look after yourself,
swollen mouth
overgrown toe-nails.
teeth yellowed by coffee,
smelt of lust

you did this to me.

no,
i was the **** kissing
drinking liquor that burnt my feet
my eyes
the rush of the dark liquid that
tainted my body
i ****** him, and him, and him,
and i pretended to love,

to love

to love.

i did it all by myself.

sometimes
when he holds me at night,
i pretend
your ribs jutting out and poking my back,
your hands tracing my neck,
kissing my cheek,
looking at me

“you’re the most beautiful girl in the world”

“oh, shut up”

laughing,
crying and holding and loving
my arms shake, i can’t feel
his heartbeat
80 to 90 bpm
yours was different,
i remember your heart,
****** beard
i told you how handsome either way,
that your eyes sparkled and mine were grey,

a tear falls down my cheek,
and he asks

“are you ok?”

he’s risky  
like a box of blueberries,
only the sour bits hit your tongue
just as hard as the sweet ones.

Wish you were around
didn't know you thought about
wishing me
my around-ness,
about me?

when was i on your mind,
i haven't heard an i miss you —
responses don’t count,
like a broken shell,
pieces of us everywhere crumble
Smaller and smaller,
tiny grains of heart
fill up my stomach and
i keep looking at your words

miss you,
That’s all you know how to say,
All you ever could muster
— what are you afraid of?
you had me thinking —
i must’ve been nothing,
an empty glass,
glimmers in the light,
pictures of rainbows on your lips and you
taste the sweet pomegranate seeds sometimes too,
pink on tongue on cheek on lip,
what did you feel?

you touched the glass,
understood the knocking when you threw
and shattered
on the ground, shards of glass sprinkle my legs,
i am hurt
the outside layer is strewn through my teeth,
crunchcrunchcrunch
the read threads whisper through my tongue and
you turn away,
the clear crispy was too sharp for your soft heart —
you didn't miss me then.

so don't wish,
because I'm not around,
and i know
you don't miss me at all.