Why does christmas eve
Always feel so heavy
Why do I always feel like I'm waiting
For the shoe to drop because
Christmas was never about your kid
It was about the women
Who'd ruin it

Tie me a tournaiquet
Around my heart
Before you stab me in the back
Maybe then I won't fall so hard
Bleeding out in your hands
It feels like I've neglected my blood
Forgotten about the body it ran through
**** trying to save you
While I bleed out on your shoe
So tie me a tourniquet
Around my heart
Before you stab me in back

I don't want to die
So glad I could never take it myself
But why does it sound so peaceful
six feet deep
Surrounded by earth and worms
My lungs collapsing as they eat
My lips never parting for another breath
Instead being parted by deep tree roots
Stealing the life I never had
They'd probably be more useful then I

I don't hate christmas
I don't want people confused
But when this time of year
Feels so bitter sweet
When it brings up
so many hard memories
How do I show you I don't hate christmas
When my cheeks are tear soaked
When I'm still trapped in a room
With my father's fist going in the drywall
Feeling the way it vibrated next to my face while he screamed
Look what you make me do
Like I'm the reason
he never controlled himself
I promise I don't hate christmas
But I can tell you it's been hard not to

I wish this time
Didn't feel like a memory
Like your hours of lectures
Because I'd never be good enough
Never be thankful enough
But what could I tell you
How could I thank you
When you provided the bare minimum
And used gifts as manipulation
Just to take them away before they derived any joy
How could the isolated child
That never asked for you
To take your trauma out on them
To be thankful

I no longer pray
A whisper in the night
A conversation alone with the moon
A lunar mother I come begging for advice
Like maybe she can give me answers
Like somehow asking her would answer
Why we dance in this eternal ball
Why we must hurt if we have a savior

I no longer pray
A shout so much frustration
It sizzles off my tongue
I can't help but feel hate
For some one who watches
And prays on our weak
With promises of salvation
That turn into money hunger

I no longer pray
I'm tired on waiting for change
Following books and rules
When they can't even keep me safe
When they can't even bring solice to my pain
Why would I pray when nobody ever answers

One day,
when I'm six feet in the ground
And my body becomes bug food
And my bones become bug food
And my brain becomes big food
I hope with every bite
they catch glimpses of you
In every bit they are shown our smiles
They are shown our laughs
I hope there privy to our hours of conversation
I hope they get visions of you kissing me
The way we held eachother
Even when the others fire burnt us
I hope there senses are over run
The way your smile made mine
I hope they hear you
calling my name in the moonlight
The way words sounded like poetry coming from your lips
I hope there minds are full
Of my memories with you
Because even in death
We will never be apart

You screamed that i take up to much space
Half an inch from my face
Even while i slumped in the corner of the room
Because we all knew there was no escaping you
No escaping the drink
The nights youd go to far push me to hard

You said i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
And i just cant shake those words from my brain
On repeat over and over
Like a song i cant stop replaying
Your voice made me shake in the worst ways

You screamed i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
Because i ment nothing to you
The space that i took would just get in your way
so youd scream
Like if i didnt enable it the end was on me

My sadness is a fire
I built it to keep warm
I built it to protect me
I built to keep my sanity behind

My sadness is a fire
I fed it till it crept into the sky
I fed it till it chased every soul away
I fed it till I burned myself pushing you away

My sadness is a fire
But I built it higher
And so it became my cage I stay away from you
so I don't catch you in my flames

maybe you chose me based on the convenience
but i wouldnt have given you a second look
had i known the way we wouldve ended
i never wouldve chose you
i wish someone had written me a summary
because i had no idea
i had never seen the signs
i was to young to know any better then your hand
smacks so hard they couldve cut paper
bruises sprinkling my cheeks
yet you still called it pretty
like the bruises you left on me were just your prize

i can still feel the bite
the influence you had on me
i hear it everytime i ask permission
to do things i know he wont care about
like im still your obedient puppy
my head still so full
you broke me down
until i didnt even recognize any of my characteristics
i wonder if in another place at another time
somehow your soul was licensed to torture mine
like a sick contract with the devil
because even when ive left you
left your town
even left your friends
i still see you pop up in every store
staring pretending you didnt become
the most hateful person ive  ever met

ive been working on my karma
trying to out run you
everyday is so much work
to be a better person than you raised

cause ive been working on breaking cycles
trying to escape your circles
i refuse to give light to the trauma you caused
i wont pass it to my next generation

your screams
more blood curdling
than the sound of your beer bottles
smashing agaisnt the wall
even when there right next to my head
even as the cuts brush my cheeks
you take me down
every word poison
ment to **** me just a little more
but in the end
while your destroying my life
your bringing yourself down faster
so really in the end
we both lose

im not stable
baby im 18
i keep checking on you
but dont forget you are supposed to check on me
when every other word out of your mouth
is how stressed you are
but im the one who has nothing
im the one who just lost everything
and with my wounds still open
i had to deal with ones you didnt bother closing
now mine are infected
and i forgot how to heal

Your trauma made you stronger
You can tell me that all you want
But that didn’t make me stronger
It gave me sleepless nights
It left me in tears
I made me stronger
Because I had to deal with the consequences
That weren’t even my fault
I did that
Don’t give trauma any credit
For my strength

Dear someone
Why do I open my doors
Let you take over my world
Occupy my mind
Let you take over my world
Even though I know
You’ll leave me in the end

I wasnt kidding when I said I love you
I meant it with all my heart
All my soul
With all of me
you are my world
don't pretend not to see
how happy I am
how in love I am
how much I want to be with you
because I love you is hard
but with you it comes easy

wherever you may go
wherever you may be
I will stay with you
through any tribulation
through any fight
ill wait for you
ill stay up all night
because even if we scream at each other
fight like we don't want to be together
feel like we're crashing
I know we were meant to last
I know that you are my last
because my heart chases you
and wherever you may go

i can still remember the night
that you came home and you weren't sober
and you loving arms that excepted me
and where always there to comfort
turned in to fists that never wanted a daughter
and they beat me till i learned not to struggle

i can still remember the day
that you came home and you started drinking
and your loving eyes that welcomed me
and were always happy
turned into anger that should have never had a child
and bore wholes into me till I gave up

im a mess
im a wreck
im a broken toy

ive been discarded
been ******* up
been abused

but I'm still kind
I'm still happy
I'm still strong

your life begins
when you take flight on tattered wings
that cant get you very high
that cant fly you very far
but you just kept on pushing
kept on fighting
kept on soaring in the sky

and look at you know
your wings completely healed
a perfect bird that toured the world
because you never quit
and you fought through the hurt
and now your so perfect
and know your so happy

Trauma lights you on fire
Burns everything in its wake
Till every nerve is fried
Till every cell is on fire
It keeps you in your own personal cell
Where you have no company
Except for the thousand of thoughts
That keep taking hold
That refuse to let go
The question is
Do you let the fire burn you down
Or do you burn brighter like the Phoenix
And rise from your ashes

Shallow waters are loud
Whipping flowing
Screaming begging to be heard
Begging to be the center of attention
Like how you
Whip me with your words
Flowing from your mouth
Screaming at me begging to be heard
Begging to center of attention

While deep waters are quiet
Screaming in there silence
Begging to stay hidden
Like how I
Was always quiet
Screaming in silence to be loved
But knowing my need to be hidden
In a lot of ways we are like water

We are flowers with petals so beautiful
Each dyed with our past
Blood, abuse, fear, addiction
Each a different color each a different petal
Every trauma adding more beauty
For flowers teach themselves to bloom
Even after the harshest winters
And so have we

There is a house fire
But it’s dying down now
I escaped your grasp
Forgot the pain you put me through
Forgot the way he flames felt
Licking my cheeks
The third degree burn are finally healing
You don’t get to write my death time
Because my hearts still beating
These flames didn’t flat line me
Even though they should have
Even though you wanted them to
Except now I control the flames
Putting them out around me
So I guess it’s my turn to ask
What do you control?

It’s okay to not be perfect
I hear it almost daily
It’s okay to breath
But I carry this anxiety around with me
Like a backpack
It’s stuck to me it’s become a comfort
Like a friend I can always relay on to be there
And because of that
somehow it’s grown comforting
Because I can always count on my anxiety
To be there for me

I won’t say I hate you
Because no matter how much
I wish I never met you i don’t
But your love didn’t grow flowers
It built coffins
And I know it’s wrong of me
But I don’t forgive you
I can’t just forget how you
Burnt the house you called a home
to the ground
Was that just to excuse
all the pain you went through
I remember when you would start fights
Just to have the control to put tears in our eyes
Now there soaking through the floorboards
And I could always tell
When the liquor was to strong
I could see it in your eyes
I don’t think I can ever understand
what you did to me
Are you better now that I’m gone

When people are in love
It’s said there falling
Like maybe they tripped
On the uneven sidewalk
Face forward
And Into the arms of the one they love

I did more
then simply fall on the ground for you

You at least for me
Where like diving into and ocean
Headfirst
Jumping
Crashing
Almost painfully
Into the depths of you

I knew how to swim
At least I thought I did
But I am drowning
Entangled in you
And I am surrounded by you
And I love the feeling of you engulfing me

And I love the feeling of you
Flowing against my whole being
And I have never tried to reach land
And I never will
For if I where ever to find land
It would mean leaving you

And after submerging into the depths
The love
The passion
The happiness of you
How could I ever leave?

What doesn’t **** you makes you stronger
I’ve heard that said far to many times
But growing up in a house on fire
That doesn’t make you stronger
That leaves you with
third degree emotional burns
That manifest into unbridled chaos
I mean I can’t even light the stove top
I mean I can’t even taste cheep beer
Or smell cheep wine
Without the feeling of your fist
Colliding with my cheek bone
Without the feeling of purple bruises
Burning across my cheeks
You where the reason the house was lit on fire
Don’t try to tell me I’m stronger

It is the most wonderful feeling
To have someone kiss your wounds
Nurture your scars
And look at you not like your a disaster
Not like your the sum
Of all your mistakes
Of all your pain
And to love you even in your darkness
It is an amazing feeling
To know that you have a healer

You are a hand grenade
In the shape of a boy
Your kindness like an explosion
Turning our love explosive
You came into my life like a burst of fresh air
And somehow you pulled me in
Even as I worried the flames would burn me
Except your flames aren’t painful
Your flames are the most loving thing
I’ve ever felt
And as they swallow me burning around me
I fell so hard that I could finally see
why I loved you so much
It was because you where a hand grenade
In the shape of a boy

before you no one was worth setteling down
in my soul however i always wanted
someone who could capture my heart
and you are quite captivating
somehow you have captivated me
you have stolen my heart
i am completely wrapped around your fingers
i love you
and your captivating voice
and your captivating smile
and your captivating words
and your captivating soul
and i think to myself
perhaps we've captivated eachother

you light me up
some may even say that your my sun
even when you feel burnt out you still shine
you always find a way to light up my life
and there's no one else
like you

you light me up
some may say your the lightning running across the sky
but i know you stay longer than a flash
i know you'll be here for me to split my clouds
but you linger longer than just a strike
you know when i need you
to hold me tight
and there's no one else
like you

every piece of me
is called to you
even when i try not to let it be
you over flow my senses
you fil my head
i wish i knew how to tell you
that your my entire world

you set the bar
into the sky
how could i ever leave you
i dont want to be 30 something
and still in my head
thinking about 18 something
in a hotel room bed
talking about forever
wrapped up in your arms
you are my everything

you set the bar
in the stars
how could i ever want to leave you
i would rather be 30 something
holding our kids
telling them about 18 something
the love story we wrote
reading them every word and chapter
you will always be my everything

dont you ever let your mistakes
make you feel you aren't worthy
of my love
you are more deserving of me
than i am of you
you are the only one i will ever want
you are more worthy of my love
than any other person could ever be

you kiss me in the dark
but i can feel your smile
even as the evening grips the sky
in a way only god could paint it
lavender clouds filling our skies
you kiss me in the light
but i still feel your passion
even as the morning paints the sky
in a way only god could paint it
with pink clouds filling the skies

our love is just friendship lit on fire
when i see you
i fulfill my every desire
you build me up before i fall apart
your the first person
I've not been afraid to give my heart
you deserve the love
that i give to you
even if you don't agree
i know i argue
that's just my nature
your my only love
and the only one i will ever want

i love you like waves love the sand
because loving you is so much like being a grain of sand
and getting pulled in by the waves
like how you
pull me close and
draw me in
with your many wonders
so undiscovered so new
each time i discover more
i fall even harder
deeper into your depths
like the darkest parts of the ocean
never finding the bottom
but always finding more beauteous wonders
from the way your able to light the darkest places
like the jellyfish that shine in the midnight
you have my heart now
like the ocean has each of its creature
i need you
like each creature needs the oceans protection
i give you my heart forevermore
because i am constantly drowning in your waters
a grain of sand floating in your vastness

you make me smile
even though my body is betraying me
with the sounds of screams that arent real
and pain that isn't there

you make me smile
even though my body is betraying me
with memory i wish i didn't have
and flashes of color that arent there

thank you for making me smile
even when the tears stream down my face
because without you
i would have no one to give my love to

i let you scream at me at me
because i know its not at me
no its at the stage
its at the lights
its at the speakers
i just happen to be at the receiving end

i let you scream at me
being careful not to tell you about my week
careful not to tell you how i swallowed my tears
careful not to let you see the panic attacks
but they hurt
but there there
even though i let you yell at me

i break the ice
so they dont see how i break inside
i have to be kind
or they'll make fun of my size
i get told I'm to loud
and i have to keep busy
I'm sorry if i don't respond please don't forget me

i let them keep me around
so there flaws just seem silly
i say I'm okay
or they wont listen to what i need to say
i get told I'm not pretty
and i refuse to be to proud
I'm sorry if i think i sing well when you cant

i love you
not for what you have
but for how you make me feel
your the stuck i my head
your face replaying in the forefront of my memory
your smile stuck in my head

i love you
not for what you have
but for the warmth you bring me
your every touch
lighting my entire body on fire
you love sticking to my bones

she is the moon shining bright
but she is only bright thanks to him
for he must first exist for her to truly shine
he is not the sun
no he's far from that
his job is far more important than simply burning for her
he does burn for her in a different sense
for he is the darkness that surrounds her
holding her
loving her
making sure shes all the brighter in his arms

when i first met you
the world had beat me so far down
i was all the way at the bottom
id given up on climbing back out
then you saw me and excepted everything
even my past
now everything's brighter
i thank you for that

you said i love
you, i was your only one
and so we kissed recklessly
lett     ing   the   rain  so  ak
o        u         r       c      l    o
        th
        s
       an
       d
        ou
        r
   lo     ve
    fill us

all i do is think about you
and every little thing i love
like the way your eyes crinkle when you smile
like the way you look at me when I'm being annoying
like the way u can play any instrument you pick up
like how you brighten every room you walk in
just to list a few
i don't know how I'm the only girl inside your head
but I'm never going to let you get me out of it

feels like its been a thousand years
when I'm with you i was away my fears
i wish i could say it out loud
but i cant tell you how close
we've gotten in these past two months
because words cant explain my love for you
no simile could compare the way i love you
no exaggeration expresses enough
i love you with every cell in my body
I'm so proud of all you do
all you've been through
I'm so lucky you want me

he loves me to pieces
he reminds me every single day
I'm far from perfect
i wont ever pretend i am
but when i put my heart unprotected into your hands
that's how i feel
like even though I had to give you myself in shards
you glued my pieces back together
in just the right way to make me
perfect