There's dishes to wash
Dinner to be made
People to greet
All throughout the day

The cat needs food
The dog needs water
Let them out side
No time to shatter

The days are full
So many things to do
No time to break
No time to miss you

Until bed time....
That's when I cry
When the stars shine
and the moon lights the sky

I try to sleep
But I'm filled with sorrow
I hug your pillow
And wait for tomorrow

When the sun shines
There are things to be done
No time for sadness
My day has begun

So I put it away
In the back of my mind
I pretend you're just out
You didn't leave me behind

Until night time
When I lay my weary head
and once again I stare at your empty bed
That's when I miss you.....that's when I cry

I watch the news and see  the world in turmoil
I listen to the cries of my people and my heart
is heavy.  I pray for them.  I ask God to intercede
on their behalf....but

I watch it all and a part of me is disconnected
For me timed stopped when I got the news
"She's gone"  I heard my niece say those words
And yet they would not penetrate, I couldn't
take it in.

It couldn't be....I've been praying so hard for
her recovery.  I have never prayed harder for
anything in my entire life.  She can't be gone
It's a mistake, has to be.....but no, it's true
She's gone.

So for me, everything that has happened since
feels like it's happening to some one else.
Like I'm watching a show or movie and the
protagonist has to keep going even though her
heart is broken to bits.

I know I've done things.  Made decisions, some of them
very important.  I'm planning a memorial for her.
I've been going on but.....it doesn't feel that way.
Hell, I've laughed with my family, I've cooked for them
I've eaten with them, but every night when I lay me down
It doesn't feel like I've done those things at all.

How can I have?  You're not here.  I look over at your
empty bed and I talk to you as if you're in it but you're
not!  So all that eating and laughing and cooking and
cleaning and getting things ready couldn't have happened!
You're not here and nothing is right!

And why does my chest feel like it's caving in?  Am I dying?
No....I'm not but you did!!!  How though?  I prayed so hard!
God is real.  I know this.  I believe this with my whole heart.
So then why?  Why did he say no?

The next second I answer my own question and the
answer is....what does it matter?  It doesn't.  He said no
and that's that.  You're gone and I'm here and I'm trying
God knows I'm trying.  But nothing is right anymore.


I'm frightened that I will never feel again the way I
felt snuggled in bed looking over and seeing you
snuggled up in yours.  I'd drift off listening to
you breathe in sleep and in that moment I was truly
blessed.  And I knew it.  I swear I did.

The same way I know now that nothing will ever be
the same again.  I'll have to figure out my new normal
What ever that is.  The worst part is that feeling that
no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake.

I still expect you to show up.  I'm still waiting for you
to walk through the door when I hear a car door slam
outside, but it's always some one else now and even
though I knew it wouldn't be you it's still breaks my
heart into even smaller pieces every single time.

Will that ever go away?  Some how I don't think it will.
Not this time.  Not with you.  You were my everything
My best friend, my teacher, my mother.....my sister.
I feel lost without you.  I miss you more than I thought
I could miss any one.

I want you back.  I know it's selfish as hell, but if I'm
gonna be honest I want you back.  I want you here
beside me.  I wanna laugh with you, cry with you,
be afraid with you, go through hard times with you.
Because nothing is as scary if I have you beside me.

Everything is scary with out you.  Even breathing feels
like a betrayal to you.  I should have stopped breathing when you did but.....God said no.  So I have to keep going.
Even if I don't want to.  I promised I would look after your
girls.  Your beautiful daughters that you gave to me.

And I will.  Even though I'm scared.  Even if I'm broken.
I will help them and your perfectly amazing granddaughter.
She's holding on and I will help her all I can.  I promise.
I guess that's why I'm still here.  For them. So for them
I'll find a way.  A way to live with out you.  But ****...
It hurts.  It hurts more than any thing I've ever had to face.

Most of all....I just really miss you so much.   As much as I love
you, I miss you.  I promise to be  the best person I can be.
I'll give to those in need, I'll forgive when some one hurts me.
I'll love with all my heart that way God will let me see you again.
That's what keeps me going.  That thought.  That one day,
some day....I'll be holding you again.  We'll all be together
again.  Please God let us be together again.

When I'm scared or my faith is tested
You are there to bring me strength

When I'm confused or hurt
You bring me comfort

Together we faced loss
Over and over again

You have always been beside me
You have always helped me heal

You are my partner in this life
My friend. my brother.

I love you more than I could
ever describe in words

But on this blessed day
The day you were born I'll try

It's your birthday but
It's us your family that gets the gift

We get to spend this day with you
I know it'll be a sad one for you
But try to remember the good things

We are here with you....your girls
To spoil you as much as we can
To share with you our hopes and dreams
We'll have hard times, but we'll get through
them the only way that works.....together

Happy birthday little brother
I love you more than life it self

Thinking Of You

Lately you've been on my mind
I wonder how you've been
Miss you from time to time
I didn't know we were a losing battle
You walked away like our love didn't matter

I fell in love with the man you showed me
And the woman that I became
I learned so much with you beside me
Tell me when did it all change?
You know that I adored you
But my love wasn't enough
You found your home in the arms of another
With out a choice I moved on and gave up

Lately you've been in my dreams
It feels impossible that you would think of me
Never found my happy ever after
If you don't ask you'll never get an answer

I fell in love with the man you showed me
And the woman that I became
I learned so much with you beside me
Tell me when did it all change?
You know that I adored you
But my love wasn't enough
You found your home in the arms of another
Without a choice I moved on and gave up

I had a chance to move on
But I shut down, closed the door
I should've just let you go

I fell in love with man that you showed me
And the woman that I became
I learned so much with you beside me
Tell me when did it all change?
You know that I adored you
But my love wasn't enough
You found your home in the arms of another
Without a choice I moved on and gave up.

In the end Justice prevailed
In the end we chose Love
In the end we chose to fight
And.....we won.

Now real change begins....

She said that she loved us, that she couldn't live without us
She had secrets and needed our help
We sat by her side, held tight and all cried
and vowed she wouldn't face this herself

On our promise we made good, did everything we could
but in the end she needed more than we could give
She started out strong, then it all went so wrong
Now we don't even know where she lives

Through crocodile tears she fed on our fears
and took til we had nothing left
She packed up her bags, without one backward glance
Left only trash in the room where she slept

With our patience worn thin, she knew she couldn't win
She must find a new fool for his turn
Where they don't know she lies, she quietly hides
She doesn't care, just a new bridge to burn

But here is the twister, we still love our sister
and hope some day that she wins this fight
It may be, if we pray, very hard every day
We'll hear soon that she's found the light