Every moment my eyes are open
I am reminded by them how flawed i am
They list all my imperfections
I avoid mirrors
Mirrors speak so hard and unkind to me
It drowns out all the other voices
I tell myself its not true
Stay strong
You are beautifull
You are loved
You are an amazing person
People are lucky to know you
But in my heart i know its not true
In my heart lives a scared little girl
She never got the change to become great
She learned how to survive abuse
How to brake herself with critical words
That the mirror hurts more
Now, in her room, my heart
She sits and cry
Tearing the wall paper
My voice her only solace
It is okay
Dont fear
I am here
I got you
The comfert i bring her
Yes, short lived
But all i have
All she has

when alone in thought
my mind wonders to a familiar thought
a fantasy created to boost the self
there i am the ******
strong
phenomenal
witty
beautifull
courages
supported
like­d and loved
respected
a leader
a mother
a wife
a daughter in law
everything in real i will never be and have
my empty reality
brakes me to the core
with great difficulty and emphasis , i smile
to convince myself and others i am truly happy
people look at me and see blessings
i wish i could look at myself
at least
and smile
it is okay, i got you
my own voice echos in my ears
my own voice has to be my strenght
why did God decide to give me a lonely path
a lonely life
a lonely mountain
the cold, the silence, the ache in my soul
it is slowly consuming me until nothing is left
nothing except these words
they speak of a battle once fought for the light
a battle lost to despair
these word is all i have

Its over
My dreams know
Inside i know
It still hurts
The why lives unanswered
From experience
The dust will settle
I will be stronger and wiser
I will live more guarded
This i know
Each time i brake
The pieces dont fit nicely again
But rearranged they do fit
I, differant stronger queen emerges
A small fire of hope survives
A worthy kning will come
If only in my dreams

Healing from pain
Is easy
The hard
Not measuring others by this
Allowing each new person to bloom
In there season in your life
Only by complete forgiveness time and forgetfullness
Can this happen?
How to get there?
How to heal a lifelong insecurity and abuse
Yes they used me and then discarded
Yes they lied and betrayad me
Yes they healed but abandoned me
Yes they devalued me to fit in there box
Yes i was left to not return

This person is totally not them
I need to stop comparing him to them
Change my deep ingrained selfdestructive
Yet self preservative thinking
My only hope
The voice wispers but what if your feelings are wrong

When the time comes
Will you be there my love
To hold my hand
And speak words of encouragement
To watch over me
Afraid something will happen
To pray for my recovery
The thought of life without me
Rock bottom life crippling fear
Will my dear one be present

Or will i be at the mercy of strangers
Family i have not
Close friends, yes
But they always return to there own lives
I am merely a pit stop

Left with only memories
Broken dreams
Shatterd wishes
Will only they visit when the time comes

a pizza after work to watch the sunset
going to the beach to feel the ocean and sand play with my feet
star gazing with moonlit walks over icy grass
a small gift just because

precious insignificant moments
there echo feed and strengthen me
i knew them once
i long to live them again

i wrestled with GOD
back and forth
why he safe me one more year
no one to share with

all along you waited for me

the warmth of the sun
the light of the moon
this you are to me
your presence give me hope
your laugh bring me joy
your smile reassures me
love unending
unknown to me
until now
i love you
bibo, my bibo
always be my bibo

A teenage giggling love
Being lived by 30 somethings
This time is differant
This time its real
True blue love

In your arms i feel safe
You only second to mom
Your smile reassures me
Your touch ,i know you desire me
You have become home

You make the stars twinkle more intense
The moon is enchanting
A love romance not an inlove romance
I embrace the night
Lovers meet and passion ignite

Lean slender body and limbs
Looks it not but strong
Pulls me, bossy and hungry
Kisses demanded
My full attention
Electric charges rush through the body
Hands speak no words
We cannot resist

Soon being apart the usual 2 nights
Torture it will become
Bibo cranky fussing and biting
Put a ring on it
Together forever

i also need help
can't help my quills
please don't mind the pain
i try to keep them flat
old memory confuse new emotions
my defenses flare up
kicking screaming and fussing
i draw blood
no one wants to come close
afraid
alone in the knife drawer i live
exiled
deemed dangerous and edgy
these 6 enclosures
no windows
alone
my stubborn nature
refuse to yield
i will over come
a home i made
i love my home
my comfort and haven
small heaven to me
no porch light
no second chances
forgiveness lives next door

why do i feel empty
why do i feel used
nothing was forced
my true feelings betray my inner monologue
how to determine to keep holding your hand
at a loss for words and action , i am
can you sense my inner turmoil
do you pretend not to notice
afraid for the answer that lies between the murky
usually crystal clear free flowing thoughts
maybe my tiredness the cause
a flash flood
what have i done
stupid impulsive make believe queen

loving you has always been an endless struggle
but you are all i have
circumstance forces me to acknowledge this
your death will leave me orphaned
my children will never know their gran parents
your house will never vibrate with children's laughter
the hand we are dealt , struggle
everything comes to an end
courage needed to continue on a new path
unknown below my feet
cautious
we fight hard
we battle fierce
we never bonded
no house to be found
but i love you
you the start of my bloodline
you failed me
time heals but trust broken cannot be restored
but dare i say
love covers all
my inner turmoil over come by fear of being alone
fresh the memory of heartache so complete it nearly killed me
completely alone on my path
to me i was dead just breathing

once i n anger and hatred
i prayed for your last breath to make haste
i longed to be free of you
considered the blood curse on my life
endless source of suffering in silence
now i fear the moment your last breath come
i pray it evades you
for when it depart

orphaned i will be

Lack of courage
To tell the truth
It will sting
Clever play on words
Edgy jokes
But real eyes
Realise the truth
Although hidden
Age means time spend
Nothing changes over time
Except time
Age brings wisdom from heartache
You claim love
I sense the unsertainty in you
You lack courage
I already know

When eve cry
Angels rush
To catch each tear
Emergency love thread
Catch each broken piece
Slowly gently thread eve whole
The cracks remain
Gold of giving
Gold of love
Gems of faith
Heat of gods love
Mend eve's broken pieces whole again
The mending a memory
The day satan tried to **** god's eve
Heavens darling
Paid with jesus's blood
Your master and creator will never surrender you
Love unending and true

FEAR
my nemesis
between my ears the battle ground
my courage
corroded by fear
my hope
imprisoned by fear
my future
dependent on the daily victories
small and big
each thought matter

in my fantasy world
i live with passion and conviction
fearless
reality , i am a shadow
never truly taking responsibility
never making a declaration
to take my freedom
yes my freedom
to destroy my jail of fear
brick by brick
one negative word at at time
i was born free
now i claim my freedom from a fear filled existance

not a family

i am obligated to bring all before my God in Heaven
the path i travel can only be with his blessing and guidance
i stand in the pond of love
basking in the rays of joy
afraid to bring you before my God
i haide my face in fear
fear of his answer
you not being worthy in his eyes of his daughter
fear of you not being my destiny
fear of having to release you
ful knowing my soul will die
by bibo, my own bibo
you awaken my dead body
breathed fresh air into my life
rekindled my love of life
i dram again
i do not want a life without you

i live in waiting for our moments
to bask in your presence
you radiate love, pure love
it warms my aches and pain
healing blood flows to unhealed wounds
you press me so hard all my broken pieces reconnect
an old battle axe
scared wounded half dead, only existing
day to day
hardly breathing, but to stubborn to yield
wandering in the shadows
needing a home
afraid
you found me
i resisted
you proved love

i am home

meeting by boy and girl through mutual acquaintance
invisible threading to souls
step by step, bit by bit, inch by inch
love grow slow. this is not a race for the finish line
a slow walk till breath leaves
the stars will forever tell our story
we will search for each other after every reincarnation
a key and a lock perfectly match

completely present in the moment
i am with you
no more doubt, no fear, no more questions
rather love with fire than having not lived and loved, an half breathed life

monsters are created not born
each life event that shapes us
heartache, humiliation, pain, tears , sorrow
these combined with loneliness, abandonment
allow monsters to breed , multiply and strife
by the time you realize its to late
each morning i rise
tired from battle
a loosing fight
only extending the inevitable death blow
why i don't know
born stubborn
my undoing
few drops of hope
i thought i destroyed it
faith for a better future
a future that will never come
destined for pain and grief
STOP
embrace the inescapable truth
my monsters have won

forced to live with myself
the greatest punishment
everyday is a burden, a constant struggle
lately i've been asking
what is the struggle about
the more i do the more it hurts
solution STOP
stop struggling and smile for the last
don't panic under water
relax and drown
the weight will carry us to dark depths of water
no-one will ever know or care
no flowers no grave

stages of grieve what *******
true loss, grief never leaves
it latches onto your shadow
follows you
engulfing you
evolving, constantly shrinking and growing
but never leaving
taunting you
until you brake
grief laughs triumphantly
heartache rides in on a pale horse
powerless i watch
numb i only exist
for brief moments in life i smile
not laugh, smile
even a forced laugh
speak words hearts only hear

living alone
something broke
i find pleasure creating self destructive drama
and of course i play the lead
the lone crusader
always misunderstood
always left behind and forgotten
i am so sick of myself
wish i could just reboot
or better delete
home planet will be better of without the drama
my inner sanctuary permanent ruin
silly girl
allow entry to the devil dressed grant
most days i exist switched off
breathing, thinking switched off
i have mostly given up on living
sad but true
the self destructive drama have taken no victim
just claimed its price

these imperfect perfect sinners
lift and carry me
unknowingly
they rescue me
all they do is exist
laugh with me
make jokes with me
share there lives with me
the joy and the little pain
me, yet to stop being ashamed of my pain
cowboys dont cry
raised tough
to cry is weakness
to brake or fail is unacceptable
these unresolved moments
back braking weight i have to carry
a lie told so often it became truth
time to destroy all truths born from lies
the endless struggle
generation to generation
all one goal
truth, reality, to be allowed to be
breaking free of the restraints
last night my demons won
this morning from the ashes rose ME
helped by God, faith and my friends
sempi fi

forgiveness comes easy after atonement
but lack of remorse, reason or atonement
infuriates the bones of the victim
forced to revisit the humiliation , powerlessness , agony and grief
true for victim and victor
we all carry a piece of heaven
it conflicts us
we can ignore
but death brings reality not enlightenment
time the oldest propaganda created to enprison
we believe there is time
endless time to atone
finally face to face with the pain caused and ignored
the monster created through pride

memories the root of pain
when created cause joy or sorrow
when envisioned an illusive dream
when relived give life to our demons
demons that torment and brake us
till embracing them is normal
memories should be lived then erased
each day anew
a blank book
monsters are made from repeat pain through memories
pain that lingers long after the scabs are gone

we all  carry a bucket of grace
to be handed out
more so when conflicted to proof loyalty and appreciation
i tell my heart to keep the course
being crushed by circumstance
blood seeping through my ribs
agony over unanswered prayers
internally plotting revenge
conflicting thought with my teaching
a bucket of grace exchanged for a sea of tears

truth your tempest
your dark mind detest
an air born infection
racing through your body
destroying all good
blinded by deceit
truth recognizable
so many lies
uncountable
un-rectifiable
driving towards a quick end

no one will cry
all worthy tears have been spend
your demise
resemble a wild animal
only wind and sun will know
your resting place
your last words
unrecorded
lost

you rode my hopes and dreams
your weight broke em
blood spatter everywhere
pieces riddle the floor
i'm unsave-able
next stop
the garbage
gathering place for the broken
alive, breathing but worthless
factory reject
caught in a negative life cycle
a curse inherited
my black birth right
what to do?

my head filled with ghost
past, present , future
rooms chaotic and *****
at best
need to shut the door
forever
when knocks come
revere
a deep unfulfilled need
a need overlap with desire
desire for nurturing
physical contact
need for a solution
add dash of consistancey

my face
silent constant reminder
sins willingly committed
by arrogant youth
old age conscience rides you
my face
your penance
all on you
not my sin
your selfish actions
when done
felt great
felt empowered by deceitful acts
now, in old age
cols consequences
the wheel turns
karma wins
you pay price when old

stuff my face
plug the pain
feelings does not need to feel
food addiction the start
the end, death will come slow
enough time to rectify
why rectify?
a flower in the field
wind blows away
no-one noticed or new it existed
point in stopping self abuse through stuffing face?
black life extended, torture at its best
the mind pared with bad memories and hopeless outlook
the best of dungeons to find rest in
cold dark damp wonderful fear creep in

you broke me to feel empowered
what sick math
you lost more than me
trust, myself god can rebuild
loosing someone that really loves you
priceless replace-less
my conscience wont rest
haunted by my loss
powerless to act
filled with guilt and remorse
only crime
trusting and desire to be a family
both ripped from me
the step daughter that is not part of the fantasy being lived
obligated by my faith to forgive 7 x 70
your life joy filled
hardly remembering the unjust
committed and received
my life continuance circle of reliving the bad
you win i loose
you rejoice i die

the 5th commandment
honor they parents
my tempest since birth
prayer with tears pain grief sorrow smiles
blessing forgiveness bestowed
even self humiliation humbling self asking for forgiveness
all pointless
dust and air
darkest before the moon
what moon
moon does not exist
all make believe
you enjoy tempting me
you enjoy trampling me
you enjoy my failure
self gratification
revenge goal achieved
revenge on your own child
to what lows have you not crawled

you charged with supporting me
enjoy through stones and using sticks
joyful laughter at my mistakes
my failure your pride
a second family
now your only family
me discarded rejected alone and theft victim
you got your revenge
but blood lust not satisfied
i am tired
this war not mine
stolen life
you live free and well god has blessed
me muddied struggling hopeless
you win i give up

whispers in corners
always in the shade
running to the light
just out of reach
life long tale
dust in air in between
stolen lives lived
sad eye watch
jealousy creep in
slowly unnoticed
ding **** to late
full grown green eyed monster
hopeless future
desireless breath
self abuse routine
self hatred is fun
evil lives inside

twinkle twinkle
little star
how I envy you
surrounded never alone
all family

please share yourself
I have no one
fear fill me
fear engulf me
despair follow
an old friend is back
depression my only companion
dumb by meds
a coward I am indeed
reality is harsh
I re-lend I cannot face
I feel nothing at last
thank god for modern meds
give my emotions time to balance and anxiety to dissipate

who will bury me
who will look for me
who will wait for me
who will tend to me
who will wonder over me
who will dream of me
who will for I have no one left
will anyone!
no one will ever

I am orphan
by time and space
dreams my glorious relieve
away from a world
that does not want me
and does not love me
and does not care
no human connection
I am held by faith
my GOD my Father
the TRINITY
the SON JESUS
and the HOLLY GHOST
nothing more
and nothing less

twinkle twinkle
grown up star
everyone life
is moving and improving
But me I am so stuck
stuck in pain depression loneliness and fear
they are the only constant I know in my life
i want to go to sleep and never wake up
for this life has brought me nothing
tears
pain
despair
envy
hate
loneliness
depression
BUT all others see is a girl that can land on her feet
a girl that handles her business
a girl that smiles and chat

but no one ever really sees me
no on

mum did
I miss her so
words cannot describe
the void she left

surrounded by the world of people
no one notice me going of the deep end
no one notice my internal struggle
no one notices my internal struggle winning
I have always known no one really cares about me
nothing really struck home
hope was still alive that maybe
JUST  MAYBE
courage kept the coroner sway

but now

are my eyes that dead?!
my brown eyes blend with all the other brown eyes
I am nothing
I do not exist
I am no more

the struggle devoured me
no one came to help

i fear my slow but steady descent back into depression
the gut wrenching sadness is back and stronger than before
fueled by being orphaned at a time of year that poses its own challenges
combined with a fusion of anger, regret, self hatred, shame and desire for revenge
all blanketed by lack of joy of all things and people
left alone my thoughts run rampant and devour me
a history of fighting demons i ran so hard from hoping to never see them again, but lady luck did not smile just a devilish grin

I see couples holding hands
families spending time
the air filled with laughter and joy
the full magic of summer

here i am
alone and forgotten
forced to watch from the outside
refused entry
destiny is mocking me
constantly reminding me of what it is i cannot have but desperately desire and need

hopeless and confused
paralyzed by fear
torn
I wish the days by
happy holidays to me

when you love
the heart takes a silent vow
the mind brakes the covenant
the heart shatters
swim in disbelieve and regret
struggling t breath inderstanding
in the end darkness knows misery , pain and suffering
time does not heal
it binds the pieces into shape
the brokenness remains

Desperately I scroll through my phone book
In need of a friend to listen and care
constantly checking my screen
Is someone looking or thinking of me?
A beep to tell me I'm not alone
I'm not worthless
I'm so hungry for human approval that I disgust myself
I am ashamed of myself
I pray for heavenly mercy and pray
But my faith is lacking at best
But faith is the only one to answer my call

i have to forgive myself for choosing to love you
you got a taste of true love affection and support
you got scared and ran
not before beating me emotionally dead
sealing the deal with i am sorry lies
you played and used me perfect like a marionette
a star performance indeed
but in the end you will regret
it will be a regret that will eat you alive
you will never find someone better that me
good luck with the lesser woman that you chose over me

my life has never been a victory march
it is filled with broken promises
dead dreams and empty wishes
there is no movie soundtrack to break the silence
there is no add break to give space to heal and breath
only the growing list of things i will never experience never enjoy and never know
i live a forced isolation but surrounded by people
loneliness has never missed and appointment

i took a leap of faith
i crashed broke and got discarded like trash

faith is all i have left
it keeps me going
when i am so dead that tears won't flow

With every I love you
Your heart whispered soft promises
Respect, love, protection, friendship and commitment
Why am I collecting the pieces of my heart
So many little pieces
Some so small, lost forever
My saving grace, thought answered prayers
Tested it by faith so many times
So afraid to love
Needed to be sure
Oh God did the devil fool me
Did I unknowingly trust him
My saving grace
The devil with scorched wings and stolen halo
Once me
Me broken and discarded
Worth no more than dirt

This broken love denied house
Still stands
Enduring raging storms and maddening madness called life

what to do with my humiliation at the hands of the best phantom father i could have been cursed with
what to do with the raging anger in that grows with every thought in my soul
methodically you destroyed the love and respect mother patiently planted and watered in my heart
soon only a barren landscape will be left for your eyes to feast upon and denial will quench your throat
you lost your family long time back
to busy to realize and smell the coffee with burned toast
your house is ablaze dad

once i eagerly awaited the patter patter of your feet
a smile covered face in anticipation
my eyes rejoice
my heart race
blushing cheeks are lovingly embraced
to souls joined again
how naive i have been
your patter patter brings anxiety for fear of the wrath
the grows and brews under the service
exploding without any clear sign
the volcano erupts
the molting lava desecrates all living in its path
succeeding in annihilating the last of my love and affection
barren wasteland all that is left
my mind understands
my souls questions
my body remembers
my heart cannot believe, a wounded soldier in disbelieve of bleeding wounds and missing limbs
i have been here before with cold and broken hallelujah's
the show goes on there is no curtain call
falling on knees
arms on high
singing my broken hallelujah

lies that bind and wind souls together
trees creating a jungle over time
the green camouflage for make believe smiles and lives
hustling and bustling
trying to catch the wind
bottle the sunset
and command love
an eye blink
one missed heart beat
death collects
the forging fire seizes
a legacy named
carved in beating hearts
good or bad
a life ended

geselsies oor stomende boere troos
kombuis warm gekuier
stemme weerkaats sagkens van mure
my verlore jong meisie dae
as ek maar kon weet
woorde aan die wind
wys en syd versprei
soos die skerwe van my hart
onherroepbaar weg , stof bedek
die inuitputbare gemis
geen ander skaduwee kan begryp
tyd heel niks
jy leer leef in leemte en skerwes
huis met krake en gebreuke
tot als in tuimel
soet versoening
tot dan
siels kreute, hallelujah