decoding your poems to figure out who it was actually for


love poems for her.

some for me.

i cant figure out why but

there's jealousy stirring up in me.



im not the best right now

im sorry.

i really do love you too.


i just dont- know... how to? tell you



because youre not into us


just like how she felt.




you want her.




"jenny"

as a biological female i bleed for a week every month

Be thankful, they say.

What is there to be thankful for?

SOMEONE JUST HELP ME PLEASE I HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

HOW DID I SPEND MY "THANKSGIVING?" I SLEPT AND WORKED.

WHY?

BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IN THIS ******* HOUSEHOLD HAS A BRAIN AND THEY DON'T MAKE ANY MONEY.

I just thought that this year might've been different.

lovis bought jenny stuff

matt bought kai stuff

robin? well robin bought themself stuff.

Am I young?

Too young to be writing these things?

No.

I'm not.

You don't know what I've been through.

You don't know what happens at home.

You don't know anything about me.

Yes, I'm 14.

Fourteen.

Not even of legal age.

But, you have to understand that I,

I've gone through ****.

You don't know anything.

Don't assume anything.

I'm broken.

Shattered.

Weak.

I just-

Need help.

I,

a biological female,

I have nothing.

Everyone else?

Had $20+ spent on them.

I have nothing

Christmas shouldn't be about gifts.

It's about the thought.

The care.

That's what counts.

NO ONE CARES.

NO ONE EVER ******* THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

IF YOU ******* CARED,

YOU WOULD'VE AT LEAST WRITTEN A CARD.

SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS.

GAVE ME A HUG.

BUT I GOT NOTHING.

NOT EVEN A SMILE.

NOT EVEN A LOOK IN THE EYES.

AM I INVISIBLE?

******* TELL ME NOW AM I INVISIBLE?


sure as hell feels like it.

was us plotting to sneak out and meet up at the park in kindergarten

haven’t felt this one in a while.

if i told you that the girl you like,


i feel like it’s slowly happening.


slowly falling for her

met her first.

got here first.

loved her first.

hugged her first.

watched her cry first.

comforted her first.

saw her first.

cuddled with her first.

played games with her first.

spoke with her first.


me.

i did.


and everyone else came.


and i lost her.

and i hate it but you “love” each other so **** IT MAYBE I JUST WONT ANYMORE BECAUSE IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO REPLACE OUR 9 YEARS WITH HER THEN SO BE IT.

how does someone tell the authorities that their father is abusive without getting said father arrested

so you've been thinking about it?

great!

ive been thinking about it too.


for 3 years.


i dont say anything because i know you dont like me like that.


i know you dont

so dont lie.



i-


things would change though.

id be able to call you my gf.

my everything.


these moments we share,

could be our moments.

our memories.



but.


they arent :)

did you ever love me from the start?

i’m sorry, i’m doubting myself.





i just want you to be happy.







if this is how you’re happy then,








i hope you’re happy.

even if it makes me uncomfortable



would you like me more

i dont ever want to tell you these things because


you dont know the abuse that lies behind the door

that was us.



but someone has taken your place.



you gave it up.



its her turn now.

Moaning.

She aches for his soft touch on her delicate body.

He pecks her neck softly, holding her close in bed.

I like you.

You have a girlfriend.

Oh well.

i need to stop writing about you.

but this is what happens when someone falls in love,

and feels... so.. so giddy.


you might just be an ordinary person,


but to me,

god-

to me you’re like my whole world.


your bright brown eyes lighten up the day.


your beautiful smile makes me warm inside.


your hugs- god your hugs make me feel comforted.


i can’t wait to see you tomorrow

you do like me that way.

i just didnt believe you like the idiot i am.

i finally feel comfortable with wearing my binder outside of home

when you complain about how you dont want people looking over your shoulder when your writing.


im hiding things because youre hiding things.



at this point im too scared to write anything because you'll see it

the aftermath of a break up: stage 2

Small pecks on the cheek,

Small pecks on the neck,

Small pecks on the lips.


Blushing.


Oh, how I miss that feeling?

I miss that rush.

That rush of love.


Feelings.


Just knowing that someone loves me.


I love it so.

I want to feel that again.

i hate you so much youre such an ***

"trying to? you dont look like youre trying to"

no **** sherlock im not showering in front of you

why cant you ever leave me alone?

you always bother me no matter what

what the **** why cant i have a life without you barging into it

i hate it

i hate it so much

i wish youd just leave me alone


so i can die


dont you ever bring up ,y health ever again

mental or not i ******* hate your guts and i know you hate mine too


but dont worry ill be dead soon *******

you left.

have you gotten home safely?

i miss you.

i want your hugs again.



please come back soon...

before it gets worse...

You.

because mine are just useless pieces of writing that i think of during class.

you agree, i think.


i mean i should be doing math instead of looking at you

i never realised how much i loved her.

i knew i did but i never knew how much i did.

sobbing in the bathroom.

there i go

losing another one.


one that i thought would stay.


she wasn’t ready
maybe she was uncomfortable.
no she doesn’t know right now it’s fine.


excuses and excuses.

i’m giving myself excuses.


over a silly dumb girl.


who just left me.


heartbroken.

she would be mad if i told you.

she likes you.

i know you aren’t ready for a relationship. i know.

because you’re new and confused.


i get it man

she really likes you though. like dude,,

i’ve never seen her eyes light up like that.


not even when she was with me

I ******* love you.

bro it's been what now, 8 years?

8. *******. years.

i still like you.


just been shoving it down for the longest time.


i know you dont feel the same way.


so.

i watched you stand around.

the snow was falling around you.

your smile.

was everything.

your cheeks were so rosy red.

and you walked away.

.

and i saw you

.

standing next to her.


i really thought i was over her by then.

and i felt my heart,

d r o p .


i really wasnt anything to you right.

you.

the girl.

i really wasnt anything to you.



i thought we had something.

that we could be friends.

but g o d.

i really wasnt anything towards you.


and i missed seeing your rosy cheeks in the glistening snow.

i made this account for us.

to tell people how much i loved you

how you were mine

without you knowing.

i bragged and bragged on how my girlfriend is the best

how she’s amazing.

how she makes my day by just smiling.



and she’s gone.

i can hear your sobs behind the door.

are you okay?

we shouldnt be doing this because i just broke up with her?


but i said 3 years?



but to be fair,

she said she liked him, one of our best friends, for 9 months.

for 3 of those 9 months, we were dating.



but still.

3 years.

you asked about it.



ive just been pushing down these feelings to the point where they dont exist.


or at least i thought.


i saw you again and they came back.


every time i saw you.


they came back.


so i gave up.


theres your answer

i saw that bandaid on your wrist

how else would i describe myself?


i say i’m done with relationships and then

i

complain about not having someone to love


i want a relationship.

i don’t like anyone that much anymore.

nor does anyone like me.


i mean,, all my past relationships were “great” until i get dumped.



****.



no one wants me


fair, we’re only 15.


i’ll be able to drive next year.

graduate in 2.


i just want a ******* relationship.


where i won’t feel like ****

where i won’t be treated like ****

where someone will actually love me

i’ve lost all of my safe spots.

i dont think you understand.

you dont understand how much i wanted you back.


i cried. for so long after i lost you the first time.

first time.


i considered finding people because you.

you dumped me.


and we got back together.



i was happy.


but i was scared, thinking

"is she happy?"


"if i do this, she'll be jealous.,, i better not then."




like you said.


did i feel jealous?


do i feel jealous?



hell yeah.


imagine watching someone you love,


someone who was your best friend,

who you hung out with all the time,


slowly get taken away.

from people you dont even know.



well-


that was me for what,

2-3 years.


i ******* loved you.


with everything i ever had.


everything.


i wouldve given up anything to see your smile.



but it seemed like you didnt want it.


but its okay.


its okay.



maybe i will kiss her in the bathroom.


like how we did.



little awkward idiots in the bathroom.

one dinner. just one ******* meal PLEASE i just want to have one meal without hearing you curse me under your breath.

yes my brother spilled his drink.

ONE ******* SPILL.

one.

spilled.

soda.

that’s what ******* set you off huh


THATS IT??

crying my ******* eyes out because

all i wish is to be okay.

i just want to be ******* okay

i want to know how it feels like to be in a loving family.

where i have both parents.

where my father isn’t abusive

where my mother isn’t struggling.


where i’m- loved.


and now, i tremble at the sound of footsteps walking by.

trembling, shaking, as i hear the shouting.

it’s my fault isn’t it

if i weren’t born none of this would happen.


none.


of.


it.


now here i am.

sobbing in the bathroom.

locking myself in the bathroom.


hoping i could at least figure out how to survive.


i just need to survive

move out when i’m 18,

think i’m crazy?

if only you ******* knew what happens at home.


all i really feels by now is pain and sadness.