he wasn’t expecting my lips to be so warm

nor my heart to be so cold

he wanted to go by what he felt

and not believe what he was told

“Just comply with a smile,” he says.
It’s as if he owns you.
To comply means “to act in accordance with a command.”
Commands are what you give to a dog.
That isn’t what you are—for one second, don’t believe that that’s what you are, my friend,
But what he implies is that you are.
Comply.
Submit.
Lie down.
Don’t move.
Shut your eyes.
Stop breathing.
“But smile while you die,” he says.
And you say “yes” because you love him,
But love is not mean to take life,
It’s meant to give.

Say no.
SAY NO.
And make him believe it when you say it.
Breathe again,
Open your eyes,
Move,
Stand,
Shout
REFUSE.
And make him believe it when you say it.

He needs you. He needs you and he hates it about himself.
He needs you and you are woman and woman is the opposite of masculine so
He hates you.
Or at least he acts like he hates you, but really
He loves you.
And maybe he feels unworthy of your love, sweet, unconditional love, so he pushes, fights, quarrels, hits
It all out of you.
Reflects his unworthiness on you.
Doesn’t want to melt, to sink, to unravel, to be loved
To be taken into your arms and held and told, “it’s okay

to be weak.”

so he tells You, “just comply with a smile.”
he tells You to be weak so that he is strong,
or at least he thinks that he is.
really his strength is a projection of the anger that he is
human,     mortal,     weary,     going to fade,
and he’s angry that he’s not the hero of some fictional story—
FICTIONAL story—
where the man who destroys life is the one who lives forever.

what the world needs is not heroes and their damsels in distress.
what the world just needs is Humans.

You are a Human, my friend,
Of the softest and sweetest variety.
And humans deserve to feel loved but it is not Your responsibility to
Love him.
He will go out looking for love when he realizes he’s worthy of it,
When he stops hating himself so much that he
Kills others.
And you cannot wait for that to happen.

Smile, my friend, but smile because You want to,
Not because he wants You to comply like the kicked down & scared little dog that he feels like.
He wants You to feel trapped because he is trapped,
But You are not.
Your capability to love, and love endlessly, is what makes You free.

Smile, my friend, and say no.
Breathe again,
Open your eyes,
Stand,
Shout,
Live,
And be free.
Please, be free.

I fell for him three times
The first time I fell for him he captivated me with his words. He had mastered the twenty six letters and all their possible combinations and could play them better than any instrument. He could create laughter, happiness, joy in me, effortlessly, continuously, endlessly. When we conversed between days, without voices, it was like he already knew what I sounded like despite never hearing me speak a word. It was like he had browsed through my collection of tattered books and torn sketches and scratched cds despite never having stepped foot in my room. It was like he had watched me during moonlit hours while I watched each raindrop kiss the earth goodnight despite never having seen the moon dance across my skin.  He didn't know this though. I was timid, consumed entirely by doubt and insecurity, fearful that my arms could not yet quite reach out far enough and it was early spring and the sun and breeze were gentle and couldn't push me quite yet. I had fallen though, the bruises were on my grazed knees to mark the occasion. He took my hand in his own, lingered, and pulled me up.
The second time I fell for him he captivated me with his presence. People terrified me. People could make the air cling to me and I would quickly be submerged but never quite manage to drown, but not him. No, not him. When he entered a room, it seemed bigger, there was more air. When he entered a room, the colours were brighter, there were so many more colours. When he entered a room, the music played loud, the beat got faster. This should have terrified me, but it mesmerised me. They say that people have smiles that can light up rooms, his smile could light up a thousand rooms all at once, and that's what he did. He lit up every chamber of my heart and old, dusty corners that hadn't seen light in years were suddenly graced with his wonderful presence. Watching his hands tap the surfaces around him made me realised how empty the spaces between my fingers were. He could never leave a surface without making sure he'd tapped out a rhythm on to it, like he was creating his own song in each moment, in each day, and leaving pieces of it behind for others to find and when he tapped out a rhythm on to me for the first time I knew that I wanted to hear how it ended even if it meant I needed to be in every moment and every day. I wanted him to collect the pieces.
The third time I fell for him he captivated me with his heart. My heart was brightly lit near him now, and it yearned to stay that way. The light brought heat and instead of shivering my heart could beat like it should. I needed to be closer. My heart desired to leave my chest and move into his and it was something I could no longer fight. The sun magnified this new warmth in me and pushed me further. I led him through and he followed. No one followed. He always followed. I fell then in front of him and he followed still. We fell into place like puzzle pieces, a natural event, words spilling out from me in an order that even I struggled to untangle and what should have been a jumbled mess as I hit the floor he had smoothed out without a second thought. Still a master of those twenty six letters, but instead of words he spilled tears as we lay in tall grass that was wet with the rain we had already missed. I knew then that I was in love with him, without doubt.

with warmth in my heart
   and blood in my veins
sometimes it feels my emotions
   are feigned
as i lay hopeful and
   awake in my bed
visions of you are what
   float through my head
the smile on your face
   the depth in your eyes
your laughter resonates
   as we gaze at the skies
together we lay
   in a field of tall grass
every ounce of me wishes
   and hopes this will last
with each breath i breathe
   my love for you grows
and with time, im hoping
   it gradually shows
the ice in my veins has
   melted it seems
the warmth from my heart
   makes it so hot it steams
my emotions aren't feigned
   to you i am true
i really hope one day we
   will say "i do"