You need to treat my world like a glass globe
It is not a ball that you can bounce around
You can't throw it at walls when you're angry
You can't squeeze it like it's a stress ball

My world is precious
Just like yours
If you flip my world
Ill surely flip yours back
So we're looking at each other upside down
As if we're hanging from monkey bars
Because that's what love is like, isn't it?
A play ground.

Ill chase you around
You'll chase me around
Ill slow down so you can catch me
Somewhere in there one of us might fall
And I hope you're the type of person to help me up
Instead of laugh and watch me get up myself

If we'd play cops and robbers
Id steal your heart and you'd put me in jail and ask for it back
But the thing with thieves is we are selfish
I wouldn't hand over your heart because I don't want to give it back
You would have to pry it out of my cold dead hands
But you wouldn't have to worry, I'd give you mine instead

And we would play around in our imaginary world
Flipped upside down
As if we're on monkey bars
Because that's what love is like, isn't it?
A playground.

.
                  I'll take a step backward
Because I'm too far ahead of the game
                                  Who likes to be left behind
Watching yourself fall back in shame?

Or maybe you should take a step forward
                                   Because I'm all the way over here
And your footsteps are fading into my past
                   Better catch up, dear.

What's going through my head
I could never tell you
Because like most things in this world
They are just better left unsaid
But if you must hear
I'll tell the tale of love and grace
Or, perhaps, nothing of that place
Because my mind is filled with fear
Of all the things nobody should ever hear
While it shoots down to my perception
It's trying to become something like perfection
At its best, it's wings will soar
And the vibrations of its movements will give you chills
Then it takes off with you struggling atop its back
And tries to teach you the secrets of the hills
How up and down they form a *****
That science tried to put into logic
At an incline of x and a height of y the hill reaches this point at xy feet in elevation
Yes nature is nothing of the sorts
That can be solved in a complex math equation.
Nor is it of the sorts
To be tampered with
But we do
And nature is nothing of the sorts
To be carelessly wasted
But we do
And yes nature is a gift that should be showcased
But we don't
And as I'm straddling the back of this horrible creature from my mind
Flying through this world and making illusions in my eyes
To see the way it wants me to see
With fear, despair, and some mutant mix of both that I can't quite explain
There's nothing more for me to think
Except the thought that we've ruined
What's been given to us
And that what our future generations will find
Is the mess we created out of our freedom
And the remnants like a party once its over
All this garbage we simply left behind.

Think before you;
Talk
Text
Approach
Wave
Look
Move
Breathe
Exist

Because you'll probably end up;
Making a fool of yourself
Doing something stupid
Making yourself sound idiotic
Bothering him
Making him not like you
Hating yourself
Wanting to disappear
Wishing you hadn't.

Watch the flow of the ocean
Each wave is its own muscle
Rippling to the shore
Then retreating back into its body
Slowly gaining strength to return
Singing never ending rhythms
That will not fail to calm you,

Listen to the sighs of the sea
Tumbling around
Caressing the sand
Somersaulting sea shells
Exhaling salt water breezes
That will free your mind
If only you'd let it.

Just another teenage girl
Curled up in a ball
Crying herself to madness
Over a teenage boy
And how she feels so alone.


What's new?

Let me feel all the things I've been hiding from myself.
These bottled up emotions have finally gathered enough pressure to burst.
The cap shoots out and so do my tears.
The fizz protrudes out like a volcanic eruption and my breathing gets drowned out.
The sticky mess dribbles onto the table and my shaking is not steadied by it.

I am so unstable.
And I blame it on you.
But you never did anything to make me like this.
You were just you.
And that's what kills me.
Because you got me.
And you heard me.
And you liked me.
And you left me.

Clattering clashes of confused cacophony
Secretly sweep myself from sanity  
No one knows of this nonsense
That's viciously veering away my vanity.
But bursting bottles bubble over
Then transform from thick to translucent
Succumb to swallowing my insecurities
Like little lies luring your loneliness
Making moments your own meaningless movie
These hallucinations hear hoarse laughter
That tricks time into ticking towards timebombs.

I wonder where raindrops come from before they reach my window,
A river? Lake? Ocean?
I wonder how far they have to travel before they reach my window,
A kilometer? Mile? Country?
I wonder if these raindrops work together to sing as they reach my window,
Plop-plop, ploop, plop-ploop!
I wonder how diverse the raindrops are as they reach my window,
Oh hello, I'm from Lake Ontario.
I wonder if it's a wild party or wet war in the clouds whose raindrops reach my window,
Let's dance! Fight me!
I wonder how social raindrops are that reach my window,
Stick to me, we'll become a downpour!
I wonder if the cloud is the mother that lets go of its children to reach my window,
Off to the lake, ma, see you soon!
I wonder if raindrops thought they could fly but instead reached my window,
Weeeeee-aahhhhhhhh!
I wonder if they all fall but expect to soar as they reached my window....


Plop-plop, ploop-plop, plop, ploop, plop, plop....

I wait for the rain to drench me so I can be washed of my impurities. I'm wishing that the water that streams down me will mask the tears that have been clouding my vision for so long because whenever I think of you my own rainstorm starts inside of me.
  
I wait for the lightning to hit me so I can be filled with light. I'm hoping that the electricity that courses through me will somehow get through to you so I'm not the only one that feels something when we touch.

I wait for the thunder to deafen me so I don't have to hear the news something along the lines of it's probably not going to be you and me. If I can't hear anything anymore I won't have to worry about listening to the compliments you shower her with day after day.

I wait for the sun to dry me so I don't have to catch more of an illness than I already have. I'm guessing that when the sun comes out I'll shine like a newly cleaned window having been rinsed of the dirt that's been clouding me over for so long now because I know your blue eyes see through me but if I blind you with light then you really won't see anything at all when you look at me.

When your eyes are too tired to speak
And lips too tired to search
For the words you've been needing to say,

If your heart keeps stuttering
And eyes keep glistening
With no energy to seize the day,

Will your feet keep moving
Or mind keep working
To find the right way?

Stop worrying, child
You are a creation of God;
Just open your heart and pray.

Alcohol and poison are what's clouding my vision and this is what I see:
Fire and ashes are what's burning the very existence of you to me.
Your body is so ****** it's past being considered as medium or rare.
Knives and daggers tightly hug my hands like they always belonged there.
Footsteps run but you haven't gained any distance to escape.
Entangled in rope I make knots and secure your mouth with duct tape.
Eyes plead a panicked mercy but I only see you're shameless sins.
Blackness then light is a result of my drinking too many tonics and gins.

If you could only see what you're doing to me.

The loss for words
The rush of warmth
The blush of my cheeks
The self concious preening
The attempt at ****** jokes
The common sense I seem to lose
The fear that I'm not what you want
The butterflies caressing my stomach
The idea that I can just touch your hands
The panic when I almost automatically do....

The anger because you make me feel like this
The wild emotions whenever I think of you
The small gestures I'll end up overthinking
The effect you have when you smile at me
The sarcasm I use to try to hide myself
The embarrassment of everything I do
The swooning I catch myself doing
The need to just talk to you....

If you could only see what you're doing to me.

You came out and scared me
When you refused to let me be
My saltwater barrier didn't repel you
The way I thought it would do.

I don't know what could be more unsettling;
the impending sadness I feel for what has not happened
or the fear that my thoughts
will build the reality of my present
to unwrap a gift I think
isn't mine to keep

It would be quite easy
for you to break me
Shatter me like the glass
I didn't know my heart was made of.
I'll repair like stone
And turn colder
But wiser?
When it comes to you
It seems as though my heart of stone
Turns to fragile glass
At any given moment
I think of you.

The rain is falling glass
Shattering from the angels' eyes
They hit the ground in shards they splash
And if you look close enough you'll find a reflection of lies

The unwashable wounds of problems past
Awaken the demons that gush your logic out of mind
Half-remembering telling yourself that last time was the last
But everyone dances with the devil when they've been left behind

Something sharp, subtle pain, screams at the edge of the glass shards
And the angels cry their silent pleas that your deafened ears refuse to hear
A blinding reflection of white light (maybe white lies) stun your mind's composure guards
While the devil comes out to play in the glass rain, turning spatters into basalt ashes of burnt-out fears.

Gasping for breath
Again.
How many times
Should I pretend?
Smiles and laughter
Scratches and nightmares
After.

Preening and playing
Screaming and bingeing
Contemplating.
Parties with liquor
Bleeding and bruising
Stupor.

Watching and curious
Withering and unconscious
Hideous.
Caress my broken soul
Maybe my spirit's just an empty
Hole.

If you were to dig a hole
For every time you've made
me think that I should go
D          I          E                  
in one,
there still wouldn't be enough dirt
to fill in your    e                            soul.
                               m                y
                                    p       t

You are a complex person
So many confusing equations to figure out
All these numbers and signs adjacent to each other
Only I can simplify you
Because my numbers and signs line up with yours
I am just as complex
And when you put two complex equations
Side by side with an equal sign in between
You either cross out all the same complexities
Or combine them to make a nightmare of numbers
And I know that you and I, side by side,
Will simplify each other
Our relationship will not be foiled
Because we'll cancel out all our symbols
And leave a beautiful product
That leaves others jealous
Searching for the match that will make them
Just as simple, just as beautiful
Simple as that.

Sink in the sand
the water gliding over your scars
erasing the wounds you once had
what pieces of me do you see?
A puzzle with torn edges
My pieces rubbing against each other
Fading color
He is sandpaper to my flaws
Rubbing them clear
Feelings are reconnecting to the past
Before memories led me to shake like
china glass tapping against one another,
A cabinet of fear
sparkling like bubbling champagne
I feel it celebrate inside me
The burning sensation sliding down my throat
warming my chest
but chilling my bones
So I shake to fight the demons eating away at me
I can't peel away the tape over my mouth
because my hands are too slippery to hold anything tight enough
He holds my cheeks still with the thought
That I no longer have to be so silent
My head keeps trying to curse me at night
But I wake in the company of the sun
And flying planes reminding me of the escape I made
To a liberating freedom from the piece of my body I knew
I couldnt hold on to anymore
I let go
So the wind can carry me into the currents I used to sail
Before I was tied down,
Like a kite jostling in the sky
I am no longer a caged creature thinking it flies freely in the air
The little bird sings sweetly, sadly
As her kite sets loose from her grip
Another flight with no destination
A sailboat setting into the sun.

I feel like I'm just slowly
      
                   F
            A
                   L
                          L
                               I
                      N
             G

A
             P
                            A
                    R
       T

Music is blaring in my ears and my breathing is becoming staggered
You're invading my mind and I need to run
But I can't run from what's inside of me
And I can't run from what I feel
So I listen to the rhythm of my feet on the pavement
Steady, now.
And I match my breathing to every other step
Even though my mind is racing 100 paces ahead
I know it will eventually lose stamina
And begin retreating
But my thoughts have no intention of stopping
No desire to cooperate
And off they go again.

I'm feeling too much
I'm running in a straight line
But going in circles trying to catch myself
Steady, now.
I can only mask my insanity for so long
I can only run for so long before my pace diminishes
Along with my drive to cap my thoughts
I'm being taken over by my own self
Engulfed in an ocean of emotions
That won't stop trying to drown me
I listen once again to my feet on the pavement
And the tempo of my breathing
Ears picking up the echo of my heartbeat
My heart feels so much
But it still beats its rhythmic cadence in my chest
I want my mind to adapt to that same stability
I am running, but from what?
Steady, now.

I'm   so   scared
                      of
            losing
     you.
Please
     Please
          Please
Don't   slip   away
                 Please
           Please
     Please
I   need   you*
  to
      stay.

Curtain dust is like magic falling onto the stage
And the rickety crickety creaking of the aged floor
Holds all the birthrights to the moments constantly being born.

The sea of floating souls do not desire anything more
But to submerge themselves in the waves of the anthems
And underwater they try to bottle the fallen curtain magic.

Wavelengths of harmonies flow through space
Beckoning for a flow, a feeling, a connection between each other
Moments agilely fleet away, but here time is endless.

Once again clinging to the past like a baby clings to her mother
Walking in a straight line I sometimes forget the world is a circle
If I keep going straight I'll find myself exactly where I first started
And going back after walking so far at this point is not what I want at all
How is it I wander back home when I am trying to run away
Does the world shift my straight lines to secretly turn me around?
I don't want to be put into reverse nor do I want to fast forward
Pausing myself and looking around, I find myself somewhere foreign
Like always I shrug and choose a direction to make straight lines in
Fast forwarding and rewinding all the time and never knowing it
Maybe my changing motions make a three dimensional cycle
My straight lines curve in the 5th dimension that I cannot see
Impossible movements from the unknown are my trickery
But somehow I find myself starting over from scratch again
1d 2d 3d 4d all I need is something to correctly move me
I need to direct my path into the right navigations of motion
So program my straight lines and distort the dimension of curveballs
It's time to pause and figure out where I am and where I'm headed.

My heart will tear apart-
But like any other muscle
It'll simply grow back stronger.

I want my heart to stop beating for you
Although I told it to stop
So many months ago
It does what it wants
And it kept on thump-thump-thumping
To the rhythm of you

But this time
What my heart wants and what I want
Are the same thing
It, too, is tired of fluttering for you
So it started thump-thump-thumping
To the rhythm of something new.

If you were notified of every time
I thought of you
Since I got to know you
And I was notified of every time
You thought of me
Since you got to know me
I wonder if our stats would match up
Or be embarrassingly different.

Suddenly, my mind feels broken
          I've realized I am far too
outspoken
    To even think for a little
           That my bones haven't gone
brittle
     Running away from my constant distress
            I'm hesitantly giving in to the devils
caress
     I'm being pressed out of my boundary
             I created an enmity between the world and
me
      So it's safe to tell you I feel anything but secure
             I couldn't say how much longer I think I can
endure
      But my eyes are bright (and smile is fake)
            Aggression is present so they don't see my body
shake.
       One way or another you'll finally see
             That all these things have been eating away at
me
     Then, one by one, my weaknesses will walk into the light
              And at my grave you'll see the girl who grew too tired to
fight.

When you think of me
how far do you think
when the idea of you and me
is placed on a map
waiting for territory to be marked

how far will you leave the permanence
to take up space that was once freedom
now shared
how many roads will be built
leading to us
if there will be any at all

think ahead for me
because thinking about forever
wouldn't be the same otherwise

You remind me of the ocean, your waves circling aimlessly
but when they come to the shore, they come crashing.
I can feel you retracting, always retracting,
it's a statistic with a one hundred percent chance of occurring so
I do not flinch when I see you coming near-
this salt water of yours does not touch me.

You remind me of gravity; you are always falling down.
It's funny to watch you stumble, trying to fly like a bird breaking free from the nest but darling,
you do not have wings.
You are the apple snapping from the tree trying to leap to the basket but missing by impeccable aim, almost
as if you yearned to bruise as badly as you did upon touchdown.

You remind me of balloons.
No, not the ones that float up into the cotton candy clouds and kiss the baby blue sky,
you are the oxygenated balloon, awkwardly laying on the cold tile floor, tilted slightly to the left because you cannot sit up, you cannot hold yourself up right with the constant tug of the string attached to jumble your body. Your weight totters helplessly in defeat.

You remind me of lights, but you are not the spirited warm glow of Christmas decorations.
You are cracked, flashing, the stark, pale, buzzing illumination switching on and off irregular as the heartbeat of a man having a heart attack, frightening as the coyotes howl when you are alone in the woods, your light does not provide comfort. It's eerie as the thick, tired cloud of fog residing at the front of your forehead, tempting you to shut down and sleep. Your light will burn out quickly.

You remind me of a drug, and no, you are not a medicine. You can't be swallowed because you'll burn a hole through a throat before your poison is tamed by the acid in a stomach.
You are too consumed in me, too focused on the control I have over your ocean currents, your laws of physics, the molecules you are filled with, the filter I color you with, I am the drug, not you.
You swallow me dry and I travel into your control center-I am the commander, I cut the lights out, your human mind cannot fight me; I thrive in the dark while you suffocate in it.

I should've built a bridge before I tried crossing your mind
because I'm falling fast with no safety net to catch me.

Your body looks stable, but inside your head
I find you are completely reckless.
Crossing any path you've built in there
is like walking through a mine field.

But I'm looking for heat;
Some sort of explosion or spark
to light up your mind with the thought of me.

And I've come to think that stepping on a bomb
wouldn't be too bad because then I'd scatter
all across your brain and you'd envision me
anywhere your mind wandered.

I'm practically as bad as a nocturnal bug
too consumed in the temptation of the flames
to heed the danger that comes with such a fatal attraction.

Mine fields may be for the mad but I think bridges are for the meek.  
And so I madly walk on wondering when I'll find the right misstep
that will ignite the fire to blow your mind.

I keep telling myself it's okay
But, in all honesty,
That's a flat out lie.
I can't deny it.

If I'm driving to who knows where
If I'm sobbing my eyes out
If I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
If I'm yelling at myself for ******* so badly
If I'm wishing I was someone better
If I'm hoping no ones home to see me
If I'm thinking about how much of a failure I am
If I'm pretending that I can pull it together
If I'm assuming I can break the news without losing it
If I'm sitting in a random neighborhood
If I'm writing this in the confinement of my car
If I'm hoping I can disappear for a day
If I'm completely done with all this trying stuff-

Shhhh, it's alright.
No, it's not.

If I'm set on trying again, I'm an idiot.
If I'm going to practice even harder for next time, I'm wasting my time.
If I think I can do better, I'm lying.

5 times. 3 times....
No more. Please. You'll be okay.
But am I really okay? Do you really think I can ignore the disappointment in their eyes?





*....I didn't think so.

I burnt a bridge that didn't have any water under it.
No numbing temperature to shock you.
No tormenting waves to annhilate you.
No angry current to pull you under.
The bridge let across all the danger that I wanted to avoid.
But now that I burnt it down to the ground all that danger
came crashing down into the safe haven
that was protected by my bridge.
I was told to never look down when you feel inferior.
There was grass under that bridge but I was too blind to see it.
I was too busy looking up at the speeding cars crossing this turnpike.
I was suffocated and transfixed by the high beams of my problems.
I was so busy facing my problems head on
That I never bothered to look down and find the strength in giving in.
I didn't realize the bridge was what was directing the negativity away from me.
I listened to them. Society, that is.
And what a stupid idea that was.
Because they told me to burn my bridges.
They told me to strike a match to them
And watch it settle into an unforgiving blaze
Before walking away without looking back.
But they never told me some bridges were meant to save me.
They never said the real danger could be what was beneath the bridge.
They never warned me about the dam underneath that was ready to burst.
Karma is crashing down onto me like baseball-sized hail.
It's not the boomerang effect coming back around to hit me in the face
But instead the avalanche I created from throwing it too far.
And hitting a wall that was too fragile to be played with.
The worst part is I have no bridge to take cover under in a hailstorm anymore.
And no bridge to cross to get away from the incoming avalanche.
All I have are the ashes of what I thought was hurting me.
But it was actually what was saving me.

a heart beating inside me
leads me to wonder

what other parts of myself
should be beaten

to start working
correctly again.

Time machines would be great
Because then I could go back
And tell myself the things
That I figured out too late.

Here's to the moments
No one wants to remember
Because those moments
Are usually the ones
We remember the most.

You stole my heart
Right out of my chest
But I guess that's okay
I planned on giving you the rest.

You are controlling my mind
To think about you all day
But you'll come to find
I don't mind feeling that way.

But there's rules for you
If you stole my heart
It's only fair I steal yours too
So give me the key or I'll break in

I'll take over your train of thought
For its your time to be taken
Stare at me and try not to get caught
Love is such a sneaky game.

Here's a secret to keep between you and me
In my dreams it's only you I ever see.