Was it the fitful dreams
Or maybe it was the annoying flies
Persistent in their touch and go
landings
On the tip of my nose ..that opened my eyes
To be met
With the reality
Of a pillow drenched with sweat
From my bedraggled saturated hair
As that may have been more the cause
That rousted me into this sweltering putrid air
Not even the ceiling fan was moving
As the power had been pulled 2... or
Oh... who knows....... a few days ago
Outside the grimy fly spect window I could see
The rainbow bedazzled sailboat sail
Gently moving across the placid aqua blue water
From up here on the second floor  
I could see the entire lake is it stretched away
To seamlessly blend with the baby blue sky

Closer in along the shoreline a dozen little kids at play
Content in their animated movement as they skittered about
All brightly dressed little 4 or 5 year olds
Reminding me of gumballs as they spilled out of a torn sack
Watching carefully were the parents or guardians
Posted in somnolent but  wary guard duty
Along the peremater wall of park benches

Along the bright green manicured ground
Brightly colored and abstract blankets
were scattered around
Where people sat or lay back
To watch the lazy movement of cotton fluff clouds tracking north

Standing there taking this all in
I noticed two dead flies that had crash-landed on the windowsill
Victims of that invisible barrier to freedom
Good I said to myself  out loud
As I hoped one was the kamikaze who woke me from the sleep into this
Although I had to admit the beauty
All that life - Love - happiness and fun
Was something special to see  for
certain
And I stood there sweat drenched
Overheated and overcome by the overwhelming desire to close the ****** curtain
So that's exactly what I did
And then lay back down with laced fingers behind my head
To stare at the ceiling and the fly that wandered around and around the  motionless ceiling fan blade
And I was ....
Powerless to do anything about it

Just what makes us think
perfection ...
is something we should strive for
some sort of goal
something we need
to make us whole
something that we're missing...
thats beyond our control
what makes us think there is such a thing
Or that we deserve it.

I don't know
if any of that is so
or if I ever had the chance
to ever really know
because I have not had
a life ...
for me to live

I had one for someone else
to control ....so...
I guess you could say
that I was out of control
but I wasn't perfect
never thought I was
I just had to counterbalance
in such a way ..as to stay
somewhere near the center

So feeling  that way
Created in me
a need to succeed
I had to seek perfection
in everything I've done
or I would have quit.. the game
long long ago
and that again
would have been out of my control

What makes a driven ego
Be
by trying to survive
for

creating a need
when someone else
has put on the brakes
trying to make sure that
you never
arrive ...
...at any destination ...
anytime or any place
It didn't matter
where when why or what      
how arriving there
without their God in my pocket
Could somehow be
some sort of disgrace..is
Idk because once again
That should not have been...

...Out of my control

now I'm left sadly empty
trying hard not to fill back up
with remorse anger or regrets
because if I was a mess before
and didn't know it
to do all that
would be the end
of all antes and all bets
as this game has no Bluffs
or any winners
it.... sure.... like....
seems that way to me
in or out
that's all it's about

just how far down there
Will they allow themselves to go
When there is no other teams

ldk...I walked away
long long ago
Without knowing
where I was bound
but what I didnt know
was just how hard
they had a hold
trying always and forever
To do anything they could
in dragging me down

so I'm glad that I was
always able
to keep me at least close
to the Center.... of Perfection
or as close as one may reach
in order to be able
finding something
to strive for
So  Im  aware that
somehow I was given
exactly what I needed
to keep me on..... going on
Finding a reason for livin

because  although there is no
such thing as perfection ...except maybe
as a check on ... a reason for
a counter- balance
When a life is
  predetermined
  to be filled with nothing...
.. but rejection
from those who were
suppossed to  help you
find direction .....
....not to make sure that you get lost !!

Loneliness often
comes
with depression tagging along
as they conspire
to completely unwire
the security systems Within...

Their bag of tricks
has
within its mix
what it needs to affix
unconcerned
with whom it afflicts
or those it restricts
by Monumental repercussions

turning any or all minor discussions
into a world of hurt
where all involved
try to skirt.. the edge
that is crumbling beneath
those suddenly so clumsy feet
until that ring..
..so tentatively held is abruptly dispelled
Bringing
all involved - nothing solved
To a mind shattering halt
With none at fault

Just a slip a loss of grip
to fend for themselves
as they each reach out
To clasp onto
with an anchoring grasp

Desperate to pull themselves up and out where they will gasp
and often weep
While looking on
is loneliness and depression

Patiently waiting
for the outcome to provide
new clients
As  sadly they have come
to a reliance on us
when our stubborn Pride
Undenied ..yet set aside

When we abandoned those in need
in order to succeed
In saving ourselves....

Did we......?

They have
such heavy reliance
on compliance
that they have come..
to believe
it is a science
a simple formula
little of this little of that
and it's all done
in seconds flat
but when...
.... someone reacts
in
a non assuming way
definitely the lab explodes
and everything is gone
their oath their civil codes
they will drop the pretense
of them believing in
American values
their eyes turned cold
and their shoulders tense
they then will resort
to lies and abuse
with all those watching
without seeing a thing
until Hands-On
comes into play
they will then have one big
then they will all have one
they will have one
and do they know
that there was no excuse
for the escalation
then together
they will
bang holes in the Constitution trampling on the Bill of Rights
Anytime a citizen still  has faith
in the  institution
doesn't realize it's the truth ..
. they seek to indict.

Sometimes.....
... the shortest way back
is the longest way round
sometimes ...
the price of success is that
to which we find ourselves bound
sometimes ...
the things that we've lost
were those things we never found sometimes ...the way....
..... to Rise Above It All
is to ALWAYS
keep.our feet on the ground

SO faaaar
The distance
Between
does...not..
..seem to exist !

It's not those creations we're so proud of
Or those ideas we perceive
Not our wonderful childrens public persona
Not the lasting impression we hope to leave

It's not an endowment
Or business built by love
Not the tree we planted in the yard
Or the peace inspired painting.... of a lovely dove

Don't get me wrong I have no cause
To diminish any or all efforts you pursue
I applaud  all good intention, success or fail
And all the things that you will do

I just believe it's not the things we create
That are to be what is thought of....as  our real desire
To leave for a marker as to who we were
As much as it will be our real Empire...
by way of those things...that we do inspire

We may never see...and yet...maybe...

Don't be scared
Life is many tiered
Layer upon layer
Is what makes you who you are
And in my eyes you will always be
A superstar
I knew you long before
You figured out who you are...
that needs to be shared ...don't be scared.

I ain't looking
for no instructions
no friendly faces
or interdictions
I'm not in need
Don't need your adorations

From now ....until
The end of my incarceration
"No need to utter ...cluttered inanities
Like how 'you FEEL me!' "
GRRRrrr..ain't no way
that that can be!

There is no words
that ever will free me
From this restless soul being ...
...that it would seem....
            ....I am.... deemed...
to be!

I remain ..the constant ....
...intermittent  
That endures the missing time
that time takes away from me!

I ain't looking ...for no instructions ....

When I reach out for you
And you're not there
I feel myself shrinking ...sinking
Into a deep abyss

When I turn to say something to you
But you're not there to hear
I feel myself falling - calling
Out to the one I miss

the sun no longer shines
where I walk where I walk where I walk
but I cannot turn around from where I'm bound where I'm bound where I am bound!!

I find my self on a slippery *****
going down without a hope
Of  ever catching my-self a breath
Or anyone
ever
throwing me a rope
a rope...A rope...A Ro o o OPE!
there is no hope....NOOooo! NO ,,,,HOPE!!
  these dark days  the wind never blows
upon my back... upon my back
I have to hunker down and fight my way
ev er y step
Towards  those places
where I am bound
TO where I' am bound...because
the sun
no longer shines.....
Where Ever I walk!!!
Dark Days.

Somewhere somehow someone
Concluded
That it's okay
To allow the water to be polluted
As long as it's downstream
From the elite and privileged classes

And if they please
They mow down the trees
Ignore the sign and pay the fine
Amid smiles and afflicted laughter
The glasses ring with a fine crystal ting
And they reset the finish line...
.... yet another time

While somewhere deep inside
Mother Earth shudders and sighs
Hope is torn loose from the truth
That no longer matters or applies
Serving as an example ,how to trample
The garden into total submission

There among the silage
Groomed the scarecrows of foolish dreams
Earthstained relics of past follies
And erstwhile fallen schemes
Where lost rumors bend fables
Out of scattered tales of woe
As tumbled foes aligned in rows
Defeated by the midnight mists
Stilted ...wilted to be bowed by amorous winds

I have no outline ...
  ...no routine inclinations
No pattern I could...ever
    Draw out any delineations
From the footfalls
Clacking
In dwindling oppression
Subject of occlusions
Long ,tall or deep
Ever crowding
In effortless blocking
What memories fight to keep!!

WHATS IN FASHION
IS...
THE DREAMS OF THIS GENERATION
IN HOPE
THAT THIS NATION
CAN MAN ITS STATION
IN THESE....
.... ESSENTIAL TIMES
WE ARE FACING
TRUTH IS A DYING BREED TO THE FALLEN SEED
OF A WITHERED ****
THAT RESTS ITS PEACE
IN THE BATTLE FIELD
WHICH FACES EAST
TO A RISING SON
THAT COMES SEEKING
POWER
TO BE HONORED
BY MANY WHO SHALL NEVER KNOW PEACE
IN THIS LIFE
OR IN THE WISDOM THEY ARE AFTER
BUT I SHALL HOPE .

I REALLY DO MISS OUR
         MISSING 51st    
state, now that its gone...
  I realize how beautiful
  the state of bliss really was!

There is no reflection
Like that which comes from rejection
First you use projection
To push out and blame
Then you try to stake out a claim
With statements like I don't care
I was about to walk anyway

But that night or a few days later
As you lay there waiting for sleep
That's when your mind begins to stray
Try to pull it back and away
Or drag your mind around the corner
Then an hour later you realize
For some time you've been wandering
Down the path of truth
So you try try and try to get back to the LIE
You know what I'm reminded of ?
Those times when you're watching the TV
You realize the windows reflected light is center screen
Obtrusive in it ability to be right where you want to see
Try as you might you can't ignore it
And then suddenly it's back....
..IT'S BACK!
So you did manage to find rejection
Of that intrusive projection
Somehow  ignoring that annoying reflection
As long as you didn't know you knew
Then that problem was something you could look right through
For as long as you didn't let yourself know you own it.

Lunacy  zigs and zags...
...across time and history
like crudely sewn patches
On the knees ...
...of childhood dreams !

Ain't got the time
To explain anymore
Where I will be....when
I exit through that door

Its' not for you to care about
So go ahead  scream and shout

   I learned to not listen a long time ago
  When it turned out that you were not somebody that I used to know
But now I am afraid that I'll end up doing the same
thing to me
and then who the hell would I have to blame


I won't let that be my fate
But I got this feeling that
      I've waited too late
To draw the line that can separate
to draw the line that can separate
who I once was and who I am today

Implicate-evaporate
  Hesitate ...
...till you replicate
One To stay and one to go
One to think  
And one to know

We won't be able to cooperate
  Nor will we be able to collaborate
  Just another dead soldier they choose to decorate
And the next time we see me will be when we open up the crate
And that is
Way way too late to change my fate

I'm going where I'm going when I exit out that door
And where I'll be is...
just not for..
...you to know

But I just got to go...I got to
While there's even a chance

Sometimes I fear that our only hope
is those who can are extending the rope
to see how far the degradation exists
while keeping copious and up to date lists

She came a kickin through the doorway
Just sbout  as mad as I've ever seen
her hair was on Fire and she smelled like gasoline
She was spittin out words at a mile a minute
I tried to intervene with a word or two
But I couldn't even squeeze a syllable in between
But it seem to have something to do with her daughter...  Delta Dean
who had just barely turned 17
And just as pretty as a vine ripe  peach
And I know that you know
Exaaactly ...what I mean!

I  figured it was probably some young stud
Who decided to see if he was tall enough to reach

Whoever he was
trying to see if he could get into that tree
I kind of feel sorry for ya
whoever you may be
I can't imagine Colleen
Puttin up  with anyone to trifle
And I imagine she's up there now
searching up and down looking all around
Fit to be tied and ready to rip off my hide
If she cant figure out where I might of hid
Her daddies old rusty trusty squirrel killin rifle I mumbled out a prayer
up under my breath
I don't know Who You are
but if you have any sense
you'd be scared to death
A making Fast tracks for getting out of the state
or out of the county
at any rate
and then I heard her coming back down
When she stepped on that old creaky step
went up in a rage but came back down
Much more sedate
earrings in her hand and I guess
that she saw that strange look on my face
so she kissed my cheek
and she said I don't know if I can take it
she wants to drive
and  that's okay
but she got my diamond stud earring
and I got to wear these of little old pearls today
As she was Heading out the door
i started to let myself say
Pearls Before swine
but at the very last second
I grabbed my tongue  
And I changed my mind ......



What the hell were you thinkin ....
   You been drinkin ?No!   Well maybe we outa be
Cause that was too close .

If you wanted to be...the ocean
But find you are not but a wave
One of the many in an ocean full
Consider the fate that did not make....
              ...you a splash in a kiddies pool
So be a wave of full on evaluation
Of all earned worth and consideration
Wash clean the beach of rocks turned sand
Across the eons they churned that span
And pound the beach with unrelenting force
While carving stone in artistic  division and divorce
You may think less the station in life you possess
While all around the world are these trickling streams
        carving while pounding surf haunts their  farthest dreams

Some believe
Some doubt
Some pray
Some Shout
Some live
Some survive
Some rise up
Some take a dive
Some rejoice
Some abstain
Some imply
Some refrain
Some accept
Some deny    ....But
when you
unknowingly
stepped  on that ant
did it see God in that moment
where we really can't
see the existence of....
     though  we insist we can
While we still seek to see
  wonders
in some...far-off
wondrous place
Whereas I can see God
simply by
holding my hands...
....up
..... in front of my face !

few things exist
in man-made terms
that cannot be rebuilt
yet , with deep regret
I believe I am witnessing
what very well may be..
.. the slow demise
right before my eyes
that most critical one ...
..of the few!

Then: ..when! ...what?
how do we reestablish?
any excavation of...
...without means to recognize
or understand any remnants found
..for what they really are?

Without the tools to reassemble
what our collective ancestry
formed
by sticks and stones
pain and perseverance
add- ons and detractions
Acceptance , Needs, Failure
When once not wants
flies fowl of foul
those lies left of rites
when wrongs became
the claim of rights
by might of might

Kings and Knights
as darkness dons
the errant plights
that the light of dawns
healing rays
again and again
allows mankind to raise
what man(un)kind
manages to raze

Yet ...so easily we can now see
through histories window pains
all that is lost
all that it cost
the forward progress ...
..through understanding
naught wrought by force
or one voice demanding

As cities rise from ashes
again and again
settlements become cities
civilizations become nations
while ancient mysteries fade
into histories...
...darkest abyss
some we still honor for value
to fan flame the light upon those
we happily dismiss

Few are those things
Built by the hands of mankind
that cannot  be reconstructed
by the tools man had in mind to design

And  yet ...here I sit
in adamant descent
through fervent lament
by all decimation seen
wondering how we will find
any way to reset
when we've bent and rent
every rule,  tool and...
school of thought
if no one cares to be ...
...or not to be ...a Rose

For that is the answer
soon to be lost...
..beyond questions.!

*** please please forgive me
If I seem to take us for granted
Sometimes it's just so easy
You think that having roots...
... Means that life is truly planted
I can see now what I wasn't showing
Like anything meant to continue growing
I am guilty of neglecting the weeds
And all the work it takes to keep up with your needs

I'll pay more attention from now on
As you get to know our fresh new flower our daughter
While I get to know and show our son how it should be done
What to do when  the dry and dusty foundation of our life...
....needs attention and water

Don't know where my head was
But it wasn't where it should have been
That was a boy that thought all it takes is to plant the seed
But it's the man I now am who  knows that's where my life really did begin

I would be remiss
in not admitting this
I am not
the antecedent
antithesis
of all that forms
my being
from feeling to failings
Loves or loves lost
cheap victories that came at such a high cost
people remembered
and those that did fade
debt owed to friends
that never were paid
Things I've learned
passed up or passed on
creating value earned
or cheap victories won
That I really lost
Because they came
at such a high cost
when i should have
sat down and shut up
or times that i sat out
when I should have
stood up or stepped in
just like those places
ive said that ive been
that i only passed through
passed by, over, around or up yet believe ive been to
So with all this said
How do i know i am not
the antecedent
antithesis
of all these
from which i am formed?
Simple answer is : Because
I grew once i knew I was reformed.

Stopping by the grammer store
I  bought a few pronoun bars to strengthen up my descriptabilities
A variety of verbs
To alter the activities
My proclivities ....
...in danger
of being denounced
renounced by pronounced
Excommunication exultation
Forming on the vestigages of
The voice once possessed
Now seemingly at rest
Unsuitably impressed by
The nothingness of
any redressed grievance
When sentenced to question
Ones own viability ...
reliability or inspirability
Without pardon ...
I left with a full bag
of prepositions as i wandered and wound my way  home  ...
Never knowing of the hole
Where in my wake
i left a trail behind me during
before and after ,up against
Over and through ,near ,for among and between here and there i lost them all but one
Hanging half out without knowing where at

Maybe ... D democracies
should be seen
like starting the work day
outside in the cold
and finding
only two left hand gloves
sure
they will work
a little bit discomforting
not at all
the enjoyment
one of each would bring
but that's the thing
it's not what you get used to
that the power should come
it's that should be ...
Far and Away
down the list
of the things
in memory
that you might honor
not as one of the things ...
of those things ....
you simply dismissed!.

If I could look back to-morrow
And see all the places I've been
Not  wrapped up in pain  ...
....nor drowning in sorrow
buoyantly bouncing along ....
......behind me
on all the hope that I......
.. Had ever been able to borrow
If i examine each one
And find out that none
Gives me reason to run
Away
I then would consider
That my life it did glitter
like  Stars will do ...
..whenever  you
Learn to accept
It's when
the sunlight grows thin
And the darkening night pushes in
then and only then
  That the sparkling lights can begin
To show just how big the universe is that were in
And like my life
the darker it gets the more lights  seem to be lit
Or so it's seems anyway...
... but thats wrong.
.. You see the darkness
does not make the light grow strong
Or the universe expand
just shows who we are where we live
And Where We All Belong
As  the light doesn't mean
that
everything can be seen
By proving it too is there
Right where it has been all along

So if I can look back tomorrow
And see all the places I've been
I'll know then .... exactly where I fit in

I love the way
her hair creates
a mysterious land
of shadowy depth
As it falls across
  the outside
corner of her eye
As that accentuates
those cool pools
glistening eyes of mordant green
Inviting the overheated
The physically depleted .
A respite  an oasis
Right at the entry
Of that shadowy mystery
Like a fairytale forest
I want to get lost in that woodland
haunting beauty and waiting mystery ,
but alas  i dare not trespass
Time may find a chance perhaps
For now i slip silent into the cool
Of the eyes so green where i can float
Where i may swim or Then again
I could just dive deep
never to resurface
and still...live a hundred lifetimes
In the beauty of her face... .your face!

I placed an order with my brain
to refrain
from seeking  out
childish pavbacks
Stop believing I can walk  through life
without my leaving any tracks
always resist the need
to prove
your thoughts are actually facts  
visual eyes
how easily we turn blind
our mind
to accept not -as it distracts
so half-empty or half-full
matters not if oblivious to that glass
and all the cracks
you can pour
forevermore
in a futile effort
feigning ignorance to all that
your life lacks
by lording over those without
do you gain a measure of pleasure
as  empty sacks
it doesn't raise your value
near as  much
as the doubts
in the eyes it often attracts
so to  reside inside
a pristine facade
built
to avoid seeing your life
and all it impacts
your core ...
... when more
concern is placed upon you
by way of how a stranger reacts
  is the incalculably high price
soon  paid
by the actor inside
who believes that their life
is perfect
and we are the critics.
bent on .....   personal attacks.

I am slowly slipping
my fingertips
no longer gripping
all progress
in regress
and i do feel
a need to confess
that i base my decision
on a questionable guess
but then without more
then that's it  
naught  else to address
nothing more
nothing less
than a wordless postmortem
as  it takes its last breath
then goes to find  out
if there is life after death!

she truly  loved him
His name was George
she watched him spin
in elliptical gyrations
rising higher than ever
she watched him go
shearing off the turn light
before flying
pedal perfect
through the shield
then to fall....under the wheels
stopping the monstrous advance
Oh God ! she thought as she watched
what a grand departure friend
A Tribute to
the partnership we did forge
I really loved our time together
she whispered past flowing tears
good-bye my friend...my bike...
..my hero named GEORGE!

The life of a human
Is a short time span
So we do need to look quick
at all we can ..
at all the things
that ...
..might be missed
any of which
could be
something that
should  have ...
...been
on your list
and just might be
the thing
that could
have
gotten you
past ..
...that...
...which
you needed ...
... to ...
.........resist !! .

Row me along a path of...
least resistance ...and in my wake
I will leave no sign of passing

Row me through the rocky rapids
and in my wake ...
I will leave only my fear

Row me down a sheltered stream
and i will slow to watch the world
and all its beauty

Row me out into the vast
and endless ocean ..and I will be lost
without direction
So that is why ....i think of you as ...
my love ...and my Compass !
Row me home!

I cried out
to my demons
won't you- won't you
won't you please.... let me be
I've always known ...that
I would die all alone
but at least let me be
let me be....free

the cost
cannot be compared
to the pains of others...that i have shared
I cared
and I've had to say goodbye
too many times
too many times
for anyone ...anyone
in one lifetime of despair

won't you won't you please
  let me be
simply do as I have done
and forget all about me
pretend
that I
I am no longer around
tell everybody
I just cannot be found

all the  places I have haunted
and the ghosts
that I have shared
shared all the wounds
that I've encountered
so why is it now
that I have been spared ?
okay ..okay...OKAY !
I see how it is
life wants to continue
to punish me ....to punish me

so I live day after day
and I die
night after night .
when I feel so cold
as cold as stone  and all alone
Sometimes it seems
even to me
even to me even to me
I seem to be out
out of my mind
out of my sight

Children are crying.....cause the world is dying and
no one seems to care
lust and confusion ...
is the Grand Illusion.. and it's creeping up everywhere

the elders neglected ...and the
guilty protected ..by the
laws made for us all
no one is giving
everyone's living
behind a great stonewall

Resources depleted... and our honor defeated ...by the
short-sighted  side of man
****** and scraping
the world that we're shaping
Is NOT..
...going according to plan

fighting and killing
the graves we are filling
are holes in our sanity
preaching and teaching
we're not always reaching
because of our own - vanity
be - cause of our own...van - ity

Question that.i am asking ..is
Are all these things that we're tasking
Going to still be around
tomorrow ......forever

So how many more  
do we
really have remaining
When the past.... that
we thought. we had
left behind us
is steadily gaining


..if there is ..no answer
Then there
must be no question
And if there is ..no question
Then it must be....that we
Are not asking
What can I do ?....
       ....right here and now
Instead of saying
I just dont see how...
I can.make ...any difference

Try accepting the truth
Is NOT so hard to realize
That it's so easy to see
If you quit saying I can't.
And then simply ...
open. you're.eyes
Open your eyes....
... And just take
a good  look around.!
....

I fell
lost and forlorn
upon
the grief stricken
darkness ladened
Time braided
,minutes and hours
While she lay
in chill surround
Far away from
All things familiar
I like to think
I feel her energy
I must believe
She lives to see me
To cry out in mournful relief
At my arrival joyous wailing
Not the bellowing of my own grief
When this morning i return
To the vet and hope my baby
Was not in need of all  my woes
Of my long night
of overflowing  concern
Yet.....
Im scared to death
of mornings light
And what will be the things i learn

"Please Oh God of  love.....don't......"

I'm looking forward
not to fall on my face
as that would only
add more pain
to all that I've lost
oh how can I
ever pay the cost
when there's no valuation
that could ever suffice
not everything
in life
not everything in life
has.  to.   have a price
some things are priceless ..
...especially when it's lost