Men don't love me, I know that now
I can make them want me,
But not truly desire me.  No matter what they say.
And they definitely don't love me.
They don't need me.

I don't really mean anything to any of them.
I play my role as a *** toy (not *** Goddess)
And it eases those needs.
That'll do.

All I have left are the voices of my lovers inside my head
Saying all those things the lovers never said.
Their comfort destroys my soul.
Their joy makes me cry.

Those voices bring me pain.
But I go back to them again and again,
To hear those beautiful, hurtful words.
'I love you', 'You are everything',
'It's okay, I've got you'.

Poem a day, day 7*

Stumbling around
Trying to find my way
In a sea of sound
And a foggy haze

In the blur of life
As it rushes by
My mind is rife
With thoughts of why

How, when, where
Quickly follow
And my mind I fear
Is too clogged to know

Clarity is required
I know this is so
And if it could be hired
That route I would go

Shine a light
And clear my haze
Set me right
Before my mind strays

A hundred thoughts at once
From a dozen different 'me's
And I can't hold onto one
I don't know where they lead

One at a time please
One voice, one idea
I beg upon my knees
I need one thought that's clear

Try to make it interesting
It'll need to hold my attention
Being clear but boring
Is not my intention

Poem a day, day 8*

Pressure creates urgency
It can evoke action
Or cause immobility

I wait til the edge
Of my deadline
And make myself do it

Sometimes it flows naturally
Forcing me to stop second guessing
Then there's today

Late for bed
Keeping others up in our bedsit
Waiting... Blank

**** pressure
Can't focus
What am I doing?

I am ready.
I have been ready for a while now
Ready and waiting
For you.

I am ready to feel your arms around me,
To smell your scent, to feel your presence.
To know your strength
And your passion.

I am ready for whatever you bring.
As long as you bring it to me.
Bring yourself and all you have within.
If you give it to me I will take it all.

I am ready to give you myself.
I give you my love and my passion.
You have it already.
I am ready for you to truly know it.

Are you ready for me lover?
Are you ready to feel my passion,
That goes hand in hand with my emotions
You can't have just one.

Are you ready for fire and ice
That burns and soothes
Are you ready to feel my gentle warmth,
Roaring heat, and at times my chill.

I can't promise you much.
But I can promise you will know how I feel.
If you don't, just ask
I will always be honest.

Be gentle with my honesty,
Tender with my heart,
And passionate with my body.
And you will find me just as gentle, tender and passionate.

I know we weren't real, but I was real with you.
We had mere weeks of moments snatched,
Noone can love based on that.
It wasn't real life.
But I was real with you.

Too real...
You liked that I was so open with you.
One day I opened up,
You left, not a word, the end.
Maybe there's a reason people aren't that open.

I knew when I wrote it, it was a mistake,
But I had more faith in you.
I hoped for more, knowing I wouldn't get it,
But we could have gone on.

It was just the honest truth,
nothing was different after saying it than before.
Nothing but you,
Suddenly you're gone.

I have always been, and always will be
Real with you.
I miss you
x

And the tears flow.
It must be strong, Spider Solitaire couldn't hold them back.
The danger of an unfocussed mind,
Left to wander where it will.

It will always wander to you,
As where my heart leads, my mind will follow.
My heart aches for you.
The most wrong thing in my life was the most right.

Being with you was like coming home.
Not the horrible cliched version I always cringed at,
That felt like a small town, restrictive,
'There's no place like home' Dorothy concept.

You was my home,
Real, right, the place I belonged,
Safe... oh how wrong I was... safe.
So that's proof I suppose,
It was all in my head.

I always knew that, none of it was real.
It wasn't reality, no dealing with budgets,
Or weaknesses, disagreements, nothing real, just the fun.
Yet I really felt it, and I really feel it.

It was right, you was like coming home,
I was safe,
You stopped, everything, and I still can't hate you.
You are beautiful.
Good life my love x

Run to me my darling.
Ache for me, need me.
Run to me my sweet man
Let me be your desire.

Throw off the burdens of the way things are.
Forget about the 'shoulds' and 'mustn'ts'.
All that matters is you and I together,
Right here breathing each other.

Feeling you I know we are meant to be together,
You must feel it too.
When we are apart the doubts creep in,
Confusion begins.

With you there is clarity of pure emotion.
My needs and desires mingle with yours
And I know where we are.
Your presence clears my mind.

I will run to you my lover.
I will choose to believe you run to me.
Spill your desires into me as I spill mine into you
And we won't know which is which as they mix.

Where is my someone?

Someone to care for me.
Someone to hold me.
Someone to love me.
Someone to know me.

Someone...

Someone...

Who will love me,
Protect me,
Miss me.

Where is someone to reach out to me?
Someone to care that I reach back.

How can someone so in need of love
Be left so alone.
How can someone so capable of love
Live such a cold detached life.

Who will wipe my tears,
Hold me close,
Make love to me,
Keep me safe.

Who cares

Work warriors
Power through your work
Claim your prize
A certificate trophy
A bonus reward.

Poem a day, day 2*

It's all fun and games
Until someone loses a heart.
Take it from me.
Well, he did.

Great fun, good times
Next thing you know...
You turn around and
Someone's stolen your heart.

I only took my eyes
Off of it for a minute
And it was gone.
Possession is 9 tenths of the law.

The law of attraction.
I liked him,
I love him.
**** didn't see that coming.

Or maybe I did.
I couldn't have stopped it if I had.
Pickpocket skill level 100
Item: 1 heart.

Poem a day, number 22*

How much of my choices are my own?
Physiological compulsions
Societal pressures.

How much of my choices are my own
I muse, as I grab another sugary treat.
My own personal addiction.

It's not respected as an addiction
People smirk,
Or quip 'Oh yeah I have a sweet tooth too'

'No, no' I say
'It's medically proven
To have the same reaction in the brain as *******'

I can see them thinking
'Yeah right' as they smile and say
'Oh really?'

But the pressure to partake
'Just this once won't hurt'
Really?  Do you say that to alcoholics too?

Are people quitting smoking
Expected to smoke for a day or two,
Because it's Christmas, Easter, Birthdays...

How much of my choices are my own?
When you can't actually live without
Some sort of sugar.

In a society where anything with a hint of processing
Is likely to have some refined sugar
And the more convenience the higher the risk.

How much is my choice?
When managing my addiction is more about
Keeping sugar to a bearable level.

An addiction that can't be cut out completely
As my hand starts to shake at the mere thought of
Having to 'quit' again.

Why is it so hard to cry?
I need to cry.
I feel like crying,
But nothing happens.

Lying here curled up in my bed.
Thoughts run through my head
Distracting from my feelings while enhancing them.
Eventually a tear rolls down my nose.

One lonely sad tear.
Just like me.
A bit pathetic really.
Just like me.

Isn't it fantastic,
What fantasies are made of?
Where the mind might wander
And lurk without discretion.

Fantastic flight of fancy,
We fancy to be reality.
but fantasies sit awkwardly in the real world.
Not quite fitting right.

The corners dig and poke at life.
Fantasy insisting on what isn't practical.
Fantasy requires; more time, more money, less commitment.
conflicting needs that can't work.

Reality insists on choices.
You can't work less and have more money.
You can't love two men
And have everyone happy.

Reality rubs at the sharp edges of fantasy.
Wearing it down with compromise
To fit into reality.
But the mind is limitless, able to conceive the fantastic.

Wouldn't it be fantastic?
Wouldn't it just.

You never knew what being with you meant.
Those few weeks of reality,
Having spent my life shomehow out of sync.

I am the invisible girl.
Not quite here, not quite real.
It was like those old fashioned 3-d pictures,
When you put the glasses on the two lines become one.

Being with you felt like my life was real.
Universes aligned, the world sat right within it,
And I was the most 'me' I have ever been.

Even the first day we met,
I was awkward and shy.
But it was truly me awkward and shy,
Not some disjointed, disfunctional, semi-real
version of me.

Now... nothing.
Quiet, dead, nothing.
Nothing.

Day 1 of a poem a day*

God created 'man' in his own image.
Is that why we feel compelled to
Create, invent, make
Things that were never there before?

Is this compulsion a God complex?
Or reflecting the nature of the Devine,
Or perhaps our own Divinity.
Because it's that big, no matter how small.

It's everywhere, in everyone.
Some people think they're not creative.
But creativity isn't just 'art'.
It's creating a building, a positive experience, anything you make.

Some people think they're not artistic.
When they've learned to suppress it.
Taught that it's not 'worthwhile'
Or comparing themselves to others.

It is in us to create.
When you express yourself you will create.
In whatever form that might be.
And it's beautiful... whatever form that might be.

Poem a day, day 6*

I need to cut my toenails
I need to wash some clothes
I need to do some dishes
I barely blow my nose.

I need to get more sleep
I need to exercise
I need to find time for me
I need to close my eyes.

How do I make it work?
Sleep more
Exercise more
Do less
Do more

I have to MAKE myself do things
So life's not just eat, sleep, work
Sure I might have some time
But sleep is all that comes to mind.

Don't burn the candle at both ends.
Don't over do it.
Take some time to look after yourself.
But live life to the fullest?

Make sure you're healthy and exercise.
Have a hobby for balance.
Don't pack your days morning to night
It's not good to always be busy.

Poem a day, day 15*

These are the last pages
Of my first real poetry book.
It's quite an accomplishment.
I stuck at this.

I developed and expressed myself.
I tried new things.
Now this is part of my life
And I have a new book.

I will have good days
And bad days
And it will all be in that book
As they are in this one.

Sometimes I will sound like a poet
Sometimes I will think "I am not a poet"
But always I will write something
I choose to call poetry.

So this is the last poem
In my first book
With many more books to come
This ending is a beginning.

The first of many lasts.
But the only one
That's the last of this first
A distinct point in time, and on it goes.

A tan makes you thinner.
A tan makes those curves seem firmer.
It'll disguise your stretch marks.
White is "pasty".
It's ok, you don't have to bake in the sun.

She looks down at her milky white skin,
Passed down through her mothers line.
A natural English rose.
All those years of battling the sun in her youth.
The only colour she got ranged from pink to searing red.

So a spray tan it is.
Now she has that "healthy glow".
In the mirror she sees all the tricks of the eye.
Now she looks how she's "supposed to".
She fits the shape of brown.

Her skin covered in the chemical concoction.
Does it look too fake?
She doesn't know, but that's ok
No one else knows either, this is the norm.
And she fits the shape of brown.

She looks at her stretch marks.
She used to be uncomfortable about them.
Her adult daughter liked them,
She called them shiny, silvery.  Now a light brown.
But she fits the shape of brown.

She fits into the shape
That society has molded her into.
She fits into society.
No longer that big white sore thumb.
She fits the shape of brown.

One size fit all?

Lost in myself
I lack connection with the outside,
Lack connection with what's inside.
I can see it all shrinking away.

The more I try to find the connection
The more elusive it seems to get.
There are times when it comes naturally
And I wonder 'how did I do that?'

How do I replicate those natural moments
When they don't come naturally.
What was so different on those days.
Isn't that how it should be?

Sometimes it feels like those days are there to taunt me.
It was almost easier when I never had them.
Almost, I wouldn't wish to be back there again.
I guess that means there's progress.

I thought I wanted someone to hold me.
Turns out I wanted someone to hold me and tell me they love me.

I thought I wanted wild, unattached ***.
Turns out I wanted wild *** with him completely attached to me.

I thought I wanted a large house.
Turns out I wanted somewhere to belong.

I thought I knew what I wanted.
Turns out I wanted what I knew.

I wait,
Quietly wait for you.
Until you're ready to be with me,
When I can be with you.

And the silence in between is deafening.
Only hearing from you when I contact you.
No email to say 'how are you?'
Until it's close to time to get together.

Yet I still believe you care for me.
I know you don't love me,
I don't expect you to and you never claimed to.
It's not your fault how I feel about you.

I try not to be needy,
It makes me second guess everything I do.
I no longer react naturally to you.
It's sad because you do make me feel so at ease.

Take time to smell the roses,
Take time out for yourself.
Take time... but time is not
Yours to hold on to.

Time slips by
Even if you could time travel
You still age
Your own time slips by.

Your only choice is now.
The only time you 'have' is not.
Make your choice now,
And remember, your next 'now' holds the consequences.

Do I bare my soul too much?
Should I leave more room for mystique?
I am not one for half truths and game-play
I am honest and real.

Too open
Too vulnerable
Too needy
Too ******
Too emotional
Too much

Do I drive men away?
Am I scaring them off?
Am I not choosing just the right thing to say,
Instead I say my truth.

It has cost me at job interviews,
I don't do office politics.
Has it cost me in love?
I am not available for love, but I fall.

Have I made that too obvious?
No *** without strings because I have to like him too,
So can he tell, I will probably fall?
I know my readers can.

'My readers' who know my deepest darkest secrets.
Who have seen every 'too' in my life.
No risk of you wanting me now,
Fortunately I can put that down to distance.

You had no idea that if you was here
We would be lovers, did you?
(There I go, sharing too much again?

Oh to have a hand to hold
More than a cold stone wall
With a computer heart.

To feel a human touch
More than an illicit moment
Every once in a while.
And then back home
Connected and disconnected.

Looking up from the computer
For a split second to blow a kiss
Just makes me sadder.

Barely a foot away
And we don't touch.

He loves me all he knows how to
And I feel so alone.
I have so much more to give
Than he is interested in,
And need so much more.

So there we have it
A conundrum with no fixing

Just more breaking.

Yes.

I have been kicked in the guts so many times.
Not always intentionally.
They probably don't even know.
But it happened none-the-less.

Some might say I should have learned by now.
But 'learned' suggests intellect.
I have the knowledge,
I can see what's coming, but I don't avoid it.

Each time I think I have been battered enough
To not have anything left to be able to go there again.
So now I know no matter how tired and battered I am
I have all this to look forward to again.

It might be someone new,
It might be someone I thought I meant something to,
Reminding me, in someway,
How they didn't really.

I can't numb my heart,
Definitely not long term.
I can't stop wanting, loving (or thinking I do)
I can't stop the intensity of my emotions.

I even want to feel, as much as I dread it.
I love the passion, being alive.
Maybe even the fear of what's to come.
Something like Barbra Streisand's 'Being Alive'.

If only I could feel that
And have someone feel it about me.
The emotions aren't the problem
Being in it alone is.

But that's the way it is,
Always.
Just fifty or so more years
Of this to look forward to.

I want a lover.
Someone to share an intimate touch.
To bask in their presence.
To feel their body.

I want to bring a man joy.
To see the peaceful smile grow
As I gently stroke his chest,
As I kiss his lips, his cheek, his ear, his neck.

I want to feel him hard against me
As my hand moves down his torso.
Closer and closer to his ever growing ****
And down the side of his groin and upper thigh.

I love the smell of a man's body as he gets more and more aroused.
I breathe it in as I kiss his chest
Quickly flicking my tongue over him here and there.
As I move down, touching, kissing, licking.

Finally I'd put my mouth to his hard ****.
I kiss the tip, quick flick of my tongue
Then kissing the shaft.
I give a lick from base to tip, while caressing with my hand.

I revel over how ***** he is for me
As I slip my mouth over his dripping tip.
Oh yes, release that pre-*** into my mouth
As I slide my lips down your **** and **** you.

And I release, pause, stretch out the pleasure.
I gently glide my fingers from your ***** to tip
While looking deep in your eyes, smiling.
Both of us enjoying each other's pleasure.

You would roll me on my back
Reciprocating the thrill I just gave you.
Gently stroking and caressing my breast, torso and wet *****.
Kissing and licking, increasing my excitement.

And the thrill as your head goes between my legs.
You lick my ***** and it pulses.
You **** my **** and I get even wetter.
My muscles tense with the thrills shooting through me.

You love my arousal as much as I love yours.
Your licking and ******* makes me so wet.
I am more than ready for your **** inside me.

You know it.
You slip your tongue inside me instead.
Bringing me to the edge before you raise up.
You slowly slide your body over me.

Your hard wet **** is perfectly positioned
To slide into my waiting ***** as you move up my body.
The feeling of having you inside me
Is more exciting than anything else.

As my warm ***** drips over your ****
I tighten and release my muscles
To milk every last drop of *** from you.
Waiting for the look that makes me hornier than ever, your *** face.

I love your pleasure, and knowing I affect you like that.
As you push deeper and harder into me
My once loud moans and cries of 'Yes' and 'Oh God'
Become muffled, caught in the breathless ecstasy.

Yes, yes... YES!
You ***, squirting your beautiful *** deep inside me.
I few flicks and I ***, dripping all over your twitching ****.

Oh yes
Pos *** bliss
Hold me
And let me smell our powerful ******* on you.

Poem a day, number 14*

Produce something
One day missed of my
Poem-a-day
From work to event
Then home, shattered.

One day missed
Now here I am staring blankly
Pounding headache
Stiff muscles
No idea what to do.

If I get behind
It's easier to give up.
Today I need to produce two poems.
One day missed
And panic sets in.

No poems left
Just rants,
Ideas, things to say
But no poem
Tomorrow I have work again.

One day missed
And in the squeeze of a one day weekend
Used to get other things done
If I fall behind more
It might slip completely.

So I have to produce something,
Anything.  We will worry about quality tomorrow.
Just don't stagnate.
Stay in motion
Starting is harder than keeping going.

When my emotions get too strong
I lose my words.
So the feelings I really want to express
I don't have the words for.

I look at him and smile,
And fiddle with my fingers.
As my heart races,
The blood flows everywhere but my brain.

We don't have conversations about
Philosophy, politics, society.
I gasp and can barely breath
Wanting to hold him.

Wanting to be in his arms
Where words aren't needed,
Where emotions are at home
And so am I.

I would be your goddess
To draw you in, captivate you.
Worship me.
You are my *** god.
I adore you completely.

The sacrifice of your ****** pleases me.
I reward your worship by giving myself to you
As I take you.

I give so much more than you will ever know
I give it gladly, freely.
Your goddess isn't just the goddess of ***.
I am also the goddess of Love.

We won't mention that.
You can't take  my love,
You can take my body.
I know you can't love me,
But you give me your body.

I find bliss in the intimacy you come to me with.
I feed on your desire for me
And revel in your lust.
Your essence is beautiful

What is your desire?
I can give it to you.
Do you want my naked body ready for you
Or some **** lingerie to tantalize.

Do you want to take me to the bedroom,
Or if you can't wait, **** me on the couch.
Would you like to get a little public?
At the movie, restaurant, beach, car wash.

Do you want to pleasure me with licking,
Or do you need to **** me right now.
Hot urgent hard ***
To release all that *** built up in your *****.

Do you want to give.
Do you want to take.
Or both, full pleasure.
Your desire is my pleasure.

I am Lover
All you want, need, and desire.
I love to make you ******.
Your hot sexuality makes me ***.

I am Lover
In every way.
I give you myself
Tell me how you want me.

Do what you want to me.
Where you want, when you want.
My body is yours
Every inch of it.

My lips are yours
I will kiss how you wish.
My tongue is yours
What shall I lick.

My hands are yours
Eager to touch you.
My neck is yours
Should you want it.

The curve of my breast is yours
Please do enjoy them.
My large pink ******* are yours
Make them hard if you want.

My *** is yours
If that's what you like.
My wet ***** is yours
Your pleasure is my pleasure!

My legs are yours
To enjoy or guide.
Without direction they will wrap around you.
Take your fill.