Will you give me love
Will you give me comfort
Will you give me security ?

Will you care about the money
Would you give me some of your money ?
Does it matter ?
Do I matter ?

I smoke my cigarette  
That I depend on for comfort
I smoke my cigarette
As I wait for my problems to end

With a broken screen on my phone
A broken heart that chokes up my throat
With a broken life I write those words

Can I depend on you ?
Cause our love is "true"
Cause you know my life
Cause you know my fight
Cause you know I'm not fragile
But you know that I've broken

Can I depend on you ?
Can you prove my past my present as untrue ?

They say money can turn people bad
But is it only the money that they had
Or are all humans conditioned to care for themselves only
Care for their wants only
And caring for others has a limit
See I can help you but with a price
You can help me but with a price
Even this cigarette has a price
But I got nothing else to depend on
So I pay my price
I'm in debt and I dying inside

So can I depend on you
To prove what I'm saying to be untrue
Please prove me wrong
Cause I can't believe my own self
How could all those people be doing me so wrong
Independency is myth
And dependency has its price
So leave me to smoke my cigarette
Atleast the cigarette never lied
And it warned me about it price

All the little things that make me happy
All the little things that make me.. me
Are all irrelevant nonsense
Or so I was told...

I've been conditioned to believe it doesn't matter
The fact that I lost a friend
That fact that I have a friend
The fact that I want to stay up late at night
The fact that I can't stay up all night
The fact that I want my painting up on the wall
The fact that I can't have my painting up on the wall
The fact that I want to be alone
The fact that I can't be alone
The fact that I'm depressed
The fact that it doesn't matter that I'm happy

I've been conditioned
To give no meaning to things that mean a lot to me
And now you want me to care ?
I'm sorry it's too late cause I'm not there
I'm not here
I can't care
And the reality of this gives my deepest core and bones a scare

You think it doesn't matter
Then what does matter
Tell me
What does matter
Can I follow you like a slave
Can I be your trained dog
Maybe then it would be easier for me to live
Maybe I should give in
Live misirable
But I'm already misirable
So who cares ?
Nothing matters anyway

I've never been more myself
Yet I've never been more lost.

You know when you know you should feel something but you don't ?

You know when you go through the motions of the day but you're gone ?

You know when you know if you feel for one thing you will feel everything that is going wrong ?

That will hurt you
Everything that might destroy you.

And you're surrounded by it
By everything wrong.

I forgot how sad it felt
I forgot how mad I felt
I forgot everything that went wrong.

And here we are . . . .  

Affected by the experiences
Lost in the meaning of any of it
It's all irrelevant  
It's all meaningless
Then why am I here
When I don't care anymore
And I can't feel

All that's left is a reoccurring questioning of the self ..
When will I leave this state of limbo
And Will I ever leave this state of limbo
Maybe I won't

Burnt out
Drained ..

I have felt like this before
But now it's with a hint of giving up

I am burnt out
I am drained

My love has been ****** out
My passion has been destroyed
My self-image has been tarnished
I feel vanished from my own mind

Famished for life
But not willing to live it

I'm burnt out .

I think about you
I know you think you're alone
I know you think no one understands

But, I think about you more than you think
I worry .

You are a beautiful human
I look up to you
The way you express yourself
The way you have everyone's attention
The way you make every story an amazing adventure
The way you feel things so deep
I admire you.

Don't fall I beg of you
Don't go there don't lose yourself in distractions in drugs in men in a dark twilight

But I'm just your friends and no matter how much I tell you this
It's not enough
I wish I was enough

I know I'm not enough
But I worry
I see it in your eyes
Your hiding more than anyone knows
Your hiding so much
God it breaks my heart
It aches my insides
But what can I do
I wish I was enough . . .

You are precious
You are precious
So precious

It's all aligned in my head, my thoughts are clear I see the dirt and I see the green. I can talk I can explain me. I have value I have a dream.
People are fascinated by me, some discourage me some don't understand me some don't see my value, but some do. And I do.
I can speak I can form a thought I can express my sanity.
I can speak I am speaking but not everyone is meant to listen. Not everyone is meant to know me.
I have a guideline I have a system but it's a crisis management mentality.
I'm controlled by emergency I'm controlled by the need.
The need for me to be sane the need for me to form value the need for me to form an understanding.

But what happens when it's gone. What happens when I'm lost again. What happens when I can't explain. What happens when the light is dark and the darkness is my light and everything is slipping between my figures and I can't I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be in control I don't want to believe I make my destiny cause then I have done a shifty job and it's all because of me.
What happens when I know can have the ultimate lifestyle what happens when I know I can be the best and it all depends on me.
What happens when I know no one can truly help me but me, and I know that I can't help me.
What happens when I'm falling and no one is watching over me ?

I know now I was in that place I know now I can be better I know now I am going to fall again and I know now that I don't know.

It's crazy when you are the smartest person in the room and you feel like the dumbest I know now that I am not typical not even on the surface

I know now that I am a universe and I am not a garden to control and to maintain.
I know now that I am in a universe and not my own world I know now that I can't define what defines me.
I know now that I am in control when I am in control and that something is controlling me.

Émotions are a weird existence
Where do they come from
From our brains, from our being?

If they come from us then how do we conflict them?

Emotions are flawed
But somehow they are the most pure
The most true you.

I love you but you hurt me
And I got over you but I didn't

I feel bruised but I feel crave for you
I feel crave for our memories
I feel pride and I don't want to talk to you
I feel like I shouldn't
But I did
I feel you are bound to hurt me
I feel like you don't understand me
But I feel like no one understands me the way you do
I feel love to the detail.
To the way you word things
To the way you swirl the pencil between your fingers
To the way you awkwardly hug me
But I can still feel you more than the best hugs I got.

Emotions are a weird existence
But so are we
Emotions are conflicting in nature
But so are we
And I'm not sure what to make out of it
But the craving emotions overshadows me
And even if another emotion or in other words "thought" comes to me
I can't help but go with the most powerful one
Even if I tell myself not to
That would just be another emotion
Over shadowed

Emotions are like cancer cells
Your body fights them
But rarely wins

And the emotion of you
Has infected me