This is my theory
When I was in the womb
What ever genes
Work together to
Decide on your gender
Got all ****** up
In other words
God didn't know
Whether to make me
A boy or a girl
He must've flipped a coin
Because ****
I came out a girl
But I have a brain of a boy
I guess it's his
Way of playing games
He creates different situations
And watches down below at them
As they struggle along
But this is my theory
On a bunch of things
My wires are just crossed
That's all
And this creates some problems
But I don't think they're major
Not anymore
He just likes to sit up there
And watch us all
Fight
Argue
Sin
****
I wonder what he's doing up there as he watches what he made
Does he have a sickening smile on his lips
Or does he shake his head at how dramatic we humans are

*******
It's a ******* green light
If you aren't going to take the right away
Then I'll happily take it for you
And I'll leave you a clear "*******"out my window
And possibly a nasty comment
Driving isn't hard
And if you're too old that you have a 5 hour reaction delay
Then don't ******* drive
Come on!

Since when was I so **** serious?!
I've been trying to change for you
That I've lost my best features
I've forgotten how to joke around
But today I found myself
Shook hands and reunited
And it feels so ******* good
I made jokes about everything
I found myself out of my quiet shell
I'm back to my old self
Not being able to take anything I do seriously
Laughing at myself is my favorite thing to do
Being a ******* goofball
That's what I am
And it just feels so **** good
Come on...
Being serious is no ******* fun at all
So from now on
I will never change for anyone
Because when I'm not me
I don't know who I am
Or who I'm trying to be
And it feels so wrong
That's probably why nothing has ever worked out for me before
Cause I'm a ******* idiot

I stood behind you
And spoke your name
Around you turn
To look at me
With eyes wide open
It took you two moments to realize it was me
That's how long it has been
I want to fix that
I want you to know me
I take a step toward you
A smile grows on your face
A generous hug your arms give me
And we take a walk out to the night
Before I head my way back home
You take the risk that I was scared to take
And kissed me right on my lips
Warm
Is how I would describe it
It felt so right
But this is only a dream
Rolling over
Under the covers
I find a smile
And it feels good

I've been here for 20 years
And this world is still so hard to understand
I've come to realize though
That I will never ever understand
Because not everything has answers
I've beaten myself up trying to figure it all out
But when the answer simply isn't there
I've learned to nod my head and walk away
Creating a new mind set
To get as much experience as possible
Without any understanding
Because I don't think anyone understands
So live without reason
Act without understanding
And smile not knowing why

Welp, I guess that's all I needed
Just to get out and talk to someone
Idk why I push myself so far into a corner
When it's so easy to just get someone to talk to
Even if its little conversations that don't go anywhere
But when I can find someone who's really going to listen and pay attention
That's when I can get all my admitting out
And finally face my problems
Because I'm not alone
Words make the thoughts real
Writing it all down helps but it's not enough for me apparently
I need to learn how to talk about things
I need to learn that there are people that care about me
Even if the head count is only three
They don't mind listening to me talk
And thats where I get myself
People want to hear me
The whole "company" thing is what everyone needs
At least sometimes
I can't just be alone
I can't do it
I need the comfort of someone else's presence
Even if we're quiet and not doing anything
If we're in the same room doing different things
Just KNOWING that someone is there
That's what I need
And if talking to that person is easy
Then I'm set
Someone to just be like "Hi"
And start something
For some reason it's impossible for me to start a conversation
I don't know why I'm so ******* myself
I don't know why I shut myself off from the world
I don't know why I beat myself up so badly
It could be so easy
But I'm so stubborn

I'm quiet
Oh so quiet
And you all wonder why
I'm quiet because I'm broken
I'm quiet because of my thoughts
I'm quiet because I'm weak
But it's my choice to stay quiet
I don't like it
But trust me
You don't want to hear what I have to say
You don't want to hear my stories
I'm sad
I'm sensitive to everything
I'm a mess
You just don't know it yet
And you won't ever know
I've been through a lot
And I think that last blow to my heart was the last straw
Because I feel so completely different now
I don't want to try
I've never been this scared to try again
Fear and anger drown me
I'm left here terrified to reach out to anyone
If you only knew
The things I've been told
The things that have been said to me
By the ones I care about most
It haunts me
I'm honestly scared
Because I can't get hurt like that again
I won't make it
I already have doubt about making it through this one
And the thing is
I don't know what I have to do to make people see
To make people stay
I can be a good person
I am a good person
You just have to get past my wall
Trust isn't easy with me anymore
I always end up getting ****** over by the ones I thought I could trust
And when that happens enough times
You become quiet
When your trust is betrayed
Your doubting starts
Confidence levels drop
So
I'm sorry I don't fit in with any of your high energy level happiness
I'm sorry I'd rather listen than speak
I'm sorry I'd rather mind my own business than deal with pointless drama
But when you do gain my trust
I won't let you down
If you need me
I'll be there
That's the kind of person I am