i've lost more than i care to admit
                          by battles of possession
to them i'm a trophy to win
                 a presence to dominate

so often i wait while longer they take
                      
i still reach into my chest
give them the very best                   of me

are you talking to your friends?
seeking comfort somewhere closer?
and these thoughts i stick and cycle
over and over and over
and i feel so ****** helpless
like i'm nowhere near a lover
but i want to be supportive
so these thoughts, i lie and cover
and your pain is in my chest
your tears are in my covers
and my bed feels like a prison
cold sweating with a fever
i hate the distance with a passion
and i want to be there for you
but i know within the space there's love

and i'm doing all that i can do

big decisions without remission
        of my illnesses
on so heavy a scale
faring well,
all things considered

I regret absolutely nothing
except for not letting you go
with a little more grace

i can't turn off my brain
droning                                                                    
and                                          
droning
                                                   through internal defamation                

of no mild nature

other than the torture
twisting the knife every time
i try to say something                      
nice

about myself.

I thought about spending my nights in strangers’ beds
the barren wasteland of my sheets
the absence of your body

a much more excruciating prison

why is it so much easier to write
when everything’s not alright ?

i tried to abandon thoughts of you
the sudden break from the lines we had fused
spurred my slip into darkness
cold
hot
Abyss.
I never envisioned my knees to my eyes
tepid in your contemporary implies
I never wanted to be here
Holding myself together
The Hundreds could not save me from your tempest weather.
Pounding and pounding
relentless rain
Turned hardened to hail
as you sullied my brain

Stop.

Indulged in the concept i'd been offered thus late
Attempting to turn panic into hate
I hate you
I hate you
When you said "i'll break you"
i didn't believe that I'd drop my walls for you

Stop.

You care more for yourself and this need to be wanted
I didn't like feeling like something you'd hunted
I wanted to love you
pure, absent of lust
I gave you small pieces of forgotten trust
You didn't fit in that faction
set in safety of heart
your colors bled swiftly into abstract art
Painted within me
you saw my unjustly
please tell me this was something more than my body

Stop.

I want to
to hate you
I want to ******* hate you
For playing these games in my ready-****** head
before you i'd witnessed more lenient dread
But now that you're in me
you're left of my skin
I've washed you away
tried to forget my sin

I should've been your friend first.

I should've been your friend first.

But honey, you too, you should've been my friend first
and now i am strewn out in pieces, debris
from your choking grip you will not set me free
Your need to be wanted
your lust for my soul
Let go, I'm not breathing
i've lost all control.

i turned off my phone
closed down the internet
halted external allowance into my diseased brain
on the day
i was supposed to be most lively
and exciting

surface deep on surface thin
but under vacant stares
my body's screaming for their heart
my pulse cannot match theirs
The faithless actions in my bed reflect my tempest mind
My sheets hold saturated tears
to my anguish, keep them blind.

I feel like I'm the only person around
who's anticipating the comedown.