I don't wanna choose
I have not yet decided
But what if one day
The people need provided

A savior in need
A hero confided
Do I have what it takes
With the doubt subsided

When I fail
When I've misguided
All the people
Had to've abided

A heroine fake
A heroine strided
No longer a leader
But placed besided

Step down the throne
Step down to the floor
My place atop
Was too much a chore

Too much to handle
Too much to adore
Have not what it takes
To stand up for

For all the people
For all the deplore
I have now decided
Not to choose anymore

Addicted to her moans
Go head, throw the stones
I know I'm a sinner
Eating her for dinner
But I've made my choices
Can't listen to these voices
Differences divides
My conscious resides
Battles won and battles lost
The line forbidden to be crossed
But I've crossed my own line
Ignored all the signs
So what if I'm a ****
I do what I like
Looking temptation in the eye
Too precious to say goodbye
I can't help these thoughts of mine
Consequences teach me fine
It could be worse I confess
How else to make progress
Living fearless and alive
Don't care whether I survive
I'd rather fail while trying
Than be bored and crying

I'm not really crazy
when I say I'm crazy
It's when my laugh joins my smile
And my mind forms my style
My sanity thinks its saner
And there's no thought of anger
Is when I'm bound to obliterate
Happily lost, can not locate
Any trace of crazy
Is when I'm really crazy

My arms are tired
My bones are weak
Fall to the floor
To rest my cheek

My mind is stubborn
My will is dead
Failed to put
A bullet to my head

I find myself shaking my head
Not sure where people come up with this stuff
So I'm not a player
I have a guilty conscious
I'm not a thief
I realize people work hard to get what they have
I don't lie
(When have I ever lied to you)
I do everything I can
Yet
I am still forced to think that I'm such an awful person
The antagonist of the story
It's been pounded into my head for years now
I'm convinced
Quit seeing me for what I'm not
It's only hurting me
And you're only fooling yourself
Stop looking through me
Look at me
Look me in the eyes
I'm begging
I'm not perfect
I said that from the start
I make mistakes
I don't like myself
Never really have
I've always thought
As far back as I can remember
I'm not good enough for anyone
I don't deserve anything
I'm so stupid
I'm nothing
All I do is get in the way
There's something wrong with me
I need to be better
I need to change myself
And I've always wondered why I think such things
It's because people tear me apart
They see me how they want to see me
And I try to be that person
They dig their way deep into my heart
And then rip it out
No warning
Just all of a sudden
When they see that I'm not what they thought I was
It's because they've never looked at me
Why can't I be something that people want
I really am ******
Because I don't know who I am
What I do know is that I'm not a bad person
My parents raised me very well
I don't know where these people get all this **** from
I do one little thing wrong
Like, have friends
Or talk to the wrong person
Or write a poem
Or tell someone a secret
And it ***** up everything
Meanwhile I'm busting my ***** to put up with everyone else's *******
They can do everything wrong
And I'm still there for them
With an understanding mind
And open arms to comfort
Is that what a bad person would do?
Yea it hurts like hell
But when you love someone
You learn to accept and get over it
You get through it together
You don't let the little **** get in the way
I'm sorry
But you just can't
If you do
Good luck finding someone
Cause no ones perfect

Pacing the room
Talking to myself
Cursing under my breath

My written words turn me into a monster
Someone who I'm not
I'm someone else when I write
I'm still that person you used to love

That's the difference between
1. Thought
     And
2. Action

(Is it a sin to think awful things or only when you act on those thoughts?)

I would never voice these thoughts I have
Have I ever?
The simple answer is
No
Never

As long as I've been writing
I never say these things out loud
Why?
Because I know they're wrong
Hurtful
But keeping it all inside
To build up and boil over
I can't do that anymore
It's lead me to bad places

I write my thought out instead of self harming myself
The scars I have only remind me of the past
Writing it down leaves no scars
I write it out and it's no longer thought about
Forgotten
Out and over with
It's a healthy way to release emotions
Bleeding out emotions felt better
I wish I could still be doing that

But I can't do that to my family anymore
2 years of hiding it
Wearing pants in 90 degree weather
I gave up swimming at the lake
People became suspicious

I lost it one day
Balling my eyes clean out of my head
My mom actually asked me what was wrong
I choked
I couldn't spit it out
I finally showed her
Confessed that I'm ******
And that I don't want to be ****** up anymore

Shove pills down my throat
That'll make it all better
Wrong

Saying things out loud makes them real
Hence the reason I keep all my crazy thoughts to myself
They're not real
They're just floating around in my head
Waiting to be put on paper

I'm an ******* for feeling this way
Not because I treated you a certain way
I always treated you the best I possibly could when we were together
If you say other wise
Then you're lying
You and you're people are artsy
It's a wonder why you don't understand

You've mistaken me as this person you just met
You forgot about the person you actually knew and loved
You threw that person away
And now you look at me like I'm some bad person
All because of these words I write

I'm a good person
I promise