I see the cardiologist today
My heart has been off
Instead of the normal
Thump Thump
It's been
Thththththump
I thought it was from
This new exciting us
But I feel sorrowful
maybe I missed a few pills
The ones that keep the smile on my face
But my heart
It's going erratic
It's doing it when I'm not with you
Becomes worse when I'm around you
you are bad for my health
Thththththump
There it goes again
My heart is broke
Even with you staying
I see the cardiologist today...

It's as though I am on a carousel
Just going in circles unable to get off
Repeating my mistakes over and over
My demise is the fare, my cost

To get off this circling ride
I've yet to figure it out
Since all I want is to just hide

So I will pretend I am a princess
Sitting upon her steed
the lion and the elephant
Always there for me

Then I can be a lady of status
In her chariot so fair
Led by horses magnificant      
Their manes obsidian, like your eyes and hair

Well, there goes the daydream
You've snuck right back in  
I just need to forget you
Unfortunately,  you are my favorite sin

you are my sunshine,
                        my only sunshine

Holding him close
Rocking my baby
He may be five but I still pace the floor and rock

                        *you make me happy
                          when skies are grey

Big changes are starting
He wraps his arms a little tighter
Safe, secure

                        you'll never know dear
                           how much I love you

Holding tight to his baby
Thumb in mouth
My little Linus
Safe and secure is what I bring

                           so please don't take
                              my sunshine away

*I don't want to go mommy.....

Children for sale!
Children for sale!
I have two children for sale!
They're young and they're strong!
They're rowdy and fun!
They like to get muddy!
Don't like showers, they prefer baths that are sudsy!
They like to talk
They like to do that a lot!
They're sweet and cuddly
They're fun and bubbly
Forget it!
They're mine*!
I will love them until the end of time*!

"Mommy! Mommy!
Look what I drew!"
upon the page is a heart
He leans in to whisper in my ear
*"It's a picture of me and you."

Teetering  on the edge
Standing on the end of a chair with a rope around your neck
The tip of the knife poised
Now it's all a real choice
Gun is cocked and loaded
A hair trigger that won't take much goading
Are you ready for this step?
Are you ready to paint with your blood yet?
Are you ready for the mournful screams and wails?
Of those you left behind because you thought you failed
Go ahead,
I'll be the demon on your left  
I'll take away the pain and choices you regret
But in its place I'll give the pain to those dear to your heart
Instead of you, I'll tear them apart
I'm your mischievous demon you see
Where there is dark, there I'll be
Or would you rather me be the angel on your right?                                              
There to tell you all will be alright  
Your pain will stay
Along with the choices you have made
But Those you hold dear      
I will help keep healthy and near
I'll be there to show you light
That in the end you need to choose the right    
Fore the time is now!
Make that choice!
Pick one of us to be your voice..

Three rows from the front
That's where I sit
Oh, and to the right of the pulpit
My eyes gaze upward towards our dear crucifix
I pray hard for salvation
I try harder to cast the devil aside
I listen with rapt attention when the priest begins to sermonize
During all this, I feel a tickle on my neck  
I feel as though I'm being checked
For whom I feel is watching sits about six pews back, and to the left    
I wonder, does he pray for penance too
Lord knows both him and I have given the devil his due
I try to brush it from my mind and listen like I should
But it's so hard when the one I want, though still far apart, feels like he sits next to you    
Time now for communion
I hope my vessel ready
I stride up to the communion minister
I'm starting to feel a little heady
As I walk back to my place
I take a chance and glance
He quickly looks to the ground
I know that he watched me
My cheeks grow redder as I remember last night's round
I kneel and pray, giving thanks to our God
And I say an extra special prayer
Thanking Him for letting him be there
Now that church is over
I breathe a sigh of relief
We didn't get struck by lightning
As been told in belief
Maybe my prayers or his and mine combined
Kept the devil at bay
Maybe God then was the one today
The one to show that it's ok, that this may actually be.
That him and I can quit punishing ourselves
That together we can be.

The cicadas scream there mating song
Courage runs thru me
I'm gonna tell him
I am
The conversation has lulled
Perfect time
I'm gonna say it
 I'm gonna scream it to him
"Babe, I know you love me.
I know you tolerate my children for me.
But babe, my baby is sick.
He's sick in the head.
He..."
I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna tell him the rest of that sentence
My mouth opens
The words begging to come out
It's as though they know me
Know my fear of saying it aloud
Aloud to someone who isn't...
The cicadas crescendo their mating scream
We are deaf to anything else
The words die before they exit my mouth
But one day they won't be there
Summer will be gone
"Closed for the season" sign plastered in the sky
"Thanks for staying!
Come back again next year!"
That's what it says
Yeah, that's what'll happen
The cicadas silence
Fall will come
Along with the words that sit
Sit at the edge of my tongue
The reason I started smoking a pack a day again
Why I'm asked "why are you so pensive?"
"Do you really want to know?"
I'll tell you, then you'll go screaming from me
"An abomination! That's what it is!"
The cicadas stop me
But only for now
I will tell
In the dark
When there's no light to comfort you
Whlie I'm breaking
That's when I'll tell you
Don't leave me. Stay
This is when I'll need you most
When the cicadas have sung their last screaming ****
When the green leaves turn orange
when I tell you what he....

As I lay my head upon my pillow
Tears threaten to fall
Tonight, I will the "goodnight's" to never make it past my fingers
I do not believe when I wake I will let the "good mornings" go either
Nor will the "have a good day's"
I'll leave out the "how was work's" and "what to do for dinner's" too
Also the "kids are driving me batty's" and "what are you now up to's"
It will all circle back to me laying my head upon my pillow, my fingers itching to type
The tears threatening to spill like blood from a fresh slaughter
All from me willing to not send
*Goodnight

Chaos
Lightening
Amorous
Innocent
Melt

The **CLAIM is ours!

"How do I love thee
Let me count the ways"
Oh please!
What a cliché!
Do not tell me things in sonnets or rhyme
Tell me what's in your heart, not in your mind
There are only three words of poetry I want to hear
Only three words that are music to my ears
I Love You

I have no coin to toss into the air
To help decide to say or do as I dare
Heads or tails would seal my fate
If I had a coin for these decisions to make
It would be two out of three just to ensure
That I did not blindly follow fates first lure
Heads says yes and tails a no
Two out of three is how it would go
Alas I have no coin to toss
I bow to fate as I ponder the loss

Fingers feel
soul sighs
Swords ******
Into the depth you go
Begging for more
Barriers melt away
Windows open
amber in glasses swirl
Inhales of the smoke
Dreams become reality
Whispers penetrate
Calling to the other
souls collide
With a mournful
*whiskey
lullaby

******. I'm confused. You act like we're    together, then you act like I'm being used. When you write your poetry it strikes a chord in me, but you won't say and I'm too afraid to ask you see.  I think that we might be exclusive but it's hard to know.  Bring a toothbrush and bring some clothes. Is it the fact that I'm still legally bound? Or is it when you're drunk is the only time you want me around? You let me come over one night and just gave me your shoulder. That was the first time we just slept together. No ***, no attempts, just slept in pure innocence. We've had times since, just laying there. Holding eachother till dreams commence. Thing is, I need to know. What are we, where do you want this to go? One day I feel I am ready, take on a new journey, the next I'm scared and I don't want to be your hunny. I'm sure it's just because I don't know. Please tell me so I can go on with my show...

Woke up alone in my bed
My kids at their dad's
I wonder what stories he put in their heads

Worked ******
Everyone was being an igit
I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it

Got paid today
Gone in a flash
Bills mounting up I have no cash

Picked up the kids from their dad's
He decided to fight
Called me a *****, man what a drag

After some movies the kids fell asleep
Alone now with my thoughts
Yeah, and my idiot dog just left me...

Yeehaw! That's right. I'm gonna be a cowgirl tonight. Put on my ****-kickers, tight *** jeans. Yeah baby, my *** will fill them nicely. Throw on my pearl snap shirt. The one that's a little too tight up top, but that doesn't hurt. Brush this burnett hair till it's silk. Last but not least, my straw hat to finish the look.
I'm a cowgirl tonight. Yeah, that's me. Looking for my longer than 8 second ride. Hey muse, think you can hold onto me? Cause I'm a cowgirl. I like to buck it around. Get ***** in the ring. Come out in victory. And cowboy, you'll never tire of me. I'm the un-ridable bull. Let's see if you can't tame me. You've said once you like to cowboy up. We'll ***, let's see if you can hold on....

They cry mercy
Into this void of despair
They cry mercy
While pulling at their hair

They cry mercy
For every bottle that they drink
They cry mercy
For the times they drive so fast wanting to be wrapped around that tree

They cry mercy
For every time they take the razorblade to their skin
They cry mercy
For all of their selfish sins

They cry mercy
Everytime they pick up the gun
They cry mercy
Hoping they have the courage to do this one

They cry mercy
For every needle placed in their vein
They cry mercy
As it all seems in vain

They cry mercy
Everytime their resolve hits the wall
They cry mercy
It seems no one hears their *call.....

There is a dark man out there.
He stands beneath the light.
He is there one moment the next, vanished from site.
I fear for myself, so I lock the door.
I know that this is a foolish act.
He is the dark man,
No lock can keep him out.
For as I lay in my bed, I hear the steps.
Heavy and male they sound.
Striding with purpose towards my room.
The thing is, I live alone, and I locked my doors.
I hear the creak of the floorboard beneath his heavy feet.
The one that will enter my tomb like keep.
He is the dark man.
No lock will keep him out.
He is the dark man, there will be no time to scream or shout....

How fast it seems that darkness comes
Was it not just minutes ago was shining the sun
Now the bare trees have become black ghosts against the silver sky
The water that was just shortly before blue
Now murky and black in hue
The sounds of animals that were once scurrying about
Now all bedded down, silence abounds  
Was not my heart just lit with a candle of light
Snuffed out quickly with a whispered goodbye
Yes, how fast darkness comes
When just moments before all was bright

Dear Cupid,

I ask that you please go away today. You see, my heart doesn't want to play. The games you like to throw at us all. My love is always given but never returned in these games where I fall. You have yet to do me right. I've never had a happy Valentine's so why should it be different tonight? So go away I implore of you. Find someone else to shoot your arrow through. Yes I know you have given me a lover. That's fine.  But cupid, I can find those ten pennies on the dime. Your arrow it nicked me and now I'm mad. For a lover is all he wants to be. Now you've gone and done it. **** your arrow that has nicked me.

Forever loathing you cupid,
Me

I hereby sentence you to death!
Your crime is one of serious offense
You played your part oh so well
Offered shelter, promised heaven not hell
Did not stand to promise as said
Broke her down, nearly taking her head

Punishment will be as thus
Not a word! I command you to hush!
For crimes against the heart so frail
Instead love shown, you allowed love bail
Death to come as I now order!
You sir, shall be drawn and quartered

I went to bed enraged last night. I wanted to lash out at everything I saw. My nerves were shot. The crowd too much. My children pushing every button till I about blew my top. So I had a choice to make, Xanax or a beer. I chose the one I knew I'd wake from, I chose beer.
        I'm gonna have to replinish it today. I think I'll grab some hard liquor too. I'm afraid that even though I awoke refreshed,  the beast inside is still there just waiting for its due. I used to be able to tame this beast with thoughts of happy things. Wait, what happy things? My life has been nothing but grey skies and doom.
       From early child hood up to today, I've been beaten and abused. My heart stepped on, my soul broken. My mind made lost and confused. So yeah, I think I'll drink tonight. I'll drink to my misery. I'll drink until I do pass out. I need to tame this demon within me, before he fully comes out.

Here we go again
I knew it was to good to be true
I was feeling happy
Smiling more
Laughing, loving
Then out of nowhere
WHACK!
No reason
No real trigger
The old words flow in..
"you're not good enough"
"he must have someone else"
"you'll never work again"
"might as well just die"
"can't even take care of your kids"
"your whole life is a lie"
My heart races
My tears threaten to fall
I don't know why
It's just there
I can't turn it off
GOD! Please save me!!!

Sitting in front of the vanity
Going thru the motions of getting ready
Glancing at the floor
seeing myself lying there
fetal position, wailing

Sitting watching TV
With the love of my life
Glancing at the walls
seeing myself throwing the remote
breaking whatever I can, yelling

I'm at work
Talking to my colleagues
looking at their faces
punching everyone

Going into my room
Looking at my youngest
He's sleeping peacefully
Seeing myself holding him
Trying to keep his hallucinations
His depression
His suicidal thoughts
All at bay…

This I do
I hold him
Only as a mother can
Praying to God
To heal his mind
Knowing this, this is why

Why I see myself
Lying on the bathroom floor
Breaking whatever I can
Physically assaulting my coworkers

All I can do is pray
All I can do is hope
Pray and hope for my child
For him to be better
For him to thrive

One....
  That'll be me
       halo sitting all askew

Two....
   Yeah, that's you
        your halo lost somewhere

Three...
    Come on in here with me
         no halos anywhere to be seen

That's right
  You, me, and he

He's fun to play with
   *Yeah, the devil makes three

Your words are my song

             the angel's choir itself

Your kiss my heavenly host

              we take this body

Velvet hands my drink

               we take this blood

You have become my blasphemy

                lord forgive us our sins

My vessel ready

                 as we forgive those before us

Stronger than lust, less than love

                  lead us not into temptation

**** you and **** myself

                 *we are the devil's playground

water pooled around my ankles

Hope, Peace, Love
All beauty, all light

                  it starts to slowly creep up

Desire, Elation, Bliss

                   *to my knees, continuing it's
                  upward path
  
Dark recesses of my mind break through

                  past my hips, to my abdomen
                  dark, stagnant water

Venomous thoughts start to flow as the water rises
Greed, envy, lust, hate

                  my chest, hard to breath,
                   the weight....

Hope, despair, Peace, chaos, Love, hate
Not strong enough! Not good enough!

                   my chin,
                    start gasping for breaths

desire, Lust, elation, Remorse

                  submerged now
                   dark, murky water
                  air bubbles of light slip
                   from my mouth

Darkness may have won this time, but there is still light left to fight

                 *don't breathe.........

Don't look behind you
It is only me
The cool breath on your neck
My calling card you see
When you lay down on your pillow tonight
Don't worry the hands that encircle your heart
These ones of ice
That is just me letting you know
You can try and hide
But the reaper will show
I'll delve into your heart and mind
Show what you've missed
What you left behind
I'll make you crazy
Wishing that you could redo what's been done
I'll play with you tonight
For that is my fun
To make you cry and beg and lament
Of the one's whose souls
You left broken and spent
I'll play this game with you
For however long I please
Then when you think you can handle it
I'll do one last squeeze
My icy hands around your heart
You will wish then
To find her and make your mark
Though you will not be able to
For her I've given life anew
You see dear one,
Who is now turning deathly blue,
Her life I've now taken from you

Your tongue is that of a double edged sword
The pain you cause my mouth makes me beg for more
As you leave your mark down my body
The trails visible
The blood that follows slowly drips down
You speak of lust only for me
But bid me leave
after my body you've left broken to bleed
Oh how I love your double edged sword
It may hurt
But I'll take more

Men will come a dime by the dozen
But you in my life
You're not one of them
No, you're more
I don't know how much more but yes
More to me than you could ever see.
Ever know
And I want you back, I need my friend my lover back into my life
Don't deny it, I think you want the same
You can't help but put your fingers to the keys and respond to my words
You can't help but talk of future after we're done sweating out the nights alcohol
I told you once, I don't forget
I remember the words you say
I remember the games you try to play
I won't let you forget
I'll keep after you until you jump the ship
You'll have to delete me from every part of your life
I don't think you can
I think my blood is now on your hands, in your veins
That's where I am, that's where I'll stay
You can't outrun me even if you tried
But that ok
Because men come a dozen to the dime