I love you.
and I'm afraid.
I love you.
and I am ashamed.
I love you.
and Cupid has bad aim.
I love you
and I feel stupid.
is this all a dream?
maybe the type known as lucid.
loving you is unhealthy
because you don't see me the same.
loving you is scary, on the contrary
loving you drives me to insanity
but yet you are my clarity.
your words taunt me
like a game quietly whispering
in my ear in the night
to come and play.
this love is toxic
this love is sick.
it isn't even love.
maybe an obsession.
unhealthy

pried veins. gutted thighs. slashed wrists.
dull blades, first-aid kits, and little droplets
of blood.
burnt fingertips. piercing eyes. racing heart.
the cheap alcohol you pour down your throat at night to numb the pain burns like the intensity of a thousand white suns,
as the sounds of lies and sweet nothings pour into your ears, down the back of your neck causing the tiny hairs to stand on edge, and trickles down your spine.
slit wrists and bubble baths by the candle light.
sinking in further and further
until the lukewarm water creeps out from the edges of the tub. still, the sweet nothings whisper.
prescription pills and suicide notes, tear stained pillow cases.
the bed you once ran to for comfort, soon feels like sandpaper. scraping away at the innocent layers you built to keep others out.
and yet you continue to build.
why? why do you add these layers to yourself?
why are you so afraid of being vulnerable? of opening up? of revealing your true self to the world?
you hide your inner self like you hide your undergarments.
the dark, lace underwear you put on under your dark baggy clothes exemplifies the intricate depths of your desire to be "normal",
and the intricate wonders of the mind.

it was his charm
it was his demeanor
it was his dashing looks
his intellect
that first caught my attention.
most importantly,
it was his words. . .
his words
when spoken
seemed to be complementing me
his words. . .
when spoken,
seemed to draw me in
further and further
deeper and deeper,
until I was hooked.
his words. . .
which tasted like the sweetest of nectar
turned out to be
poison dripping from
his pink padded lips.
I should be used to this
it was all the same
the same old game
now I'm left here
with my heart broken again.

stop reading the old text messages.
they may have been cute once,
but baby they never meant anything
at all.
I know the words that he spoke
may have seemed truthful.
but they were just poison
dripping from his lips.
the venom now embedded
in your brain and heart.
he doesn't deserve you
he doesn't deserve to be
in your head.
nor does he deserve
to be the very thing you think about
before you go to sleep
at 3a.m.
it doesn't matter
that he said he was in love with you.
because it wasn't real.
it doesn't matter
how much you may have
loved him
or how strong your feelings were.
because he obviously didn't care
I know you may think
reading those texts
over and over
will help you find closure.
but I promise you baby
it's doing you more harm
than good.
all it's doing,
is messing with a wound
that hasn't fully healed yet.
it's clear he doesn't give a ****
about you.
and I know it's hard to swallow.
and I know it's hard to breathe
at night when you're up
at 3a.m.
crying with your head
buried in your knees
screaming into your pillow
and choking on your own tears.
thinking and wondering
how someone who supposedly "loved" you
could do this.
you're not quite over it.
you still miss it
I know
don't rush yourself
but don't wait too late
and miss out on opportunities.

one boy, two girls, three hearts.
four tries, five lies, six cries.
seven attempts to die.

seven shots of *****, six bruised limbs.
five pills, four fractured bones
three cracked ribs, two slit wrists.
one reason. . .

looks like love has won again

when you break your arm, you go to the doctor so they can put a cast on it and fix it
when you have a stomachache or a headache, you take an aspirin to relieve the pain
when you were little and you fell or got a paper cut, you would ask mommy to kiss it
and make it better
but what about when you can't make it better?
what about when there's no pill
or magic cure to take the pain away...
when you're broken, heartless, and cold...
what happens then?
what do you do to make it better?
if the drugs are supposed to get rid of the pain, why am I yet to feel relief?
maybe getting high in order to balance my lows is just what the doctor ordered.
there are some things that can't be fixed
with just a simple kiss
life drops countless bombs
and you just hope that they miss..
they say with time the pain eases
to tell the truth, the relief? I'm just not feelin
ups and downs highs and lows
it's just the way life goes I suppose
wondering when it'll all change and if this pain will still remain
the mind is a powerful weapon & I don't ever want to end up regretting any decision I've ever made due to pain

I still catch myself
thinking about it.
wondering how I could've been
so naïve.
how could I ignore
such obvious signs?
why wasn't I good enough?
was I not pretty enough?
was I not skinny enough?

never cheat on someone
or play with somebody's heart.
because everyday
they'll sit up at 3 am wondering why
they weren't ******* good enough.

i tried.
i tried to be everything for you.
tried to be that "special" girl. i listened. i cared. gave advice when i felt it was needed. i tried to give you all of me.
but you wanted no parts.
i fell in love with you. or at least..the potential i saw in you.
you see, i had this crazy thought in my head.
that maybe, just maybe, you loved me as much as i loved you.
that you cared. just enough. or maybe just a little more.
you were my world, but i was never yours.
i vowed to never give so much of myself to one single person.
but something about you changed that.
you see, i saw something in you.
apparently something no one else saw. and against my better judgment, i let you **** me in.
into this godforsaken headspace. that i can't seem to get out of.
and i swear I'm trying, but at times i grow tired of fighting.
the words you spoke left me crestfallen.
and the very words that once tasted like the sweetest of nectar, are now poisonous venom forever embedded in my heart and mind.
my heart, which was once strong, lively, and upbeat, has now become fragile, shriveled, and somber.
all from the one person i held closest.
but you can never say i didn't try.
i tried my hardest. but you wanted no parts.
and now I'm left here on the floor. a fragment of my former self. scrambling trying to find the answers on try to become whole again.
and yet still...you still want no parts.

I miss you. or maybe I think I do.
maybe I just miss the thought of you.
the infatuation
the desire
the love.
or so what I thought it was.
it amazes me,
how something is one thing and the next
minute another.
or how one thing is something
and then the next- boom
it's nothing.
or something completely different
as if.. nothing ever existed at all.
crazy how life works

they say misery loves company
one would find joy in knowing
that others are just as unhappy as they
one would generally want to
overcome depression & misery
escape the treacherous & unforgiving sorrows
but yet somehow..some way
I have grown comfortable
comfortable with misery
comfortable with depression
comfortable with the madness of sorrows
comfortable with pain
I've grown immune -
almost numb
to the darkness
to the pain
it's as if the light never shines
or maybe I just do not allow it
sadness & darkness are like cousins & have made themselves
at home here
they have become
such a comfortable state
comfortable like a cashmere sweater
draped across my shoulders
to protect me from the cold
protect me from the unknown
but something that was once used for protection
quickly turned into something
horrid & threatening
no longer draping across my shoulders, rather causing me to drown without sinking
or dying
but how can something so dark..
treacherous & evil even consider to be "comfortable?"
how did sadness & darkness
become so comfortable?
how can one be afraid of happiness?
I guess it's because I am afraid
of the unknown
terrified of reaching out
I remain in this "comfortable" state
watching others get caught up
by this seemingly alluring comfort
of happiness
and hoping it will soon
find me worthy
and take me upon its grasp
into a new journey of comfort

Depression is...
like a disease
No, scratch that it IS a disease.
One moment you think you're better,
then BAM it hits you like a **** ton of bricks.
Depression is...
a never ending cycle
Like a merry-go-round on a child's playground or carnival.
Your mind spins and spins
round and round; over and over.
Never ending, never stopping
that's what it's like.
You try and try to find your way out,
but yet come up shorthanded.

Depression is...
more than just feeling sad
It's a plethora of emotions.
Yes, you feel sad
but it's more than that.
You feel sad; anxious; alone; angry; lost; confused
you don't have an appetite, and when you do
you eat everything under the sun.
The passion and enjoyment you once found in things,
no longer remains.
Rather it is replaced with emptiness and disparity.

Depression...
eats you alive.
Gnawing away at your innocent flesh.
You become a shell of the person you used to be,
unrecognizable from your friends, eventually your family
ultimately yourself
You don't know who you are anymore, what your purpose is.

Depression...
leaves you broken.
What was once a whole, is now a fragment of broken pieces,
that you just can't seem to put back together.
Your eyes no longer have that glimmer, or gleam, or sparkle
Rather you gain the thousand mile stare.
and you can see the emptiness within your gaze.
Initially, I hated that word...
broken.
Implies that you cannot get better
But that's exactly what depression feels like.
You feel incurable, untreatable.
Everyone says you find happiness within yourself,
but how can you find something that's been lost for so long?

it’s like your old self watching your “new” self, and wanting to help but not knowing how.
it’s like being in a pool, about 5ft. or so, but you have weights tied around your feet. so your head is never quite above water.
and it seems like the more you struggle and the more you fight, the more your head bobs under.
you can’t even float. so you’re just stuck.
some days, you go under.
and you can’t breathe. choking.
as your lungs begin to fill with water.
then suddenly, everything goes black.

it’s literally sleeping all day, and still being tired.
it’s being in a room full of people, and still feeling completely alone.
it’s being told how colorful the world is, and only being able to see black & white.

pain demands to be felt.
it's like your heart hurts
and you can't quite figure out
exactly why.
it feels heavy
yet you still feel empty & hallow
but you still want to cry
your poor little heart out.
but no tears will come.
that's the funny thing about pain...
you always feel..
but can't quite express.

for the longest time I'd convinced myself
that I was in love with you.
you gave me butterflies. sent chills down my spine.
I smiled whenever I heard your name.
you made me laugh at the most juvenile things and set me off at the drop of a dime.
I felt goosebumps whenever I heard you speak my name.
the sound of your voice was like music to my ears.
but then I had to sit back and ask myself...was I really in love with YOU.. or the person that I wanted and created you to be?
I believe that almost everyone has potential. and that's exactly what attracted me to you: your potential.
you tried to put on this act, this front as being some type of "bad boy" to attract girls.
to your surprise, the act didn't impress me.
I wasn't impressed by your cocky attitude or your arrogant ways.
and it seemed as if you knew that & it only made you try that much harder. but I saw past your little charade.
and saw the charm and decency within you.
from then on it was as if you had cast this spell over me.
you had finally lured me into your trap of hoes.
only..it wasn't just your doing. it was mostly my own.
I led myself into thinking you were this caring, down to earth & gentle soul. that you truly cared and were invested in feelings that were not your own.
ignoring all of the signs and red flags of your major ego and narcissistic ways, I stood up for you & defended you.
time and time again.
was this really love? was I actually in love with you? I always denied it to others, but could never really answer to myself.
as time progressed & I got to see more of you, the real you, I began to slowly realize & understand that everything I had thought you to be, was just my imagination.
things changed. arguments were had. and the magic was gone.
there were no more butterflies. no more smiles. no more laughter at the juvenile things.
and now when I got chills, they weren't a good feeling.
I began to question & wonder just exactly who you really were. I questioned why I wasn't goof enough..
what was so wrong with me? why didn't you want to be with me? I can do more for you than any of your ******* ever could.
I had this mindset for years. and then when you left for SC, you took a piece of my heart with you.
because even then I STILL had hopes that maybe we could be.
you see, I thought to myself, that maybe you would see the error of your ways and would want to make amends.
that maybe you would realize what you had been missing out on.
but that fairytale quickly died.
you see, they always warn you about the dangers of falling in love, but never about the dangers of falling for the potential.
that **** is just as bad.
and sometimes even harder to recover from.
falling in love ***** with your heart, but falling for potential ***** with your mental.

Like a tsunami, you came in and engulfed me
into what I thought was love.
Only it was not love at all.
Instead, it was a natural disaster.
Unruly, aversive, and destructive.
Oh, the endless possibilities
that once hindered me,
no longer seem to be.

Once the wounds had been inflicted, like deep lacerations
into innocent flesh,
I knew the picture that was once depicted
of you and I
hand in hand, side by side,
no longer existed.
You caused the pain, the deceit of broken promises,
and comforting lies.
You watched me bleed out, completely.
Incessantly, I still reached out
wanting more
than you were able to give.

You left my heart punctured, bruised, and battered
And have the nerve to ask me,
“what’s the matter?”
as if you weren’t the one
who caused it to shatter.
Still, I had hope.
Hope that our bond would grow stronger, not realizing that we just couldn’t afford to hold on
any longer.
I was the one hurting,
suffering.
While you clung to the title of victim
as if it were your life jacket,
keeping you safe and afloat
during the turmoil that was the storm.
All the while I was drowning in the agony and misery,
of the demise of you and I.

Perhaps, she is everything I never was,
but thought I could’ve been.
Just like you never were what I had imagined you to be.
Maybe the storm was created, to make us  
better people.
Maybe it was designed to prepare us for
future lovers.
Evidently, we weren’t meant to be.

Maybe we were just destined to love one another,
from afar. Across different oceans.  
Thinking of it that way makes it hurt a bit less.
And blurs the “what ifs” & the “could be’s”.

imagine you're in a glass box.
you can see out and they can see in.
you walk around the edges of the box, watching as your friends
shyly smile with the glimmer of pity in their eyes.
suddenly, you notice the box beginning to fill with water.
slowly at first, as if the box had a small crack or slow leak.
then rapidly it begins to fill past your waist.
only you can't get out. and they can't get in. there is no escape.
so they just watch. unsure of what to do or how to help
now the water is just below your chin
to the point where you can just barely keep your head above water.
before you know it, you're choking.