Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
L Smida Dec 2012
Stick to your guns
If you don't
You're ******
L Smida Dec 2012
I'm so cold
I'm shivering
And my bones ache
My teeth chatter
I'm frozen here
Refreshing this page
As many times as I can
Fingers go numb first
And then my toes
Hoping to see your reply
To my simple but deep apology
But I already know that you won't
But I'm waiting here anyways
Hanging by a thin thread
Hoping for 2 and half words
An even simpler "it's okay"
And that right there would end it all
I'd feel complete
And civil
But no
You have to stir the crazy water all up
And let these emotions linger
I did my part
Now come on
I'm waiting here
For you to do yours
L Smida Dec 2012
I've never been selfish
Until I met you
You were mine
And I wanted you to be all mine
And when you left
All I could think about
Was how I felt
How I...
Me
Everything was about me
But now
I can honestly
Step back and look at the whole picture
And it's getting clearer
Took long enough
But it's not such a fuzzy blur anymore
And I've learned to accept that you are not mine anymore
And that you have a whole other life now
And I've learned to be happy for you
And I see now that I can't be selfish
I was the one ruining the process
I was getting in my own way
But I see it now
I see what you were trying to do
I see you with her
And I'm not mad
I don't feel anything
I'm just happy that you're happy
And I'm glad I finally found you in person to talk
I feel like we ended on a good note
No grudges
And I can honestly say
I feel better
I mean
We all get selfish
But you eventually have to open your eyes and see the full picture
What's better for everyone
It's hard
You get all caught up in how you feel because its right there in front of you
You're witnessing your own emotion right when they happen
You can't feel other people's emotions
So that thought comes second
And I'm sorry I made it so ******* you
I really am
I understand everything now
And if I could go back
I'd make it easier on you
I would
I'd try really hard not to be selfish
But lesson learned
And hopefully I can use my knowledge in the future
What's knowledge if you don't use it?
I wish I could send this to you in a letter but I'm afraid it won't mean anything now
L Smida Dec 2012
I felt like nobody else in the world mattered
We could've been in the most crowded places
And in my mind it would only be me and her
My mind wouldn't stray away
She held it so well
Our happiness together defeated everything around us
When I was with her I was purely happy
I felt something that I didn't even know existed
Everything was so equal
Same mutual feelings
Same desires
And I can't help but wonder
Will I ever find that again?
Break ups are usually never mutual tho, there's always the one person who wants to make everything work out. (Me)
L Smida Dec 2012
If I were a guy
Would it make life easier?
I often wonder..
More people would accept me
That's for sure
Because I wouldn't be a sin in people's eyes
I'd be able to flirt with any girl
Not just the gay ones
Because girls date guys
That's the normal thing as the majority goes
I could wear my baggy jeans
And cut off all my hair
And no one would stare at me
It would be normal
I would be normal
I'd fit in
If I were a guy
I wouldn't have to worry about the things I worry about now
I could get married
And have kids
I could just relax
More opportunities would open up
If I were a guy
All the stupid ******* would disappear
No more whispers going by
"Was that a boy or girl?"
And all I can think is
"***.. I'm human. Does my gender really matter that much to you?"
And why?!
Why should it even matter
You should treat me the same regardless
I'm a good person
Just because I'm a girl that dates girls
Doesn't mean you have the right to get up all in my business
So my heads ****** up
Deal with it
Just be glad it isn't happening to you
I mean,
Don't get me wrong
I'm proud to be gay
But some times it's hard
Like when ignorant people say we cant get married because we're the same ***
Now that bothers me
It doesn't make sense whatsoever
Love is love
That's the simple part
Why the hell are there even laws about the same *** not being able to get married in the first place
What's that have to do with anything
Who cares?
Like why is it a big deal
I've never figured it out
The government has much much more important things to do
Why do they waste their time making rules about what gays can and can't do?
People say God is the reason
But **** that
You go and cuss up storms
And say that God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and judge the **** out of every person that walks by
And you say that God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and cheat on your wives or husbands
And say God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and drink till you puke and get angry and beat on people
And you say God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and make all these mistakes
And you say God is the reason gays can't get married.
Like if you're gonna stick with God about that then stick with him for everything else
Don't be a **** and a hypocrite
Seriously, quit making up excuses
Let people live and quit worrying about everyone else
Because honestly you should be more worried about yourself
Anyways...
Who doesn't find girls attractive?
Come on
In all honesty
I don't want to be a guy though
Because that would be contradicting
It might make life easier
But it only leaves me wondering
How different it would be
Better or worse?
My head would probably still be ****** up
And I don't like wieners
And if I had a wiener
I'm not sure how I would feel about it
I'd probably want to have surgery to be a girl
So in all actuality
I don't really have a gender
I don't like being a girl
And I don't want to be a guy
What else is there
God probably didn't know what to make me
So he just went eeny meeny miny moe
And girl is what happened
You should see the differences in how people treat me
I've tested it
I'll dress girly one day
With make up on
And go walk around the mall
Smiling faces look but don't stare
People are nice to me
Polite
They say thanks and excuse me
People open doors for me
Or hold them open for me
But heaven for bid
Someone open a door for me when I have baggy jeans and a hoodie on
All hell would break loose
People don't smile at me
People stare with confused eyes
You can't see my cleavage so you're going to be a ****
Just straight up rude
I do not understand
I DO NOT!!
I don't like how this world works
There are too many stupid rules
There are too many people who **** things up
There are too many things that could be so simple
But too many people make everything more difficult than it should be
I wish things could be more relaxed
Everything is too up tight
Please don't comment.

When people ask me if I'm a boy or girl
I'm just going to start answering "IDK"
L Smida Dec 2012
I want to love again
But my heart is too cold
There is this girl
That I would love to hold

But my heart just won't work
For its been crushed to pieces
It lies in a pile of fear
And the pain only increases

I want to try to love again
But I haven't the motivation
Time just hasn't healed me yet
Because of the fabrication

I've been hiding from the truth
Which means I haven't quite admitted
So the healing process is slower
Because I haven't quite committed

I'm stuck in this sadness
And it hurts when I rush
My hearts the one failing
It's hers I don't wanna crush

Yes I like her
But I'm clearly not ready
With my emotions on edge
I'm just not steady

So I have to let this one go
Because she needs someone strong
I really want to sweep her away
But this timing is so wrong
Cleaning out my notes... This is crap
L Smida Dec 2012
Here I go again
Causing trouble everywhere I go
She wants to kiss me
She even told me so

I don't know what it is
The way she smiles lights my heart
I'll walk around searching each isle
Because she works at Walmart

I'll go just to say hi
Because its so worth her hugs
The elephant she stole for me
I use it to **** bugs

In a weird way she protects me
From all the scary things
Her way of accepting me
Confidence it brings

I have this feeling
That we could be really great
But I still have these doubts
I have a fear in fate

But then again I think
Why not try and have fun
See where it goes
But she does have a son

That worries me a little
Because he probably won't like me
I'm different than all the others
So it would be harder times three (x3)

I'd say that I'm okay with kids
Because I act like one still
I'm really easy to play with
Because I might have some skill

Name any sport
And I'll play you a game
I will make it fun
So don't worry about shame

That's all it's about
Having a good time
Leave the tempers out
That's what makes it prime

Let me get back on track here
I kinda lost my mind
Oh yea! she's really great
But please let me rewind

The first time I saw her
I wasn't sure at all
But now I'm sure
And I can't help but fall

I'm not sure where I'm falling
Or if its me she's aiming to catch
Hopefully I won't hit the ground
Cause that'll leave an ugly scratch

So I'm preparing myself for either way
I'm debating whether I'll end up on top
She seems really into me
But there's always that chance her heart will drop

It's not like I'm the only one trying
And I'm not one for competing
It's either you want me or not
But It's your heart that needs completing

It's all up to you
And I hope you wisely choose
If that choice is me
Then I'll instantly be enthused
I wrote this a while ago. I found it in my notes
Next page