse myself

Like I couldn't choose but I did
I choose and I choose again
And I choose then I choose again
And I make belief that I got nothing to loose
Cause Im just figuring it out cause I am confused

But it won't be the same
Being able to feel with many
Like I'm here to help you
And be funny
Like I owe to make him feel better
No matter my mind or the weather
I OWE HIM TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER

And I owe everyone who's sweet and under the weather
I crave illness cause Im ill
And think if I make it better for him
Might make it better for me
But it's making it worst

Attaching myself worth to my capability to help
When I need help

And the feeling is not rough nor soft
Its a constant plainness of thought
And plain seems nicer than my natural state

So I abuse and misuse myself ...


And I am blessed and cursed to feel with everyone
And I take take take in everyone's pain
Till I feel numb

And if you drink too much your tolerence gets higher  
And when I take in too much my tolerence gets higher
And it's a viscous cycle and Im being a ******* lier
To myself
As I misuse and abuse
And it is and it was my choice to choose.

It's that corky laugh that comes out  
when you just open you mouth.

Let it out
It's those words that you didn't think about.

it's that hug that you didn't expect
it's that rush that you didn't expect.

it's that day your eyes looked a little wider
and your skin looked a little brighter.

your high was a litter higher
and the world made no sense.

it's those moments when your mind brightened your end.
when you believed a little more.

when you've worked so hard to get there
but now it doesn't feel so sour.

Those tiny little things
Are worth living for .

First time I saw you
I craved the moments I would get to know you
Those tiny moments we had contact.

Those tiny revelations
Slowly unwrapping this sensation
Still leaving much to my imagination

With each word you spoke
I connected the dots
Like you were a mystery to solve
with time we evolved
and in your life I got involved

I craved the moments I could explore you
push you to the limits I wanted more of you
explore the reasons behind your smile
explore the truth behind your lies
and lies behind your truth

explore you !
Dig right through you
I wanted more

I would explain you, explain myself
then compare
and slowly I developed disappointments and scares
of how much I cared
and how much you could reciprocate
all the things I felt
all the things I dreamt

but still I wanted more
I would dig right through your soul
I would explore
all those roads and all those walls
you put up

I had a clear picture now
and it wasn't in glitter like how I put you
it was raw and odd

But I still explored
and I wanted more
more of you
More of love
more of understanding this
Me
you
us

but how much is enough
The picture is turning grey
and this want just grows
the more it knows
And it feels more hollows
the more I get
the more I want
the more it's hollow

but I still want more .

The sun rises and coffee drips
I sip the bitter sweet blackness and think
I light a cigarette and I sink
Into another day another show.

Put on the mask and let go
Cause the real me can't survive
But no matter how much I hide it the real me shows.

I think of the world, the pain the suffering the wars.
I think of my friends and try to put a smile on
I think of my family and its cover me in emotions of a sad but sweet song.

I think of anyone to get my day on
But no one sparks me up and no I'm not in love.
And I'm not sure if that might ever happen
If I'm stuck in the state they call "madness"
Existential questions constantly on my mind
Why are we here, and does god really mind
My "sins" and how deep can we fall
And it seems like my life is on thin ice .

And I recall my dreams that are so vivid every night.
And I mix them with reality, painting an abstract painting in my mind.
Coding myself more, as meaning is held in complexity.
Or so I heard once said to me.

I sip my coffee and I think.
I used to write meaning and now its this thing.
Whatever you may call this.

I want to go after my dreams but my dreams aren't ever pretty
They're complicated and ******
And myself is nothing but this whole universe in disguise
In this case I call mine
And that makes everything matter and nothing matter

Coffee is my favorite drink
I dont do juices and other things
Just coffee or water
Black or white
Nothing inbetween

And so my mornings begin

It's all aligned in my head, my thoughts are clear I see the dirt and I see the green. I can talk I can explain me. I have value I have a dream.
People are fascinated by me, some discourage me some don't understand me some don't see my value, but some do. And I do.
I can speak I can form a thought I can express my sanity.
I can speak I am speaking but not everyone is meant to listen. Not everyone is meant to know me.
I have a guideline I have a system but it's a crisis management mentality.
I'm controlled by emergency I'm controlled by the need.
The need for me to be sane the need for me to form value the need for me to form an understanding.

But what happens when it's gone. What happens when I'm lost again. What happens when I can't explain. What happens when the light is dark and the darkness is my light and everything is slipping between my figures and I can't I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be in control I don't want to believe I make my destiny cause then I have done a shifty job and it's all because of me.
What happens when I know can have the ultimate lifestyle what happens when I know I can be the best and it all depends on me.
What happens when I know no one can truly help me but me, and I know that I can't help me.
What happens when I'm falling and no one is watching over me ?

I know now I was in that place I know now I can be better I know now I am going to fall again and I know now that I don't know.

It's crazy when you are the smartest person in the room and you feel like the dumbest I know now that I am not typical not even on the surface

I know now that I am a universe and I am not a garden to control and to maintain.
I know now that I am in a universe and not my own world I know now that I can't define what defines me.
I know now that I am in control when I am in control and that something is controlling me.

I like the bitterness in my black coffee
I like the singe in my cigarette

And I fall in love with the pain you cause me
the roughness in your words
The bitterness in your black soul
the singe that burns on the tip of your lips

I'm addicted to the bad in good things ..

My life is an art film
Long pauses
Long stares into the distance
Prominent silence

You don't know what the **** is happening
I don't know what the **** is happening
Everyone left
Everyone knows
Yet they don't care


My life is an art film
No one knows what the **** is going on
What is going on

Am I that unlovable
Am I that unbearable?
Should I just stay in my silence
Should I **** up more
Should I always be out of the zone
Like I'm floating over my own life
Unaware
Not really there
Is this where I belong

Am I meant to be misunderstood
Am I meant to misunderstand
Am I meant to be alone
In my own thoughts
Crawling with unmet demand

How can I be there
I'm unlovable
How can I be lovable
If no one loves me
If everyone I got close to left me
Everytime
Everytime
Every ******* time.

Should I stay in this art film
Or maybe try to make sense out of it
Become a drama
Or maybe
A tragic comedy

Beaming sun above my head
tons of sand hills ahead
my aura is blood red
but it kinda feels like
.. I'm dead

A desert that never ends
All I see is the sand hills ahead

golden sand , golden sand !

This must be the ultimate dry land

filled with golden sand.

Beaming sun above my head
I keep walking ahead
But I might as well just stop
cause I can't see an end.

So, what's the point
I can't see one water drop
I might as well just stop.

Beaming sun above my head
I keep walking and walking
up-hill
with my aura turning red as blood
but it still; it still feels like I'm standing still.

You need a little time
So your soul and this world can intertwine

Peoples words will fade away
But yourself will stay
Stay with you

You need a little time
You got all these mountains to climb

You got a heart made of gold
but you forgot you forgot your worth

You can't let yourself fall behind
But you need ! You need a little time

If I could I would give you mine
Your worth my time

Smoke

      Music

           Night lights
                                                  Could almost mistake this for *love

The concrete sparkles, as the light of passing cars creates constellation in my soul.

The wind sways on my skin, and it's melody keeps me company .

flashes of your smile echo in my head, and I don't know what I love more you or the memories  of  you on nights like this .

it's not a good sign when you want to disappear in someone
Is it ?

It's not a good sign when you Truly don't believe is anyone
Is it ?

It's not a good sign when you don't have much of a reason to keep going
is it ?

But lately I've noticed most people driving their lives blind
So no need to analyze the signs
Right ?

cause at least you'll enjoy the rush

Of not knowing when you'll crash

All the little things that make me happy
All the little things that make me.. me
Are all irrelevant nonsense
Or so I was told...

I've been conditioned to believe it doesn't matter
The fact that I lost a friend
That fact that I have a friend
The fact that I want to stay up late at night
The fact that I can't stay up all night
The fact that I want my painting up on the wall
The fact that I can't have my painting up on the wall
The fact that I want to be alone
The fact that I can't be alone
The fact that I'm depressed
The fact that it doesn't matter that I'm happy

I've been conditioned
To give no meaning to things that mean a lot to me
And now you want me to care ?
I'm sorry it's too late cause I'm not there
I'm not here
I can't care
And the reality of this gives my deepest core and bones a scare

You think it doesn't matter
Then what does matter
Tell me
What does matter
Can I follow you like a slave
Can I be your trained dog
Maybe then it would be easier for me to live
Maybe I should give in
Live misirable
But I'm already misirable
So who cares ?
Nothing matters anyway

I thought it would hurt more with time
I thought I would never forget you
They say if I didn't forgive you I will never get over you
But I didn't forgive and I forgot I forgot your face your voice your walk
I forgot
And when I did see you I remembered exactly why I did what I did
Why I left
You don't deserve me
I'm too good for you
And it was either I treat you the why you treat me or I leave
So I did and I forgot and now
That you reminded me
I'm glad it's over
I'm not even glad
The feeling I have is indifferent it's nothing
I'm not sure how to describe it I just know it's not regret.

Words
Words.
Words.
Codes

Pick up on the pieces
But  its nice to say nothing
Right now

Some hate me right now
Most love me conditionally

Sitting on the concrete
And my thoughts speak
So I stay silent


I treated my friends like kings
And I treated them like ****

I really dont know.

So Ill surrender up
And stay quite
Stay silent
No need to make meaning

And its not sadness
Its not happiness
I have nothing to say
Cause im numb
I did it
I made myself numb again

And all I hear is a soft guitar strum
Tum tum tum tum tum tum
Hovering over my manic and depressive thoughts

So I wont talk ...


And I know my family
Loves me
I know my baby cares
But I dont think they care about me

Or I dont care about me
And Ive lost myself in me

But there's no use of making meaning
So Ill stay quite

Ive been this way since 16
But lately ive been non-existent
And ive been to more places
Than I've dreamt
And Ive meet more people
And Ive done so many things
Ive dreamt i would do

But day and night
I keep stressing my mind
And theres no reason for it
Cause we will all die
That's why  my memories are vague

My memory is our photo on instagram
Of the night I should havr fallen inlove

And he left me
And she left me
She knew me

And my life is ice cold
Under the snow
Burried in white

And I cant
Write words
I cant
I dont know how to make it better
Only worst

Watch the flame of my lighter
Light up over and over
Over and over

And theres nothing but void
On the glittering streets
On the flowers, on the trees
In my skin in my eyes
In the words you speak

I need some aliens to come and tell me the meaning of life
And answer all my whys
So for now
Ill stay quite


Cause words words
Those codes
Im over them.

So let's escalate our senses tonight
Are you crazy like me
Are u in pain like me ?

Let's make sense of it with extreme nonesense tonight

I don't understand how to be
What
         I
            Want
                      To  
                            Be .

Like the front lights of a car flashing right in my eyes  
I can't see.
It's right there I know it is
but I can't see.

and
I don't want to look down
I don't want to look back
and I can't get myself to look up

I just look straight forward at oblivion light
                          Cause
Being oblivious is better than my reality.

Write on the paper
Roll the paper
Put it in a bottle
And let it go

The sea will change
Yet the bottle will float

No you are not a coincidence
I've created you
And so you are

And these barriers I've created too
Just cause I dont trust my fall after being with someone like you
Like I'm not good enough
Nor do I want to be used

But you are here
You're really near
And yet I am here waiting
For you
I am here waiding
And I've caused that too

The beauty of the ocean
Is in its deep blue
And I am inlove with the blue
So deep down I dont want you to want me too. . . .

One
two
I remember to breath

three
four
your getting close

five
Six
That feeling hits  

seven
eight
I give in to fate

nine
ten
This ain't right ; I back off and I play pretend

Paint me in your favorite  colors
Because what your eyes see is what's beautiful in me
so would you keep looking
when I'm happy when I'm sad when I'm mad
Just keep looking at me

and paint me in your favorite colors ..

See you rambling
mad
You car got taken
Sad  
You lost you're job
Bad
But there's a song playing
And it sounds so good
I care about you
And I don't want to be misunderstood
But the song is playing
And it sounds so good
And dancing right now
Sounds so good
And your smile would make me feel so good
If I could tell you a joke I would          
But you're sad
And this is the only time we have
So cheer up a little  
If Things aren't going right
Let's go left tonight
There's no battle so no need to fight
Let all your troubles slide

I know them

They are the
                        pieces
                                 ­  and
                                            bits of their past experiences      

A piece of their parents

A piece of their friends

And a piece of everyone they have ever met

But tomorrow is a different day

A different experience

Will I know them then?

They say be free
Be great
Be unique
Words spoken with no reason
Cause with them you can't treason
Be free
While they cuff you every time you try to flee  
Be great
While they're controlling your fate
Be unique
Means choose one of what they chased  
They say be free
They say be free
You hypocrites
You base words on what ?
how can you be so tortuous
As to make me reason my every step
Then you crush it
You make me dream so big
Then you crush it
Over and over and over
They say be free
I guess freedom in their dictionary means be everything we want you to be
Be replicates of us    
So they say be free
They say grow
They mean grow around this tiny box
Grow but don't you dare and argue with us
So they say be free and grow and be unique
But they mean standard unique
You know, like being like everyone else.
So be free but don't be
Be free like us
Grow but don't grow
Grow like us
Be unique but don't be
Be unique like us
Well guess what you got your wish
Now you feel how unpleasant dealing with someone like you is ..

Rain on my parade
Of loud nonsense
where each drum and trumpet
Plays it's own tune on it's own tempo
and all the big balloons
are popping from the intensity of the sound
The destination is blocked so we keep going in circles round and round
but with all the noise I can still feel the sharpness of one sound
One sound
the lowest yet so loud
rain on my parade of nonsense
so I can stop and look around
under the phony moving vehicles
behind the eyes of people watching so critical  
Heavy rain would be a miracle  
rain
rain
rain
and break everything down

Guns

       Loaded

Feelings

       Exploded

Danger

        Created

Our future

         Faded

The Seconds

        Inflated

Heartbeat

        Racing

Are you ready

        To face it ?