Misuse abuse
It was the choice for me to choose

I got love for you if you love me too
Use me like a napkin for all the sorrows
And throw away
And I keep on playing
Cause I choose to misuse and abuse myself

Like I couldn't choose but I did
I choose and I choose again
And I choose then I choose again
And I make belief that I got nothing to loose
Cause Im just figuring it out cause I am confused

But it won't be the same
Being able to feel with many
Like I'm here to help you
And be funny
Like I owe to make him feel better
No matter my mind or the weather
I OWE HIM TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER

And I owe everyone who's sweet and under the weather
I crave illness cause Im ill
And think if I make it better for him
Might make it better for me
But it's making it worst

Attaching myself worth to my capability to help
When I need help

And the feeling is not rough nor soft
Its a constant plainness of thought
And plain seems nicer than my natural state

So I abuse and misuse myself ...


And I am blessed and cursed to feel with everyone
And I take take take in everyone's pain
Till I feel numb

And if you drink too much your tolerence gets higher  
And when I take in too much my tolerence gets higher
And it's a viscous cycle and Im being a ******* lier
To myself
As I misuse and abuse
And it is and it was my choice to choose.

A taste of what can be
Is a ******* trick

You can be the answer to all my troubles
You can be the magic to all this ruffle
A taste was so good that my mind continued the journey
On its own
Filling the blanks
With what I want it to be

But a taste of what can be is a trick
It leaves a heavy feeling so thick
It makes your soul ache and you think
Think of everything
That can be
Wish you were strong enough to handle me
Wish you were here tonight
Or atleast I wish we would fight

But leaving me with my mind
As I wonder
And pounder
Is torture

And a taste of what can be is a trick
And I dont know if I can handle it

Will I fall or will I fly ..
I make my decisions with myself in mind
Cross my heart and hope to die
Fullfil my soul is whats in mind

How old are you ?
Is what the lady at the bar said to me
As I argued with her about integrity
Life and repeated history

How old are you, she said to me
Im 22, yea and I'm that aware and that blue.

How old are you the lady at work said to me
As I explained to her how decisions are merly destiny
How people are repeatitions of what was done to them
And how I shouldn't look like what they think I should look like to impress them
Im 23 and it took a while to love myself
I still don't like it sometimes, but I remind myself

How old are you??
The psycologist said to me
As I told him why and how my brain and emotions tangled up and untangled
How I was merly dating to relay on someone for free and that it wasn't right for either him or me.
I explained to him the exact reasons for anxiety
And how I need control cause I was scared by chios in my family
And how a panic attack can be cured mentally
And how I don't want his pills cause I've seen what it has done to others and I have empathy

I said I'm 23
I'm 23
And why does this scenario keep happening to me

He said you're on the right path
Aware and righteous
Keep it up and you'll see


But I wasn't any different and I still wasnt okay
So how could you say that to me

I dont know if I know better
And that's why you're impressed
But even if I did I dont think I do better
And knowing is not a bliss
Ignorance might be
But I can't know that for sure
Cause I can only truly experience life through me
 
So will I fly or will I fall
I  dont know
But I crossed my heart and promised myself to take control
Cause no one has you but you
And when you die what did you do for you ?

So I'm sorry that I left you
I'm sorry that I dont answer texts
I'm sorry that I went out that night
Even though I knew you were a mess
I'm sorry that I wasn't truly there in you're last days
Even though I knew you needed what you needed
But I couldn't give.  
And now you're in heaven's bliss

I make my decisions with myself in mind
And I'm not here to impress
I'm here to survive
And I've learned from the best
That no one has got you but you
So do what you got to do
Before it's too late.

Let me cry
So I can feel human
Let me cry let me scream let me get angry
What a lie

9 to 9 like I got no soul
Call it work
But you're nothing but a foolish ****
9 am to 12 am  like I got no soul
They tell you keep it professional
How can I when its 24/7
Are you God and my work is taking me to heaven ?

Cause I don't do that much for God himself
You expect me to do it for living in constant hell ?

Have I lost all meaning if I dont "work hard"
Work till my bones scar
With all the natural toxic outcomes that I've been shoving inside
To keep it professional
24/7
Tell me are you the one taking me to heaven

Work hard to make it
Make it till more people know you while you fake it

Shove down this so called human
Emotions, true connections
Are you delusional ?

Make you more money while I take the 0.00000000000000000000000001%
To stay alive and work harder to make it
Make it till I take the 100%
And pay it on the few minutes I am free
Pay it on therapy
On all the scars it has caused to me

Imposed on me since birth
To be more this or that

I cant even finish this poem cause Im sleepy
Exhaused to the bone its getting creepy
9 to 9, am I alive ?
Cause its seems Im only that when Im crying for what I should strive

I have no words to express no more
Theyve been exhaused on being your money *****
Make it work
Make them the money
Make it work
Stop acting funny
For 1 min
For 2 mins
But you need to work till you finish
Your life
Is not yours for living.
Morden time slavery.

Blank
Sit
Write it down
They say

But I stare at it
And it's blank

You've wrote so much they say
You've done so much they say
But I stare at it and it's blank
Blank

Subjectivity is what we all have
And I'm staring at my life
And it's blank

I'll tell you how I got here
When I have

But right now
I feel it in my bones
I feel it in my skin
This is not a life I'm meant to have
And it will be the story to tell
When I get there
I'll tell u how

It's all in my head
It just needs some writing down . . .

Describe it like rain falling down a muddy street
But that's getting old and it doesn't make you feel the heat of the words

Then describe it like this is what it feels like to get old
But still you dont feel those words

Describe it like a broken glass glued to hold
But still you dont feel my words

Cause I dont feel them either
Even though my dictionary grew but describing hasn't gotten easier

A day a year 10 and more passing me by like a seizure
Keep breathing till it ends .
It will pass just let it pass

All thats happening just keep calm and let it pass
Just let it pass
Let it pass

That's kind of funny and thats kind of sad
That's kind of serious and that's kind of flat
But you keep calm and let it pass

Hovering over your every thought is an end
To a thing that feels like it never ends
And when it does you dont know if or that it did
Will we know
I dont know

Just let it pass
Let it pass
Settle for what you have
The job you kinda mighta do better than
The friend you kinda mighta do better than
The life you kinda mighta do better than
The passion the talent you mighta kinda have
Forget it and just let it pass
Lazy as the given ***** you don't have

Vague..