A bit sadistic
I have become
Pain is sweet when you've gone a little numb

A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down
The wind's touch on my skin is making your jabs slow down

Like pokes
Slow pokes

Almost feels like a massage
This mirage
I paint

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I take it in
This gut pinch
This heart clinch
This throat itch

And the tears that hydrate my eyes
Wiping it all over my face let the salt purify my skin and sink in

And the annoying honks in the crowded street start creating a beat
I've seen this before yet I take a seat

Cause a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I sense the ache like it's in the air
I roll my thumb and my index finger together
Like I'm giving it a taste

I shiver
But is it the blowing wind
Or is it cause I'm scared ?

Scared to admit
I'm hurt
Scared to admit
I'm rejected
Scared to admit
You did it

I care about you too much that I wont allow u to do this.

But whatever
I dont care get dressed whatever
Cause it out of my control
How you feel and your soul

So I deny myself
To keep you near
I deny my hurt
And detach my fears


I wont let you hurt me
Cause, Love.
I dont want to Hate you.

So I criminalize my feelings
And put it in a cuff

I feel it in the air
I sense it between my fingers
Or is it between my bones ..?

I dont know if I love you
Cause I wouldnt dare ..

But this ache is too familiar now
Its like it's always been there

I wish I can set it free
And cry
Instead of this already solved mystery
Of truth and self-lies
Of this numbed ache

I wish I could be with you
I wish I could take being without you
I wish I could admit that I love you

But, Love.
But I wouldnt dare..

The sun rises and coffee drips
I sip the bitter sweet blackness and think
I light a cigarette and I sink
Into another day another show.

Put on the mask and let go
Cause the real me can't survive
But no matter how much I hide it the real me shows.

I think of the world, the pain the suffering the wars.
I think of my friends and try to put a smile on
I think of my family and its cover me in emotions of a sad but sweet song.

I think of anyone to get my day on
But no one sparks me up and no I'm not in love.
And I'm not sure if that might ever happen
If I'm stuck in the state they call "madness"
Existential questions constantly on my mind
Why are we here, and does god really mind
My "sins" and how deep can we fall
And it seems like my life is on thin ice .

And I recall my dreams that are so vivid every night.
And I mix them with reality, painting an abstract painting in my mind.
Coding myself more, as meaning is held in complexity.
Or so I heard once said to me.

I sip my coffee and I think.
I used to write meaning and now its this thing.
Whatever you may call this.

I want to go after my dreams but my dreams aren't ever pretty
They're complicated and ******
And myself is nothing but this whole universe in disguise
In this case I call mine
And that makes everything matter and nothing matter

Coffee is my favorite drink
I dont do juices and other things
Just coffee or water
Black or white
Nothing inbetween

And so my mornings begin

Like a veil has been lifted
Or has it been put on?

The world seems nothing like it did before.

And my words come out just to fill a hole.

I feel emotions by trying to remember how they felt like.

I copy the motions and expressions in hopes that it will bring back.

What once felt like being "alive".

I quite the voices in my head telling me it's a lie.

That my memories are an illusion, giving me hope that never existed.

And it was and all is just a fabrication of my mind.

It's coming.
Like rain on a cloudy day.
Like dancing and a rush comes through your veins.
Like a fast car driving your way.

What you want is coming.
So dont run from it
And dont run for it.

It's coming.

Be
Just Be

That is all there is and all there will be.

Infinity sign crossing over like a million webs
Sown together in a complete blissful mess

That is all there is and all there will be.

This.
You
And
Me

The sky feels like it's drawn on
Like a ceiling has that has been put on
My skin feels like it's been sown together
And my life's events feel like they're looping in a loop of forever.

Once your eyes have been opened
It's hard to go back
It's hard not to go mad
And the hardest thing is to dive in deeper
In meaning.

So just be
That is all there is and all there will be.

Just be.

That is my advice from you to me.
From me to you.
It's doesn't differ, really.

Cause this is all there is and all there will be.

So, just be.

Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers
Soldiers ya they think they're soldiers

Quick sand oh its funny how they think they can stand
On quick sand

And what happens when you sleep at night
Do you feel like you've won the fight
And what happens when 95% of your brain is playing games
Chess and fight mode
Is the 5% gone insane
Or is it just plain
And its killing you
Or there so much going on and you dont know how to deal with the pain
How to handle it
And so you handle it
Like a soldier
A soldier of *******

They wrote it down
They told you
This is how life works
So now you cant even hope
And now you fight the fight you've been told to fight
Now you're a soldier
Ya your a soldier
Ya your a soldier
A soldier of *******

And now your a recruiter
And you want to recruit me
But I am a nomad
And I dont get mad
And I dont mind bei g sad
And I am  human
Human

Oh just show me why
Show me all.of.it
A new found confidence in myself
Cause I know I dont wanna be you .
Ask me how my self is
I'll tell you I've learned to be selfish
I dont want to fight
I dont want to be right
Time is ticking
And all I want in connections

خالي
Like the emptiness of the dessert
That is my حالي

مالني؟
Questioning my decision like a
مدير مالي

اهمالي
And if I run from it, nothing will disappear
It fact it hunts me back like a جني

عادي
Getting used to it like its my profession
And I follow it let it domesticate me like دجن

And so I created my own سجن
ملل bored of myself
I look at you for لهو
Distract me like a filler
Botox me up till I انفجر
Fake it cause ill never make it
Blind sighted like سحر

مرّ
Like the stinge in my cigarette
Like the stinge in my black coffee
Is the crave to be free

تحت جلدي
Is the truth that would punch
Hit, hurt
Get hurt and bleed
Cause from you I dont استفيد

Im leaving this earth lonely
And I dont even know me
Screaming for help
******* انبح صوتي
And everyone knows it lowkey ..

أركض
أركض
Till the last breath.

And this feeling
You will never undress

خالي

Tell me . . .
Take your time and articulate it perfectly
Express your thoughts
And tell me

Your voice carries a combination of vitamins that ease this world
Vitamin passion, hope, and care
Vitamin love, and sweet complexity
And a hint of dare

So tell me
And articulate it
And I'll listen

I want to admire your creation
Bring me back to earthly life
And in you let me dive.

It comes and goes like thunder in a fiery storm
A roller coaster ride
That is my mind

A state of constant is not the norm
More like whirlwinds and constant storms
And a peak of sunrise before the weather drifts

My bones shaking from tiredness of constant defense
Constant battle and constant fear
The mountains are high
So I climb and I climb
But It doesn't feel like I'm getting near

And a thought of you might seem like constant bliss
But you might be just a jeep in the middle of the wind
That will take me to another place
That has it's own taste
It's own storms
It's own painful trace

And you might be a mirage
Cause the sun is shining too bright
And my head is gone loopy
And I need anything to soothe me

And we will see
What it might be

But hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have

But I have it.

I wrote you down in detail
5 years ago

A character that came to life

I wrote a story once
And it had you in it
The pain
The confusion
The talent
You're scrapbook

And I swear I wrote you down
5 years ago
And I didnt know

I didnt know my words had this much power
And why did I write my and your life this sour

And this is a beautiful magical miracle
But a curse in disguise
I love this much power if I had power over my mind
But I dont want this much power
When a gray cloud is following my mind

And I wrote you
I detailed your detail to the detail
I swear I wrote you
5 years ago
And I dont know what to do with that

Define what you want to be.
Write it down
Imitate it.

And you will be.

But decisions are hard to make
I know . .

And the world made this heart of yours break
I know . .

And seeking happiness ***** you in situations that end in a big cut that leaves a scar.

Now fear is instilled within you
And it's hard to shake it off
It's hard to move it on
Again  

It's hard to control the brain.

But write it down
Define it
Then imitate it
And it will be
You have nothing to loose.

Either move on with purpose
Or keep trying to replay history
Or purely rely on destiny.

I choose purpose

A sky full of stars is only seen in the darkest of lights. . .
And there is so much sense to make out of that
But I cant explain it
Write it down
As it drains it

Of its unhuman like complexity
As everything in life is merely a reflection of its essence
The universe is a reflection of the atoms in your cells
And it's so complex yet so simple
If you dont explain it
It's so simple

Sink into it
As it is what we define as truth
It is the essence
It is the core
And it is within you

Observe and listen
And let it be

And what shall happen
Shall be

And we might be as harmonious as the blue sky and the sea
As the stars shining at night in the dessert

Or we might just be a passing like the weather.

Life is meant to be lived
And living is not the made up myth
Seizing the moment and feeling constant bliss
Life is meant to be lived
And living is what this is.

The calm after the storm
I am not one to stay with the norm

You're like the salty wind at the sea
A nice breeze

I'm finally coming to ease
Up

You're that flower growing in the street crack
I want to pick you up
Smell u
Put in a vase
And plant you in my vains

For a dose of dopamine
Talk a little
And feel a little something

You're a cute flower grown between the cement.
I want to pick you up.

Heart clinch
A gut pinch

Look at the screen
Can't see clear
My phone is shaking
My hands are shaking

Sounds amplified
Hearts pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed.

Neurons linking and multiplying till it becomes a crowd pit
Thoughts smooshed to the edge of the stage
Screaming quick solve it!

They shout and they scream in support for existential fear

Sounds amplified
Heart pounds magnified

Narrow vision
And eyes that can't focus

**** I wonder if anyone noticed

They're still talking
Walking
Chilling out smoking
It's not that big of a deal
There's nothing to fear

Just another panic attack gone
Un-noticed

The sea, the unknown.
The waves punching the rocks.
And the docks.

The blue is nothing but a reflection.
And my blue is nothing but a reflection.

The sea is where you lay in the sun.
Let it give you a kiss.
Where you sit for hours, calm and reminese.
Sweet calm and grounded.
Fun, warm and the sound is
pure serenity.
And it feels like its repeating in infinity.

And the sea is where the ships drown
And the deeper you go down
Its dark and there's no sound
Death feels near
And there is everything you may fear
The sea is where things disappear
There are still terorities unknown
Under the glow of the blue
And its things we will never know


And you ask me and I dont know
And I sway and sway
So gradient in pure blue
And I drown with the waves sometimes
And I punch the shore sometimes

And I am a universe unknown
And if I dive in too deep, I am far far away from home
And the beach is where I like to be
Sweet and salty air
And just stay there

Cause I tried to explain the things happening to me
But I am still
And calm
Peaceful and grounded
Yet I am punching the shore
And what happening is not a norm
Lost of words, as they have disappeared
I might have dove in too deep
And I dont know what is what anymore

I just see myself in the sea
So let it be, what ever it may be.
Sun kisses and remineses
Dive in and dont get too deep.

Lights dimmed
Red soft lights
Baroque colors everywhere
Like sipping wine in a coffin

Sweet, free, dead.

Like blood pouring out the vains
And it pains but there's no pain

A soft image of you.  Dark ...Slim ..
Distant.

Constantly there
In my head
Constantly out of reach
In my life

And if I can take in this *******, I would.
and if I can make it better, I would.
And if you're disappointed then let it be.  
Cause I made it be .

The rules and regulations put on me.
Renting a few moments of life, and a moment of you is what I need.
A moment I would pay morals for, disappointment for, guilt for.

Work, snakes, frienemies, money *****, white collar slavery, broken family, unwanted love, incapability, mistakes, lost.

But the image of you feels sweet.
A sweet maroon glass of wine
Divine
Mine ...
I wish

The bell's getting louder ...

But I have to find a way out

Cause no one cares

If I don't...

Here we go again
Falling down the rabbit hole

Gray color schemes
Are starting to take control

And my life is passing in fastforwarded short scenes
That express things spinning out of control

But this is not a dream
Nor is it a movie

This a warning sign
That I'm going down a familiar road again

And it pains me down my gut
And my chest
And my heart
And my strength has gone soft


And I dont know if I want to want, anymore
I don't see a way out, anymore
Solutions Ive built with my own hands
Have collapsed so many times
And my hands are sore
And I dont want to want, anymore

I've lost the want to want anything
And this feeling, a bell it rings

And I think am falling down the rabbit hole.


And the people around me they dont seem to care
And I'm scared
I'm really scared

And the people around me are just concerned with one's self.
Even though any concorn for me it ******* helps

And this lifestyle is hell
Its a slippery ***** to depression
And I think Im going down the rabbit hole again ..

Words
Words.
Words.
Codes

Pick up on the pieces
But  its nice to say nothing
Right now

Some hate me right now
Most love me conditionally

Sitting on the concrete
And my thoughts speak
So I stay silent


I treated my friends like kings
And I treated them like ****

I really dont know.

So Ill surrender up
And stay quite
Stay silent
No need to make meaning

And its not sadness
Its not happiness
I have nothing to say
Cause im numb
I did it
I made myself numb again

And all I hear is a soft guitar strum
Tum tum tum tum tum tum
Hovering over my manic and depressive thoughts

So I wont talk ...


And I know my family
Loves me
I know my baby cares
But I dont think they care about me

Or I dont care about me
And Ive lost myself in me

But there's no use of making meaning
So Ill stay quite

Ive been this way since 16
But lately ive been non-existent
And ive been to more places
Than I've dreamt
And Ive meet more people
And Ive done so many things
Ive dreamt i would do

But day and night
I keep stressing my mind
And theres no reason for it
Cause we will all die
That's why  my memories are vague

My memory is our photo on instagram
Of the night I should havr fallen inlove

And he left me
And she left me
She knew me

And my life is ice cold
Under the snow
Burried in white

And I cant
Write words
I cant
I dont know how to make it better
Only worst

Watch the flame of my lighter
Light up over and over
Over and over

And theres nothing but void
On the glittering streets
On the flowers, on the trees
In my skin in my eyes
In the words you speak

I need some aliens to come and tell me the meaning of life
And answer all my whys
So for now
Ill stay quite


Cause words words
Those codes
Im over them.

So let's escalate our senses tonight
Are you crazy like me
Are u in pain like me ?

Let's make sense of it with extreme nonesense tonight

You're in my ears
And every wave of sound you make
Is slowling my heart's pounds
And every word interprets my thoughts
And it makes me feel okay

You are the host to my parade
And your description is on point
Like this song on my life was coined
And my soul and your voice have joined

Don't glamourise busy-ness
Don't glamourise exhausion

Don't be mislead
And think that it's home

To being great.


You  are meant to live each moment
Like it's your own
Stare into the distance
Dance and lay in bed
Work then get bored
Love then move on
Grow and get old.

Accomplishment is a perception
of what you want

Take it easy
Take it slow
And if you want run fast
And lose control
But don't exhaust yourself  
For things you don't want

It's your life your feelings your way
Your time your soul.

So do it how ever you want it
Cause there's no rights or wrongs.
Just try your best to consider others
And carry on.

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed
There's things in life you can't accept
You would fight till you die
Than stand a day in its mess

And you wonder why blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Freedom has a high price
And it's not given
It's taken by the oppressed

And you dont have to look far
At the world's most horrific tragedies
Look at your own anxieties

When you act like your living
But every vain in your body
Is shivering.

Cause you're supressed by capitalism
Working day and night
And your opinion is not for the giving.

Nor are you allowed to be sad
Nor are you allowed to be mad
This is how life is, they tell you
This is how life is, they convience you
Don't be a woss
They tell you
Be strong by following me
While I follow what they want me to be
And they follow what they were taught to be
By people who followed their own misery
Thinking this is how life should be

You don't wonder anymore
When you have tasted it
The depression the pain and the downgradment
It drives you insane

You don't wonder
Why the blood was spilt
And about the wars that have killed

Cause freedom has a high price
And it's not given
Its demanded by the oppressed

So, are you up for the battle
Or your ganna shut up, and cry every night?
Down your pills ?
Roll a blunt ?
Down that drink ?
Then go numb ?
And go with the cattle ?

There's things in life you just can't deny
Like how you kept me up this night
How you remind me of something I had inside


And people tell me play it cool
But I can't help if I'm a fool

And I can't explain it but I'll try
You are things I want to be
And an image of someone I didnt want to let go
Call it repeated history  

Cause when you get attached to someone
You search for them in everyone you meet
And when I see even the smallest pieces of  crumbs of  you in them
I like to make believe

Cause I can't help the people I meet at a young age so bleek
The people that leave an impression on me

And now I search for them in everyone I meet
And you resemble something

I can't speak ..
I can't say...

If I did it wont make sense anyway

But there are things in life you just can't deny
Like how your thought kept me up tonight

I kinda just want to disappear
Paint myself clear

I kinda just want to disappear
Wanting has become senseless
Taste has become tasteless

And tiredness has become endless
And resting has become restless
And I kinda just want to disappear

Its too much fear for me to feel
Its too much, of much that it stopped bringing me to tears.

I kinda just want to disappear.

Is life a circle or is it a road ?
A means to an end
Or a forever rolling stone?

Are my actions causing an effect
Or am I repeating my steps?

There is a road less traveled
And there the road that looks pretty

And they both lead me to the same place

Rolling in my own mistakes

And I stare at people and think
Are they real or is it a combination of my minds ink
Mixed with something unknown
Making everyones story, my own

I wrote this
Or did I?

I  dont know.

But I want you to hold me when I'm alone.
Even though I live my life like the true man show

Is any of it real ?

I dont know.
But I still want you to hold me
Cause I am alone.

It's easy to write
I just type it down
On my phone.

Get it all out, in the zone

And its easy to write
When none of the people reading this
Are one's I've known

And a text that articulates my pain and emotions
Is coated in the atheistic of rhyme, metaphore and power
Makes it so easy to write this down

And let me drown.


Cause atleast it paints an interesting picture
Doesn't it ?

And it makes me seem like I know things
But I really dont
I just feel good when expressing things
Like a song.

And it's easy to write this down
But it's not easy to analyze prioritize and take action.
Its not easy to make things happen.
Its very difficult
And sometimes it seems impossible.

But writing it down
... it's easy

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up

Light it up
Till it the gas slowly disappears in the air
And the light is out

Roll it with your thumb
And light it up
And watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Watch it
Till it burns out
And the light's out

So you roll it with your thumb
It lights up
And lights out

So you roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
And sparks
But doesn't light up

So you roll it with your thumb
And you watch it
Spark
Spark
But doesn't light up

So you get frustrated
And roll it with your thumb
And it sparks
But doesnt light up

It doesn't light up no more
And your actions cause no reaction
And your frustration turn to distress

And the distress feels like home
The only home you've ever known

And this voice keeps saying
You ain't **** ...
You ain't ****...

And when you stopped talking to me
This voice kept saying
I aint ****
I aint ****

And everyday when I say a wrong word and when you look at me like I'm silly
When you think I am silly
I hear u say I aint ****


Will maybe I aint ****

And I can't sleep at night cause this voice is too loud

And Im trying to sink into life
Cause Im floating above like i am high

Cause Im starting to believe there is nothing but existance
And the sky and the sun and the moon
And the earth and the planets
There is nothing but being
And I am you and you are me

And what does this all mean
All I keep hearing is that
I aint ****
I aint ****

There is nothing
And I am nothing
And you are nothing
And this is nothing
But a feeling
I am creating
And I am living it
And I am repeating it
And its all me
And all I tell myself
Is I aint ****


And I want it to link up
I want it to have meaning
I want to believe
Theres something meant behind every step
And every word
And everthing

I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle
I wanna see a miracle

Misuse abuse
It was the choice for me to choose

I got love for you if you love me too
Use me like a napkin for all the sorrows
And throw away
And I keep on playing
Cause I choose to misuse and abuse myself

Like I couldn't choose but I did
I choose and I choose again
And I choose then I choose again
And I make belief that I got nothing to loose
Cause Im just figuring it out cause I am confused

But it won't be the same
Being able to feel with many
Like I'm here to help you
And be funny
Like I owe to make him feel better
No matter my mind or the weather
I OWE HIM TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER

And I owe everyone who's sweet and under the weather
I crave illness cause Im ill
And think if I make it better for him
Might make it better for me
But it's making it worst

Attaching myself worth to my capability to help
When I need help

And the feeling is not rough nor soft
Its a constant plainness of thought
And plain seems nicer than my natural state

So I abuse and misuse myself ...


And I am blessed and cursed to feel with everyone
And I take take take in everyone's pain
Till I feel numb

And if you drink too much your tolerence gets higher  
And when I take in too much my tolerence gets higher
And it's a viscous cycle and Im being a ******* lier
To myself
As I misuse and abuse
And it is and it was my choice to choose.

A taste of what can be
Is a ******* trick

You can be the answer to all my troubles
You can be the magic to all this ruffle
A taste was so good that my mind continued the journey
On its own
Filling the blanks
With what I want it to be

But a taste of what can be is a trick
It leaves a heavy feeling so thick
It makes your soul ache and you think
Think of everything
That can be
Wish you were strong enough to handle me
Wish you were here tonight
Or atleast I wish we would fight

But leaving me with my mind
As I wonder
And pounder
Is torture

And a taste of what can be is a trick
And I dont know if I can handle it

Will I fall or will I fly ..
I make my decisions with myself in mind
Cross my heart and hope to die
Fullfil my soul is whats in mind

How old are you ?
Is what the lady at the bar said to me
As I argued with her about integrity
Life and repeated history

How old are you, she said to me
Im 22, yea and I'm that aware and that blue.

How old are you the lady at work said to me
As I explained to her how decisions are merly destiny
How people are repeatitions of what was done to them
And how I shouldn't look like what they think I should look like to impress them
Im 23 and it took a while to love myself
I still don't like it sometimes, but I remind myself

How old are you??
The psycologist said to me
As I told him why and how my brain and emotions tangled up and untangled
How I was merly dating to relay on someone for free and that it wasn't right for either him or me.
I explained to him the exact reasons for anxiety
And how I need control cause I was scared by chios in my family
And how a panic attack can be cured mentally
And how I don't want his pills cause I've seen what it has done to others and I have empathy

I said I'm 23
I'm 23
And why does this scenario keep happening to me

He said you're on the right path
Aware and righteous
Keep it up and you'll see


But I wasn't any different and I still wasnt okay
So how could you say that to me

I dont know if I know better
And that's why you're impressed
But even if I did I dont think I do better
And knowing is not a bliss
Ignorance might be
But I can't know that for sure
Cause I can only truly experience life through me
 
So will I fly or will I fall
I  dont know
But I crossed my heart and promised myself to take control
Cause no one has you but you
And when you die what did you do for you ?

So I'm sorry that I left you
I'm sorry that I dont answer texts
I'm sorry that I went out that night
Even though I knew you were a mess
I'm sorry that I wasn't truly there in you're last days
Even though I knew you needed what you needed
But I couldn't give.  
And now you're in heaven's bliss

I make my decisions with myself in mind
And I'm not here to impress
I'm here to survive
And I've learned from the best
That no one has got you but you
So do what you got to do
Before it's too late.

Let me cry
So I can feel human
Let me cry let me scream let me get angry
What a lie

9 to 9 like I got no soul
Call it work
But you're nothing but a foolish ****
9 am to 12 am  like I got no soul
They tell you keep it professional
How can I when its 24/7
Are you God and my work is taking me to heaven ?

Cause I don't do that much for God himself
You expect me to do it for living in constant hell ?

Have I lost all meaning if I dont "work hard"
Work till my bones scar
With all the natural toxic outcomes that I've been shoving inside
To keep it professional
24/7
Tell me are you the one taking me to heaven

Work hard to make it
Make it till more people know you while you fake it

Shove down this so called human
Emotions, true connections
Are you delusional ?

Make you more money while I take the 0.00000000000000000000000001%
To stay alive and work harder to make it
Make it till I take the 100%
And pay it on the few minutes I am free
Pay it on therapy
On all the scars it has caused to me

Imposed on me since birth
To be more this or that

I cant even finish this poem cause Im sleepy
Exhaused to the bone its getting creepy
9 to 9, am I alive ?
Cause its seems Im only that when Im crying for what I should strive

I have no words to express no more
Theyve been exhaused on being your money *****
Make it work
Make them the money
Make it work
Stop acting funny
For 1 min
For 2 mins
But you need to work till you finish
Your life
Is not yours for living.
Morden time slavery.

Blank
Sit
Write it down
They say

But I stare at it
And it's blank

You've wrote so much they say
You've done so much they say
But I stare at it and it's blank
Blank

Subjectivity is what we all have
And I'm staring at my life
And it's blank

I'll tell you how I got here
When I have

But right now
I feel it in my bones
I feel it in my skin
This is not a life I'm meant to have
And it will be the story to tell
When I get there
I'll tell u how

It's all in my head
It just needs some writing down . . .

Describe it like rain falling down a muddy street
But that's getting old and it doesn't make you feel the heat of the words

Then describe it like this is what it feels like to get old
But still you dont feel those words

Describe it like a broken glass glued to hold
But still you dont feel my words

Cause I dont feel them either
Even though my dictionary grew but describing hasn't gotten easier

A day a year 10 and more passing me by like a seizure
Keep breathing till it ends .
It will pass just let it pass

All thats happening just keep calm and let it pass
Just let it pass
Let it pass

That's kind of funny and thats kind of sad
That's kind of serious and that's kind of flat
But you keep calm and let it pass

Hovering over your every thought is an end
To a thing that feels like it never ends
And when it does you dont know if or that it did
Will we know
I dont know

Just let it pass
Let it pass
Settle for what you have
The job you kinda mighta do better than
The friend you kinda mighta do better than
The life you kinda mighta do better than
The passion the talent you mighta kinda have
Forget it and just let it pass
Lazy as the given ***** you don't have

Vague..

Write on the paper
Roll the paper
Put it in a bottle
And let it go

The sea will change
Yet the bottle will float

No you are not a coincidence
I've created you
And so you are

And these barriers I've created too
Just cause I dont trust my fall after being with someone like you
Like I'm not good enough
Nor do I want to be used

But you are here
You're really near
And yet I am here waiting
For you
I am here waiding
And I've caused that too

The beauty of the ocean
Is in its deep blue
And I am inlove with the blue
So deep down I dont want you to want me too. . . .

You think I am limited by those lines we drew
It might be kind of true
For you ...

You think you make this space
It's kind ok true

Like those floating detailed artistic creations that fall down in winter
A snow flake is what you can create
You draw the pieces to everything
You make the sweet sunrise in your life
You make yourself rise
And if they ever ask you to testify
Tell them you made it
Tell them you created it
Tell them and articulate it
Its beauty and magic

Its beauty
Its beauty
Oh how beautiful
How so ******* beautiful
You've made
Cause you made it

Glowing concrete
But a worn out side walk
Cause those lights would make the blind see
So bright it resembeles eternity
And enternal light is where i want to be
Eternal light is where im bound to be
Eternal light of this old club called 23

This bar stoll is bound to break
If i sit on it with all my mistakes
on my shoulders is everything i could take
And cant take
But im blending in with the music my heart beats fast with or without this music
I see you and i ask you to abuse it
This emptiness that i came with
Undress this mess
And dance till death

But they tell me this club was closed since 1994
So how'd you open this door
This club was burnt down to the floor
The people who died here you can still hear them roar
Since 1994
Their ghost still roams the halls
They say you can check in but you can never leave

But your image I breath
So can you please leave me here ..

Ya I'm talking to the 50 year old guy at the bar
Telling him how growing up is nothing but a big fat *** scar
But **** it

Ya Im waking up at 6 am but Im still drinking like its the weekend
But **** it

Ya Im the one dancing on my own without anyone even playing a song
But **** it

Ya I cut everyone out of my life
But Im speaking to this drunk old guy and he seems fine
So **** it

Ya Im spending every penny Im making.
Even though I got to take care of who made me
They're growing old and its crazy
But **** it

Ya Im holding hands with the bartender
Ya I texted my crush on tender
Ya I sent a creepy fangirl essay to that singer
But **** it

Ya Im kinda depressed and Im creating such a mess
But **** it

Ya this system is making all of us opressed
And Im a slave working day and night
But still ******* my work up
Im trying to pull it together but they think Im not even tryin'
SO **** IT

Ya Im screaming my lungs out at you saying **** this world
And **** IT
So **** IT

Ya Im 22 and you think I'm being over dramaticly blue
But **** it

Ya my anxiety is kind of paralyzing me right now and I can't move
But **** it

Ya I seem weird cause I am weird
So **** IT

AND YA IM SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT SAYING **** IT

ya I might be damaging myself
But I dont know any other way yo exist
So **** ... it

Maybe Im sick
Maybe not

Maybe I can hold the strings to your every move
Maybe not

Maybe I am the ice to your drink
Sip sip and sink
Maybe not

Maybe I make believe
Maybe not

Maybe I drew you in mind
And you just appeared
Maybe not

Maybe I know more
Maybe not

Maybe we can just be
Your the wind and Im the tree
And you sway sway sway me
But my roots are thick and I stay still
And we both know the drill

Maybe not ....



Maybe I shouldnt be this way
Take in too much of life and just spill
Every piece of my mind over your brand new will
That you worked hard for cause you were ill

Maybe not

So maybe I can stay
Maybe not

Words spill out of my damaged lungs
And smoke comes your way

Your eyes are like sweet sweet gin mixed with being numb

If I wasnt this broken and drunk, I would've felt so dumb

But here you are and here I am.

Soaked in what can be done.

If you come closer I can dive into the moment and forget that I'm done.

Cause your eyes are like sweet sweet gin and I wanna be numb.

I have nothing but stories to tell
My thoughts to misspell
Misinterpret this feeling
This crave that I'm needing

Fill this space that I'm keeping
All to myself I live my life
All to myself I live my life

Living life on the edge
That's what the party manic said
Make it rain till you're dead
That's what the crazy manic said

When it's all done and did
Will u be happy with what u did
I got nothing but stories
All my life is a story
Writing out my story
Living life like a story
Help me write this story
Stop saying you're sorry
And help me out not you're laury

**** if I knew how not to worry
I'd take it down with no chase
Make this space a haze
Travel through my thought
Like I'm riding a jeep through an earth quake
Let all hang loose
Man do I need this *****

I live with myself with this space
I have no one to trust in and replace
The space is all for me
Me myself and this space

Tell me all your stories
Tell me all your stories
Tell me all your stories
Fiilll me up with your story
And don't tell me you're sorry
I have nothing but me myself and this space
I trust no one to replace
Me myself and this space
I love no one to replace
Me myself and this space

Don't think just be
Reiterate that with me
You'll see and I'll see
There no one there for free

Do you know what you're doing ?
Yes I'm being me

Who are you?
I know who I was this morning but I've changed a couple of times since then

So how do you feel?
I feel nothing and everything
I feel the lungs burning but I feel no harm
I feel my mind being scattered but I feel it's a charm
I feel my god but I feel he doesn't mind
I feel my consciousness and I know it's inside
But I don't feel those rules that I'm trying to abide
I feel you hurt but I don't hurt likewise
He feels me hurt but he doesn't feel my inside
It's a full circle that comes around
And if you **** up its always going to be your past
And if you mind then I mind
But if you don't then let's go along
Sing a song play my heart like it's wrong
But it's right cause I don't feel my insides
But I feel you right now
And your sound makes my heart pound
And you eyes hides no lies but no emotions too
Are you feeling blue or are you numb like me
Standing up for the sake of the your greed for life
U want it but it's not in sight

Sitting in this white plain rectangle of a desk
Piled up with all the accumulated mess
Missing my brain but trying to impress
I ride this wave
I ride this wave
I ride a car
I ride my brain
I ride your mind
I know that your mind is serine
It fixes my bein'
It's a light house beam
And I'm drowning in this scene
And I wish to come clean
But you fill the scene and you beam
I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't fixate my brain cells on one thing

I can't gravitate
To this attraction
It's not magic
It's static
It's Flabrostaic
Cause your being is nothing I could've imagined

But still it's not magic
It's just problematic