We talk about marriage and children
I should be ecstatic
I find only fear and confusion
When my eyes fall upon you
I am complete happy and confident
The great devide of absence
Steals my confidence
Worsen by my gemini personality
Over thinking
over analizing
Constantly observing detail
Right or wrong
Plotting
Planning
Two sides of a coin
Im drowning in my head
I cannot trust myself
My mind
My heart
My gut
They all lie to me
No one knows
The turmoil hidden in my jaws
Clenched teeth
Energetic laugh
Clowning jokes
No one knows
No one sees

Im so scared
So very scared
The sun will rise
And You
Dissolve like mist
I swear im not seeing ghost
My gut feeling mostly right
I pray im wrong
This conflicting thinking
Internal monologue senseless word slinging
God help me
I am convincing myself to believe you
My trust have issues
We will be unavailible till further notice

it's to late to die young
to die an unlived life
to die a legend in the making
today i will die an old battle ax
sharp, alive and knowledgeable
battles made the blade strong and sharp
enemies tried, left me alive
knowledge from surviving
an old warrior
how will my family and friends remember me
how will i measure up
will i be worthy of heaven
or thrown into hell
where will my eternal home be?
this scares me more than dieing
this scares me more than living

these imperfect perfect sinners
lift and carry me
unknowingly
they rescue me
all they do is exist
laugh with me
make jokes with me
share there lives with me
the joy and the little pain
me, yet to stop being ashamed of my pain
cowboys dont cry
raised tough
to cry is weakness
to brake or fail is unacceptable
these unresolved moments
back braking weight i have to carry
a lie told so often it became truth
time to destroy all truths born from lies
the endless struggle
generation to generation
all one goal
truth, reality, to be allowed to be
breaking free of the restraints
last night my demons won
this morning from the ashes rose ME
helped by God, faith and my friends
sempi fi

I fear loosing you
I still dont know
Who opened the door
Who allowed entry
My home deviled
Depression has moved back
My past hurt mixed with a consuming love
A love that feels ancient
Reincarnated lovers
Soul connection for infinity
Fear to loose the gift that is you
Allowed depression to see my potential
I crave daily
Zoning out
Not having to focus and fix
Not having to feel and deal

U upset
Found me smoking
When i smoke
I am feel free
I am above my fears
I feel happy
You understand but fear addiction
I say i control the supstance
It dont control me
I sound like a drug addict
Convincing people your not an addict
I cannot do this alone
I scream in my head
An extrovert not speaking
I need help
I am drowning
I fear
I ooze with fear
But skillfully hide behind well rehearsed pretence
Differant persona
Each unique for its audience
Only one audience no show for
My true self
You givd good advice
Go see head doctor
Pray more
Dont think to much
Its not my mind
Im a prisoner of my unhealed emotions
I go through list of potential surrogates
Non qualifies as allie
Only the true god

why do i feel empty
why do i feel used
nothing was forced
my true feelings betray my inner monologue
how to determine to keep holding your hand
at a loss for words and action , i am
can you sense my inner turmoil
do you pretend not to notice
afraid for the answer that lies between the murky
usually crystal clear free flowing thoughts
maybe my tiredness the cause
a flash flood
what have i done
stupid impulsive make believe queen

a simple teddy
dark brown and soft
i squash him to my chest
feel safe
feel loved
feel not alone
you spoke truth
me so spaced out
formulating a sentence to difficult
just remain quite
feel numb
speak not
drift in chemical space
i am not getting worst
i gave up the fight
i joined them

At the sound of you
My demons shrivel and hide
You my emotional constant
When you present
I am at peace
But you always leave
You love me
I can feel it to the bone of my soul
You care about me
But do not recognise my demons
You do not understand my suffering
Why you have to leave
Why you always leave

When the time comes
Will you be there my love
To hold my hand
And speak words of encouragement
To watch over me
Afraid something will happen
To pray for my recovery
The thought of life without me
Rock bottom life crippling fear
Will my dear one be present

Or will i be at the mercy of strangers
Family i have not
Close friends, yes
But they always return to there own lives
I am merely a pit stop

Left with only memories
Broken dreams
Shatterd wishes
Will only they visit when the time comes

Once i lived in darkness
Misrable and alone
Surviving on any possible contact
Blending into other families
As the missing puzzle piece
Never finding home
Suddenly you dropped in my life
I resisted
Fear of olden days creepin
Never realised old wounds still festering
You gracefully with love and tenderness
Skillfully filled and continue to fill
My hidden cracks and spaces
Me becoming whole
My greatest gift
Thank you

Tormented by deceitful thoughts
I keep seeing ghost
Ghost unknown to me
You promise you are clear minded
I Cant shake the feeling
That you already belong to someone
My soul pleads
My eyes reveal the torture
I smile to redirect
Inner turmoil
What to do
How to do it
I feel trapped by my love for you
Weary of your manipulative skills
How will it end
In horror or in joy
This fear born from past wrongfull lovers
I thought this wound healed
Only a thin scare did i see
Now it is a festering wound
Spilling blood
Bulging infection
I am disgusted at the sight

What to do
How to do it
Lost
Utterly lost
Fear creeps in
The shadows are alive

i wrestled with GOD
back and forth
why he safe me one more year
no one to share with

all along you waited for me

Everytime you leave
Fear creeps up
Is this the last time
It consumes my thoughts
I feel powerless agains my emotions
A stampeed i face
I love you
I miss my family
I fear loosing you
I fear
Words faill to express
You fail to comprehend
My fault for doubting
Just how much you know me
You study me constantly
You understand
We feel the same
Old lovers
From past lived lifes
Wanting longing and founding each other
I will endure only a short while
Just a few months
I keep telling myself
Trying to drown the pain
Why do i miss you so much
To extend it becomes pain
Then it builds into depression
Your my cure
My disease
My bad habit
My drug
My fix
How did i get to this mess
I hate that i love you so

Unicorn rider
My craziness awarded
one time deal name renew
Behind hand whispers
She is off balance
What is wrong with her
Never invite again
I see ...... in their eyes
Your eyes wonder
You dont realise
You cannot read my scares
You do not see the bleeding wound
I need to escape my mind
I need to zone out
My depression is slowly devouring me
I am unable to help myself
The medisyne not working
I need you
Your presence always bring comfort
Feeling safe and secure
Loved and wanted
Never **** or desired
Never **** and desired
Behind each snared remark
Behind each on the belt punchline
I lay truth as foundation
My mind the map

My jaw hurts
Locking and clenching
My voice has become silent
Behind pearly whites
Strange
An extrovert with nothing to say
In the dark of night
My dreams roar to live
A film of my darkest fear
No words
Only images that scare

I wish for the day to come
That i will feel beautiful
That i dont feel like left overs
That i will know beyond doubt you love me
That i will know you dont think about her while with me
Yes im insecure
Yes i am jealous of her
Yes i fear when you see her again
You will realise that i am a mistake

I wish you would write me
The words can swirl and swirl
Looking glass into hidden depths
I would melt into you
Become centered
Home eternal
You
Us

I wish you would write me
Passion revealed
Mixed in words spoken
Hidden looks
A quick twitch in eye
Mouth corner reveals

I wish you would write me
Pain deep
Demons gorging
I want to slay
Defend my home
You refuse
You not ready to let go
You love you

I wish you would write me.....

You do not love as i love
I crave you
You occupy my every thought
I wither in your absence
You show none of this
You love but not as i do
I make time
No matter how tired
Want you to feel a priority
You serve me excuses
I am saturated
You do not love as i love
I fear neglect
I fear me being forced on a shelf
A trophy covered in dust
Barefoot and pregnant....
Loss of independencr
Your mind is fickle at best
You love but not as i do
Forced to eat your decisions
You do not discuss future plans
You want me for children
You want my body
You do not see me
I love you love an idea of love

Seperation anxiety
Im so tired
Waking in the night
Shiffering with fear
Unable to calm my thoughts
Poetry my sounding board
No judgment
Pure freedom among artist im home

My warm body
You cold body
Perfect under blanket
You speak
I brake
Pieces i hold together
Clenching my teddy
Small soft and brown
The saviour of my broken sanity
A beautiful illusion of self
I am fine
I will be fine
Illusion of safety
You ask why i am not happy to see you
You the source of my joy once
Now the source of pain
All an illusion in my head
My voice i make soft and silent
Unsure of reality

I respect your hustle
I support your hustle
But baby stay in touch
I serve you
Im rewarded with scraps
You want to be chased
But im no priority
You want your ego brushed
Mine you trample

on the journey back
being more present in the now
not numbing out time
respecting the space between
respecting time
most importantly giving time, time
cry, shout, yell
let it all out
let my voice be heard
a dream was promised
a nightmare was delivered
trust is broken
i learn to live in your absence
i learn to grow
feeding of droplets of love from others
soon your absence will not be felt anymore
then you will miss the space i appointed you
your presence will be disruptive to me
the journey ahead is long
i welcome it
my strength will be tested
but i am ready

In an unmarked grave
At the back of the graveyard
Where the sunlight never reach
I wish to bury my emotions
Neatly folded in a casket
Nailed down
These have brought me nothing worthy
Nothing but shame and tears
Never to be trusted or seen again
The frost in winter
The dense leave canopy in summer
Never again to be warmed to life
Death to emotions
Forever
No loss
Nothing to miss

An old soul
Lived free among chivelry and wonder
Reincarnated to this money driven world
Forced into monetary slavery
Day in day out
A rat race in a maze
Over saturated with fake images
They erode my confidence
**** beautifyl women
I could never be that.....
I long for freedom
No races
Quite living
Inlove and loving you
Trapped desperate help

Why im cheaper then a working girl
Asking no reward for occupation and services rendered
At least they have standards
Having monetary value

I think about you obsessively
You even become part of my fairy dreams
An easy escape from my reality
An unhealthy attachment has grown
Canserous growth
Mutated from normal affection
My internal compass broke
Faulty parts
No one realised
Engin running on fumes
A complete emotional brake
You created sudden seperation
No warning
No preperations
No help
You caused my brake

Im so tired
Im exhausted
I want to crawl inside
Say my goodbyes
Say welcome to my new life inside me
This is all from being cheap and easy

Cant sleep
You took my sanity
Crumpled it up
Satisfied with your work
You tossed it into the fire
Im heartbroken
Im confused

I fear death more than depression
Caught between my vices
Once beautiful chaos
Now it make no sense to me
No one notices behind the clown paint
Falling slipping falling
I reach for you
You reach for excuses
You promised to hold my hand
Im so tired of your lies
Lies, 3 square meals a day
Im over weight
Going on hunger strike

I need to purge
My body resist
Im drowning in my own body of lies
Why wont i release you
Faith died
Hope on her last leg
But holding on
Refusing to yield
I need to purge

If romance was old
How come men still buy women flowers
Write love poems and songs
Declare their love bold and true
Buy decorated chocolates
Buy fluffy teddies
Romance is the real commodity of love
Second by trust and passion
All reveal inner monologue
I care enough or not
I want this person or not

A perfect emotional storm
Perfect ride for the thrill seekers
Born from the union of insecurity and lies
Mistress to loneliness and bitter silence
Fueled by hormones and chemical imbalance
I can stand it anymore
Welcome back my happy pills
Sorry i evicted you
Please make this your home
Mutual co existance will begin
Pain despair and grief
To keep me grounded
Joy excitement and love
To keep me high
Everyday emotions, in between all
To keep me level
That were me and i and cylift stay
Welcome home.......

People
My only regret
They use abuse manipulate discard
Trash
Never recycled
Companionship
My weaknes

I reach for my lover
An ache to share my despair
Depression knocks and wont leave
An echo that emphasizes the nothingness
Alone i was born
Destined to walk alone
Empty handed
Alone i shall die
No one will moarn only miss the helping hand
Why did God choose this fight for me
Broken beyond repair
Lost for all eternity
To wander the desolate land

In my fantasy i have a family
In my dreams i have a home
Reality my cruelest master
I have become a slave to this pain
Feeding it and off it
A twisted cycle of pretence
A false identity of born free and free will
Truth
i have become so used to this self torture
I am addicted

So easy
They leave
They forget
They become known strangers
Their words of praises barely cold
Was it all an illusion
To shape to their need
To manipulate me to their whim
I feel like an old rag
Passed around

i wish upon no-one
desolate heartache known by me
i desire to protect others from
to ease there pain where able
you took advantage of my golden heart
not my blame for being desent
you will pay a price
i will not see my retitution
karma will not forget you

Every moment my eyes are open
I am reminded by them how flawed i am
They list all my imperfections
I avoid mirrors
Mirrors speak so hard and unkind to me
It drowns out all the other voices
I tell myself its not true
Stay strong
You are beautifull
You are loved
You are an amazing person
People are lucky to know you
But in my heart i know its not true
In my heart lives a scared little girl
She never got the change to become great
She learned how to survive abuse
How to brake herself with critical words
That the mirror hurts more
Now, in her room, my heart
She sits and cry
Tearing the wall paper
My voice her only solace
It is okay
Dont fear
I am here
I got you
The comfert i bring her
Yes, short lived
But all i have
All she has