I am not gifted
I am a gift
to you
I am your child
And I always knew it was your job
To keep me healthy
Maybe that's why
I cried so much
and cry so much
to this day
I did not ask to be born
I did not ask to be perfect
But you asked that of me
How the **** can a Mother
Joke of locking their child in a closet
To starve them for their weight

Gifted child
Gifted child
I wish you saw me as a gift
Instead of gifted
Instead of expecting the most
While creating the least
Out of me

I thought my first heartbreak
Would be from a friend
Perhaps a partner
But I soon realized
It was a process
That had already started
There was no specific day I realized
That I couldn't feel your love
And only now
At 21 do I realize
How badly I wanted to my whole life

You gave birth to someone with many weaknesses
Similar to the ones within yourself
But you can't stand seeing them
In anyone

I don't know if I've forgiven you
But I don't think I hate you
I just wish that the seed we planted
Grew

I was young, incapable
I didn't know how to take care of it
But neither did you
And by the time we found out

The seed was rotten.

I see with my mind
Looking through different filter lenses
Changing for better
and for worse

It hurts to realize
I may never know true vision
And I'm not even sure
If I really know reality

I live life through mental images,
these horrid scenes that play out in my head

My antipsychotics are failing me
And the catch is that they probably always will
But I love you, at least that's real

We’ve finally run away
Told no one about it
It’s better that way

There is no priest
No one to make this holy
Because darling I’m hellbent
On it just being us

I am a sick bride
And you are my pill
To fight with

You are a tired groom
And I am your pillow
To rest on

Once this is over
We’ll go back to those
That really do love us

Crystal vines creep
Along our bodies

These vines seem to know
Everything about you
And I must say I dream
Of knowing the same

If we end up pulling apart
I know their shards
Will pierce our minds
In unison

Uncertainty fills your mind
Mine too
But we both planted these seeds

Let's become new

You're hard candy and
I've no clue what you have within


Is it a viscous, sweet-tasting fluid
That will seep, spilling all that you hide


Or will you break me before I ever
Reach your center
Are you hard to the core?

I hope he loves me
Even at 2 am

Losing my mind
Brains spilling out
Trying to fix the leak
Knowing there's nothing
That I can do

Begging for sleep
Wishing for the end
Not knowing if
It'll finally be the knife
That does it for me

I hope he loves me

The light puts slits in your eyes
Horizontal rather than vertical
Another excuse not to look into them
But besides that, you're kind of pretty today

I sincerely wish this was our first meeting
Or that it wouldn't be our last
I really, truly wish I knew you
Girl within the mirror

I wish I could see you when you’re scared
I know you are but I want to see it
I want to know not that the anxiety is real
But that you’re real

You got your first job at a hotel
You said it was fine but didn’t realize
That you’d bitten off more than you could chew
Until 4 AM the next day
When you called your boyfriend and
Showed up at emergency

Swore your anxiety was better and yet
You couldn’t hit the push-to-talk button
Called the hospital with your phone instead
Because the 5 extra meters of distance
From the hospital door really made a difference

The nurse gave you a couple hotlines to call
Next thing you knew you were crying on a park bench
Talking to a mental health worker over the phone
At 6 in the morning

You always seem fine until you start talking
Holding tears in until your thoughts
Escape through your mouth
For you to hear them out loud
Because that’s when you realize these things
Are more than just words

You still ended up at the hospital
As directed by the confusing-but-supportive
Mental health worker

Just as you did over the phone
You insist you aren’t suicidal
Whenever necessary
You feared being admitted again
But you wouldn’t say this aloud

...

After dropping off your prescription slip
With a grocery store application form hidden in your jacket
You quit your first job

Your mom wasn’t angry
Like you were worried she would be
But you still haven’t told your dad
Because he seemed so proud
And the first thing of significance
That you told the mental health worker
Was that you feel like a disappointment

Porcelain birds
Perch upon my window sill
Waiting to recieve the letter
I told them about

A letter I've been writing for weeks
Cooped up in my clockwork tower
Speaking to no one but the dust-spiders
And the squirrel that Mother still hasn't
found out about

I wrote about how much I wish
To leave this place
How much I wish to join you
In the garden we'll plant together
Laying in the grass and looking
Up at the bright orange sky
Before the sun finally sets

I wrote about the lovely meals
I'll cook and all the treats I'll bake
only for you

The animals we'll take care of
and bond with, our ideal version of
children, I suppose

The places we'll travel together
and the beautiful pictures we'll take

But most importantly
the "I love you."
at the very end to make sure
my point comes across

I hear Death's bells
and they play a tune
that sounds so familiar
even though I know
I've never heard it
before.

In a sense, it's me
that they're ringing for.

Death is coming,
but not for my life.

He will eat my past
and so it shall vanish.

I will beg Death
to devour me also,
but he will refuse,
and I will learn
why.

My face is wet,
and I don't know
if it's sweat
or tears,
but
we've won the war,
my dear.
All for you.
I love you,
my darling.
Hold me,
please.

I will reach you soon
and though this promise
is meant for you
the person it will help the most
is me

Addorned in black
from head to toe
Hiding in the shadows

Waiting to sneak out
with your victorian lace-up boots

Licking your lips, snickering
thinking about stepping
all over my vulnerability

You are horrific
and I am helpless
But a part of me
craves all of it

Purify me
Bring me to beauty
And when you finally
deliver me from my sins

Dress my body
in the finest assortment of laces
before they send me away
six feet down

I want to feel your presence
next to me when I wake up
in the mornings

I want to be there for you
should you ever need me
in the afternoons

I want you to feel the warmth
of the food I cook for you
in the evenings

I want to know how it feels
to have your lips against my forehead
and hair against my cheek
before I fall asleep

I want to know how it feels
to fall in love again

I feel like when you write a love poem
it's expected that you're to try and find
some kind of intricate and elaborate way
to say I love you
without really saying it

But before I do that
I think I need to just say it
so that no matter how you interpret my words
and no matter what you're worrying about
you know that
in plain words
I told you

I love you.

I love you
Like you love the trigger of your gun
Put it to my chest
Tell me you hate me

My blood
My passion
Let it all out

Release me from
All these thoughts of you

I had wished that he loved me
like he loved violence
He had no problems romanticizing
the trauma of others
But he couldn't romanticize my problems
not at all
Made a mockery of suicide
but would gladly take the lives and loves of others
I'm glad I've learned that there's people
who can love me without making me small
This stupid girl
or parasite, as he would say
She can't do anything about him
There's no controlling what he does
or who he hurts
There's only hoping that the hurt
stays emotional
There's only moving on

Daylight dreams and fairy kisses
Dance with me at dawn
We'll kiss under the bare trees
Leaves crunching as we embrace
I don't think they'll grow back

Thank you, friends
but this
is where I take my leave

You turned this from a nightmare
to a pleasant experience

Provided me enough love
to keep me going

Taught me more about life
Than my mother’s sharp words ever will

Helped me learn that
even though my father may never come back
I still can

Unfortunately
I must wake up now
from this darling dream

I’m not ready
but time waits for no one

I’ll miss you

He's watching you
dancing in the underground
bleeding nose
and happy eyes

Heart racing
knowing he won't spare you today
but if he did
what waits for you outside
would show no mercy

You played your cards wrong
and used your last to make lines

Angels sing in celebration
while I lose my mind

Where are you, my love?

I can barely see through this raging storm
of snow and anxiety
My passion keeps me warm
while I search for you

Why did you do it?

I had everything you needed
Though it seems I overestimated
the dosage of love that you needed
You just weren’t ready

Come home
I’m terrified
I miss you

You couldn’t handle the world
and there’s no way you can now
Not with what I’ve done to you

You need me

i.
with you
i want to travel and explore
this sickly world god has placed

i want to experience it with you
and be there for you through its nightmares,
phantoms, and delusions

ii.
i sharpen needles of affection
trying to make them sharp enough
so that you won't feel them
but clearly I've failed
i apologize

when i see you my heart
fills with happiness
and i wish
you could use me
as your mirror

her blood is dusty
she longs for new skin and bones
new hips new thighs
she's out to find god
she's out to starve
she'll wear all those lace dresses
frilly blouses and petticoats
after she devours him whole
it won't end there
it can't until she's perfect
not until she's long dead
beyond decomposed
when she weighs the same
as the god she ate

said we'd see the world
but soon realized
we'd already seen too much

underwater french kissing
to cope with the pain
of living and dying

our boat's the last thing
to see us off
dunno where it'll crash

face down
our bodies float at sea
lifeless and loveless

red lace in the backwoods
everyone knows you
left it there
better run, better run

i'll hide you my dear
rest in my arms
we leave in the morning
'fore the sun, 'fore the sun

they'll be in deep sleep
by the time we make it
over the hills
gotta go, gotta go

mushrooms tell poisonous lies
soon enough you find yourself lost
in the shadows of the grass
trying not to drown in the early morning dew
if only you could wander oh so aimlessly
and end up home with your linen blankets
but lamb's-ear is also rather comforting
as the sound of an owl's hoo's lull you to sleep
hope you rest for an eternity because
you'll never find your way back

get out of the way
i've got no idea where these
white heels are taking me
and i don't care
i'm ready to stain them,
break them, ruin them
i'm going to take some
questionable paths but
it doesn't matter to me
as long as i'm not walking
the same circle every day

white dress and linen hair
decorated with ***** willow buds
pale skin and strawberry lips
hazel eyes hiding behind sleeping eyelids

i long to kiss you one last time
but i know i'll only feel it in my chest
and you won't at all

they close the casket
but this outdoor funeral
will never end

you win

i thought we were together
and we are
just not in the way my
first-dose affection portrayed

you won't take what's mine
but i'll give you plenty

i don't think we'll
get married some day
but i don't need that
to feel how i do

it's hard to love
with constrictions
i can commit
but not without confliction

too many labels and my love falls apart

for now i'm in love with
you being you
and me being me

should you find someone
you want to share yourself
and i pray to god
your children with

i'll be very happy for you
but for now

i love you
oh so closely

-

you know i've no particular identity
but i wouldn't mind being
a feminine figure in your life
that didn't ******* over

butterflies in my head
**** them and pin them
add them to your collection

hold my hand and i'll ask you
why they flutter around
when you do that

when you look at me
i can feel them behind my eyes
i think they want a taste
of your raspberry lips

they do all they can
to try and escape
just to perch upon your skin

they can't escape
they never will
instead they fill my head
with the inexplicable

i wanted you to take me with you
i wanted you to take me everywhere
i'm as good as dead
but remember that much

Engrave that gun in fleur de lis and take your own life.
Claim a last attempt at denial but it's not true.
End-all validation.

I want to be your
sweet, sweet honey
that you keep in a jar

spill me on the floor
leave me for the bugs

where is the grey angel
with love in his smirk
and affection
on the back of his hand

Red letters, red wrists, red eyes.
Seize my throat; muffle my cries.

He's watching me through the streetlights
The windows above the bars, the apartments
He never left but he won't come back

Should he visit me, I think I would die too

Mouth to mouth,
blade to chest.
How can you love me
without pressing harder?

They won't let him leave
The angels are dying and god is crying

Sick *******, sick heads

Where did The Queen go,
white-dressed Knight?

Your intent is showing.

Holy heretic honey,

You are not a god-killer
You are a god
and I, a god-lover

Your angel

Bite me, orchid lady
Adorn me with glass feathers
and educate me to crimson
**** me with my own
obedience

Take my first kiss with your rose lips
I'll sit through purgatory with you
Sin in both our mouths that we'll hide from God

Not that he's looking

Cold roses pressed against my lips
warm blood in my palms as i squeeze
Kiss me please and turn to ice with me
we'll be a holy statue