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Dec 2018 · 96
Depression of a Child
Sitting in front of the vanity
Going thru the motions of getting ready
Glancing at the floor
seeing myself lying there
fetal position, wailing


Sitting watching TV
With the love of my life
Glancing at the walls
seeing myself throwing the remote
breaking whatever I can, yelling


I'm at work
Talking to my colleagues
looking at their faces
punching everyone


Going into my room
Looking at my youngest
He's sleeping peacefully
Seeing myself holding him
Trying to keep his hallucinations
His depression
His suicidal thoughts
All at bay


This I do
I hold him
Only as a mother can
Praying to God
To heal his mind
Knowing this, this is why

Why I see myself
Lying on the bathroom floor
Breaking whatever I can
Physically assaulting my coworkers


All I can do is pray
All I can do is hope
Pray and hope for my child
For him to be better
For him to thrive
Depression in children is real. Wake up!
Nov 2018 · 29
In the Breeze
I have cried a thousand tears.
I am now dry
You said you wanted me to hurt
You have done your aim
For my love for you will not cease
But yours for me now, in the breeze
I am now but a husk
A shell of what I was
For I have let you destroy me
You broke down my walls
So long ago
I felt secure with you guarding them
Then you turned
And I am now empty
Your love for me
Now forever in the breeze
Nov 2018 · 187
Waterfalls From Green Skies
And her tears fall down like a waterfall from green eyes
Chest aching in pain unsurpassed
As she sits on her couch
No pictures on the wall
Cold metal art instead
She realizes
She is truly alone
No one there to comfort in her time of need
She let so many things take away from her
No friends
No family
She is truly alone
crying waterfalls
Here we go again
I knew it was to good to be true
I was feeling happy
Smiling more
Laughing, loving
Then out of nowhere
WHACK!
No reason
No real trigger
The old words flow in..
"you're not good enough"
"he must have someone else"
"you'll never work again"
"might as well just die"
"can't even take care of your kids"
"your whole life is a lie"

My heart races
My tears threaten to fall
I don't know why
It's just there
I can't turn it off
GOD! Please save me!!!
This is a real problem in many lives. We can't just turn it off. Unfortunately, it controls us. We can take medicine, but it's only a bandaid. Love us, remind us we are worth it. That our fears may seem real, but you are there to protect us. Please don't judge us. Stay with us. We always need a hand...
Oct 2018 · 138
Straight
It would have been so easy to keep going straight
Not take the turn left
Straight….a mere 13 miles and I'd be at your door
Straight….you'd have to face me
Straight…..tell me where I went wrong
13 miles, so close, eternity away
drawing a deep breath thru the tears
I turn left

This road….11 miles and I'll be at my door
This road….face to face with myself
This road…..to question what I did wrong
This road…..internal interrogation to play with my demons
11 miles, so close, too fast
Straight….I did not go
Straight
….
Apr 2018 · 90
My State in Flames
I'm sitting on my back porch
Smoking a cigarette
Looking at the stars
Hazed out by smoke
Oklahoma is burning
Flames are all around
Smells like a campfire
Even in town
Livestock are dead
Running for the barren river
Wildlife gone
Majestic mountain lions
Climbing in the burnt trees
Only to die of smoke inhalation
Oklahoma is burning
River beds running dry
Dear Lord above
Give us rain
Help us see an end to this nightmare
Of Oklahoma burning
Apr 2018 · 78
My State in Flames
Jan 2018 · 150
If You Do
If you tell me to go, I'll go
I won't look back
As I close the door
And with heaving sighs and shaky breaths
I'll still love you
Until my death

If you tell me to stay, I will
Together we'll face those mountains
We'll make them hills
And until my dying day
Loyal to you
I will stay
I love you babe
Jan 2018 · 188
Monster
I don't think you understand. The way my chest tightens. There's a vice holding back the tears and it makes it so hard to breathe. this incredible pain and emptiness vying for the space. How my mind screams at me. The part of me that isn't like this is trapped in there. Banging on her cell walls begging to be let out again. the Monster has taken over. It's ******* the life right out of me. I don't think straight. I can't see clearly. All lines are blurred. Every look is suspicious. every text some other woman. This Monster is controlling my mind. Having me read between lines that aren't there. And the pain... Oh God the pain!! I don't want to die, but I just want the pain to STOP! I need help putting this monster back in its cage.....
Follow up from "The Glass Is"
Jan 2018 · 71
Tears of Black
Her tears roll down her face
As grains of sand off an eroding beach
Falling into the abyss
Of her pillow, the ocean
The counter ticking away
attempting to keep up
Unable to do so
"Enough!" he yells
Unable to take her sadness anymore
He reaches into her heart
Trying to cut away the black
But he is unable
Every piece he removes
Another takes its place
And her tears continue
*to fall down her face
Nov 2017 · 187
Lost...
I want to lose myself
In between the pages
See fae and dragons
In my mind's eye
Feel loss and love
All in an hour
Become someone else
Feel the weight of a crown
Have the wind whip my hair
As I dive into a forest
See the greenest of greens
The bluest of blues
Escape from reality
Delve into another
I want to lose myself
**on the words of writer
I need a new book to read..
Nov 2017 · 97
Left Unsaid
The words were failed said
Leaving my heart an ache
Mind blowing with possibilities
My soul crying in disbelief
And true to my nature is
I make excuses
For words left unsaid
Defending you to my own heart
My mind screaming
"Is not lost, his heart!"
The sun now gives way
Attempting to rid the night's agony
My heart still aches
With words left unsaid
I pray today
My heart be stilled
Nov 2017 · 88
I Waited
for the words to come

I watched
for hours at my phone

I cried
when I finally closed my eyes

I waited
*for you to remember me....
Oct 2017 · 77
Eyes of a Woman
Who is this woman staring back at me
There is something different about her
If you look just right, you can see her teen self
a childlike quality still
But then it's gone
Replaced with one who is poised
Who has been thru **** and back
Stronger than she ever was
subtle grey streaking her auburn hair
Eyes wise yet scared, scarred
But there is a light
One that has been absent for so long
It is now there
*it has returned home
Oct 2017 · 117
Inside
In the end
we die
This journey in life
it's all lies
We are never truly connected
everyone leaves
You're always alone
*inside...
Sep 2017 · 453
He is My Storm
I smell him on the edge of a storm
When the sky is pregnant with electricity
The thunder resonates thru
As though he is speaking to me
The whisper of the wind
His promise of love
His scent of the earth and water
Envelopes me when the rain falls
So when I am without him
On a stormy night
My soul cries in loneliness
I cannot touch the storm
Only have brief caresses of his soul
Sep 2017 · 218
Complete
Fingers feel
soul sighs
Swords ******
Into the depth you go
Begging for more
Barriers melt away
Windows open
amber in glasses swirl
Inhales of the smoke
Dreams become reality
Whispers *******
Calling to the other
souls collide
With a mournful
*whiskey
lullaby
Love me...
Sep 2017 · 133
Cicadas (part 2)
The cicadas are gone
The story has been told
And so she waits
To see what now will unfold

In the dim of twilight
With the air turning cold
She sits with bated breath
To see if her world does fall..
Sep 2017 · 537
Whispers
Sitting upon a grassy field
Sounds of laughter around
There he sits still as stone
Eyes a glassy wonder

Again at home upon his bed
Headphones off
Staring straight ahead
Many times mom has called
Never hearing above the drone

hate
****
hurt
fear


whispers said unto his ear...
Sep 2017 · 317
Cicadas
The cicadas scream there mating song
Courage runs thru me
I'm gonna tell him
I am
The conversation has lulled
Perfect time
I'm gonna say it
 I'm gonna scream it to him
"Babe, I know you love me.
I know you tolerate my children for me.
But babe, my baby is sick.
He's sick in the head.
He..."

I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna tell him the rest of that sentence
My mouth opens
The words begging to come out
It's as though they know me
Know my fear of saying it aloud
Aloud to someone who isn't...
The cicadas crescendo their mating scream
We are deaf to anything else
The words die before they exit my mouth
But one day they won't be there
Summer will be gone
"Closed for the season" sign plastered in the sky
"Thanks for staying!
Come back again next year!"

That's what it says
Yeah, that's what'll happen
The cicadas silence
Fall will come
Along with the words that sit
Sit at the edge of my tongue
The reason I started smoking a pack a day again
Why I'm asked "why are you so pensive?"
"Do you really want to know?"

I'll tell you, then you'll go screaming from me
"An abomination! That's what it is!"
The cicadas stop me
But only for now
I will tell
In the dark
When there's no light to comfort you
Whlie I'm breaking
That's when I'll tell you
Don't leave me. Stay
This is when I'll need you most
When the cicadas have sung their last screaming ****
When the green leaves turn orange
when I tell you what he....
A little Stephen King inspired poetry
Aug 2017 · 198
Shakespeare
Even though it was a comedy
It hit close to home
Comedy is just drama
With a little fun

The mask does nothing
But hide a crying face
Comedy is making fun
Of the heartbreak

You laugh until you cry
Nothing new at all
Except it hits your heart
Makes you feel it all

Comedy is just a mask
You put on for the show
Deep inside you feel it all
In the still of the night
You let it go...
Aug 2017 · 507
Ecstasy
whispers
Calling softly
Caressing my soul
Shivers race down my spine
Heart imploding
whispers
Eyelash kisses
Cascading down my body
Soft sighs from my body
whispers
Tell me more
Sing it upon my being
Raise me to new heights
Don't let me fall
Let your
whispers* catch me
Jun 2017 · 157
And Fight!!!
Tonight we watch a rival to match all rivals
One of blood **** and rainbows
These two have been at it since the beginning of birth. Forever at the others throat. Let's meet our competitors!!!

In the blue corner weighing in at 114#'s with a reach as long as her career
She's the stomper of dreams, the instigator of fights, it's IIINNNNSSEECCCUUURRIIITTIIEESS!!!!

And in the red corner also weighing in at 114#'s with a reach half an inch shorter
She's the rainbows after the storm, the swell of joy in your chest, the giver of forgiveness, it's
HHHAAPPPIIIINNNEESSS!!!

The referee for tonight's match is neutral. Let's hear what he has to say to the opponents

"Alright ladies. We discussed rules in the locker room. Hitting below the belt is illegal. The heart is frowned upon but in the game. Let's fight as fair as possible"

"I saw that shady, did you? That gleam in insecurities eyes when neutral said the heart. That woman has it out for happiness "

"I did see that fair. Happiness' eyes got round as saucers. She knows that insecurity is gonna pull a fast one. Want to bet that it's 'he's not really in love'?"

"I don't know shady, I'd hate to think she'd pull one so low. He did just profess his love to her"

"She could pull that 'he's still in love with the missus. That he really doesn't want to let go' "

"**** shady"....

TO BE CONTINUED....
If you know the WWE or UFC...use his voice

******!! Make me feel as though I should not have fears! You say "I love you", but do you truly mean it?
Jun 2017 · 294
Drunken Whiskey Rye
The words were said
In drunken lullaby
With fear that was tamed
By the whiskey's rye

In the morn it was replayed
Fear creeps in
From this drunken lullaby
Dread of words said on whiskey rye

Unable to take back
Not knowing if want
The whiskey's rye
**** drunken lullaby

It's all on the table
If see it this way you must
No longer there this whiskey rye
To comfort a drunken lullaby
Jun 2017 · 259
Hide No Longer
I sleep tonight upon bated breath
In hopes I shall wake on the morrow
With eyes wide open and mindful rest
Secrets to become no more
As truths are laid down
Set in open door
Light to come over darkness creep
the sun shall not run
Tomorrow secrets unleashed
Hide no more sun
Run no longer to west
Giver of light to the moon
Lay down now in her breast
the world has flipped
It's ciphers have been read
So upon the morrow I shall wake
As tonight I sleep once more
Upon bated breath take
May 2017 · 356
Heart of Sand
One by one
The petals fall
From the heart of man
Taking with them
The sun and shine
Leaving a desolate land
Their sweet fragrance
Fermenting in arid desert
Where noc is ruler
Green grass obsolete
Dry as cotton
This heart of sand
Rain doesn't quench
This thirst
This ache
It cleans nothing
Leaves only a muddy hand
A soul that cries
With eyes now dry
A hand to which
No one holds
A permanent desert
Where roses die
And grass not grow
This barren
Heart of sand
To let go of one you love is a death without a death. Stay strong my friend.
May 2017 · 201
Stars
Are the stars out tonight?
Can you see them where you are?
Do you think of her when you do?
Remembering under the moon
you made her fall?

As crystals do they shine?
Are they bright in the sky?
Would you like to touch them?
Want to wipe them away?
Are they tears from her eyes?

Do you hate the coming night?
Dread when the sun falls?
Does fear creep when the moon appears?
night was you and her
Does your loneliness now envelop all?
Do you miss me? Miss me at all?
May 2017 · 180
Untitled 50
I am a stranger
In a familiar place
Four walls surround me
I know no longer their face

Upon the counter
Objects galore
What once was familiar
They're now obscure

This used to be a safe place
A refuge from the storm
Now it's nothing
A shape, a form

This is what happens
When emotions collide
Deny what they want
Pain never subsides
Apr 2017 · 166
Raven
I peered into the eyes of yesteryear
Into the depths of the sky
I saw a raven flying high
It hovered looking me in the eye

It showed me the past crystal clear
It showed me the present
That I don't want to see
It showed me a future
Of what is will
Another of what can be

Unblinking it soared
Into the great unknown
Taking with it a part of me
Leaving me here alone

A fortnight has passed
And still I see
With crystal clear eyes
The past of what was yesteryear
The path of future is mine
Yes, the future is mine....
Apr 2017 · 140
Mind's Eye
I want to read you
My poetry tonight
So tell me what it will be
Tell me what your mind's eye
Wants to see
Would you like something
Scary and dark
Or maybe one
That'll give you suicidal thoughts
How about something
Happy and carefree
Like children laughing
Playing tag and yelling
you can't catch me
Or how about
Carefree and bright
Inspirational
Make you ponder this so called life
Maybe one
Of unrequited love
Or one that'll make you swoon
Think past the gentle hug
So tell me your poison
I'd love to hear
Cause I want to read you
My poetry tonight
Have you feel my years
You have changed
So have I
There's still a little devil
Lurking upon your insides
As such an angel
Still plays within mine

We have been playing checkers
Heaven's been playing chess
We have to do some bad
For good to pass

Desire is as though
A railroad spike has run me thru
Desire for the touches of our skin
Burns also in you

Heaven is starting
To tip it's hand
Maybe it's showing
I for you, you for me
Together in the end
Apr 2017 · 227
Untitled 30
She is but one facet
Sitting upon her chaise
Contemplating
the utmost unimportance of life

One piece
In this puzzle
This chasm
She strives to survive

She sips upon the liquid
Burns fire within
Attempting to quench her thirst
Of her favorite sin

Longing and heartache
The ineptitude she feels
Forever rolls around her
Her dreams stand still
Apr 2017 · 569
You're Winning by Losing
You're winning you know
Pushing her away
She's tiring of this fight
So many times
She's been pushed away in life
She doesn't give up easily
If she sees something
There for to fight
She believes in you
An "us" and a "we"
She's still clinging on
To that so called dream
But she's losing her grip
Her will giving
Starting to slip
You're winning you know
So stop this pushing
Or tell her goodbye
Don't make her look a fool
She's been there
Too many times
Stop pushing away!!
Apr 2017 · 936
Somewhere Over the Lie
Kiss her like you mean it
Even if you have to lie
Just kiss her like that
One more time
She will see thru it
See the truth behind the lie
But it will bring a ghost of a smile
As she remembers
How it was
Once upon a time
Mar 2017 · 361
Stitches
Each time you don't answer
Everytime reassurance isn't given
Her soul tears
With each kiss
Every soft word
Stiches piece it back
But lover of hers
It is becoming harder
The balance of hurt and kind
Is not equal
The edges of her soul
Are becoming thinner
Harder to piece together
They are fraying
From all that you do
That is malign
Spare that soft word!! Rid her of her insecurities! For you are pushing her away, and soon, away she will be...
Mar 2017 · 396
My Box
Inside a square box
So airy and light
My children laughing and playing
Everyone dressed in white
Then the sound of laughter stops
A dimness in the box
Slowly everyone leaves
Taking the light
Darkness begins its reign
My best steps up
Looks me straight in the eye
She then turns and goes
Taking with her, her light
The man I believe is with me
Turns to me and smiles
But it is not pleasant
It is feral, wild
He whispers words, turns and goes
"Never was" hits me in the gut
Lights are gone
A black hole is now my box
Mar 2017 · 1.0k
His Eyes
She loses herself
When she looks into his eyes
A vast storm in the universe
Holds her spellbound
Mesmerized
The collapsing of stars
The birth of new
All in his eyes
She has the VIP view
Entranced in the darkness
The planets play
A series of falling stars
Each a wish from her
Praying one will come true
She dares not look away
Intense is this night
She sees dancing in his eyes
She yearns for a kiss
To intensify the heavens she sees
Captured in his gaze
Mesmerized
Kiss me already....again...
Mar 2017 · 206
Promise
It glares at me
Begging to look for a promise
One that will never be
"i won't leave you, ever"
Empty words
Fell upon desperate ears
Recourse is pain
Of a promise
One never to be gained
Mar 2017 · 167
Untitled 25
She put herself out there
What she wanted, craved
She held out for you her hand
You batted it away

You leave her broken
So many times
But still she comes back for more
An obsession of mind

Do you not care
Or is fear what reigns
For fear is what travels
All through her veins

Do not scoff
This soul opened bare
When out she holds her hand
Take it, for her, be there
Mar 2017 · 233
Damn, I hate begging..
My heart cannot take anymore
You know not what you do
When you walk out the door

All my calm and peace
Watching you go
Floats away upon the breeze

They start to tease my inner mind
The fears and insecurities
When you leave me behind

So do not leave my soul
It is still healing
Keep holding me when you go
Feb 2017 · 357
Pain is Omnipresent
The pain she feels
The physical pain
The scarring of the skin
Let's her know
she's alive

Her only escape
Away from this pain
Are her dreams
there she can fly

Her dreams are turning on her
No longer her safety
They have become nightmares
they come with a pain anew

No longer just physical
Now she's tormented
Emotional
Where her heart should be
an empty hole

No longer can she escape
Pain is ever constant
Tearing at her skin
tearing at her soul

Still she tries
to take comfort in the knowledge
She is still alive
No matter the intensity
When she *struggles to breathe
Set my soul at ease I beg..
Feb 2017 · 259
Purple
The roses of yesterday
               wilted
Their purple hue darker
Strong stench of decay

The lilac of when
              continues
Their color still bright
Its perfume still strong

It is not done
                   pause
A battle worth fighting
Light defeats the darkness everytime
Please don't let the pause be the end...
Feb 2017 · 208
Too High
She's too high
Petrified of heights
Standing on the ledge
Too high

It's too easy
Where's the work
Somethings not right
Too high

A little hiccup
A jarring to her senses
Still standing
Too high

A shoe has dropped
Off her foot it came
The other teetering
She's waiting

Too high
Time to fall......don't let me hit the ground
Feb 2017 · 366
Cardiologist
I see the cardiologist today
My heart has been off
Instead of the normal
Thump Thump
It's been
Thththththump
I thought it was from
This new exciting us
But I feel sorrowful
maybe I missed a few pills
The ones that keep the smile on my face
But my heart
It's going erratic
It's doing it when I'm not with you
Becomes worse when I'm around you
you are bad for my health
Thththththump
There it goes again
My heart is broke
Even with you staying
I see the cardiologist today...
I do have heart problems. Hopefully a clean bill of health today. But it has gotten worse since we have become an us....
Feb 2017 · 213
That Day
I lived a hundred lives that day
I cried a river of tears
I fought hundreds of battles
In that instant of a hundred years

I felt the pain of the earth that day
Pain a thousand fold
I sung hallelujah on high
When you I got to behold

I died a thousand deaths that day
I know I'll die a thousand more
When I don't know if you're ok
My mind opens all dark doors
The everyday life of a mother....
Feb 2017 · 196
It Was Supposed to Be
it was supposed to be

A solitude investment
Never expected return
A single hand
No ace to burn

it was supposed to be

Glances from afar
Touches of sin
A yearning that burned
One that wouldn't end

it was supposed to be

A secret locked tight
Lips sealed shut
Except for the burning kiss
Clearly clean cut

it was supposed to be

But what was supposed to be
Took a turn in the tide
Together we have jumped
with our eyes shut wide
Jan 2017 · 209
Killing the Reflection
Imagination
from the darkest recess of the mind

Poetry
from the bleeding of the soul

Beauty
from the pain of living

Killing the reflection*
*from the mainstream of mankind
Set yourself free...break away from the mold..
Jan 2017 · 412
Two Ships
Two ships pass in the night

                   I on one
               you another


A berg unnoticed they hit
Start to sink in the dark abyss
Onto life rafts we climb

                  I on one
             you another


The rolling waves of life's seas
Bring us back to shore
Beaten, tattered, torn
Brush ourselves off
Cling to the joy of surviving
Walk upon the beach of salvation

                  I and you
        upon the same sand


*ships pass no more
Timing can be everything...
Jan 2017 · 534
Tulips
A breath of spring
Upon a winter's day
Pastel colors whispering
              
                   stay

A hint of smile
Upon her lips
Greeted warmly with a

                   kiss

Winter's cold
Cannot intrude
It is spring inside this blossoming

                    *prelude
I received flowers for the first time at work yesterday. How beautiful they are
Jan 2017 · 1.2k
Reflection
I look into the mirror
Trying to see who I am
Who I have become
lost
distorted

There is a shadow
One of my former self
I catch fleeting glances
Of this shadow
I attempt to capture it
Place it back on me
For where all the world can see
She is in there
Young
Free spirit
No ties to anything or anyone
Struggling to break free
I can hear her
Screaming, pleading
Feel her
Attempting to re-emerge
Through the distortion
*that life has made me
Tomorrow is my birthday. Today, I dread it..
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