Well, I tried the paper cut
Like Dr. Kevorkian said
But the band-aid stopped the bleeding
It didn't work, I'm still not dead

I just couldn't do it
The paper didn't cause my death
So now I've resorted to other measures
I'm typing this, while holding my breath

Well, I held my breath
Until my whole head turned blue
I woke up on the floor
Now, what do I do?

There is one more thing
But I'd hate to die like this
For I know it would **** me
To give my mother-in-law a kiss

My wife just told me
That it's time to eat some beans
So I'll eat me some and light a match
For it will ******* to smithereens