I find myself feeling lost
in the same place as I've always been
but not knowing where I am.
I feel like I've just awoken today
from a deep slumber
that lasted several years
all of the people, places I've known
have completely changed
some are not here anymore.
All the things I thought I knew
are simply fabrications, memories
the person I once was seems like
she doesn't even exist.
I am angry, sad, depressed
filled with thoughts of confusion
the world is so much harsher
and more rotten than I ever understood.
I have memories of being a child
full of life, excited, curious
gravitating towards love
going after what I want
but slowly over time
the energy that I held
has been drained from my soul
a little drop everyday
the more I age,
the more things complicate,
the more it hurts
my past rosy life
is now blurred from view.

-kk

Today I was thinking about God
and how it must feel
to hold the universe in your hands.
I wonder if the earth to him
is like a small piece of clay
taken between his index finger and thumb
and rolled into a tiny ball
handled with such a delicate touch
as to give each surface
the same amount of pressure
sculpting mountains, shaping oceans
creating infinities
with momentary movements.

Do his fingers slip on occasion?
unbalancing the careful equilibrium?
I've been told that God makes no mistakes
but nothing seems to make sense to us
down below
trying to make a home
on this ever-spinning pottery

I wonder, is his other hand preoccupied as well?
maybe the earth we live on is just one of many art projects
or is our little ball the only one he has invested in?

sometimes I wonder if he knows how it feels to be lost
blindly stumbling through the blizzard
snow flying at our faces and getting caught in our noses and eyes
feeling around for something to hold onto in darkness
trying to be good and do well in a place that is confusing, unscripted
everything we know taught by sheep who call themselves shepherds
when in truth
they are just as lost as the rest of the flock.

-kk

i know i'm not supposed to want you
but i do
if only i had been there sooner
maybe you
would want me too
because most high school love
is circumstantial
and i don't think
she's any better

-kk

hundreds of eyes in my mind
watch my every move
i guess they have mouths too
because they tell me i'm no good.

-kk

then I am the paper.
Scissors were made
to cut through me,
and we all know that
paper doesn't actually
have anything on a rock.

i'm sitting on a bed without sheets
in a half-tidy room
that i didn't finish cleaning
i'm wearing the strangest outfit
a combination of the last clean garments
from my floor
which seems to be playing a game of hide and seek
behind boxes, and clothes, and things i will probably never need
i'm not quite sure if i'm hungry or just tired
but something feels wrong
maybe its a leftover feeling from just having opened my report card
that i fished out of the piles of mail
because i knew i'd have to face it sooner or later
and right now i wish i had chosen later
or maybe its because i've never even kissed a boy
or that everything always feels messy
and unfinished
like this poe


-kk

i try to cry but the tears don't run
i try to feel but the sensations don't come
i am numb.
(but i know the pain is there)
-kk