I'm afarid
To run
Away
Because
I'm afraid
You won't
Chase me.

You were wrong about me…

You were
Wrong
About me

And I am glad I realize this now
Because you would never have been the one to admit it
And now I am done
You gave me nothing
Except snide remarks

You never had a good thing to say
        Never had a kind word leave your lips
  That is until it was greased with black velvet

Then and only then
They pour out, slurring and sloshing
Like the last drink before bed

Only your words don’t come with ice
Like your ***** have to

But some times
More often than not
No words are said at all

For more than a year at times
Nothing was said

No Happy birthday
No merry Christmas
And least of all
A Hello

So now that I have spent time without you
Out of earshot
I am starting to see how wrong you were
But I am also seeing you for who you are
You are no longer the reflection
Looking up at me in the broken glass
                              I had to swept up from the floor
You aren’t the spontaneous, Unreliable
Dad who goes out and buys a sailboat

No instead I see who you really are

Hurt, Scared, Defensive
Only you can’t raise a child  at arm’s length
I can relate to your child hood
After all I too know what its like to try and sift pearls of wisdom from the fountain of inebriated words pouring from a parents mouth
Maybe I just got better at it than you
It takes time and you generally just end up with handfuls of ash but every once in a while you see the shimmery white bead of wisdom standing out from its dark surroundings



I do not
In anyway
Condone what you did
Do
But there comes a point that I realized
Part of where our relationship being muddled messed up and painful falls to me
It is not my fault you did what you did
But it was mine that I expected any different
  A bad night
  Ending in tears
  Harsh words and slammed doors
  And profuse apologies the next morning
  The usual every other court mandated weekend
None of which my fault
But the four-hour car ride home
In which I usually decided to forgive you...
     That was
I should have never believed after the second or    
    third time that things would change
After the eighth or ninth
    Or when I lost count
I gave you second chance after second chance
Hoping one day that old ugly saying wouldn’t be true when I woke up the next morning

That saying being:
“I have three priorities
*****
Smokes
And my truck”

I guess I can’t fault you for being honest but when you said sorry and you looked so sincere is when I wanted your honesty to come through while in actuality that’s where it faltered

So it’s not worth me holding a grudge
Getting back and trying to get even

When you hold in all of that poison it hurt you more  
  than who you hold the grudge against

So
   You were wrong about me
I thought you should know and one day if you don’t yet, you will see that
One day I will look back and see how wrong you were but not resent you for it
It's when I realized this I started to forgive you
It may not be okay what happened
But I will be okay so I can’t waist myself on being angry, it only hurts me


So you know what dad

I forgive you

I'm falling in love, but I'll never deserve you
for these ignorance-drenched things that I say
My mind grasps at phrases with which to approach you
                     But words only get in my way

I've never met a heart so beautiful
I wish my words could explain
my feelings for you, so deep, so simple
                      But words only get in way
                                                          ^my­

Do you even know what I would say
If every word became a flower?
My dear I'd have a rosebush to give to you.
Roses of every color.
Red for the I love yous
Yellow for the jokes, even the ones that were only funny because you said them.
Especially those ones.
Pink for all the honesty we shared:
About our future,
What we wanted,
What we thought.
White, though, for the perfect moments when we lay side-by-side
And told each other things no one else ever knew.
And learned things about ourselves we never imagined were possible.
Every feeling would sit safely in the leaves:
Our hands touched,
Our eyes met,
Our hearts beat together for the first time.
The flowers would be worth the thorns...
The tears.
Their beauty worth the pain.
And I promise our roses will never die.

You still cross my mind more often than I'd like
Like today
I want to cry
for want of you

It makes my heart squeeze
Have you been warm enough
these past cold nights?
Or have you been driving, always driving
in your longed-for leather jacket?
Does your subconscious [heart] ever turn the wheel toward us?

Then I think of who may have kept you warm
That makes me flush with anger
and a bitter taste fills my mouth

with the metallic twinge of blood
I spit out your name

It is not my care anymore
How warm
Who warms
You
Are
Not
My
Concern
[Care]
[Possibility]
[Hope]
Anymore

the next day

Time
it flows
Today I am more distant
I know I should give up on you
You are not as magnificent as I thought you were
even Yesterday
Or you wouldn't have hurt me
us
you
so
Yes I know you must be hurting too
Or... at least I hope you do
Selfish thought but
I don't want to seem so trivial in your mind
though I wish I could make you trivial in mine
Then I might be able to
Move on
But today I know I should
We'll see if that happens

the day after that

You were never really mine
And Yet I feel you were stolen from me
By whom?
By him?
By them?
By you.
I know it's unhealthy
but still
I curl up in bed at night
And sigh
What some might think
Relaxed
but with a deep Sadness
All I can think is
"It was you tracing hearts on my back
with your fingertips"
Not the other way around
And I wonder if I'll ever feel your touch
Again

after three gin & tonics

I am an adult.
I will hold myself together when you walk in
I will not manically plead with your best friend
"why doesn't she want me??"
Fluctuating
Breaking down
Being mature
There is no reason
my
... discomfort
should bar you from fun.
Except I still want to break down
Typing this and putting a fake smile on my face
Like all is right
Going to **** the dance floor with
My heels
My pain
My tears

and later

I hate you
No
I hate me
In a voice more raw from
Smoke or emotion, I'm not sure
Wipe away your thin black tears
Go home
Don't be a sniveling *****

She wasn't meant for you

five days later

Silly, silly me
Thinking my Life empty without you in it
We spent more weeks Without you
Than with You
I hope you're happy
Wherever you are
And with whom
And with who you are
If ever you feel
A You might mesh with an Us,
Come find us
Until then, this pity party is over
Teardrop confetti dusting the Floor
Balloons, and Heartache, released [relieved] into the Atmosphere
My Life is full, even when my eyes couldn't see it through the Haze of my tears
Blessed be, dear one. <3