crown of roses
stripped of their thorns
but dangerous still in their beauty
capturing the glances of sweet deception
and lingering lips

the harshness of the city skyline is prominent
ruthless in its hold over the land
as blue skies turn grey
in attempt to fuel an industry
where the waters are impassable
poison to the body
painted grass, concrete blocks
filled with crowds of professionals
is this my fate if i wish for success?
or can i still obtain
the sacred valley
fresh fields
and blue skies
that accompany the country
for although the city has these people
they still lack stars

***** soles of ***** feet
caressed by changing grounds
hard and soft combine
into the whirling images of my eyes
through rainbows
of fresh green
harsh grey
sand and dark mud
and surrounded once more
with rippling hues
that cleanse me of the day
i bury myself here
above and below
clear waves own my lungs above
the saving force from the blue below
i am saved
i am lost
wanderer of the city streets
and quiet country roads

sleep evades me
i cannot rest
as long as i am uncertain

tomorrow i will leave my home
something that i do often
to gain a degree
but tomorrow offers something new
for i'm leaving for new land
and instead of being only hours from home
i will be across the sea
greeted by a temporary family
as i embark on a new adventure
one that is solely my own

so i say a brief good-bye
for i will return in time for school once more
two months over seas
Italy, please be kind to me

filled a book with your ink
and tried to erase it
but the words remained
like little stains upon my skin
reminders that i'd never get away
but one day i became aware
that i had been reading the last chapter
over and over again
as if the book could never end
as if i just denied the existence of the final words
but as i struggled to erase your name
it instead became smeared
an ugly reminder of what i was covering up
so i tore out your name from every page
and i burned those chapters
and with them, my shame
my hatred for myself
because i realized there are endless pages
still white and untouched
some, full of pencil sketches
that are easily removed
oh that i could fill those pages someday
with ink and flowers
to draw the joy that i imagine
to seek beauty
to be, to live, to love
write me a story i want to relive

sometimes when i'm reminded of you
i think of how we were together
and the anger blinds me
i had so much more to say
than the diminished words i spoke
i thought i loved you
but i've realized
that our love was never really love
it was too dangerous and impure
your way with words was so devastating
but somehow you gained my trust
learned my secrets
and used them against me
my intoxication
brought down by your charm
i admit
every time you called it quits
i crashed and burned
but i learned
you were just an empty threat
bent to keep me in line
controlled
distilled to your liking
but i poured my heart into the brew
and it remained strong
you hated that about me
how willful i was
how stubborn
you made sure to stomp it out
like fire
but i kept those embers hot
and when i regained my dignity
i let it burn
through our forest
your controlling stare may have marred me then
but i've moved on without you
free to speak my mind
and not just a selection
free to choose my clothes, my friends, my family
i took back what you stole
and now i stand with them
tall and proud of who i am
strong, independent and stubborn
those things do not make me flawed
they make me someone worthy of **respect

the abuser tried to contact me
through his coward device online
the place where he sits to work
twisting and turning his words into easy prey
the place where i saw him work
light keystrokes of heavy rage
set out to destroy the happiness around him

he tried to contact me
as if i were an old friend
as if months of beautiful silence had not gone by
i don't know what he wants to say
because i have shut out the old version of myself
that would willfully go running back to him
i am disgusted by the girl i was
so warped
that every ounce of pain inflicted
every compromised moment of "love"
was meaningful

i can never go back
i won't
there isn't anything in the world
that could make me venture
to the chaotic territory of a
self-loathing
compulsive, lying
unstable
psychotic
manipulative man
who tore apart everything i had built for myself
and called it love

so here's my message to you:

                                          go **** yourself
                                          with your petty mind games
                       because i am strong
                                  and everything that i rebuilt is equipped
                                                 to destroy anyone like you
                        who tries to come near

i am finished, i am happy, i am me
finally
i can be me