I miss the beach on Cape Cod
And the little cottage with the outdoor shower.
I miss selfies at 3AM
And big hugs.
I miss your black and white comforter,
All the comfort you provided while we huddled underneath it
In the cold winter months.
I miss the laughs,
Movie marathons,
Ramen lunches.

I miss who I was when I was with you.

I am sorry that you fail to recognize
That this had nothing to do with "the long haul."
I am sorry that you are blind to all of the forces acting against us,
When we have nothing to react with.
I understand that you are angry,
That you blame me,
But there was no other option.
Not speaking is not a relationship.
I am sorry that I could not be perfect enough
To fix you.
I could never fix you.

I hope you know that I look at you like the night sky,
Rearranging my thoughts into constellations
Unidentifiable by those who have not tasted
The sweetness of your lips.
You draw spirals from my tongue and transform them into art,
Recognizable by your signature grin and sunkissed laugh.
You twirl in my dreams and make music from the evening air.
The atmosphere is filled with cascades of your shine,
Resulting in jealousy from Mother Nature herself.
The trees long to be as strong as you,
And the daisies wish they could brighten my day the way you do.
You have turned the world upside down
And shifted the time zones beyond repair.
But that doesn't come close to what you have done to me.
My mind is a map written in cuneiform that I cannot even understand.
The technicolor patterns on the insides of my arms remember how you feel
Wrapped inside my layers of tissue.
The space you occupy between my sternum and rib cage shakes with nerves,
Moments before I get to see you again.
Just a smile across the bakery and I am melting,
Like the sugar donuts on an 80 degree day.
The flesh around my shivering bones long for your presence once again.
Oh dear, my dear, come watch the sky by my side.

Something has changed.
A plate tectonic has shifted inside my heart,
Rebuilding the mountain that she and I used to climb together.

Just seeing her face again reminded me of all the good times.
They outweighed the bad times,
Like a Sumo wrestler outweighs a small child.

I search valleys and hills
For the words to tell her
That I miss the way her eyes light up
And how her smile makes the pain go away,
Faster than three doses of oxycodone.

It is incredible how easily I am falling back in.

And now you have a Worst Day too.
You are going to blame yourself.
You will watch the world keep on going.
You will go through the motions of your morning routine and your school work.
You will smile, but she will be in the back of your mind for a long time.
But one day, you will realize that you must find the strength to keep going.
Because it is what she would have wanted.
Yes, she was taken too young.
Yes, she didn’t deserve it.
You will feel like it should have been you, not her.
Just not her for God’s sake!
You will think about it every single day for at least the next three years.
Because she is your best friend. And she always will be your best friend.
No one can replace her.
Nobody can even come close.
You will sit by the phone for days.
Waiting for her to text you or call you and tell you that she actually is fine.
You will wait and wait and wait.
You will sit in class and wait for her seat to be filled with her smile and the classroom to echo with her laughter.
One day, everything will hit you, more so than it did on the Worst Day.
You will realize that your entire life changed in a split second.
A single second.
Nothing in your life will ever be the same.
But you will find the strength to keep going.
Because I know you.
Because you’re you.
If you need a friend, I will be here.
I know how this plays out.
I understand.
And maybe I wasn’t best friends with her.
But it happened to me too.
We all felt pain in that split second.
And I felt my Worst Day all over again for you-- her best friend.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m very very sorry.
I will be here for you, because I was not strong enough to tell people I needed them.
So I’m just going to be here, whether our friendship works out or not.
I will be here.
Two doors down from your house.
I have warm hugs and love and understanding.
Please, just whatever you do, don’t give up.
I know it’s hard.
But you can do it.
You can do anything.
You will get through this.
Everything is going to be okay.
I PROMISE.

I will always pull you closer,
even when our fingers are interlocked
tighter than a vice.

I want you to want me more,
even when my skin is touching yours
and my breath is on your chest.

You intoxicate me.
There is no need for a margarita
of loneliness and pity
when I have you telling me
all the things I never thought I needed to hear.

I'm high on love.

I paint you in my poems.

do you remember the first time they called you pretty?
no?
what about when they called you ugly
and you went home and cut off your bangs,
threw out that shirt,
and cried all night,
remember that?

when that boy told you there was something wrong
with the hair on your body
you told your mom you needed to shave
to make him feel comfortable,
to make him like you.

do you remember the first time you thought you were worthless?
and what you saw staring back at you
wasn't quite right
there was always one little thing, right?
almost there, right?
just take a little bit of this away,
lose a little bit of you,
and maybe then,
they will think you are good enough.

"am i there yet?"
no, not yet.

I would much rather be studying
where you move your hands
and how you will kiss me next.
It's hard to concentrate on the different conjugations
of the verb querer,
when all I really want is your couch
with the torn up leather
and the small tables
and drizzle on the windows.
So come save me from the textbooks,
crawl into my body and unwrap my soul
until I can remember what your name tastes like.

You were a house on fire,
But I could not stay away.

This encounter
has left me feeling
like I could really use
a padlock
a wire cage
and three tons of bricks
right now.

It isn't easy
or anywhere near
a walk in the park
or a Sunday morning stroll.

So the padlock stays locked
and the cage stays wired
those bricks will not shift.

But I'm not going anywhere.

It's confusing.
That's what I tell them,
And it is the truth.

I don't understand why,
When I am with you,
I feel warm in the darkest parts of me.

Your arms,
They feel like a pitched tent
In a thick forest,
With the campfire crackling.

It's easy to tell you the scariest moments of my life
And that I prefer snakes over spiders.

I want you to tell me about what it was like growing up.
How you aren't there yet.
I want to hear about your dreams.

*I want to make you feel like home.

Loneliness is nothing more than the condition of being alive
So be lonely
When the entire universe has its back turned to you,
Be lonely
Let the world know you are human
Feel.
And feel more deeply than you ever imagined you could
Embrace the loneliness
It isn't killing you
It is creating you

Remember when we first met?
At recess on the pavement
In my little white dress
And pink high tops.
Six years old.
You didn't care that it hurt,
So you did it again
And again
And again.
You came into my life
And refused to leave
Until I "grew up".
Well I grew up.

You met the daughter of bullying,
Her foot in your side.
She didn't care that it hurt.
She didn't care that you cried.
"Grow up" bullying told her father.

I met you again at the new school.
New town, I thought,
This will be better.
Boy, was I wrong.
The weird girl.
The girl with the black t shirt.
But you could no longer hurt me.
I had a wall,
Made of bricks
Piled one on top of the other,
Even taller than you.

You found me again,
When my wall went crashing down.
When she left me,
You found me.
You made them leave me.
You didn't care that I cried
During the national anthem
On a Tuesday morning
In homeroom.

You got worse.
Because you got silent
You became a knife in my back
Whispers across the hall
To the girl with the beautiful long hair.

You started giggling
From across the white tiled classroom,
While you stuck you "Hello My Name Is" stickers on my forehead.
So everyone could laugh with you.

But I am here to tell you one thing.
You are wrong.
I am not the weird girl.
I am the beautiful girl.
I am the happy girl.
You lost.
And I don't care if you hurt.

He might still think about you each night
That reminds him of the ones you used to share.
He probably is just too scared,
To tell you he still cares.
Even in the first place,
He never once said
"I care about you".
That doesn't mean he never felt it,
And it doesn't mean he ever stopped
Loving the way you laughed,
Joked around with his friends,
And held his hand too tight.
He probably still wants to wrap his arms around you
And take you to the movie theater.
He still thinks about the way you made him feel.
That you made him feel at all.
He's still there,
He's just scared that you're not.

I liked you because,
In your presence,
I was human.
And I was beautiful.
But the mirror was empty,
To me.

2. You still look at me in the hallways.
Am I still beautiful to you?
It doesn't matter.
I know I am.

3. I saw you in my dream,
The other night.
And we kissed
Just like we used to.
But I woke up screaming in fear.

4. We don't speak anymore.
"Growing apart" is not an excuse.
I need more.
I need "I'm sorry" and "I will try"
But it's my fault,
Right?

5. I wrote you seven letters.
One each day I missed you
During that week.
I threw them out.
You don't miss me.
Anymore.

6. She looked beautiful
On the glistening shore
In the hot summer sun.
She looked beautiful
Even when she cried
Because it was my fault,
Again.

7. I still think about you
On the nights I am laying awake,
In a bed made for you and me,
Not just me.

8. And you,
What if I told you I was too in love with you?
Would you believe me?
No.
"We" both know you loved me more.

Once upon a time,
You smiled each time I stared into your soul
And told you all the things
That made me want to hold your hand
That very first time.

There was a day,
Not long ago,
When you looked at me with eyes that shined
Like the sun on the sea.

Those eyes made me fall
Deeper and deeper
In love with you.
But that love became locked.
Cold.
Measured.

The love has started fading.
From your side,
As well as mine.
The sparkle of the sea,
Replaced with brick walls
And concrete sidewalks.
The smile,
Transformed into a kitchen counter,
Cluttered with loaves of bread and unopened letters.

The desire to hold your hand in mine
And comfort you as tears roll down
Your once soft cheeks
Has gotten away from me,
Like leaves escaping their branches.
The flowers that once grew inside the cracks of my walls
Have all died
From a lack of being watered,
By the hand that planted them there.

His voice sparkled like the rain
On a hot summer day.
Nobody could stop themselves
From being absorbed into conversation
With this interesting,
Young,
Man.

The way he smiled at his little brother
And the small child looked up at him
In awe and wonder
Hoping, one day
He would have the opportunity
To be half as great as him.

That girl.
She saw something in him the others couldn't
He had passion
And love
And joy.
When she met him,
She found a scar just as big as hers.

Neither of them spoke a word
About the knife in their hearts.
But together,
They were healing.
On their way to a better day.

But,
She refused
To let the light fill in the gaps
Between her fingers,
Even though it was flowing out of the hand
She was meant to hold.

Goodbye and I'm sorry
They hurt to say
But hurt more to be heard
The light between her fingers,
Was never seen again.

Missing you
Does not come in waves
But instead
In earthquakes
Measuring a 9.0

It starts in my heart
And runs up to my head
Tearing apart the only part
Of my body
That doesn't want to want you.
Anymore.

Your breath stored on shelves
Inside my lungs
Is washed away
With a tsunami off the eastern coast
Of my rib cage

Each valve in my pounding rock of a heart
Is failing
From the avalanche of stories
Roaring down my throat

The natural disaster
In my eyes
Forces me to see
Nothing,
But you.

At 14,
She can't fall asleep at night
Blood spilled on the sheets
Razors on the desk
Tears on her cheeks.

At 14,
She sits in the woods
A killer in between her lips
Fire in her pocket.

At 14,
She is popping pills
For every problem
They cannot fix.

At 14,
She can't get out of bed
Her legs heavy
Her mind heavier,
Telling her she will never be good enough.

At 14,
She has no more skin
Left unscathed
She has no more faith,
No more hopes,
No more smiles.

Too bad she will never know
How 15 turns out

The white walls,
The white sheets,
The white gloves,
They all seem to blend together
And although this white is whiter than most,
All I can see is the dark cloud hovering over my troubled head.
The 75 pound weights tied to my feet
Pulling me under the surface
Making me scream.
The nurses,
Dressed in white,
Tell me it is going to be okay.
"She's in a better place" they say.
How can it be a better place if I'm not in it with her?
How can it be a better place if I'm here,
Without her?

I blamed myself
I resented myself
It was all my fault
I could have done something
So I spent years beating myself up
Tearing apart my skin
Crying until my I could no longer see

When you said "Goodbye",
I did not believe you meant it
But you did
My heart stopped pounding
Inside its prison
Buried deep beneath
My aching tissue

I suppose,
In some ways,
I left you
Because I failed to return
In the moment you needed me most
I failed to say my own "Goodbye"

I missed the most important "I love you",
"I'll miss you",
And "I'll see you soon"
But I so wanted
To see you soon
To set this heart free
To break down its prison bars

And I tried.

I want to crawl back
to the days
on the couch
in the heat
with my head on your bare chest
and your hands in my hair.
I want to hide in your trust
and safety
of water gun fights,
piggy back rides,
and hammocks for two.
I want to sneak back behind your garage
and trace your soft skin
with mine.
I want to return
to you.

You are my sun
My moon
And all my stars

Without you
I would have nothing to grow the flowers of my mind
Nothing to light the path in the dark of night
Nothing to gaze out at
When I need some hope
That there is more out there
For you and me

You are the metal rod in my spine
Keeping me from falling over

You are the pencil in my hand
Begging me to try just one more time

You are the smile
That lights up my face
When you whisper “I love you”

You are the pink elephant I clutch
As I fall asleep
Keeping me warm
You are the 18 pairs of Converse
Inhabiting my bedroom floor
Always providing me protection

You are my freedom
The thing I will always fight for

You are the tissue
Always wiping away my tears

You are the tracks on my brain
Reminding me of how lucky I am

You are the hose
Spraying down my burning kitchen
Washing away all the bad
To preserve all the good

You are my legs
Giving me the strength I need
To dive off the block
To sprint from the starting line
To wake up each morning just to see you

You are my camera
Snapping memories that will never fade

You are my safety knot
Always there if I need you
Always there even if I don’t

You are my favorite sweater
My security blanket
My warmth

You are my hands
Feeling the softness of your skin
The bite of the first snow

You are rainy days
Perfect for movies
Wrapped up in blankets

You are my heart
Filling my veins
With all they need
But most of all

You are my brain
Keeping me going
Making everything work
Giving me ideas
Letting me love you

You are my love

You are perfection
And with your arms around me
I’m invincible

They ask me over and over again,
"What boy hurt you to make you this way?"
And I laugh.
Because they are too ignorant to understand
Liking girls does not require a previous pain,
Or being touched by a hand you thought you could trust
Love has no ****** preference
And love has no gender
So I am forced to ask them,
"What girl hurt you to make you that way?"
They look at me puzzled
And they don't understand
Because their normal only has one definition
And that is theirs.
They don't understand that maybe,
Just maybe,
I deserve love in which ever way makes me feel the butterflies in my tummy
And makes my hands perspire in the pocket of my hoodie
They can't seem to see
That I have seen more love in the curves of her back
Than they will ever see on their knees.
But no matter how much I tell them that there is nothing wrong with me,
That no boy hurt me,
They persist.
They no longer ask.
They just plainly state,
"A boy hurt you and made you this way."

You held me like no other.
You smiled at me like you meant it.
You poured your feelings on pages and pages for me.
You felt more for me than anyone else.
But I couldn't let myself love you.
Because loving you would hurt too much
Loving you would be too risky.
Loving you would mean no more safety.
Even though there is no safer place than in your arms.
But I can't do it.
I can't let myself love someone so deeply.
Because I'm afraid.

It always happens this way,
Doesn't it?
She leaves
And then you are left here.
Alone.
With nobody left
To hold you
And smile at you.
God--that smile.
The smile that lights up every room
And that laugh you can hear a mile away,
In a good way.
Always in a good way.
But now that is gone.
And there is nothing I can do.
That is all.

The day it all stopped.
She looked at me
For the last time.
That day,
The Worst Day.
While lying still in that bed
With the white sheets
And the machines
And the tubes
And the beeping.
The Beeping.
It wouldn't stop.
It still echoes in my brain
And in my heart,
Where she left a big hole.
She ripped it out of me
And took it with her
But that's okay.
I don't mind.
It looks better
On her

You don't look at me like you used to
You don't hold me like you used to
You don't kiss me like you used to
You don't love me like you used to
And I know you're sick
I know you're tired
But I might still love you
Don't you still love me too?

You watched my body
A crumpled up shape on your mattress
My eyes
Rivers of untold stories
Stories of death and disease and decay
You watched as I built walls
To hide these feelings
That should never show
I am supposed to be a rock
A sturdy leaning place
For anyone who needs me
I am not supposed to crumble
I am not supposed to fall
But you were let in
You listened
You let me cry
You let me be a crumpled shape on your mattress
You loved me at my worst

I would love
To fall asleep with you tonight
Holding your body close to mine
******* your soul
Feeling your warmth
And your chest rise and fall
Underneath my embrace
Laying there silently
With my legs wrapped around yours
Your breathing on my arm
Knowing I get to see
Your beauty
First thing tomorrow

For most of my life
I wanted to help people
I wanted to be a superhero
I wanted to save people
From everything that was hurting them
I wanted to fix up people's wounds
But then I found out what it meant to be a savior
It means you spend every day worried
That your best friend may not be alive tomorrow
It means second guessing
Every
Single
Word
You say to him
It is being told you are the only reason he is alive
It is spending nights awake
Because being someone who saves
Isn't as rewarding as you thought it would be

You are beautiful
From the tips of your toes
To the top of your head

You are beautiful
WIth every move you make
Every time you touch me
Kiss me
Hold me

You are beautiful
From every bone
To every *****

You are beautiful
For the way you smile
The way you look at me
The way you laugh

You are beautiful
And one day
I will make you
See it too

He sat in his room every night
Waiting for his parents to stop
Yelling
Crying
Fighting

He waited
Until the day his father left
Before coming downstairs
And everything was gone
Except for his mother
Sitting on the kitchen tiles
Makeup running
Red marks on her arms
On her face
On her legs

He ran
As far as he could
He thought
About everything he had
Everything he had lost

He stepped up to the ledge
He looked down
He smiled
Finally happy
He would be free
He took a step forward
Nothing left