they say not to make a home out of your grief
but how do you do that
when she has been the one who’s always there?

i try to pinpoint the very first time i met her-
was it when my best friend left and i refused to say goodbye, missing my chance to ever say it, and now i barely remember her name?
was it when i saw my mother repeatedly cry, behind the sunglasses, amidst large crowds, and all i hear is the shattering of hearts in her shaky words?
was it when i was left alone to take care of everyone else, to pick up the pieces, and to try to make it whole so that the ones after me has something to hold on to?

i also try to recall when she decided to stay-
was it when i was at my lowest and all i wanted was for him to hold me but instead he made me feel like i’m a burden he doesn’t want to carry anymore?
was it when i finally allowed myself to envision future only to have him drop me and realize during the free fall that i was never in his?
was it when the hope i saw blossom in everyone get stolen by a thief in the night followed by the helplessness of not being able to fight back?

and i do is cry
and cry
and cry

but not just for myself anymore.

that’s when grief is the loudest-
when i think about the could have beens
when i realize the impact beyond my bubble
when i start to feel the dark creeping in.

because lately she envelopes me in this unbearable sadness
and im terrified at thought of her comforting me…

because she does
she’s the only one holding me and puts me to sleep at night.

grief has been a constant reminder that i’m alive
and sometimes i find myself reaching for her
just so i can feel something, anything

so maybe grief isn’t my home
maybe she’s my favorite guest
and she can stay for as long as she wants to

siguro nga'y hindi ikaw
siguro hindi ngayon
baka balang araw
sa ibang pagkakataon

can we meet at our spot?
the place where you first kissed me,
the place where we danced in the parking lot

dont worry, i wont ask you to try again
or ask you to stay or hold me
like you did back then

i just want to properly say goodbye,
you don't have to say anything
just look at me straight in the eye

and i will finally say what i've wanted to say-
that i really wanted it to be you
in every possible way

but you're not it so
i'll give you one last hug, one last kiss
and maybe that's when i can truly let you go

i started seeing someone new.
we did the things we used to do-
went to dinner and kissed at the backseat too
and if im being honest, in the dark he almost felt like you.

and i know it's unfair for him and for me,
using each other so as not to feel lonely.
i guess we're settling for something temporary
for a future with anyone, that i really cannot see.

i think the main reason im writing today
is to make myself realize i cant stay this way.
i guess i haven't really let you go, that's all i can say
and i can't rely on someone else in order to feel okay.

i passed by our usual route
and went to our usual breakfast spot.
it's still the same
but somehow different.

probably because you aren't here.
but you still is,
at least the version of you
i was in love with.

i keep looking for him
even though i know he's not here anymore.
i guess i like breaking my own heart
for it reminds me i still have one.

i am truly trying
to let you go.
but at least for today,
can you let me mourn?

for the moments we had
for love we shared
for who you were
for who i was

today i realized im afraid
of unpaved roads- uncertainty
of crashing onto the rocks- pain
of waves dragging me away- losing control
of heights- falling

today my knees quivered at the thought
and i froze at the sight of them
i was unwilling to go on
i was tempted to go back
i almost stayed inside

today, however, i also i realized
that i can face them
with one breath at a time
with a guiding hand
with encouraging words

im not saying im not afraid anymore
but now im more afraid of not trying