soft implications
imprinted on white waves of silk
where the immaculate seas of blue
rest on ivory hills
floating upon the currents of sweet air
and he is drowning in the clear water
surrounded by fiends of gold
awaiting a breath that comes easily
before he is able to witness
her emergence to the red decline

how i feel is irrelevant
compared to the vast beauty
of the open plains
of liquid gold before me
drowning in the changing waters
undecided whether they are black or blue
quite like me
undecided
   uninvolved
     un- enthused, emotional, clear
but where is my clarity?
for i've been travelling without it
in what seems like an endless time
and i cannot remember where i began
                        through grass
       through trees
                    walls            houses          
                                                                ­                       people

i've swept through them without notice
as if they were shadows on my ceiling
that i stare at instead of sleeping

sometimes i wonder if they're real
or if i conjured them there
to conquer this lack of feeling
maybe if this were a fairy tale
i'd have the shadows align an army
strong and steady
and someone would fight through
and banish them

but alas
i have grown accustomed to these shadows
and i am no damsel

we all grew up
differently than we intended
wild and tameless
until we got    
                      here
far from where we started off
but the familiarity still lingers
in old pictures
old faces
who haven't grown with us
those who have only lived to see
the beginning and the present
and the image of you that is expected
becomes shattered
and wiped clean
for you no longer represent those memories

hello, old friend
what was your name again?

you dug your teeth in like an animal
savage and deadly
your claws helping tear open the wound
as you poured in your poison
you used to be so kind
or at least it's how you looked in my eyes
but with every passing day
a piece of your mask faded
revealing the skin of a monster
and although i was warned
and told to run
seek refuge
hide
i did not fear you
for i thought i knew you
but all you ever did was lie
and make believe you were the prey
while your predatory gaze kept a watchful eye

how quickly you sprang
how vicious your jaw
how easily i fell

and somehow it was my fault
somehow i was wading
****** and torn
in a river of apologies
unsure of the meaning
always searching

in time i learned your ways
and i froze
waist deep in the river
unable to swim to the shore
and become dry
because you cried
because you filled my ear
with sweet whispers of "i love you"
i believed you
so i stayed

but now as i lay freely
staring up at the sun
feeling its warmth
on my newly healed wounds
i realized that you never loved me
because love is not a violent word

make me the night
cold and secretive
as winds that whisper quickly to the trees
before moving to the open fields
of long grass and wild flowers
asleep beneath the moonlight
like you
unaccustomed to the darkness
to the emptiness
that fills the sky so forcefully

leave me to the star-filled sky
to the ever present moon
circling behind greyed clouds
for it is here that i seek refuge

so make me what i am
and leave me to the loneliness of shadows
so i may walk in hand with them once more

tell me who i am to you
if i am anything at all
am i the setting sun
diminished to the evening shadows
or perhaps, the early sunrise of soft pastel
slowly awakening the light
upon the fragile landscape
maybe i am the night
cascading across the sky
like the salted ocean tide
the stars of my body
creating a weathered map to your arms
tell me i am like the water
even when you know i am nothing
compared to the vast seas
for you cannot create a route on your magnificent ship
to the undiscovered islands of my soul
for they are buried where no one can travel
so that i may remain the siren
and you a fantasy
that will never leave its pages

i won't be the first to admit
that i sleep in terror
for tomorrow is another day closer
to *growing up