I am cigarettes, chocolate & cotton
The things that melt, not what freezes,
I have no patience & I won’t spare your feelings,

My skin is a canvas, it’s never empty
Bruises in water color, blood in ink,
Grace in the day, destruction at night

Selfish, megalomaniac & narcissistic
Not a shred of sympathy but empathy that’s endless
I have spent my entire life trying to get out of my body

Live outside my mind at all times,
repression, displacement, denial : defense
my anger consumes me & i can't see why

I have spent the last decade puking
my sexuality is twisted & it’s always been about power
tug of war, to keep the upper hand & keep them down

In the mirror, I see myself at 2 years old,
singing & kissing my sister on the forehead
& then pushing her into Christmas trees

I am open, gentle, loving, creative & kind.
A picture of fragility & resilience
So blinded in the light of this life

Forgive but never forget
& such grudges kind of weigh me down
I’m just scared they’ll all do it again & I’ll be the Fool

My mother has only slept, ate, drank, spent her way through life
When I’m really strong, I’ll let her off for that but right now,
I just can’t

I have always wondered why I was not like the others
& then I decided I didn’t want to be
they are puddles & I am a lake:

I’d rather swim, & risk drowning
than never see the depths of my being

What if I told you I haven't shaved my legs, my hair is *****, and I'm only wearing a big sweatshirt, underwear, and a bra on a cold Sunday morning?
What if I told you that I'm full of contradictions, breaking without warning?
What if I told you I was huddled under covers crying about imaginary characters, scribbling out my feelings through the blood of a pen or the sweat of a keyboard?
What if I told you that I'm endlessly entertained, yet endlessly bored?
What if I told you that makeup makes me break out, trying to be pretty just makes me feel stupid, the only people I can talk to honestly are strangers, and to those I know I hide and put it all on the shelf?
What if I told you that I ask others who they think I am, because I can't put a label on myself?

Why is it that anyone
Should ever cry in his lifetime?

Can't we all try to be
A part of the human race?

Instead of jumping down
Our loved one's tender throats
And hurting inner feelings
Many have exposed to you?

Oh, can't we just try
To open up our hearts
To the one we admire the most?

Ohhhhhhh......
Of the one we admire the most....



S T, 5 April 13

I knock three times and wait,
close my eyes and cross my fingers,
and I hear the click of the door opening,
and you're there, waiting for me
like you've been all along, maybe.
Without a word, I walk in and sit on your bed
You shut the door slowly and then
come to stand in front of me looking serious
"What is it?" I ask.
"Katie and I broke up."
"Oh."
He sighs and sits down next to me, close
enough to touch but not quite.
He looks at me and I look back into his silent eyes
He frowns momentarily and I think he's
starting to figure it out, so I look away
casting my eyes down at my hands, my fingers
twisting themselves into odd shapes
that betray how nervous I am, just being here
with him, knowing that... he doesn't belong to her
he doesn't belong to anyone, and
all I want is to be his.
I stand up and walk over to the corner
to try to escape the intensity of his presence
but he gets up and follows me until he's standing
just a foot in front of me
And I notice that he's not wearing shoes so
he's only a few inches taller than me
short enough so that it would be easy, so easy
for me to just reach up and -
But my thoughts are interrupted when he puts his hands on my shoulders
and asks me what I'm thinking about.
"Nothing," I lie.
His beautiful lips smile that annoying smirk of his
as he says "We both know that's not true."
And he's standing so close that I get distracted
by the amazing cupid's bow shape of his lips
and how his eyes light up when he's looking at me
And I feel a spark, a frisson, that's suddenly there
The room feels so much smaller, and it's just him and me
Inches apart, gazing into each other's eyes.
And then he leans in, still holding on to my shoulders
and he's getting closer and just before he closes his eyes
he whispers, "You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do this."

Once just Two little people
Now all grown
Far from me
All on their own 

Years fly by
Like a buzzing bee
Only 5 minutes ago
Both were Half the size of me

Now they're adults
Out in the big world
My handsome boy
And my baby girl

Always on my mind
And forever in this heart 
Regardless of how much
Distance apart

I look at a Map
Great distance I see
Of where they are 
And where I be

They're always with me
Their smiles give me mine
My Two little people
Are doing just fine 

I'd give anything
And then give even more
For my calendar to read
1994

Until the time machine
Is finally real 
I'll carry some sadness
That sweet memories kinda heal

If I had three wishes
I'd only need one
I'd wish a long lifetime of love
For my daughter and son

You shot me with an arrow
It hurt like hell
But no amount of pain
Could even come close in comparison
With the pain I would feel
For the next several months
As the wound from your arrow
Never could heal

The woman I fell for
After your arrow shot me in my chest
Couldn't reciprocate those emotions
And you wasted your last arrow on me
Cupid, you cruel *******
Why did you make me suffer?
Why did you shoot me with that arrow?

You see I wrote her
A total of 46 poems
Almost 100 love letters
Sent her 38 Valentines cards
And it wasn't even Valentines day
It was the middle of June

Cupid, you cruel *******
You put me through 8 months
Of pure undesirable hell
And every night
I contemplated your ******
But then something happened

I fell out of love with her
And fell in love with somebody else
I don't write to her as much
I haven't wrote her a single love letter
And the reason being
She doesn't love me anymore

Cupid, you cruel *******
I have cracks in the cracks of my heart
I have flaws in the way it beats
I hate you and what you symbolize
I hope you rot where I put you

See I realized this thanks to you
That I'm better off alone
No one to love
And no one to love me
Its better for me and other people
If they don't grasp my heart again

Your nimble fingers wrap around my waist
Your docile eyes covet my curious face.

You are my first love, and I aspire to be your last.
We love without hesitation, regardless of our past.

My soul is illuminated by visions of you,
The only one who could nurture my heart to make it seem so new.

My mind was fragile, my ego so weak...
My body littered with scars, my life looked so bleak...

Then I saw you, walking with that brazen stride...
You embraced me in your arms, and taught me how to have pride!

I know what it feels like to exist now,
Living life to the finest capacity that God allows!

I want to scream it to the world, I love you, I do!
Our lust is adventurous and limitless, our love never falls through.

There is no better substitute, everything is so right when we're together.
Like two turtle doves, it's you and I forever.

I'm on a high
I'm on a high
do you want to know why
I'm on a high

the man I love makes my heart soar
in celestial corridors
he's everything a woman
could ask for

that man of mine he's so sublime
I got to have his love all the time
how good it is
that I have his

his ****** of love
is such a strong bait
and it so fabulously
satiates

I'm on a high
do you want to know why
do you want to know why
I'm on a high