lately i've been spending nights awake and days asleep
because i'm unreliable. the night time is quiet and
at four in the morning almost everybody's asleep so i can
spend my time in solitude and sometimes my thoughts get dark
sometimes i hurt the people closest to me but not on purpose
sometimes my mental health speaks for me in a way that i can't
quite explain but you can count on me sleeping through all the
alarms that i set before we meet at the mall to get coffee that
i don't even want because caffeine makes me throw up but
i miss the outside world and i'm sick of my bed but when i leave
i just want to be curled up in a ball underneath a pile of blankets
and asleep, a million miles away in dreamland, the closest
i will ever get to outer space because i'm not really good at science
and i barely passed grade eleven math but in my dreams i can
kiss the stars and i can fly, i can travel through time
sometimes the dreams turn into nightmares
sometimes they get too real
sometimes they last for too long
my subconscious doesn't trust you to say the least because you're
always in my dreams, hurting me in the worst ways possible
and maybe i haven't quite forgiven you yet for all the things you have
put me through, despite my various attempts to move on
there's a bitter hatred that curls around your name whenever it
tears through my throat, rotting my teeth and turning my tongue
dark black but it's only because you weren't wrong when you said
soulmates are real, you are mine and i might not be yours but
i will never be able to forget the way you made me feel and
my days on this earth feel limited, i could die anytime i fall asleep
but i'm no different than anyone else, our probabilities of death
are all the same. it's one hundred percent guaranteed to happen
and the only people that know what happens after you die are
the dead and unless you've got a dead friend willing to share the
answers with you, i don't really know how to get the answer to that
question unless i **** myself but i haven't decided just yet if knowing
the answer is better than living, would you take the blue pill or the
red pill? do you live your life knowing nothing you do matters because
at the end of the day, you're going to be forgotten in a thousand years
anyways and no one will even remember your name and i've always
hated my name so i often ask myself, why not just get a head start?
cons: there are people on this earth that i care about, and who care
about me. there are things i have yet to experience and things i've
never seen. things i've never touched, smelled, heard, or touched.
i've always believed in fate
but lately i've been thinking i took the wrong path

My obsession over being wanted came from never feeling wanted.

learning how to forget the pain caused is the worst pain of all

what's so wrong with me
that i can't hold on
that i'm just to fragile
that i can't be strong

why do i feel this
teary eyed feeling
like i'm about to cry
but my tears don't matter

like i need to get even
but with whom will i do that?
like i need to change something
but what do i change?

this feeling is so deep
i don't know what it means
do i need to cry
or do i need to say something?