These bugs keep crawling all over my window
No matter what I do they won't go away
And I wish this eclipse would finally be over
And go from the darkness back to the day

Some kind of animal crawled under my house
He smells like he's been dead for a week
My well is empty we really need some rain
My voice so dry, I can hardly even speak

I wish my wife would hurry back home
How long can it take to go to the store?
She needs to vacuum as soon as she can
Just look at this dirt all over our floor

This house is starting to get too small
The walls feel like they're caving in
I'm gonna have to gain weight pretty soon
Cause I'm really starting to look too thin

There's those bugs again they won't go away
And now they're crawling all over my head
In case you haven't figured it out by now
Just read it again, I'm dead

Who am I to stand in judgement?
For I too, am but a man
A constant whisper condemns me
For I've chosen not, which way to stand

You find her guilty, say you all
This evil practice, was satan learned
So now you tie her to the stake
Thru innocent cries, this witch is burned

Sleepless nights, now haunt your minds
As you prepare for another trial
You claim the witch invades your dreams
As she screams her songs of denial

The color of her eyes are not quite right
So you say she's satan's daughter
Instead of her right hand she uses her left
Which means, another witch to slaughter

I dare not stand in judgement
Though you say I must choose sides
You say that I'm satan's apprentice
In league with one of his brides

One more stake has been prepared
The flames now scream my name
Ignorance is judged when time's no more
And you won't have the witches to blame

Hidden beneath the breath of time
Are things that remain unseen
It's a place neither here nor there
For it's simply in between

Hollow stares, with eyes of pain
Is the evidence that they can see
A place, without understanding
And it will not set us free

It captures all our hopes and dreams
It's like they don't exist
Who we were and who we are
Has simply been dismissed

Our loved ones left alone to ponder
About a place they cannot go
They try to help us mend our wounds
But the scars just will not show

Depression is a such lonely place
It hides inside our mind
It steals the joy that we once knew
Where peace is hard to find

It swallows up our tomorrows
As it leaves an empty soul
We're left alone to suffer
In a place where you can't go

She loves me she loves me not
I wish she'd make up her mind
I keep telling her, that a man like me
Is almost impossible to find

I've told her how good looking I am
And she says, "Yeah whatever you say"
I say, "I know I am but I can't help it"
And that God just made me that way

I even tell her she's getting smarter
But she'll never be as smart as me
I think she understands what I'm saying
She just stands there staring at me

I try to tell her when she's getting fat
You'd think she'd be a little grateful
But no, she just starts calling me names
And saying some things that are hateful

I tell her when her cooking is bad
But she simply can't handle the truth
The last time I told her, she threw a plate
And caused me to chip a tooth

She loves me she loves me not
The petals on this flower come true
I keep telling her that I'm something special
But she just doesn't see it,.... can you?

He wasted his talent for most of his life
Buried down deep in his soul
Knowing he had the words to heal
But no one would ever know

He could see inside a person's heart
He knew how to fix their pain
He could even find the rainbow
Each time that it started to rain

And though he had never been there
He could still understand their grief
He knew what each was looking for
And could offer a little relief

He was more than your everyday poet
For he had such a special gift
He could always bring his words to life
To set our souls adrift

There was something about the words he chose
That was simple, with understanding
His words were kind and well defined
Suggesting, but never demanding

How many lives could this poet have touched
If he would have only followed through?
Don't be afraid to write what you feel
For this poet, could even be you

Where would any of us be
Without our guiding lights
The one who nursed us back to health
Through all our sleepless nights

The one who showed us patience
And taught us, right from wrong
She made us eat our vegetables
To make sure we'd grow up strong

The one who made us brush our teeth
And say our evening prayers
The one who wiped our tears away
To show us that she cares

The one who trapped those monsters
That were hiding beneath our beds
The one who tucked us in each night
And kissed us on our heads

She taught us all about Jesus
And of Heaven's Paradise
The one who gave us all she had
No matter, the sacrifice

There's no one like our mothers
Tho mine, has passed away
We thank you all, for all you give
And have a Happy Mother's Day

In the middle of an abandoned churchyard
Stands a lily, who all pass by
Growing in winter, spring, summer and fall
Just simply, refusing to die

Some people called it unnatural
As they plucked it from the ground
But when the sun came up, the very next day
Again, that flower was found

Day after day, they would break its stem
Like a thousand times before
But the lily would be resurrected
And spring to life once more

It was even covered with gasoline
As they stood and watched it burn
Once again, while everyone slept
The flower, would just return

They decided to bring their shovels
And dig, til there was nothing to save
And that's when they knew this lily
Was a marker, for an unknown grave

A little girl who was long since missing
Abudcted in the night, while she slept
Never found, and they never knew
The secret that this lily kept

Her body was moved to a gravyard
With a gravestone, so everybody knows
The little girl missing, has finally been found
And is resting, where the lily grows

I've heard it said a whisper
Is a secret from the heart
A hidden truth, without restraints
Where all the romance starts

It can also be a heartache
A broken tale of love
A gentle breeze that tells us
What someone's thinking of

Sometimes it's a memory
Of a day that we hold dear
A thoughtful word of comfort
Or a long forgotten fear

It's not about the volume
It's about what's wrapped inside
Words that's hold some purpose
Or things that we need to hide

A whisper can be most anything
Whatever we choose it to be
A breath of air with meaning
Or a secret we set free

A building was built in nineteen-ten
A place for the children to learn
Once filled with laughter, now the everafter
This schoolhouse would suddenly burn

Twenty-one souls, were lost that day
When the schoolhouse burned to the ground
A nightmarish cost, everyone was lost
A bible, the only thing found

A school once more, raised from the ashes
But later, turned into a home
With visions and dreams, of bloodcurdling screams
And oasis, for spirits to roam

Ghostly apparitions, now wander these rooms
Trying to escape from the flames
Trapped in this hell, their spirits now dwell
While calling their mothers names

Each night they play their childish games
Destined, to relive that day
Ever changing shape, while trying to escape
This place, where the children play

I dare not take even one more glance
For your beauty captures my soul
There's no escaping love's sweet trance
That comes from your radiant glow

You hold my desires, in the palm of your hand
With the mere mention of your name
Your wishes now, forever my command
Like a genie grants fortune and fame

You're the masterpiece, the artist paints
Each time that he raises his brush
Your presence, causes the flowers to faint
And your whisper, my heartbeat to hush

They speak of your beauty, in the Heavens above
They call you the treasure, the goddess of love

I cannot see tomorrow
I think its run away
Afraid of the all things we've done
And the price we'll have to pay

Our future stands back watching
And counting our mistakes
Holding us responsible
For the decisions that we make

We've chased away our future
Tomorrow has simply vanished
And if there's no tomorrow
Then we are truly banished

It will not hear excuses
As to why we chose this path
It will simply disappear
And cut our world in half

I cannot see tomorrow
I think its run away
It's time to choose a different path
Or make this our last day

I buried an angel, on top of the hill
Under the magnolia tree
Her wings are long since silent
But she still means the world to me

The magnolia's flowers, cover her grave
Decorated in majestic white
She said the scent was Heaven's perfume
And their smell was pure delight

I was married to this angel for 41 years
Before Heaven called her away
I knew she had to leave this world
Even tho I begged her to stay

I know that my loss, is Heaven's gain
I guess they were one angel short
I know they wouldn't have taken her
Unless it was the last resort

Sometimes when I start missing her
I can't wait til the magnolias bloom
We can sit and talk for hours
While smelling their sweet perfume

She said this is as close to Heaven
As anyone could ever be
So I buried her on the hillside
Under that magnolia tree

Nature makes its own decisions
It decides who lives or dies
Like the hunger of a common bluebird
Who's driven by her baby's cries

Now even the housefly will do the same
Driven by its hunger, they seek
Trying its best to avoid its doom
By way of the bluebird's beak

Somewhere soon their paths will cross
And the strong will devour the weak
Nature's design, cannot be broken
And the housefly's future looks bleak

Then out of the sky, lightning strikes
As the bluebird falls to the ground
A naked power line decides her fate
And the housefly's feast, has been found

It's funny to see how nature works
Pondering while wondering why
Things are nothing like they appear
Like the bluebird and the fly

He wakes up early in the morning
Like it was any other day
He didn't sleep at all last night
He tried his best to pray

His mind just keeps on wandering
Back to his troubled past
And now the day of reckoning
Has finally come at last

Fifteen years he's waited
Knowing this day would come
It's time to pay for his sinful deeds
And the things that he has done

He watches the clock, as seconds pass
For time, is not his friend
With only fifteen more minutes to go
Til this life he knows will end

Fifteen years to contemplate
As he thought of his life of crime
Ten more minutes and it will all be over
For he's running out of time

He keeps praying that the phone will ring
But the call just doesn't come
Just five more minutes, left to breathe
And then it will all be done

They strap him to a cold, steel table
And administered his I.V.
They ask him if he has any last words
He said, "God has forgiven me"

He turns his head, with a final gasp
And quietly closes his eyes
He woke up early this morning
And he saw, his last sunrise

In the shadows of an empty church
A little child is kneeling
She prays for God to take away
The pain her mother is feeling

Torn between, her mother's love
And the mercy to let her die
She prays the end comes quickly
And the suffering pass her by

A child of only ten years old
With a heart, already grown
She's seen the pain and suffering
That most have never known

Her mother, stricken with cancer
And her, an only child
The product of a broken marriage
Her hopes and dreams defiled

She sits beside her mother's bed
Holding her weakened hand
Binding her tears, trying to be brave
Too young to understand

Her prayers are finally answered
Her mother passes away
All alone, she kneels once more
And again, begins to pray

She says, "Dear Lord take care of mama"
As she sits in the empty room
"Tell mama that I'm gonna miss her,
"And that I will see her soon"

Death beckons me to heed his call
He bids me to hasten my departure
He woos me with his hypnotizing words
That fly true, like the arrows of an archer

For a season, his cries went unheard
As I marveled at the beat of my heart
But now, it seems, my life unfulfilling
I keep looking for ways to depart

He's ever present, as I wander this maze
Pleading for my jouney to end
Telling me lies of false understanding
And taking the appearance of a friend

He whispers my name, in subliminal message
That only my mind can perceive
A pale horse, stands, at the foot of my bed
Looking for ways to deceive

He whispers, "No mercy", no mercy indeed
For I too, must one day atone
No one can hear my cries for compassion
For it's true, we all die alone

Though life be predictable, no longer appealing
For now, in my purpose content
But growing so weary, of his never ending cadence
I fear, I too, must one day relent

Beneath the autumn leaves lies a secret
Buried, underneath an old oak tree
A woman, for some time, gone missing
Now, just part of the scenery

A child of seventeen years, now silent
No marker, to show where she lay
She's been gone now, for more than a season
A sad story always ends this way

She cries out from her grave of sorrows
That one day, her body might be found
A rose decorates her shallow grave
With scattered leaves blowing on the ground

A victim of a crime, with no witness
Just another drug deal gone bad
She was only passing by when it happened
But she saw things, she probably shouldn't had

So if you're ever passing by an oak tree
And underneath, you see a single rose
Remember what's beneath the scattered leaves
A secret, where a single flower grows

She lays in her death bed
As tears fill her eyes
Stricken with cancer
She's now paralyzed

She asks for her husband
To sit by her side
He kneels down to comfort
His bedridden bride

She says she'd give anything
Just to have one more chance
To know what it feels like
To dance

He turns on the raido
And takes her by the hand
He holds her in his arms
For she can no longer stand

As the music is playing
He carries her high
Her feet off the floor
She can almost fly

Her eyes begin closing
As they spin round and round
She fills like a princess
Who's missing her crown

She's smiling and crying
In her euphoric trance
She knows what it feels like
To dance

A child of abuse
Since she was three years old
She's lost in the darkness
Silent and cold

Aware of her surroundings
Unable to speak
A child full of life
Now, humble and meek

Abandonded at birth
Given to a stranger
No one to protect her
From the imminent danger

Her tears never heard
In silence she wept
Never telling anyone
Of the secrets she's kept

Her dreams now forgotten
At the tender age of ten
Afraid of the dark
Her nightmares begin

Where is the hero
To rescue this child?
Lost and broken
Her innocence defiled

In a small glass container
She catches her tears
Proof of her torment
Her silent years

She writes the words so carefully
Making sure they rhyme
Her poem is simply a work of art
She patiently takes her time

She tells the story of a dragon
And how his wings unfurled
A magical place beyond the clouds
In some far and distant world

She writes about the dragon's heart
And the place from whence he came
She writes about his breath of fire
And the power of his mighty flame

She pauses a moment, to gather her thoughts
As inspiration guides her hand
She writes about a golden lake
In this forsaken fairytale land

A land that's filled with shadows
With danger around every turn
Her dragon seeks his victims out
With another village to burn

Then she writes her hero's entrance
A knight with a golden lance
He enters on his stallion of white
For he is their only chance

Her dragon attacks with a vengance
To deliver her knight his pain
But his lance had flew straight and true
And the poet's dragon was slain

She smiles as she turns the page
And basks in her dragon's defeat
Her work of art now sealed with a kiss
Is one she hopes to repeat

Sorrow only hangs her head
While walking to the floor
Pride wants all the attention
While Greed keeps seeking more

Shame hides behind the curtains
While Anger demands his way
Fear is too afraid to dance
Impatience just wouldn't stay

Joy was dancing all over the place
While Lust's heart began to burn
Love just watched with stars in her eyes
While Patience was waiting his turn

Confusion didn't know what to do
While Surprise was doing the twist
Shock was so appaled of it all
While Temptation just couldn't resist

The Broken Hearts just sit and cried
While Doubt didn't believe it was real
Now you've seen the dance of emotions
So tell me, how do you feel?

Her tears fade the paper
As the ink begins to run
She'll find no peace inside her
Until her work is done

Her emotions hold her captive
As she writes with all her might
She struggles with her passion
Til late into the night

She has to tell her story
As she brushes away the stains
The poet keeps on writing
As her teardrops fall like rain

A heart that's once been broken
Will guide her skillful hand
She's writing from her emptyness
Hoping all will understand

She writes until she's hollow
Or her heartache finally relents
Her tears become her poetry
Each time the poet laments

I've tried to make a list
Of the seven deadly sins
Now pay very close attention
To where this list begins

The number one sin
Much worse than them all
Is never marry a woman
Til you meet your mother-in-law

The number two sin
Is almost just as bad
Never say, "Who's the father?"
When you become a dad

The number three sin
Is probably very well known
Never forget your magazine
When going to the throne

The number four sin
Unless you've hidden the bat
Never tell your wife
She might be getting fat

The number five sin
When it's time to watch the super bowl
Never let your chick flick wife
Get the remote control

The number six sin
And this one I'll repeat
Before you leave the bathroom
Put down the toliet seat

The number seven sin
Last but certainly not least
Never tell you wife
Your paycheck has increased

If you commit just one of these
Not only will you fail
But life is over as you know it
For she'll make your life pure, well, ( you know )

Has anyone seen my mojo
I think it ran away
I just can't find it anywhere
I've looked for it all day

I even looked in under the couch
Where my shoes will sometimes hide
And when I told my wife it's gone
Well, she broke down and cried

I looked behind the refrigerator
It's been there once ot twice
I've even found it a couple of times
Just chillin' with the ice

I looked behind the microwave
Cause my mojo's really hot
I thought that it would surely be there
But I'm sorry to say it's not

I looked behind the recliner
Cause that's it's favorite chair
But once again, to my dismay
It simply wasn't there

I went into the bedroom
And looked in under the bed
Nope, it's not under there either
So I stood and scratched my head

I even called 911
And told them of my pain
They told me not to call again
And said that I'm insane

So if anyone finds my mojo
Please send it back or call
Cause a man without his mojo
Is barely a man at all

I peer into the this place called pain
That lies within my heart
A place that's riddled with endless holes
Like scars from an assassin's dart

A place that's filled with hollow dreams
That ends in desolation
Where darkness overtakes the birth of light
Void, of illumination

A loneliness full of shattered hopes
A barren and empty shell
An eternal tomb of wretched screams
A place that I call hell

An endless maze that leads nowhere
A deep and forgotten stain
A shallow grave of tortured souls
This place that I call pain

Repetitious literature
Keeps flowing thru my mind
But somehow the words still seem
Just impossible to find

I'll write untill my fingers bleed
Blood, my ink of choice
But when a poet's lost his words
He's also lost his voice

Inspiration, has forsaken me
It leaves me barren and waste
Nothing more than an empty shell
I dare not write in haste

Overtaken by emotion
My mind betrays my heart
Like two ships that pass in the night
That keeps drifting further apart

Without my inspiration
The words come out all wrong
It's the music that keeps me writing
To sing the poet's song

Did I mention that I'm scared of heights?
Well, I guess I probably just did
See, that's the reason my step ladder
Well, my wife, makes sure it's hid

Now I can climb anything at all
But my problem is coming back down
Even if I'm standing on a step stool
It feels like twenty feet from the ground

Now, I'm also a little claustrophobic
Okay, maybe, I am a lot
I feel like the walls are closing in
Even tho, I know that they're not

I also have a touch of arachnophobia
A fear of spiders, not ants
Cause everytime I see one, I scream
And it causes me to wet my pants

Okay, stop laughing, that's not funny
Cause I'm a little bit scared of humor
See, I used to play practical jokes
Til they told me it would cause a tumor

You've heard, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself?"
You guessed it, I'm scared of being scared
Now, you better stop makin' fun of me
Don't make me regeret that I shared

You already know what scares me the most
Yep, it's my mother-in-law
The most hideous creature to walk the earth
By far, the scariest of all

Okay, I'm scared to end this poem
What if I can't think of anything else to write?
LOL, I know you know that I'm kidding
Everyone knows me by now, tho, Right?

No more than a ripple in time
We just keep marching on
No one left to guide us
We face this world alone

Lost without direction
We stumble into the night
Our souls reject the darkness
Ever reaching for the light

March on now weary traveler
For another day will dawn
Not knowing what tomorrow holds
Or what secrets it will spawn

If ever you see a stranger
Cross this forsaken place
Take his hand and guide him
For he too might finish this race

A dismal maze of uncertainty
Lies within our path
Our choices will determine
Is it life or is it Wrath?

How many beats does a heart have?
How many breaths can we take?
How many times can we open our eyes
Before something begins to break

Who has all these answers?
No one here on earth
Our lives become a mystery
From the moment of our birth

Each day that we get older
Is one day closer to death
The angel of death is counting
The numbers until our last breath

The things that we take for granted
Are the things that we need to live
How much blood can our bodies lose
Before it has no more to give

Not that any of this matters
For it's out of our control
When it's time to say goodbye
None will ever know

I am the honest poet
Okay maybe I'm not
I probably lie a little
Okay maybe I lie a lot

I mean does it really matter
If what I say is true?
It shouldn't matter at all
If I'm not talking to you

I often even lie to myself
I can't believe a word I say
I'm not very trustworthy
Maybe it's better that way

I lie and say I'm joking
Tho it was really a lie
Try and figure that on out
If you really wanna try

I'm not really a liar
See, I lied once more
No, I'm only kidding
Remember what I said before?

Okay, I guess I'll end this poem
Or maybe I might be lying
Okay I'm doin' the best I can
Okay, I'm not, but I'm trying

Thou shall not plagiarize other people's work
The first commandment for a poet
It's a shame that some people do it
While others simply don't know it

A poem doesn't always have to rhyme
The second commandment we must obey
But some people choose not to listen
Regardless of what others might say

A poem can be about anything you want
The third commandment sends some people reeling
They think it can't be a poem at all
Unless it's something to do with our feelings

Thou shall not criticize others unjustly
The fourth commandment we must adhere
They don't need their creation destroyed
It's constructive critisim they want to here

A poem can be any length you choose
The fifth commandment we all must follow
For if they were all made the same
It would surely be hollow

The vocabulary is strictly up to the poet
The sixth commandment is the poet's choice
He alone can decide the words to use
That will best give him his voice

Inspiration can come from anywhere we like
The seventh commandment we all hold true
Everyone has their writer's block moments
So whatever helps us get through

The poet can write any form they want
The eighth commandment is a must
The poet knows the style they like best
And their choices we're obliged to trust

Poetry is all a matter of taste
The ninth commandment is just like the rest
The reader must choose what's dear to his heart
And the poems that he likes the best

Never alienate your readers
The tenth commandment speaks for itself
Cause if you act like you're better than them
Your books will stay on the shelf

He drove her to the mountain top
Cause they wanted to be alone
They agreed before they left
That neither, would bring a phone

They were Romeo and Juliet
That's how they saw their love
For her parents had forbidden it
And it was never to be spoken of

She's sixteen, he's twenty-four
They said he was just too old
She blames herself for telling his age
For she knew she shouldn't have told

"What will we do?", she asked him
He told her it would be alright
She said, "We'll just have to make them listen"
As she stared, into the night

"We have to have a plan" she said
"We'll just runaway from home"
He said, "They'll just only look for us,
And they'll never leave us alone"

He leans across to kiss her
As he puts the car in gear
She screams No, as he presses the gas
Over the mountain, they disappear

They found them, three days later
Their bodies, still in the car
They said it was an accident
That he'd probably just driven too far

No marks were found on their bodies
But no one will ever forget
The bizarre accident, that took the lives
Of Romeo and Juliet

He gives her a pink carnation
It's the first prom she'll ever attend
She's waited so long for this moment
So she can't wait for it to begin

Her daddy says, "Have her back by midnight"
He says, "Yes sir", as he opens her door
When she sits down, he pulls from the driveway
As the bottle rolls out in the floor

She says, "I didn't think we were drinking"
As he held the bottle to his lips
She says, "Stop it, what are you thinking?"
He says, "Come on just take a couple sips"

She promised her dad that she wouldn't
And she always tried keep her word
The sound of a car horn blowing
Was that last sound that she ever heard

The ran off the road, down the embankment
And Into the side of a tree
She didn't know that he'd already been drinking
And was as drunk as he could possibly be

He gives her a pink carnation
It's the first prom she'll ever attend
She's waited so long for this moment
So she can't wait for it to begin

I woke up on Christmas Eve
It was late, in the middle of the night
When I saw him under the Christmas tree
He give me such a terrible fright

I thought it was a cat burglar or something
Who was trying to steal from me
And I had a 52 inch color television
Under that Christmas tree

So I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could
To try to find me a kinife
But I just couldn't find one anywhere
Remind me to have a talk with my wife

Anyway, I grabbed up the toaster behind the bread
That was sitting on the cabinet shelf
I snuck up behind him, like a ninja in sneakers
And was planning on killing that elf

Of course I didn't know it, at the time it occurred
That the fat man, was old Santa Claus
It wouldn't have mattered to me at the time
Cause he touched my remote with his paws

I almost had him, when I heard this sound
That was coming from my very own kitchen
It was, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, *****
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen

Those eight tiny reindeer had attacked me
I had hoofprints all over my head
And that's when the fat man in the big red suit
Turned around to me and he said

"I'm just gonna borrow your color tv,
So I can watch the football game"
"The one in my workshop is only 19 inches.
And it's just really too small and lame"

Before I could tell him to forget it buddy
I heard the sound of him slamming my door
Those eight bully reindeer had wrapped me in tinsel
And left me helpless on the livingroom floor

Well, that was the last time I saw him
And my tv was never returned
So make sure you hide your color tv's
Take it from someone who's learned

A runaway from the age of fourteen
For three long years she's been alone
One bad decision after another
Has forced her to make it on her own

Wise to the ways of the world
Still, a piece of her is missing
Homesick for what she left behind
A memory, she just keeps dismissing

A little sister, waiting at home
She hasn't seen now in years
The thought of never seeing her again
Suddenly brings her to tears

She had to leave, she had no choice
For she was pregnant, with her first child
Her father just wouldn't understand
A daughter who had been defiled

She couldn't survive with a baby
So she had to give it away
Adopted to a loving family
She hopes to see him someday

She sells all of her belongings
For a ticket to go back home
She's a little apprehensive
For it's the first time she's ever flown

She just can't wait to see her sister
And tell her she's okay
It was time for the plane to leave
She'd be home that very day

Thirty thousand feet in the air
Out her window, she sees a flash
The pilot comes over the intercom
"Buckle your seatbelts, we're going to crash"

She bows her head and says a prayer
As the tears fill up her eyes
The plane comes down in the middle of a forest
Everybody dies

My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and ***** his thumb
And he poops a lot and such

A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin

He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"

He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can

I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared

So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled

Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner

Well, I've never been accused
Of ever being too bright
I don't have to think too much
Cause my wife is always right

Even on my wedding day
Before I could say I do
My wife done said, "You Better"
So, I kinda thought so too

Now I never make decisions
Ain't that right dear?
See?, what'd I tell you?
Did everybody hear?

Now, my wife says, I'm not henpecked
If that's what your thinkin'
And, no, there's no chain around my ankle
So, just ignore the clinkin'

She says, if I will make the money
Then she'll make sure it's spent
The only money I ever keep
Is what I have to pay her for rent

Now, I know ya'll think I'm stupid
Well, that just simply isn't true
My wife says I'm a genius
With a perfect ten I.Q.

Now, my wife is the one with the brains
She tells me so, all the time
I know that she loves me too
Cause, she tells me, I'm one of a kind

Well, she says it's time to end this poem
So I guess I better go
And I still know what you're thinking
It's not because she told me so

My mother-in-law is a zombie
I'm sure that woman is dead
I tried to drive a stake thru her heart
And even cut off her head

But she's just way to sneaky
She always knows I'm around
Cause everytime I try to **** it
She says, "Can I get you to drive me to town?"

And let me tell you about the odor
It can make a grown man cry
Her perfume is, "ode de la zombie"
You know, embalming fluid, after you die

She walks around, in the middle of the night
Trying, to make me her slave
"Will you get me this, will you get me that"
I even dug that woman a grave

Zombies also have real bad breath
It smells like ***** socks
And they don't have a tooth in their head
You'd think they been chewing rocks

Now, not all mother-in-laws are zombies
I think it's probably just mine
And I don't think they ever die
Cause mine's been around a long time

Sometimes she just sits amd stares at me
I mean, can you imagine anything worse?
Then she mumbles some kinda mumbo jumbo
Like some kind of voodoo curse

I've been feeling kinda strange of late
Sometimes, it's hard to think
She probably cast some kinda spell on me
That's causing my head to shrink

Well, that's all I can tell you for now
I've got another grave to dig
I gotta hurry before my head keeps shrinkin'
Cause my hat's already too big

For several days her daughter would say
The angels said, "Don't be afraid"
Her mother simply dismissed it
Like it was a childhood game she played

But soon she started to worry
For the little girl kept telling this tale
She also said she talked to Jesus
And she described it in such detail

She told her mother that Jesus said
Tomorrow, He's taking her home
The little girl was only three years old
These things, she couldn't have known

Her mother was just a little concerned
For each day it was always the same
Was it just a little girl's imagination?
She was sure it was a childhood game

Well tomorrow came and all was fine
And her daughter never uttered a sound
So she fiiled up the pool, only eight inches deep
And that's where, her little girl drowned

Now, this story is true, every single word
For it happened to some friends of mine
This story took place many years ago
And their grief grew more distant in time

But I just couldn't imagine, the pain that they felt
As they remember what their daughter would say
The Angels would tell her, "Don't be afraid"
And that Jesus would take her away

There's nothing funny about flatuence
My wife has it all the time
Course she always blames it on me
And I'll always say, yes dear, it's mine

The worst time, is on those cold nights
With the covers pulled over my head
The sweet aroma of, "What in the world was that?"
It drives me right out of my bed

Now I'm not saying that it's stinky
Okay, yes I am
I even got her beano for Christmas
Well, cause, I'm just that kind of man

Now see, everytime that it happens
Her and my dog, point at each other
Then the dog puts a pillow over his face
Til I think he will surely smother

(Whispers) Wait just a minute, my wife walked in
I can't let her see what I'm writing
Cause if she knows that I told you
Then the rest of the night we'll be fighting

Okay, she's gone, anyway she's stinky
Flatuence, has got to be a sin
For there's always something evil
That seeping out of her rear end

Now, I have literally tried everything
And I don't know what else to do
I love her, so I guess I'll accept it
While holding my nose and saying "Shoo"

Here is a riddle to figure out
Try to read between the lines
I'll give you clues throughout the poem
That will only be written in rhymes

I'm always seen at Christmas
Some people think I'm great
I'm known for peeking your interest
But I'll always make you wait

The day before your wedding
And I'm never far away
You just can't wait till it gets here
But I'll make it your longest day

I'm always at the hospital
When all the children are born
And the night they're saying trick or treat
As all the costumes are worn

Well, have you figured it out yet?
Can you tell me who I am?
For I've given you all the possible clues
That I absolutely can

For some people I've even been known
To give a slight tingling sensation
I know you can't wait for the answer
For I'm simply, anticipation

He never asked for anything
When they nailed Him to the cross
To pay the price for all human kind
For, He alone, could pay the cost

The Maker of the moon and stars
In the Heavens up above
Would show us all the meaning
Of this word that we call love

All alone, and deserted
Not once did ever He falter
All our sins are wiped away
When we meet Him at the altar

The Maker of all the rivers and seas
There were none before Him, He was the First
The creator of all the waters
But yet, He said, "I thirst"

She wakes up in the hospital
She don't remember where she's at
Her husband sits beside her
She asks the nurses, "Who's that?"

They tell her he's her husband
But she jerks her hand away
His eyes well up with tears
For he knew not what to say

Married for almost fifteen years
She couldn't remember his name
"She has amnesia" the doctor said
"And she may never be the same"

"I love you", her husband says
As she stares out into space
She answers, "I'm sorry I don't know you"
With no expression on her face

"You were in an accident" her husband says,
"It's a miracle that you even survived"
"You died on the way to the hospital,
But they finally got you revived"

"I don't know you," she says once more
This was too much for him to believe
When the woman started to get upset
So they quietly asked him to leave

She never recovered and filed for divorce
And started a brand new life
Her husband still waits, for her memory to return
Though now she's another man's wife

Raised by her grandparents in the 1800's
Her parents were the **** of the earth
The terrors she'd faced were nightmares
A prisoner since the day of her birth

They lived in a place called Middle Creek
No one would ever come around
Nobody even knew she existed
For they never took her to town

Even the neighbors knew nothing of her
For the girl had never been seen
The broken-down shack they lived in
Would somehow muffle her screams

By now, she was only twelve years old
The object of her grandfather's abuse
He tied her in the cellar each night
As she begged him to turn her loose

Night after night, her screams went unheard
As she wallowed in utter despair
Why would no one come help her?
Was it because they just didn't care?

He beat her and ***** her day after day
Til she simply couldn't take no more
Then one day, she lay motionless
Lifeless, on the floor

Legend has it her blood is still there
Right where the little girl died
To hide her body, for no one would see
He covered her, with red seal lye

You can see her today, at least her ghost
As she runs through her grandfather's field
With her grandfather not too far behind
Chasing the one that he killed

Well, when I started getting older
I decided to set out on a quest
I was gonna find that Fountain of Youth
Or, at least, I'd try my best

I stumbled across this forgotten village
Where only young people live
That's when I knew I'd found it
I was almost positive

I saw this beautiful stone fountain
Standing in the middle of the square
My journey was finally over
As I slowly walked over there

They had a tarnished silver dipper
That was hanging on a nail
Beside it was a old wooden bucket
And then, a golden pail

As I was reaching for the dipper
This little boy appeared
He said, "Careful you choose correctly"
And he suddenly disappeared

Now, I didn't know which one to choose
The wooden bucket or pail of gold
So I decided to drink a little of both
At least, I wouldn't grow old

And then a couple of hours later
I noticed, I wasn't looking too young
Then that little boy came back and said,
"Do you know what you have done?"

I answered, "Yes I do" before I thought
Though I really wanted to lie
I just couldn't make mysef do it
No matter how hard I'd try

"You have cheated," the little boy said
"Now you'll never find your youth
For by tasting both you've deceived yourself
And it became the Fountain of Truth?

So, needless to say, I really messed up
And I'm cursed for the rest of my life
Cause it doesn't matter how hard I try
I can never tell a lie to my wife

They'll be no more late night poker games
Or a night on the town with the guys
I've changed my name to honest Abe
For I can't tell no more lies

Now, the reason I wrote this story
Is, well, I really can't tell you why
I was gonna make a reason up
But, remember? I just can't tell a lie

I just can't escape my fate
I guess I was born to write
I've joined the realm of rattling chains...( applies oil to chains )
And things that go bump in the night...( bump! )

A different dimension is now my home
And I can even walk through walls...( see? )
I'm cursed to write these funny poems
While walking and haunting your halls... ( trips over chair )

Now, I don't wear a sheet on my head... ( place ghostly moaning sound here )
That's simply not who I am... ( rattles chains! )
I'm something like an apparition
For I'm no longer a man

I dare you to read my poems
As I beckon from the grave... ( boo )
I'll poison you with my funny lines
Til you brains I shall enslave... ( coughs )

I've now become the Ghost Writer
The one you knew has vanished...( Where'd I go? )
So I'll haunt you with my ghostly verse
Til one day I'm finally banished...( The End )

Well, I tried the paper cut
Like Dr. Kevorkian said
But the band-aid stopped the bleeding
It didn't work, I'm still not dead

I just couldn't do it
The paper didn't cause my death
So now I've resorted to other measures
I'm typing this, while holding my breath

Well, I held my breath
Until my whole head turned blue
I woke up on the floor
Now, what do I do?

There is one more thing
But I'd hate to die like this
For I know it would **** me
To give my mother-in-law a kiss

My wife just told me
That it's time to eat some beans
So I'll eat me some and light a match
For it will ******* to smithereens

Well, to start off with
The title doesn't make any sense
It's either way too long or just too short
And there just wasn't  enough suspence

You forgot to capitalize your letters
You better keep an eye on the flow
You're telling the story way too fast
Or, I'm sorry, it was a little too slow

Your spelling is just simply awful
A little punctuation would be nice
The words you use are too simple
You're saying the same thing twice

You don't even know what a syllable count is
I don't know what you're trying to say
There just isn't enough emotion
It shouldn't have ended that way

Your rhymes are too repetitious
There's simply no rhyming at all
You really need to practice your typing
Your font is always too small

You really need to start all over
I'm sorry, this one had me snoring
You must be haunted by writer's block
I find it a little too boring

I guess everyone has their critics
It seems like they're always annoyed
But our poems aren't written to please them
They're written to be enjoyed