I sense the ache like it's in the air
I roll my thumb and my index finger together
Like I'm giving it a taste

I shiver
But is it the blowing wind
Or is it cause I'm scared ?

Scared to admit
I'm hurt
Scared to admit
I'm rejected
Scared to admit
You did it

I care about you too much that I wont allow u to do this.

But whatever
I dont care get dressed whatever
Cause it out of my control
How you feel and your soul

So I deny myself
To keep you near
I deny my hurt
And detach my fears


I wont let you hurt me
Cause, Love.
I dont want to Hate you.

So I criminalize my feelings
And put it in a cuff

I feel it in the air
I sense it between my fingers
Or is it between my bones ..?

I dont know if I love you
Cause I wouldnt dare ..

But this ache is too familiar now
Its like it's always been there

I wish I can set it free
And cry
Instead of this already solved mystery
Of truth and self-lies
Of this numbed ache

I wish I could be with you
I wish I could take being without you
I wish I could admit that I love you

But, Love.
But I wouldnt dare..

Hello
hello

echo. .   .     .       .

I can hear you sad soul
I can hear your lonely self
Have you locked yourself
in a jail cell for the sake of appearances
So you wouldn't need anyone
unless they come to visit
You show them how sane you are
cause it's a visit

come in whenever you want
come in to my soul to my mind
yea it's nice when I'm fine
Where lights and roses intertwined
but you don't come when it's closed
you never knock on my doors

And now I sit here in this jail cell
where I don't need you
it's pathetic but at least I don't need you
I sit here with the lights closed
trying to fix it on my own
trying to call out on my own
Like
hello
hello
all I hear is the

echo. .  .    .       .


I'm waiting for a visit
So the lights would turn on
But I wouldn't let you know
that they were ever off
So you wouldn't be scared off
So you would still come to visit

It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
When you are all by yourself kind of alone
But you're in this zone of self recognition
Self knowledgement and it's  too much self actualization
It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
Your on a ride a slow ride and it's kind of dark and it's kind of fun
But I'm here and I can't be anywhere else
There's no one to call no one to talk to even if they're near
You talk but its just sounds you say to get by  
And your left here kissing your  nicotine
It's the only thing that gets you that hears you
Your a slave for that nicotine
It's kind of good for you but it's also the death of you
But it's kind of good for you cause it's the only thing keeping you sane
But it's also the death of you
And it's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
But you can't be can't be anywhere else

You and me
can be
in a world
made
of sweet honey
bee

chocolate strawberries
and a cigarette

Swaying to the melody of the ocean's waves
The sunsets forever stays

where everything you say is so funny
It tickles and it prickles through my tummy
And I cry so happy

Where the sky is pained bright blue and pink and yellow and purple and orange
Where we never feel mellow

Where is this world?
Where is the map that leads to it
Is it Engraved in your eyes
will I ever find it behind those lies ?

Giggles giggles
you can hear a soft cry for help
between those giggles
and she laughs
and then she giggles

2014 this is a good bye
I know I won't be able to change you
I won't be able to explain to you why
Why we were on the run and why I never had the time

2014 you're like him
You left me paralyzed
Identity crisis
But our photos won't lie

These pictures say we are happy
These pictures say we are young
And these pictures won't lie

2014 I can't call you up
I can't see you
cause you're gone now
you aren't mine

but these pictures say we were happy
these pictures say we were young
and these pictures don't lie

I think you've made me cold
I think you made me think it's better

Oh god .

I think you made me rude
You made me a little more insensitive  
A little more defensive

it was you
you
you

She was sweet cause she spoke words that were sugar coated and shoved it down your throat just like a pill, a pill to cure you but it only makes you more ill.

Watch me be a *****
and alienate myself

Watch it
Watch it

Watch me die a little bit inside
Watch it
Watch it

Cause I'm sick of being kind
I'm sick of crying each and every ******* night
I'm sick inside
I'm sick of these exploding emotions I'm trying to hide
I'm sick inside

I knew better
But you made me sick sick inside
I can't do better
Cause you made me sick
To my stomach each and every ******* night

Don't glamourise busy-ness
Don't glamourise exhausion

Don't be mislead
And think that it's home

To being great.


You  are meant to live each moment
Like it's your own
Stare into the distance
Dance and lay in bed
Work then get bored
Love then move on
Grow and get old.

Accomplishment is a perception
of what you want

Take it easy
Take it slow
And if you want run fast
And lose control
But don't exhaust yourself  
For things you don't want

It's your life your feelings your way
Your time your soul.

So do it how ever you want it
Cause there's no rights or wrongs.
Just try your best to consider others
And carry on.

The nights are like rusty chains
Hours days years go in vain
I'm slowly drained
My body is rusty like the chains
I am lost on a road to somewhere
Come here go there . Everyone says
everyone begs I take care
I wish my health wouldn't be at stake
Cause the nights are like rusty chains
Subsequent and burned out
And so it only seems fair to fuel my rusty veins
with this rusty cigarette to rust my mind
so I can fit in my rusty days  
Fit in this inescapable place

I can't see you
I can't call you up . . .....

Is there metal cage around your heart
all these feelings, where do I start
I can't be with you
I can't be with you
cause you ache my heart

****.

I am here
I see me
I feel me
I am here ..
I am here ..

I've missed me that was lost in loving you
But now I'm here I'm complete with out you

Glowing concrete
But a worn out side walk
Cause those lights would make the blind see
So bright it resembeles eternity
And enternal light is where i want to be
Eternal light is where im bound to be
Eternal light of this old club called 23

This bar stoll is bound to break
If i sit on it with all my mistakes
on my shoulders is everything i could take
And cant take
But im blending in with the music my heart beats fast with or without this music
I see you and i ask you to abuse it
This emptiness that i came with
Undress this mess
And dance till death

But they tell me this club was closed since 1994
So how'd you open this door
This club was burnt down to the floor
The people who died here you can still hear them roar
Since 1994
Their ghost still roams the halls
They say you can check in but you can never leave

But your image I breath
So can you please leave me here ..

And this voice keeps saying
You ain't **** ...
You ain't ****...

And when you stopped talking to me
This voice kept saying
I aint ****
I aint ****

And everyday when I say a wrong word and when you look at me like I'm silly
When you think I am silly
I hear u say I aint ****


Will maybe I aint ****

And I can't sleep at night cause this voice is too loud

And Im trying to sink into life
Cause Im floating above like i am high

Cause Im starting to believe there is nothing but existance
And the sky and the sun and the moon
And the earth and the planets
There is nothing but being
And I am you and you are me

And what does this all mean
All I keep hearing is that
I aint ****
I aint ****

There is nothing
And I am nothing
And you are nothing
And this is nothing
But a feeling
I am creating
And I am living it
And I am repeating it
And its all me
And all I tell myself
Is I aint ****


And I want it to link up
I want it to have meaning
I want to believe
Theres something meant behind every step
And every word
And everthing

I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle

I thought it would hurt more with time
I thought I would never forget you
They say if I didn't forgive you I will never get over you
But I didn't forgive and I forgot I forgot your face your voice your walk
I forgot
And when I did see you I remembered exactly why I did what I did
Why I left
You don't deserve me
I'm too good for you
And it was either I treat you the why you treat me or I leave
So I did and I forgot and now
That you reminded me
I'm glad it's over
I'm not even glad
The feeling I have is indifferent it's nothing
I'm not sure how to describe it I just know it's not regret.

STOP!

Freeze my insides

wait while I freeze my insides

Let me freeze my insides

Cause I can't handle the hate I'm feeling or the hate you give me or the resentment with no reason or trying to find a reason to care I try you try and we keep trying
you make me doubt what makes me me , what makes me smile
am I ever good enough for you
never so
might as well freeze
I will freeze
freeze .



But the truth is I'll just show you more love and wait for you to care over and over again.

Like a veil has been lifted
Or has it been put on?

The world seems nothing like it did before.

And my words come out just to fill a hole.

I feel emotions by trying to remember how they felt like.

I copy the motions and expressions in hopes that it will bring back.

What once felt like being "alive".

I quite the voices in my head telling me it's a lie.

That my memories are an illusion, giving me hope that never existed.

And it was and all is just a fabrication of my mind.

Lately it's been hard for me to smile...

And if you see me smiling ..
it's not from the corners of my eyes
It's not from the center of my heart
It's not from the thoughts in my mind

I like to go to my own space
I like to draw my own stars
I like to dream of my own skies
I like to speak to my own mind

I tell me all good things
I tell me all good things
I tell me all good things
And I keep telling me all good things
I tell me I am alive

I give me strength to keep going
But I need you to truly smile ..

Why can't you just let me love you?

You're in my ears
And every wave of sound you make
Is slowling my heart's pounds
And every word interprets my thoughts
And it makes me feel okay

You are the host to my parade
And your description is on point
Like this song on my life was coined
And my soul and your voice have joined

I thought if I ever got this lost
Someone or something would find me

I thought if I ever felt this low
I might just drop dead and die

But the thing about life is that it keeps going
It doesn't care how you survive

And the thing about you is that you don't care enough
And the thing about me is that I keep hoping you will
And my hope you ****
every time .

Don't think just be
Reiterate that with me
You'll see and I'll see
There no one there for free

Do you know what you're doing ?
Yes I'm being me

Who are you?
I know who I was this morning but I've changed a couple of times since then

So how do you feel?
I feel nothing and everything
I feel the lungs burning but I feel no harm
I feel my mind being scattered but I feel it's a charm
I feel my god but I feel he doesn't mind
I feel my consciousness and I know it's inside
But I don't feel those rules that I'm trying to abide
I feel you hurt but I don't hurt likewise
He feels me hurt but he doesn't feel my inside
It's a full circle that comes around
And if you **** up its always going to be your past
And if you mind then I mind
But if you don't then let's go along
Sing a song play my heart like it's wrong
But it's right cause I don't feel my insides
But I feel you right now
And your sound makes my heart pound
And you eyes hides no lies but no emotions too
Are you feeling blue or are you numb like me
Standing up for the sake of the your greed for life
U want it but it's not in sight

I'm I lost in my own made up fairytale

Or did you leave the trail . . .  .    .         .             .

Write on the paper
Roll the paper
Put it in a bottle
And let it go

The sea will change
Yet the bottle will float

No you are not a coincidence
I've created you
And so you are

And these barriers I've created too
Just cause I dont trust my fall after being with someone like you
Like I'm not good enough
Nor do I want to be used

But you are here
You're really near
And yet I am here waiting
For you
I am here waiding
And I've caused that too

The beauty of the ocean
Is in its deep blue
And I am inlove with the blue
So deep down I dont want you to want me too. . . .

Can you read right through my sour rejection
we are both repelling like it's a chore
Can you read right through my sour rejection
cause I can read right through yours
and I'm just stuck on the fact of who wants it more
So,
why

why

why ?
Are we repelling like it's a chore
when in fact we are racing on who wants it more

Clean that soul
before you find yourself swallowed in a black hole

No one to console you
Cause all the ones that loved you let you go
They let you go

So won't you clean that soul
Your more than you know

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up

Light it up
Till it the gas slowly disappears in the air
And the light is out

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up
And watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Till it burns out
And the light's out

So you roll it with your thumb
It lights up
And lights out

So you roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
And sparks
But doesn't light up

So you roll it with your thumb
And you watch it
Spark
Spark
But doesn't light up

So you get frustrated
And roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
But doesnt light up

It doesn't light up no more
And your actions cause no reaction
And your frustration turn to distress

And the distress feels like home
The only home you've ever known

Like those floating detailed artistic creations that fall down in winter
A snow flake is what you can create
You draw the pieces to everything
You make the sweet sunrise in your life
You make yourself rise
And if they ever ask you to testify
Tell them you made it
Tell them you created it
Tell them and articulate it
Its beauty and magic

Its beauty
Its beauty
Oh how beautiful
How so ******* beautiful
You've made
Cause you made it

She was filled with desire, crave to be free to give  with no fee. It was engraved in her soul radiating through her eyes ,from just looking at her you know how eccentric she was but desire is a double edged sword of pleasure and pain that would drive any constrained person insane . She didn't know how to exist with all this pain so she ripped out her own eccentric vain. And now she's lost in being another human that is just plain.

I feel everything and a little more
I feel so much for you that it's has become sore
I feel the blink of your eyes
I feel pounding of your lips
I feel the movement of your hands

I feel the waves of gradient brown in your eyes

I kinda just want to disappear
Paint myself clear

I kinda just want to disappear
Wanting has become senseless
Taste has become tasteless

And tiredness has become endless
And resting has become restless
And I kinda just want to disappear

Its too much fear for me to feel
Its too much, of much that it stopped bringing me to tears.

I kinda just want to disappear.

Heart clinch
A gut pinch

Look at the screen
Can't see clear
My phone is shaking
My hands are shaking

Sounds amplified
Hearts pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed.

Neurons linking and multiplying till it becomes a crowd pit
Thoughts smooshed to the edge of the stage
Screaming quick solve it!

They shout and they scream in support for existential fear

Sounds amplified
Heart pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed

They're still talking
Walking
Chilling out smoking
It's not that big of a deal
There's nothing to fear

Just another panic attack gone
Un-noticed

You're manipulative
you are
I'm your friend
am I ?

I hate you

I just want to love you every minute of everyday
So why do you keep withdrawing your feelings
I just want to love you with every meaning of the word
but why do you betray me every now and then
why do you forget me every now and then
I want to tell you how much I love you
When you let me in
So why do you block me out
I just want to love you
I have so much love to give
let me
let me
love you
Stop playing pretend
let me love you
I just want to love you

First time I saw you
I craved the moments I would get to know you
Those tiny moments we had contact.

Those tiny revelations
Slowly unwrapping this sensation
Still leaving much to my imagination

With each word you spoke
I connected the dots
Like you were a mystery to solve
with time we evolved
and in your life I got involved

I craved the moments I could explore you
push you to the limits I wanted more of you
explore the reasons behind your smile
explore the truth behind your lies
and lies behind your truth

explore you !
Dig right through you
I wanted more

I would explain you, explain myself
then compare
and slowly I developed disappointments and scares
of how much I cared
and how much you could reciprocate
all the things I felt
all the things I dreamt

but still I wanted more
I would dig right through your soul
I would explore
all those roads and all those walls
you put up

I had a clear picture now
and it wasn't in glitter like how I put you
it was raw and odd

But I still explored
and I wanted more
more of you
More of love
more of understanding this
Me
you
us

but how much is enough
The picture is turning grey
and this want just grows
the more it knows
And it feels more hollows
the more I get
the more I want
the more it's hollow

but I still want more .

The calm after the storm
I am not one to stay with the norm

You're like the salty wind at the sea
A nice breeze

I'm finally coming to ease
Up

You're that flower growing in the street crack
I want to pick you up
Smell u
Put in a vase
And plant you in my vains

For a dose of dopamine
Talk a little
And feel a little something

You're a cute flower grown between the cement.
I want to pick you up.

That genuine heart that perky smile
They couldn't break you
They couldn't break you

Till they did .


And they did .


And it destroyed you .

Let go
and fall into chaotic bliss

Change of hearts
I didn't change my mind I still love you

but my heart doesn't listen to my brain
And all the things that fluttered my heart
Now , are missing

change of heart
but I still love you

The way you used to talk
your eyes your brain you haven't changed

And I still love you
but baby I'm a bit crazy and I'm a bit insane
And so I can't keep my heart in the same place

I've moved on
and now the noise of nothing sits with us
and it keeps getting louder

but I still and always will
love you

And maybe this love
will reach you one day.
But, for tonight with me it's ganna stay.

This .

This .

This .

Can it stay forever .

This tickling sparks of perks in my heart .

Can it stay forever .

This .

This.

You .

A taste of what can be
Is a ******* trick

You can be the answer to all my troubles
You can be the magic to all this ruffle
A taste was so good that my mind continued the journey
On its own
Filling the blanks
With what I want it to be

But a taste of what can be is a trick
It leaves a heavy feeling so thick
It makes your soul ache and you think
Think of everything
That can be
Wish you were strong enough to handle me
Wish you were here tonight
Or atleast I wish we would fight

But leaving me with my mind
As I wonder
And pounder
Is torture

And a taste of what can be is a trick
And I dont know if I can handle it

Vague..

On top of the world
my own ego I've sold
No more second guessing
No more wishing

it will be real
cause the way I feel
I'm on top of the world

She weighed a 1000 pounds of trouble and over dosed on distractions she drove herself numb till she didn't know how to exist no more

Whether or not you think about it
I still probably do
I've kept you in a box in the corner of my mind
I still remember you like a Polaroid picture
faded and forever still
like you never changed

Whether or not we talked everyday
or just once in a while
I'll still remember the way you are

whether or not I lost you
or you're still mine
whether or not we fought
once upon a time

I still probably
I still think about you
We were once good
we used to smile
and at some point
I understood your mind
and I'll always still remember you
every person that walked in on my life

And if the Sun keeps burning
Then I can keep  going
Even if I burn alive knowing
Every word you said every body movement you did
Every place the thought of you took me to was meant to bring me back on my knees begging

It's a circle that keeps going
I know you I've known but somehow I lost my knowing
I love you I've loved you but somehow I lost my loving
you reach through me you've reached through me but somehow you've decided to rip out you're roots that've  reached deep through me

but it's a cycle so roots keep growing
and I keep knowing that I know better than this
and I keep asking where and what I have missed
and I keep blaming myself

I've buried myself in this list of things I need to be  doing
Buried so deep that my dreams stopped showing

I used to know myself but somehow I've lost my knowing
I can't tell if I'm fragile or this weight on my shoulders just keeps growing

but if the Sun
if the sun keeps burning
then I can keep **going