You don't grow up
You learn to
Lower your cap
Hide your face
Your expression
And
Walk away,
Wordlessly

Inner Weather Report:


The silence weighs heavily around my ears and it is difficult to focus

Stare at the ceiling but it moves as I end up head-first on the floors





My heart doesn't stop racing as I wonder and double back to crossroads left behind. Self blame is a slippery ***** which I already slithered away on. There wasn't much left and I feel like the hollow impression of smoke of an extinguished candle. My enthusiasm lurks behind corners as I run behind it but I tire out and stop for a drink at the stream of cynicism and depression. A sound resounding throughout my head as I imagine the worst and maybe that's not even the worst. College might not even pay-off.

How can I confide that I am worried because I don't see myself alive and going there means to sign a contract saying that I will not die?


It is a difficult reality and I worry so much.



A girl told me that I don't deserve to be forgotten the second I leave the room; that I deserve people caring and thinking about me.

She forgot everything the next morning.



As someone else sinks into depression, a whole group launches into discussions to help and I launch myself into it, a smaller part of me wondering where they were when I had asked.



It creeps onto me every day- an old friend. I've been comfortable living inside its haze for this long. How can I live without you my dearest friend? You have given me insight and clarity, given my feet direction even if just to throw myself off cliffs and I don't think I'll be me without you anymore.


How can I bid you goodbye? I was never good at those, preferring to walk out leaving bitterness and unsaid hellos and farewells behind me.


No promises and connections.

I've survived in you this long. How do I move on from you?


You are the only thing that has ever been mine, dancing in my tears and depression, asking me to cut a bit deeper, a bit more to the left. My four walls, ceiling and floor- you are my Home. Organically, growing, nestling in the veins of my sins, my existence. You are not a cancer but my closest well-wisher, you are me. To know you is to face myself. How can I breathe without you?

Things they do not tell you about goodbyes:

No one tells you
When you walk out of your house

Your home,
For all purposes

That sometimes
You don't miss it

You do not turn around on your ankle

Look at those heights

And want to return


No one tells you
That even when you travel to the absolute extent
Of this earth

You will find that people will still be the same
You will still be the same


No one tells you
That sometimes
You do not miss
What you left behind


They will not tell you
That you will find comfort in
Dark, frightening places with unfamiliar faces
In shadows

They do not tell you
That
You
Will still be
alone





This feels exactly like home
I am not sure what I am meant to miss
Except the solitude and the stars every other night




The rain kisses the earth in different ways here

It does not send petrichor soaring
Throughout the atmosphere

And it does not torrentially lash at the earth

It is soft and slow
Like the softest cotton wool of the blankets
You cuddled in when you were a child


The rain kisses the earth differently
My ears perked up, I realize





The rain kissed the earth of my hometown differently
With thunder raging in the skies