a few months ago,
you asked me: "What is love?"
As you can see,
it had taken me a long time to understand the question myself,
but I think I've finally come up with an answer.
Unfortunately,
the English language
has only one word to describe something that has limitless interpretations.
In Greek,
there are three words for the three basic types of love.
Eros;
lust.
This type of love
is when you find yourself doodling their name
on the inside of your history textbook,
dotting the I's with hearts
as if you are 13 again and you were just asked on your first date.
You chose that textbook
because it will be the only place no one would ever think to look.
You think about everything you would be far too shy to say or act in person,
making out in the back of a movie theatre
not caring who would walk past,
sneaking off away from your friends just to have two measly moments of what you both call "peace."
Most often,
this type of love is encased in "I love you"
only to obtain a certain goal.
Virginty,
a picture,
or even just one more night
of having them in your arms.
Eros is not authentic,
it is emphemeral.
Phileo;
Brotherly Love.
The friend you would drop anything for in a heartbeat to make sure of their wellbeing,
but also the neighbor you see from time to time watering their garden.
They ask you
to tend to their garden while they are away,
and you do it
even though you've never spoken more than a paragraph to the man
because it is what you believe is right.
This type of love is the devotion of time and energy without any promise of compensation in return,
purely out of the good of heart.
Phileo lasts as long as the people do.
The final type of love
is Agape;
unconditional love.
In religion,
we are guided
or pushed
towards showing this type of love towards the diety.
Yet, very rarely
it is shown towards a human being.
Unconditional love
is the ability to say so much with only uttering a single word.
I have experienced this love,
it is great pain
and great sadness
but the feelings of pain will never leave my lips
in case they are transferred to the person i wish to have the least pain.
This kind of love
is when it is not only enough that you think about them every waking moment but every slumber-filled one as well. You have hung up your needs at the front door along with the key to your heart and devoted yourself entirely to them,
even if they don't reciprocate.
They have been adopted by your body and taken the form of a vital *****.
If you do not
pay absolute attention
to them at all times
you will run into many problems.
You need to keep them running smoothly in order to stay alive and healthy,
because without them you are nothing.
You are a sorry sack of bones with a beating heart with no purpose.
Unconditional love is taking all the lessons you have ever learned
all the rights and wrongs you have finally learned the difference between and throwing them out the window.
It is the thin line between sanity and insanity,
heaven and hell,
and safety and danger.
You walk the rope
from building to building
without the promise of a net.
Unconditional love
is authentic,
but not emphemeral.
((Love *****, don't do it.))

I'm in a box,
Square and enclosed.
I can't breathe.
I squint my eyes and my box opens up.

I'm in a tunnel,
Short and small.
I can barely move, only crawl.
I can't handle this.
I can't...I can't...
I blink.
I feel cool air on my face, but I cannot see a thing.

I'm in a cave,
Dark and eerie.
I'm scared.
Water drips down and echoes through open space.
I feel a drop on my face, wet and slimy.
I start to cry.
My feet drop from below me and I'm drenched.

I'm in the ocean,
Endless and unforgiving.
I'm drowning.
The water is freezing my body.
I cannot move.
My tears are frozen to my face.
I can't even close my eyes.
I think I pass out.

I'm on the shore,
Quiet and alone.
I stare at nothing.
The ocean is silent,
Not a wave to crash onto shore.
The sand is hard as stone, not a creature about.
Nothing crawling or swimming,
Not a sound to be heard.
I am completely alone on this never-ending shore.
The sky is dark,
No sun in sight to brighten this day.
I close my eyes tightly
And wish myself away from this wasteland.

I'm in a house,
Empty and silent.
I do not feel at home.
This is not cozy or warm like a house should be.
This is dreary,
Cold,
Uninviting.
I do not want to live here.

I'm in a room,
Dark and enclosed.
I am claustrophobic.
There are no windows or doors,
No entrance or exit.
It is like my box, but bigger.
Yet no less frightening.
I still can't breathe.

The room closes in.
It's a box again,
And it's closing in more and more,
Until there's nothing left.
Not even me.

I was utterly alone,
And now I'm gone.

Now I am nothing.

When a heart breaks,
It is heard all over the world.
Like a crack in the moon
In broad daylight.
No, not quite a sight,
Not visible to the naked eye.
Only a sound, sharp and loud,
To be heard at that moment.
And then the scream of the victim,
Told they are loved no more.
It is a scream of pure agony,
Filled with pain and remorse,
And the leftover love and lust, of course.
No longer returned, it has no where to go.
So the love comes back home to the heart
And sits in silence and sadness,
Until it dies away completely,
As the heart breaks apart,
Chips falling off and littering the soul with debris.
This broken-hearted lover lost of love
Cries so the whole world can hear.
And they do.
They listen and they understand.
They've felt as she feels,
Been where she is,
Screamed as she screams.
Even though it really seems
Like she is all alone,
Left to fight on her own,
Without her heart and without her true love.
To her, she's lost everything.
But she hasn't.
We know she hasn't.
Her heart will heal,
The pieces will come back together
With the glue of hope and faith
And eventually, of new love.
Because as the saying goes,
There are more fish in the sea,
And soon enough she will see,
That she'll find love again
When she least expects to find it.
True love is out there,
Around every corner
If you really stop to take a look.
So while now the world hears her cries and her sorrow,
Soon we will all hear her sigh
And see her smile, through lips and eyes,
As she stands in love and hypnotized,
And happy once again, finally, finally,
At last, at last,
Once enough time has passed,
Her heart will heal, though not too fast,
In due time, all will fall into place.
All will be fine.
She will find love again.
After all, a heart cannot stay broken forever.

when I was five, my parents gave me a book about a rainbow fish instead of the princess one I wanted. waterworks began.

when I was six, I checked out a book from the school library about the tooth fairy. I read it over and over again because I was too nervous to return it.

when I was seven, I started taking dance lessons. my teacher had bright blonde hair that she always kept in a ponytail. I wanted to be exactly like her.

when I was eight, I learned how to write in cursive. I made a point of showing my teacher how the lowercase 's' looked like a Hershey's Kiss.

when I was nine, I wrote an essay for school about a cat. my teacher told me I didn't have to revise like the other kids because I had already written it so well. I was ecstatic.

when I was ten, my best friend moved away and I cut my hair short. it was the first time I had to learn how to start over.

when I was eleven, I argued myself to tears on the playground, thus discovering passion.

when I was twelve, I almost tripped down the stairs after school every day because I refused to put my book down.

when I was thirteen, I made my way into a group of friends that had hearts of gold and eyes of steel. we felt invincible.

when I was fourteen, I watched as by best friend silently collapsed into a heap of tiny, broken pieces. I learned that the nicest people can be incredibly hard headed.

now I'm fifteen. I don't know everything, but I do understand that life never goes as planned. I understand that we are wonderfully accustomed to adapting to unprecedented circumstances. I understand that picking yourself up off the bathroom floor time and time again takes strength and resilience. I understand that you're good at being you, and that is always a compliment.

Frantically falling into a sense of manic illusion
Fighting the demons of grief and abuse
I was naive and easy to turn around
But I wasn't too hollow to speak my mind
I might of needed a push or shove
You might of been wearing the ****** glove
But who is who after all those years?
Where did you run to when I shed all those tears
I should have knows that you were no good
I should of have run but I waited until I had sunken
You blame me and I blame you
You think it was all for nothing
I think you were nothing too
Why didn't I, didn't I stop myself
It was hard , you were shallow, I was lost, I was broken
But I still wish you the best
It was challenging to try to comfort you
When you were suffering, that's when I would too
The light turns green but your standing still
I watched you drink yourself like a never ending filter
I wanted to cure you, but I never knew what was the cause
I wanted to desert you, but your soul was a curse that kept me holding on
Too bad its over
Too bad I'm gone
Too bad your still alone wondering where the love has gone
I'm out of your reach
Your out of my sight
I'm so sick and tired of circles leading sideways
So sick of blaming myself for your choices
I'm so sick of bending backwards
But the one thing I know is I'm not sick of the only blessing you gave me
When I tried to break away....
You gave me the insight, the limelight, the future
And the only thing, you can never take away...

My brain is divided into two:
the left and the right
And
while part of me wants to
cling to you and beg
for you to come back,
what's left
wants to cut you out,
clean and precise
until all that's left of you
are the changing pieces of my skin
where our cells once rested.
All of me knows
that I would never have the courage to do either.

It is half past one in the morning and
The red digits from the alarm clock
Lecture me for thinking about you.

The pillow next to me
Harbors your absence,
And the loneliness holds me.

I glare at the numbers,
Fully aware that I will be exhausted come morning.
Then the time changes and it is one thirty-one.