I can't remember everything I said.
I can't remember all the movements or looks.
I can remember the way you smelled.
The way you smiled.
& the things I saw in you.
Some thing inside me told me everything was exactly where it was supposed to be.
You had this look to you, one I couldn't see through.
But I'd **** to get to know you.
You had the most intense ora.
It was beautiful ; it is beautiful.


Now that I know more then I knew then.
I'd **** to get to know you all over again.
I look at you & I truly see you.
You're not anymore damaged then anyone else.
You're not anymore broken then the next person.

You're my weight.
You keep me grounded.
You're my air.
I have to breathe in.

I can't remember when I knew.
I can't remember when I fell.
I can't remember how I knew.

I can't live my life without you.
Now that I know what it's like to have you
To love you.
To know you.*
To need you.

I have wrote word after word and letter after letter stating how much I hate you. How much I hope you feel pain.

I sincerely do not care anymore.
I am not thanking you though.
I am not going to tell you you made the right choice by leaving.
I am glad you are gone though because sooner or later you would of left.
You prevented my daughter from later heartbreak.
When she ask the dreadful questions later that I fear everyday,
I will not once trash talk you, because if I like it or not you are still her "biological" father.
I will also, not lie. I will tell her you left because you are selfish. That she is worth more then wondering why.


Just from me though, you are not a man of your word.
You never stand by the things you say.
You are full of empty promises and broken words.
I will never have my daughter be let down by you.


But the truth is, I hope i can give her the best life, that she doesnt even wonder about you, ask about you, or want to meet you.
I will give her the best life without you.

I am hiding behind the false allegations you keep spitting out.
I am hiding behind this feeling of loneliness.
I know this because when I am alone I'm back at step one.
I never fixed myself, you never helped me get better.
If anything I am worse then I ever was before.
I gave my heart to a man who is already so broken.
I gave my heart to a man who claims he is in love with me.
I gave my heart to a man who isn't sure what love even is.
I was not so empty before you, you are draining me of everything.
You are cancer, you are killing me.
I hear the way you talk about her, I hear the things you would say.
I am not ignorant I see right through you.
If it is not one thing its another.
I swore to you my loyalty.
You swore the ******* same.
But looks who is sitting here in ******* misery.

I was blinded by lies and charm.
Drained by your self hate.
As much as I lacked at seeing
I am the one who made all the mistakes.
Falling in love was a curse.
Falling out of love is the cure.
No more being distracted by the lust.
No more being pulled into your hurt.
You are right I do not need you.
You are right you can not help me.
I was on a destructive past.
I only have to thank you.
Thank you for doing what I did not have the strength to do.
But here I am pulling through.

So literately,
Say you are walking forward ahead of your friends and family.
Your are walking a little bit faster to get to your destination.
Everything in front of you is new nothing you have ever seen before,
but there is no one there with you.
If you slow down your caught up with them again.
Makes sense.
Slow down enjoy the time you have with them.
Don't fall behind you seen all that **** already & no one else is there.
Your alone.
Don't run ahead no one is there for you to share the sites with.
Walk beside them, enjoy them.

I woke up one morning & you were not there.
I still got out of bed.
I came home from work & you were nowhere to be found.
I still walked in & cooked dinner.
I went to bed last night without you.
I did not lay awake last night.
Your name does not show up on my phone.
I still smile when someone else's does.

The feeling of going on without you is scary
Actually it is terrifying.
If the day comes and I have to carry on I will.
I'll walk away from what is not good for me,
because I have enough self respect.
Don't get me wrong I'll fall apart. I will fall hard.
It may take months or years, but I will give it my all.
Even if that is not good enough for you, it is good enough for me.
I'll break down for hours, days, or maybe even months.
One day I wont think about you anymore.
And if you choose to leave, please do not think you broke me.
I wont be broken, I'll just be holding all the broken pieces.
If you decide one day to leave, don't give me a reason.
I won't need your explanation.
Simply know I loved you, I love you.
And if our time runs out
I'll be glad to have had the time with you.
If it ends in disaster know I do not hate you.

Marry me  for tomorrow my never come.
Marry me for this is my only wish.
The stars have never shined so bright.
The mood has never lite up my entire sky.
This world has no guarantee.
There is not a single written rule.
Who is to say we are wrong here.
It is the pull of the earth I feel when you hold me.
Its the touch of an angel when we kiss.
Marry me for this is my only wish.
Marry me for tomorrow my never come.

I'm no longer clinched in the chaos of my past.
Letting go of demons that trapped my stability.
Facing all the trouble of my yesterdays.
Never to sorrow over prior misconception.
The future holds to many vows.
I am no longer a prison of my destructive past.
Modifying my mindset see the beauty in the universe.
Nothing is more horrific then a troubled mind.
Never to let the darkness control my emotion.
I am the only creature to control the conclusion.
I have come to a greater perspective.

I AM ONLY HUMAN.

Everything I did out of being kind hearted, maybe of been more selfish then accepted.
I wanted to win you over, get back what I once admired.
I woke up everything morning questioning my ability to be loved.
You woke up the demons that had been sleeping with misery.

I hate you.

I hate you with every breathe I take.
I hate you with every thought of you.
You took my beautiful life &
turned it into a dark nightmare.
I woke up one morning angry from the night before.
You made me miserable.
Thank you though, I do have to thank you for leaving.
Something I did not have the strength to do.
I look at you now with only regret.
You were the worst part of my life.
But you left the only good part of you
when you left.

It was the way you..
Smiled.
Laughed.
Walked.
It was how you..
Talked with such passion.
Had dreams that stole the night.
Listened to music.
It was because I ...
Couldn't look away from you.
Loved to hear your voice.
It was your...
Touch.
Smell.
Eyes.
Hair.
Style.




It was the way I kept falling not once but every **** time you look at me with those eyes.

She's dark & mysterious.
She's envious & intimidating.
Hiding behind strong structure.
She's strong even when she's broken.
She's looking for some thing inside herself.
She's never fast to judge, she sees the best in everyone.

Her willpower is powered by drive.
Her motivation is powered by life.
Her composure is powered by the past.

She's given herself the chance to love.
She's loving without doubt.
She's given herself the light again.
She's giving herself what she deserves.

She is independent.
She is secure.
She is stable.
She is compassionate.
She is ambitious.
**These are all the things I love about her

My darling, I'm suffering.
My mind is holding me hostage.
My worry is suffocating me.
My darling, I'm trying to hold on.
Patience is running low.
Waiting for redemption.
Rescue me from my past.
I can not do this by myself.
Hold me close when I need you most.
I crave your body & your soul.
My darling, I'm collapsing

You left & made it clear you're not coming back.
I still can't let go of maybe a little hope.
I can't look at you without smiling.
But you keep walking away & I'm drowning.
I can smell you on my sheets.
I can remember your every move.
Baby, I want you saved.
You're worth the wait, but there isn't anything to wait for.
You're to far gone & I'm to deep in.
I thought I was getting stronger,
But I still remember the all nighters.
You're to far gone
&
I'm waiting on a miracle.

I told myself I'm not special.
I told myself it's not personal.
I still woke up & felt just as alone as the night before.
I knew I wasn't one in a million.
I was just the first to the phone.
I must lack all self respect.
I mean why else would I be a mess?
3 steps forward, now i am 5 steps back.
They say "drunk words are sober thoughts."
Now, it's the morning after
&
I'm confused as hell.

You ******* destroyed me.
You ******* tore me apart.
You ******* lied straight to my face.
You ******* kicked me while I was down.
You ******* degraded me.
You ******* torched me for your own good.
You ******* kissed her.
You ******* took my sleep.
You ******* won.
I ******* finally was done.
I ******* got strong.
I ******* built myself back up.
I ******* finally saw your evil.
I ******* finally saw how ****** up you were.

Today I read the letter you wrote so long ago.
You wrote to tell me I was no good anymore.
You were hundreds of miles away,
You were to afraid to pick up the phone.
Would my voice have changed your mind?
Could I have convinced you to stay?
Today I burnt the pictures, the ones you took in Maine.
I watched them go up in flames.
In the letter you said I was your safety.
What am I to you now?
Nothing but a memory.
I wish I didn't reremember you.
After all the beautiful words you wrote
how can I ever believe anyone else.

Because of you I learned to take the easy way out.
You taught me to hide, because no one really cared anyways.
And if you thought maybe they might, they would turn around and use it against you.
You taught me that strength meant hiding behind alcohol and cigarettes.
The problems were masked by the fear that someone might see right through you.
How can someone love someone so damaged?
The only real emotion I saw you display was anger.
You were always so angry.
What were you so angry about? Or was it someone who made you so mad?
Everyone has their own reasons, no one is born angry.
We are turned into beast by experience.
Afraid maybe of making the same mistakes.
The same mistakes your father made.
You hide behind addiction, it is sickening.
I'll look past that for now, to avoid making any assumptions.
I'll tell myself your sick, you are sick right?
This is not the behavior of someone who is well.  
I'll tell myself this is not my fault, it is not my fault right?
I did not make you this way.
It does all come back to me though.
Looking in the mirror and seeing a spitting image of you.
Does that make me sick like you?

I will tell you something dear
you are not as ****** up as you think.
You have broken memories & a guilty conscious.
That is a simple fix honey.
Be the person you want everyone to believe you are,
then you will have to stop acting.
You will have to stop acting dear, for you see
you will then be the man you try to get everyone else to see.
I do not see you in the light you see yourself.
I see you in the light of someone else.
The man I seen laughing at the bar
& as the man I seen by the ocean.
That sweetie is the man, I love.
That my love, is the man you are
when you are not trying so **** hard
to guard yourself from your own happiness.

I have see the man you want to be.
& my god he is a beauty.

The times you have lied.
The many many things you tried to hide.
The ****** up reasons you left me alone.
I gave up all my hope for you,
but something changed my mind.
You fooled me once again.
This time you are not the one to blame.
I was so foolish to believe any kind of certainty would ever come from you.

Come on, spill the truth.
Tell me I don't matter.
Tell me you never loved me.
Come on, let's hear your side.
Tell me I'm ugly.
Tell me I'm crazy.
Come on, scream at me.
Tell me I deserve nothing.
Tell me the world will move
on with out me.
Come on, tell me what I already know.
Tell me you're leaving.
You found someone brighter.
Come on, make it easy.
Tell me everything was a lie.
Tell me I'm a disaster.

I fear being broken because one more time will be the death of me.
I let you in, I let you see the darkest shades of me.
I don't hold back when it comes to you & me.
But can you say the same?
Can you say you love me without fear?
Can you learn to stay?
******* it don't walk away.
I need you I swear I do.
You're a piece of me.
I fear being broken because no more time will be the last.
When I wake up will you still be here?
Laying in the bed beside me.
When I come home from work will there be a note saying "I'm not worthy."
I stare at you & wonder if I'm really what you want.
I know I'm not what you need.
I stare at you in awe from your beauty.
I get lost in you, I stare.
Please give me a warning, if you need to go.
I fear of being broken because it's a pattern.
Break this pattern, break me free.

I promised you when I said forever.
I promised you when I said I love you.
I broke free of my past to love you

Can you promise me you'll stay?
Can you promise me no pain?

*I'll give you everything I am.
I'll give you everything you need.
I'll give you every ******* part of me.
I'll prove to you it's different.
I'll stand in the pouring rain.
I'll stand on the edge of the world.
I'll give you all my energy.
I'll I want is for you too stay .

This is what happens when you let go.
When you become vulnerable.
I'm just a choice you made.
I was on the list of lovers.
I made the cut I see, because I'm the one standing in front of you.
How could I have been so ******* stupid not to see the ******* truth.
Now I sit here wondering if everything is true or false
I wish you would of picked another.
I can't stand that I was just a ******* number for you to call when you were lonely.
I been faithful this whole ******* time to find out in the beginning you were exploring your options.
Now to wonder what's really true.
I have cried so many nights
& you're fine just living life.

I never wished pain on someone, but I hope you never smile.
I never wish hell on someone, but I hope you can not sleep at night.
I hope when you see me your heart burn & you ache for me.
I swear I'll be the "one that got away."
I wish you fail at everything you try.
I hope you never succeeded.
I hope your life is filled with
broken promises and lost dreams.

You came along all of a sudden.
You're slowly fixing my broken life.
I never thought I would find security in a person.
I always thought that was something you found in yourself.
Truth is, no one is safe alone.
Alone is were your corrupt thoughts lie.
You're slowly saving me from myself.
I'm a mess in my own head, but in yours I'm "perfect".
I hide myself from myself because I hate myself.
I hate hating the person I am.
You came long and saved me from self destruction.

I do not love you.

*I love who you want to be.

Striving for perfection.
Living off the satisfaction of my independence.
I am a full functioning adult.
Working and living in society.
But still that is not enough to keep the bad thoughts away.
Where do you learn wisdom?
Find it through experience.
I have lived a life that could **** many.
I am living a life many wish they had.
Still holding back while the
anxiety sets in.
Still holding back because of the lack of self esteem.
Where do I grow from here?

I regret:
Every moment I didn't stare at you.
Every time I didn't grab your hand.
Every kiss that went to quick
&
Every night I fell asleep first.
I wish:
You knew I'd light the night for you.
I'd take all your broken pieces.
You knew Ill forever love you.
&
You were the one that got away.

I don't want this to be another mistake.
Months down the road sitting alone regretting.
I don't want to resent you.
I don't want this to stretch me thin.
I don't want to have to say goodbye.
I'm terrified it's going to break me before it gets better.


I can walk this road alone.
I have done it once before.
I swear though I'll hold on
But you can't fight the indomitable.


We both have a troubled past.
I think that's what made me think I was save.
Turns out you're just as ****** up as I.  
You knew what it's like to feel empty, broken, and defeated.
You're the last person I thought to hurt me.
Look at me now, I'm gasping.


Its not fair that I'm just there.
Its not fair that I feel alone.
I told myself I'd never stay to fight a losing battle.
I feel so defeated.

I thought I could handle your baggage.
Your warned me.
I swore I could handle it.
But turns out I'm not armed for that.

The unknown is the hardest to get through.
Why?
What happened?
When did things fall apart?
What did I look past and not see?
It is clear to me now, there is no victim in this game.
Only two people who are in so much pain.
Two people too willful to give in.

I got to the point were being lonely became a part of me
I was not scared of loneliness.
It was another emotion like sad or happy.
It filled in the empty space were something was missing.


Then you .

I no longer feel for you.
I do not feel sorry.
I do not feel love.
I do not feel hate.
I do not feel bad.
You built this ground you stand on.
You let the foundation crumble.
You broke the lives of many
&
touched the lives of few.

He whispered "Do you love me?"

She screamed "forever & always."