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Kiiks Aug 2016
Because I thought I needed you,
I thought that I loved you.

I never thought I could be someone
Who would become so entrapped by the mind of another.
I considered myself to be strong. Independent. Able.

No matter how far we were in distance,
You managed to push me further and further into a mold I'd never fit;
A mold I came to believe I needed to embody.
Because you'd leave me if I didn't, I thought.
And I thought I needed you.

But it was impossible to share myself with you
When I was constantly forced into that mold,
Impossible to feel safe when I was told, "I love you" after you hit me.
It is impossible that I was really loved by a person whose touch caused me to sneak into the shower to clean myself,
and cry.
But still, I always came crawling back.
"I'm sorry," I'd say.
"It's my fault."

Two years later, I know.
It was never my fault you asked me to kiss the floor.
It was never my fault you needed me to tell you,

"You own me."

It was never my fault you forced yourself on me,
And it was never my fault you couldn't take "no" for an answer.
It will never be my fault.

I should not have let you take my dignity, my body, or my person.
But then again, you shouldn't have tried to take it.

Because I thought I needed you,
I know I never loved you.
Kiiks Oct 2015
He is tall, with piercing eyes only for me.
Eluding false confidence.
His soul yearns for togetherness.

Togetherness, once found with me.
Once in love,
But I only carry him now.
We all have someone like this.

I loved him, still love him, and think of him often.
He comes with me everywhere.
I wonder if in my days I will pass him, and if I do,
What will I say?

I remember his face so clearly I can see it every time I close my eyes
And drink that tea he loved.
My life goes on, nuances once unnoticed now keep my wondering mind occupied.

But if I know he is close
Or it is raining outside on my dark drive home.
On a wine fueled rampage.
His memory leaches out my pores almost into my breath
But I stop-

And I call him.
But he hasn’t answered yet.

What if I just show up at his doorstep?
Everything would be okay.
I’d give him the warmest hug he’s ever felt,
Even though he doesn’t want it.

We all have someone like this.
I just hope that on his drive by the beach we first fell in love,
He’s sitting,
Waiting
Wishing
And carrying me too.
Kiiks Jul 2016
Hidden in the warmth of the night,
Hidden by facade,
Pain lies in the dark.

I saw the darkness in your eyes;
Their immediate longing, followed soon, their inability to control.
You didn't stop,
You didn't stop.
Sadness, silence, and pain, finally,
In the darkness of your eyes;

But by then, the darkness had spread into mine.

The light in the darkness of that room,
that unforgiving light.
How it illuminated the darkness of your body,
How it dimmed the light in my heart.

And when you left, that darkness stayed behind.
You don't stop,
You don't stop,
You'll never stop.

— The End —