How much I really love you.
How much I still love you.
How much I'll always want you.
Because I'm starting to believe that
A love like this is incomprehensible.
I know because I never understood it myself.

I have felt like an outsider
Ever since my childhood ended
When I was left with a gaping
Hole carved by the one who loved me.
And I know he adores me still
But he is too far away now
That I cannot reciprocate
His feelings. Though I do admit,
I allow myself to succumb
To nostalgia once in a while.

My true friend gone, I bounced around
Different groups of people trying
To find my place in a sea of
Jealousy and competition.
I'm so thankful I got to know
The ones I did because they were
Beautiful and fascinating
In their own distinctive manner.
For a while I thought I found one
But I soon began to realize
That I had been brainwashed into
Thinking that I loved these people,
When really I didn't know them
And they didn't care to know me.

My world shattered and so did I;
Frantically trying to pick up
The pieces so I could be whole.
But my memories and thoughts of
The past eighteen years were too much
For me to pick up on my own.
One day while blindly moving in
The dark, I ran into one of
You who found a part of me on
The ground. You seemed to recognize
A shattered soul so you grabbed some
Glue and you called your friends asking
For help reassembling me.

Together, you made the cracks not
As obvious to those who looked;
But every time I peered in the
Mirror, there they were distorting
The image of myself and those
Around me.  But before you could
Repair that, we all went away
To separate places and I had
To try and fix the cracks myself.
But I only had so many
Hands so I built an elaborate
Device to keep me intact as
I mended each imperfection.

And that's how he found me, trying
To fix something he was convinced
Wasn't broken in the slightest.  
He unhooked me from the device
Then set me down and forced me to
Look at myself in the mirror.
For the first time in a long time
I saw my face and all of yours
Smiling in the reflection as
If to say "Now do you see us?"

All that's left is to remember
I must check the mirror every
So often so I can see your
Faces full of love and support
And see that I am not alone

I wish I could break
Shatter into a million pieces
Of sharded glass, waiting to be stepped on.
Causing you to bleed wouldn't hurt me
Because I would already be broken.

This universe doesn't give a ****
Whether we're moving
Or camping out on life's sidelines.
The doers, in the end
Meet the same fate as the dreamers.

I want you to break me.
Work me until I fall apart
Until I can't take it anymore.
At least then
I will overdose on my need for perfection
Before I die of it.
You can take my needle from me
Before my heart stops beating.
Before it turns my blue vein black.

Then maybe I can stop craving
Everything that hopes to **** me off.

I am here, and you are there.
we seem to only be a breath away.
I could reach out and touch your perfectly sculpted face,
cold as a statue,
but warm as a flame.
I could trace your features,
lingering on the lips I've longed to kiss.
I could run desperate fingers through your hair,
feel it slip like water,
unattainable.
I can see your eyes, hooded by silk curtains,
bright as your smile.
Your teeth,
perfectly aligned as you smile;
the happiest sight in the world.
I am here, and you are there.
But as the void fills and the crowd overpowers us,
suddenly,
you're light years away.

all i ever wanted
was you to leave a mark
on my skin
bruises to abrasions
lovers to hatred

and i wanted something to remember you by
not the songs i hear or
the tears i've cried
something more than a memory to
keep you close to home.

i know my heart is a vacant hold
onto your vindictive soul
i hope someday it drifts away,
rather than devour me whole.

i want more than your blood in my veins,
i want you in my rib cage
bursting with flora and ferns
building your garden from the inside out

forgetting you
is proving to be
a nearly impossible task.

It's 2:12 AM...
My head is pounding
My mouth is dry
I'm muttering to myself and
I'm broken.

It's January 9th, 2014.
Your birthday is in three days.
I'm not allowed to come to the party,
Even though you mean more to me than anything else on Earth, and
I'm broken.

I'm not over you.
I don't think I will ever be...
But you say your sexuality is different now,
As if, if I didn't have a ***** maybe things would have turned out differently?
I'm broken.

Everything you say
About her, or about how happy you are about her,
Remind me of the similar things you once told me, so thanks for all those ******* memories...
Nevermind, whatever.
I'm just broken.

You played me a fool.
You tricked me.
You didn't only do that. I...
I believed in you.
But you've broken me.