I've been silent on paper
I've been loud in my head
the voices that chatter against my skull
              Reverberations of all my shortcomings, failures,
My narratives of unworthiness

                                  I am my own detriment
                                           my own destruction

I cling to pain and welcome heartache like an old friend

                                     I was born with a broken heart
fragile and shattered
                                  carefully pieces together
                                 bursting at the seams

crushed by the hands i chose to hold it.

i still have your favorite ice cream flavor in my notes
i don't want to forget it
just in case
I still linger on your laugh in the moments off guard, coming across your face on another's page
just in case
i remind myself of the curve of your voice, the tears on your cheeks, and the bulk of porta 800 in my pocket
just in case
i remember the smell of your skin, your ringless fingers laced in mine
just in case
I still hold the breath of our last "i love you"'s in the pit of my stomach
just in case
just in case you change your mind
just in case you come home.

I’m angry with the people who diseased my brain
I’m angry with myself for being weaker than the pain

I grew up five years after breath gave me life.
        I still pray each day that it is 1995
I'd be adequate now
         and whole
I wouldn't have wasted my heart in their         searing cesspools
Incessant uttered pleas, marks that derange the page
Can't harbor the release my contorted heart craves

I wish just now I’d spoken the worst
    I’m so sorry to say that the pain only got worse

talk is cheap - that's why we bought it.