Burnt out
Drained ..

I have felt like this before
But now it's with a hint of giving up

I am burnt out
I am drained

My love has been ****** out
My passion has been destroyed
My self-image has been tarnished
I feel vanished from my own mind

Famished for life
But not willing to live it

I'm burnt out .

We have grown harder to love
We've grown broken yet tough
We are puzzle pieces and each puzzle piece is someone's mark left on us

20 years and still a puzzle piece is missing
Cause right now this picture looks like a great deal of nothing
It needs that one piece
and it will make sense

20 years so many puzzle pieces
So many layers
can you dig through
can you find your piece in me


Will you find your place in me ?

You can see me now
stripped down from everything lifely
you can see me now
my soul
I trust you now
so you can see me now
so don't        
            Don't you dare crush it.

Hey Lina
I can see your not there
You are not you right now .

And that's okay .

I would tell you everything will work out
But I know you know that.

But Lina why are you so lost ?
When you know you are something amazing you are special.

And, no not everyone is special.

Lina you are your worst enemy and your best friend.
Lina I've known you my whole life, you dream big
You see things that others don't
You strive, you keep going like you know where your going

Lina know that no one knows that your in so much pain
No one can see it
No it doesn't show in your voice
You are not trasparent
No one knows that you feel ashamed
No one knows that you feel incompetent
No one knows that you feel scared
No one knows that you feel like a loser

They see strength in you
They see sweetness
They see love
And they see you as something different as unique
They just don't know how to deal with someone so passionate so great
So different
You just have to show them the way

Lina you should know that you love so deep
And that isn't a shame
You love with detail you love with pain
And it's no shame
It's beautiful
Not everyone can describe the details of their loved ones
Not everyone knows why they love
Not everyone can accept people for everything they are
Not everyone loses themselves in everyone they love

And I know you think it's your fault they all left
But it's really not
And I know you feel more pain cause you felt more love
And I know you feel more hollow cause you let them in and they messed you up .

But Lina not everyone is you not everyone can feel the way you do
Not everyone can love unconditionally
Not everyone values your trust
Not everyone cares
Most of them don't

So it's not on you
It really isn't
Everyone is fighting their own battle
And it's unfortunate that you met so many and loved so many that don't deserve it
And it's unfortunate that your surrounded by an uncomfortable environment

But it's not you
It really isn't you
You need to believe me it's not you

It might take time
But I know you will be fine
I see you falling in love again
And one day this world and you will be in twine
One day you will find someone who loves deeper than you do
Understand every detail of you

And if you don't,  know that your meant to live life like a visitor passing by

Its never too real in this world you are here for a purpose and your purpose well you will figure that out ....

It comes and goes like thunder in a fiery storm
A roller coaster ride
That is my mind

A state of constant is not the norm
More like whirlwinds and constant storms
And a peak of sunrise before the weather drifts

My bones shaking from tiredness of constant defense
Constant battle and constant fear
The mountains are high
So I climb and I climb
But It doesn't feel like I'm getting near

And a thought of you might seem like constant bliss
But you might be just a jeep in the middle of the wind
That will take me to another place
That has it's own taste
It's own storms
It's own painful trace

And you might be a mirage
Cause the sun is shining too bright
And my head is gone loopy
And I need anything to soothe me

And we will see
What it might be

But hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

But I have it.

Let's analyze this and that
by all means lets spread these thoughts like a rash
I'm going through the motions like a roller coaster ride
Slowly going up to my mind and crashing down to my feelings
indecisive
Don't know if it's ever going to end
my mind keep workin like
I'm I forever alone wouldn't be better if I just get ****** be a pothead and leave the world alone but to my morals I stand too strong and with my head held high how can I be so wrong as to have the closest friends around me do me so wrong or am I wrong? maybe I'm just to sensitive maybe I'm like to exaggerate **** maybe I don't understand them maybe its me !!!cause it couldn't possibly  be that these many people are doing me wrong but let's stay optimistic smile and focus on what you want in life but what if all I want is happiness and that happens comes when I love and be loved and I've loved each person that walked through my life ive loved the details of their smiles .. but everytime I open up completely I'm no longer that interesting or they find it  easy it hurt me now that they know how ? But no this can't be true this can't be true I might be alone right now but I'll find someone true and when I do I still want to be the easy loving letting in people kind of person I am because I love the way I am it's just sometimes it's hard to understand

My words have failed me
I can no longer explain
From my own thoughts
I'm drained.

All I know is I want you .

let myself fall into whatever prevails
cause I can only see the head can't see the tail

and I can't really read a book by it's cover when feelings blur the cover
and feelings still hover
over me as I go through each page  

Blind sightedly hurting
And all this love just goes to waste

This fragile embracement
is breakin'
I question was it ever mine for the takin'  
feelings hover over me and I'm shakin'
I kinda always knew I was mistaken

But I left it to fate 'nd
all this love goes to waste'nd
all this love just turned to hatin'

it's not a good sign when you want to disappear in someone
Is it ?

It's not a good sign when you Truly don't believe is anyone
Is it ?

It's not a good sign when you don't have much of a reason to keep going
is it ?

But lately I've noticed most people driving their lives blind
So no need to analyze the signs
Right ?

cause at least you'll enjoy the rush

Of not knowing when you'll crash

There's sadness in my head.
There's sadness in my heart.
I feeling everything ending without a start.

it rushes in me
this grin on my face
This grin it leaves a trace

there is sadness
and it's not going away

Deep dark blue sea of sadness
I'm drowning .

All I do is define and analyse
everything everyone everytime .

define and analyse
label and paraphrase
like my life story is a *******
SAT study case.

Smoke

      Music

           Night lights
                                                  Could almost mistake this for *love

5:45 am
I have a little taste of the sun
From the beam shining between my curtains
it's sweet taste erases the salty thoughts in my mind
And I almost feel like I'm fine

You need a little time
So your soul and this world can intertwine

Peoples words will fade away
But yourself will stay
Stay with you

You need a little time
You got all these mountains to climb

You got a heart made of gold
but you forgot you forgot your worth

You can't let yourself fall behind
But you need ! You need a little time

If I could I would give you mine
Your worth my time

The vibrations of your voice used to pénétrante my soul
Ignite the cravings inside
Takes my breath away
It draws me to you like a magnet
Like I'm a burglar and you're home alone
But I know better now
And your voice is just a sound ..

You know when you get food poisoning and you have to rest your stomach and eat small portions of easy to digest foods for a while till your stomach can digest normally again .

As cheesy as it may sound but I had a soul and emotion poisoning .
And I keep digesting ****** horrible horrible horrible food for my soul .. so how can it heal .
How can I be real again
How can I be here?
How can I be here
How can I exist
When my soul is poisoned

If I dial your number right now
if you picked up right now
if I could talk to you right now
what would you say
Hi ?
I urge to explain myself to you
even if you never asked me to
cause you see love
the world doesn't understand me
And the closest ones to me they don't stand me
no more
How I stand by my ideals so strong
how I analyse the world on every little wrong
how I want to save the world but I don't do much about it
By now would you hang up the phone
would you leave me alone
Or would you listen a bit more

1st grade I held your hand
And we became best friends
I would've done anything for you
I fought the boys for you
I came home every day with bruises
You know kids can play harsh sometimes.

Highschool I would've died for you
I ran away from home with you
We were unstoptpable in our heads
The world was ours
It was a matter of time
Till we became heros
Till we became everything we wanted to be

But as an adult now
I get it
Making friends isn't as easy as asking you if you like Britney Spears
People have grown with hate
Blame it on your parents
Blame it on the world
That did you wrong so many times
But that's you now
You've maintained the unstoppable image in your head by losing emotion by bringing hate
It's never ganna be the  same

I get it now
It's never ganna be a ride or die
It's complicated
It's foggy
It's never as pure
It's how the world works

Or is it how the world works
Should I surrender should I be that person
But I can't I physically, anotomically can't
Am I a loser
Or did I win
I don't know anymore

Friends enemies aren't as clear now
We are all an in between

Time is ticking and I'm still here I did not become who I want to be
In fact who I want to be is lost in the clutter of how it's supposed to be
I'm not sure if I know me anymore

I lost my inner circle
I lost a part of my anatomy
Atleast we were lost together
But you're not worth it you were always an enemy
I guess I was just trying to be right
To do what's right
Till I realized there is no right or wrong
But did I win or did I lose everything

I don't know anymore
Friends and enemies do not exist now
We are all in between

Purity lost

I'm doing everything I don't want to be doing  
Deep through my eyes is a portal shattered through space
What am I doing ?

Mornings are mandatory
work college
no where I wanna be

those are my friends ?
Then why with them it's so difficult to be
me

Why is it so difficult to enjoy anything

Fun is becoming hard

hard is becoming every minute of everyday

Sitting in this white plain rectangle of a desk
Piled up with all the accumulated mess
Missing my brain but trying to impress
I ride this wave
I ride this wave
I ride a car
I ride my brain
I ride your mind
I know that your mind is serine
It fixes my bein'
It's a light house beam
And I'm drowning in this scene
And I wish to come clean
But you fill the scene and you beam
I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't gravitate
To this attraction
It's not magic
It's static
It's Flabrostaic
Cause your being is nothing I could've imagined

But still it's not magic
It's just problematic

One
two
I remember to breath

three
four
your getting close

five
Six
That feeling hits  

seven
eight
I give in to fate

nine
ten
This ain't right ; I back off and I play pretend

Can you handle my roller coaster mind
the way I stop right before I drop 50 stories high
but I don't always spread my wings
I would just die
But I come back
Just to see if you wore black
would you be sad would you wear black
Did you have enough of me
Cause I've had enough of your confusion
And the illusion you make me feel
but you let me fall
You just ride when you want something more
so just let me fall
let me hate you
Cause at the pace we are going I might just destroy you and me
This roller coaster ride is not for free
is costs me pain
and we keep playing it till I'm drained
I can hear the final drops of me hit the ground
the sound is so loud
trikh
trikh
it will surround you and you'll be drowned .

I think in colors that do not exist

I think of night lights and the rainy mist

Of daylight and stormy winds

I think of dark wars and unicorns

I think of everything and a little more

I think in colors that do not exist

I see the things that most would miss

I feel everything and a little more

I'm made of dark wars and unicorns

Words for a thinker are hard to construct

As doubt is the fuel for this mind

And my mind has been working none stop

As my words just ran away

I used to write and write

but now I doubt everything I say

I'm sitting with a ticking clock

Waiting for belief meaning intensity in anything to unlock

I walk with no blood in my feet

I sweat without feeling the heat

And now I think and think
without saying a word

Paint this black canvas
Paint it black ?

Paint this black canvas
Paint over my life

This canvas is black
So no need to paint it black

Paint this black canvas
Paint it red, orange, blue, pink or yellow
And please stop painting it in black

Let me cry
So I can feel human
Let me cry let me scream let me get angry
What a lie

9 to 9 like I got no soul
Call it work
But you're nothing but a foolish ****
9 am to 12 am  like I got no soul
They tell you keep it professional
How can I when its 24/7
Are you God and my work is taking me to heaven ?

Cause I don't do that much for God himself
You expect me to do it for living in constant hell ?

Have I lost all meaning if I dont "work hard"
Work till my bones scar
With all the natural toxic outcomes that I've been shoving inside
To keep it professional
24/7
Tell me are you the one taking me to heaven

Work hard to make it
Make it till more people know you while you fake it

Shove down this so called human
Emotions, true connections
Are you delusional ?

Make you more money while I take the 0.00000000000000000000000001%
To stay alive and work harder to make it
Make it till I take the 100%
And pay it on the few minutes I am free
Pay it on therapy
On all the scars it has caused to me

Imposed on me since birth
To be more this or that

I cant even finish this poem cause Im sleepy
Exhaused to the bone its getting creepy
9 to 9, am I alive ?
Cause its seems Im only that when Im crying for what I should strive

I have no words to express no more
Theyve been exhaused on being your money *****
Make it work
Make them the money
Make it work
Stop acting funny
For 1 min
For 2 mins
But you need to work till you finish
Your life
Is not yours for living.
Morden time slavery.

Beaming sun above my head
tons of sand hills ahead
my aura is blood red
but it kinda feels like
.. I'm dead

A desert that never ends
All I see is the sand hills ahead

golden sand , golden sand !

This must be the ultimate dry land

filled with golden sand.

Beaming sun above my head
I keep walking ahead
But I might as well just stop
cause I can't see an end.

So, what's the point
I can't see one water drop
I might as well just stop.

Beaming sun above my head
I keep walking and walking
up-hill
with my aura turning red as blood
but it still; it still feels like I'm standing still.

It's all aligned in my head, my thoughts are clear I see the dirt and I see the green. I can talk I can explain me. I have value I have a dream.
People are fascinated by me, some discourage me some don't understand me some don't see my value, but some do. And I do.
I can speak I can form a thought I can express my sanity.
I can speak I am speaking but not everyone is meant to listen. Not everyone is meant to know me.
I have a guideline I have a system but it's a crisis management mentality.
I'm controlled by emergency I'm controlled by the need.
The need for me to be sane the need for me to form value the need for me to form an understanding.

But what happens when it's gone. What happens when I'm lost again. What happens when I can't explain. What happens when the light is dark and the darkness is my light and everything is slipping between my figures and I can't I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be in control I don't want to believe I make my destiny cause then I have done a shifty job and it's all because of me.
What happens when I know can have the ultimate lifestyle what happens when I know I can be the best and it all depends on me.
What happens when I know no one can truly help me but me, and I know that I can't help me.
What happens when I'm falling and no one is watching over me ?

I know now I was in that place I know now I can be better I know now I am going to fall again and I know now that I don't know.

It's crazy when you are the smartest person in the room and you feel like the dumbest I know now that I am not typical not even on the surface

I know now that I am a universe and I am not a garden to control and to maintain.
I know now that I am in a universe and not my own world I know now that I can't define what defines me.
I know now that I am in control when I am in control and that something is controlling me.

Hello
hello

echo. .   .     .       .

I can hear you sad soul
I can hear your lonely self
Have you locked yourself
in a jail cell for the sake of appearances
So you wouldn't need anyone
unless they come to visit
You show them how sane you are
cause it's a visit

come in whenever you want
come in to my soul to my mind
yea it's nice when I'm fine
Where lights and roses intertwined
but you don't come when it's closed
you never knock on my doors

And now I sit here in this jail cell
where I don't need you
it's pathetic but at least I don't need you
I sit here with the lights closed
trying to fix it on my own
trying to call out on my own
Like
hello
hello
all I hear is the

echo. .  .    .       .


I'm waiting for a visit
So the lights would turn on
But I wouldn't let you know
that they were ever off
So you wouldn't be scared off
So you would still come to visit

Giggles giggles
you can hear a soft cry for help
between those giggles
and she laughs
and then she giggles

Émotions are a weird existence
Where do they come from
From our brains, from our being?

If they come from us then how do we conflict them?

Emotions are flawed
But somehow they are the most pure
The most true you.

I love you but you hurt me
And I got over you but I didn't

I feel bruised but I feel crave for you
I feel crave for our memories
I feel pride and I don't want to talk to you
I feel like I shouldn't
But I did
I feel you are bound to hurt me
I feel like you don't understand me
But I feel like no one understands me the way you do
I feel love to the detail.
To the way you word things
To the way you swirl the pencil between your fingers
To the way you awkwardly hug me
But I can still feel you more than the best hugs I got.

Emotions are a weird existence
But so are we
Emotions are conflicting in nature
But so are we
And I'm not sure what to make out of it
But the craving emotions overshadows me
And even if another emotion or in other words "thought" comes to me
I can't help but go with the most powerful one
Even if I tell myself not to
That would just be another emotion
Over shadowed

Emotions are like cancer cells
Your body fights them
But rarely wins

And the emotion of you
Has infected me

I have images in my head
They flash by so quickly
But they are so vivid so clear
So detailed..

They are like nothing that exists ..
They are great...

They really are
But how would you believe me
You aren't in my brain
But if you were you'd know..

It would change you
You would understand
And I would believe myself more
If you understood
But you are not in my head
So how can you understand
When my explanation is flawed
My execution is vague
My image is unclear

But I swear I don't think I'm ordinary
And I know you know that
But I'm not ordinary in a great way
You would know if you were in my head
But you're not in my head
And my communication is flawed ..

So how would you know my worth
How would you know the amazing thoughts I have
How would you believe in my philosophy
I'm just weird to you

And I'm sick of it
But I don't know how to say it
I don't know how to explain it
But I know why I follow it
Cause it's really something
It really is . . .

It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
When you are all by yourself kind of alone
But you're in this zone of self recognition
Self knowledgement and it's  too much self actualization
It's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
Your on a ride a slow ride and it's kind of dark and it's kind of fun
But I'm here and I can't be anywhere else
There's no one to call no one to talk to even if they're near
You talk but its just sounds you say to get by  
And your left here kissing your  nicotine
It's the only thing that gets you that hears you
Your a slave for that nicotine
It's kind of good for you but it's also the death of you
But it's kind of good for you cause it's the only thing keeping you sane
But it's also the death of you
And it's kind of sad and it's kind of happy
But you can't be can't be anywhere else

I've never have really gotten the concept of death.
I guess I won't know till I die, even then I might not know.
If you take a second and think about it, it's terrifying.
It's mind blowing.
It's unimaginable.
And that's where I get confused, its unimaginable.
I'm not scared of what will come after death.
I'm scared of how we will experience it, in what from? in what mind? in what state?
Will we be Conscious, if not how does that feel? I know if your unconscious you don't remember anything.
But you still feel, you're still there! There's something happening and how would the experience of that be ?

It's crazy this all would end.
Our whole understanding and being would simply end.
And then what ?
The existential question
Then what ?
Religions have given people answers but it's only in a description that our current mind can understand.
So how accurate is it?

It keeps passing my mind, everything I'm experiencing is not real it's temporary.

They say that makes you religious..

It's just making me disconnected, numb, empty, waiting and scared.

You and me
can be
in a world
made
of sweet honey
bee

chocolate strawberries
and a cigarette

Swaying to the melody of the ocean's waves
The sunsets forever stays

where everything you say is so funny
It tickles and it prickles through my tummy
And I cry so happy

Where the sky is pained bright blue and pink and yellow and purple and orange
Where we never feel mellow

Where is this world?
Where is the map that leads to it
Is it Engraved in your eyes
will I ever find it behind those lies ?

She was sweet cause she spoke words that were sugar coated and shoved it down your throat just like a pill, a pill to cure you but it only makes you more ill.

A some what wise man once said
what's not written is not real
and I assume vice versa is true

So What if I write about

how you dream about me
and how you think of me all the time
and how you can't wait to sit with me
and how my eyes give sweet shivers down your spine
And How badly you want to be mine ..

Does that make it real ?

I'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together
But the picture keeps turning into depression

So I scramble and reassemble
Put the pieces together
And I don't like the picture

So I scramble and reassemble
Scramble and reassemble
Time is ticking
And all I have is pieces scrambled
All I have doesn't make sense

Restless
**** this .

No longer sure where we going
Mind breaking
Bones shaking
Hands sweat
Back sweats

Baby steps seem impossible
This world is not mine for the taking
I've been mistaking
Everything
My mind is shaking
My voice is  shaking

Is this normal
Is it real
What I feel
Are we here ?

Is it all just a game
I'm bad at games
I don't want to play
I don't want to stay
Here.

I think you've made me cold
I think you made me think it's better

Oh god .

I think you made me rude
You made me a little more insensitive  
A little more defensive

it was you
you
you

It's coming.
Like rain on a cloudy day.
Like dancing and a rush comes through your veins.
Like a fast car driving your way.

What you want is coming.
So dont run from it
And dont run for it.

It's coming.

Sun rays on my guitar
Makes the dust sparkle

they say you live for what you die for
I live for what I'd die for

I live for the love

it's hard
hard to live
it's hard
hard to love
And I live for the love ..

Life is meant to be lived
And living is not the made up myth
Seizing the moment and feeling constant bliss
Life is meant to be lived
And living is what this is.

I am here
I see me
I feel me
I am here ..
I am here ..

I've missed me that was lost in loving you
But now I'm here I'm complete with out you

The bell's getting louder ...

But I have to find a way out

Cause no one cares

If I don't...

Watch me be a *****
and alienate myself

Watch it
Watch it

Watch me die a little bit inside
Watch it
Watch it

Cause I'm sick of being kind
I'm sick of crying each and every ******* night
I'm sick inside
I'm sick of these exploding emotions I'm trying to hide
I'm sick inside

I knew better
But you made me sick sick inside
I can't do better
Cause you made me sick
To my stomach each and every ******* night

I thought it would hurt more with time
I thought I would never forget you
They say if I didn't forgive you I will never get over you
But I didn't forgive and I forgot I forgot your face your voice your walk
I forgot
And when I did see you I remembered exactly why I did what I did
Why I left
You don't deserve me
I'm too good for you
And it was either I treat you the why you treat me or I leave
So I did and I forgot and now
That you reminded me
I'm glad it's over
I'm not even glad
The feeling I have is indifferent it's nothing
I'm not sure how to describe it I just know it's not regret.