I hate how I need to change
I hate how I can't change
I hate how I don't know how
I hate how I am
I hate how I'm dependent
I hate how I need other people
I hate how compliments make me feel
I hate how it makes me feel when someone likes me
I hate how I fall for the desperate
I hate how I attract phycos
I hate how I can't be happy unless there's a reason
I hate how I can't be happy all the time
I hate how I hate other people
I hate how I live inside my head
I hate how I can't get out
I hate how I'm scared
I hate how I'm awkward
I hate how I'm not outgoing
I hate how I'm shy
I hate how I'm dumb
I hate how I'm slow
I hate how I'm short
I hate how I'm stubborn
I hate how I'm alone
I hate how people get under my skin
I hate how people never have a reason
I hate how people can't handle the truth
I hate how I can't remember ****
I hate how I get angry
I hate how I cry
I hate how I look
I hate how I act
I hate how I hate
I hate how easily people influence me
I hate how I'm so gullible
I hate how I don't know anything
I hate how I'm not quick on my toes
I hate how I'm lazy
I hate how everything requires money
I hate how I don't have money
I hate how I can't find truth
I hate how I can't make up my mind
I hate how I don't know who I am
I hate how I don't know where I'm meant to be
I hate how I'm so lost
I hate how I feel like a waste of space
I hate how I'm no one
I hate how I fail
I hate how conversation is hard
I hate how I feel
I hate how the only person to help me is me
I hate how I can't be me
Because I hate me
I don't wanna be me
Someone else be me
**** me

Rewinding thinker
High hearted sinker
Appetites absent
Emotional respent
Replaying fault
Wounds full of salt
Igneous teardrop
Sinning nonstop
Benefits friendly
Awesomely awfully
Distractions fall away
Personal promise betray
Hidden happiness
Lost confidence
Powerful game face
Faithful basket case
Empty chested
Failed tested
Trapped sorrow
My twisted tomorrow
Desolate and despairing
No one even caring

It terrifies me to the bone
We go through all this **** and for what?
To end up buried under ground and forgotten
We go through the aging process to get slow motivated and broken minded
We get a job that is the same exact **** every time
And for what?
To be miserable and misunderstood.
School and education is what everyone honestly wants
Who wants to be dumb?
Not me but I am
I am lazy and I hate it
I want to be smart but it's like I have a problem with learning
I just can't remember stuff
I want to go to school but where the hell am I going to get the money?
How the hell am I going to afford an education
With the way I learn I'd probably just fail and waste all the money just like I'm wasting all my time doing nothing
I wasted my whole high school career
I took the easy road and still got bad grades
What the hell is wrong with me
Life is suppose to be fun and exciting
Right?
Well how come I can't be happy?
Where's my happiness?
Where's my motivation?
Where's my confidence?
Why can't I embrace life and tackle it?
Why can't I be strong and be alive?
I dont know where to start
I don't kno how to get out of my head
I'm miserable
That's just how I am
How am I suppose to change?
I want to change so bad
I don't want to be scared
I don't want time to go fast
I don't wanna do the same **** everyday
I want excitement and happiness
But I'm afraid it's lost
All I can feel is hurt
And it's all my fault

I just want to be somebody
I don't know how to get there
I don't know the steps from here
I don't know anything
I don't know who I want to be
I don't know what I'm suppose to be
I want to do things right
I'm tired of wasting everything I have
I just want to be somebody

So this is what it feels like to be broken....
Blink. Breathe.
I have my Picture People uniform on
Behind the counter
Can I help you I ask
"Uh hi. I think you're really cute and was wondering if I could get your number?"
Blink. Breathe.
Suddenly I'm sitting on the floor of your kitchen for the first time
Petting your cat Molly
The clock says 2:15
A.M.
You come into the room
make some pancakes
Cinnamon
Blink. Breathe.
We're sitting in your dads truck
Fish tank on my lap
Your hand on the steering wheel
Switch into reverse
Bump. Splash.
My pants are soaked
You laugh
I laugh
Everything perfectly fine
Blink. Breathe.
Cold
Ice skating
Nothing more do I want to hold your hand and kiss you
But those thoughts remain silenced
You fall once and call my name
My hand touches yours
And I wanted more
Blink. Breathe.
In a dark room
Movie credits rolling
Alone
You ask me
"Can I kiss you now?"
Pause
I lean in and it's a tongue battle
Hot and too fast
Blink. Breathe.
Hookah smoke
Dizzy
*****
You're wearing short shorts
You possess me to do things
My fingers trace your ***** line
Blink. Breathe.
You park your dads truck to get gasoline
You lean over and kiss me before you get out of the car
Blink. Breathe.
You hand me a ticket
Cannon Mac's Graduation
2012
I'm sitting in the bleachers
Surrounded by no one I know
Crying because I see you get your diploma
Blink. Breathe.
We're sitting in my car
Before you move 500 miles away
Hot tears sting my eyes
Can I tell you something I say
You say anything
I know this is crazy
But I love you
This is when she starts crying
I love you too
She gets out of the car
Looks in and says
"Marry me some day, okay?"
Blink. Breathe.
Marry me some day, okay?
Marry me some day, okay?
Marry me some day, okay?

These flash backs need to stop
They're killing me
I can't do this
I don't think I can do this

Words that don't make a sense
You asked me for my number
You asked me if you could make me cinnamon pancakes at 2 a.m. for my lunch break
You asked me if you could kiss me
You asked me to do more than that
You asked me to help you take your fish back to the pet store
You asked me to marry you
You asked me to come visit you
You asked me to stay with you
You asked me how I was doing
You asked me what I wanted to do each and every day
You wanted me
I felt it
Something real was there
You didn't just use me like everyone else
You loved me
I felt it
I loved you
More than anyone else I have ever loved
And I do not believe that it was a mistake
Did you not feel how strong our connection was
I'm sorry