you shower me with affection and rose water words
ever so subtle blind siding me
yesterday you threatened me
today you grabbed my wrist, hard enough
tomorrow, i am not waiting to find out
true no visible bruise
baby i was just playing, covered by a boyish smile
that devilish smile i struggle to resist
but i was not having fun, enough for a wake up call
the love you planted and carefully watered in my heart
are slowly suffocating under the weight of fear for you
trust died the moment the pain signal from my wrist reached my brain
what a pity for us both
this had the potential of a great love affair
the kind legends are made of

pain is shaping me daily
the wonder before my eyes
brings joy
i can see the future harvest
prosperity in abundance awaits me
for in darkness
light is mightiest
love can conquer all
but faith is needed to leap
believe my wings will be there
i will be delivered

you love me
but you do not trust me
you make love to me
but you are distant
you embrace me
but you hide from me
you are gentle and kind
but you push me away
jackal and hyde
love and trust
an unthoughtful marriage

you have conquered my heart
the weak link of the trinity
my strong and fierce mind
you are yet to impress, potential is not action
she sends warning signals constantly through the nervous system
warning against future heartache and tremendous disappointment
with smirk remarks about:
    always having to put heart back together again
    always having to help heart rationalize things
    having to protect heart from foolish action
my soul watches and listens
yet to enter the debate
only one requirement mentioned
God fearing and true follower of Jesus Christ

boldly i stand and ask my Heavenly Dad
resting on his chest
"Dad is he worthy of the King's Daughter?''
the answer scares me
did i listen correctly
after knowing his checkered past
its the wealth of the heart and the content of character that matters most

a strong spirit is just that
after being battered, mislead,humiliated by life and experience in the enemies hope to brake you. like the phoenix from the ash will rise a stronger and wiser spirit. carrying the battled scares with pride for they are your badge of honor. i made it through he storms my faith intack end even stronger for truly a mosterd seed size faith can move mountains. somehow even more beautiful than in youth for age has matured the wine and the beauty

god always answers prayers not always in the time or package that fit into our lives but that is not his objective as Lord and God. it is to mentor and shape us into graceful beauty that overflows with love and joy which ignites a flame so infectious the dark has no choice, but to cede and surrender. his presence is that overwhelming and powerful but he wins with love and uses all that might to protect his children. he is the definition of love, amen.

even on a good day do i feel that i am lacking in others eye's and no matter how i try to reshape myself or add or detract i am never enough. i try and treat people as i which to be treated admittedly not always succeeding but i put in the time and effort. yet i am always left behind. never picked for a summer street game. never invited to events. never part of the social light. i try to just be me and be. but even this cause my heart to tare due to even more mirrors braking.
in the end im left in the dark wondering how come i am willing to forgive and give second chances but non are afforded to me, no understanding or empathy is shown.
and then they call me names

finally i have found what i have lost some three plus years back that indestructible bold unpolished teenage spirit that experienced knew things every single day unknowingly challenging the envelope, and it never broke, but molded and bended to all the magic my mind could conjure up. i stood on the cuff of my future and leaped forward not seeing the staircase but through faith and i flew. i made the mistake of coming down because i missed the misinterpreted notion of belonging to a pride. see when an eagle is raised by ground based eagles who believe themselves to be chickens its difficult to comprehend the new found freedom of the sky it is over whelming and i gave it up, unknowingly.
ever since, i could feel the gnawing emptiness in my soul. the wild wanting to fly and never feel the  conforms of society again. i have been busy with chicken for too long. selling my gracefulness on the cheap.

i may be to late or just in time, but i will arrive to help you pick up the pieces and i will hold them in my hands till you need them or want them back. when you need i will help piece them together and support each piece until the glue sets in. i am anything but polite and political correct, i love to analise and rethink things a million times, and some but i will always be a loyal friend only seperated by your verbal desire to release me from this promise.
even after the loss of friendship i will still bestow the highest form of love unto you: forgiveness over and over again.

in you child of 9 i see my unconquered vices , demons, wars, battles and countless insecurities i carry with from a fiery adolescence into uncertain despised adulthood. i desire to forget my baggage at the terminal but somehow my baggage always find my door. this is not a life i wish upon you. if possible i would cast your pure and innocents in an unbreakable cast to last you a life time and then some.
once i wore your shoes. they fitted me perfectly and i loved them, but i could not stay in them for urgent was the call for me to mature beyond my age. the war trumpets blew and off i went to a war i could not comprehend,. never realizing possession of my soul was the prize.

i would trade my victories for your uncertain battles for my armor has seen the worst and the best of days, you still don't have one, but it not either of our decision to make all i can do is watch and pray and hope and pour my heart into faith that in the end you will be ohk

it has always baffled me across age and time how parents can sacrifice there children happiness on the altar of love to protect there own self centered ego. to protect there ideal ideology of themselves. God help anyone that dare to scratch that image for hell had no fury than a content-less character being unveiled as a fraud. God gives gifts called children for reasons known to him alone this does not excuse anyone from honoring this decision after all we call our selves Christians translated into followers of Christ who loved and honored his father. instead there is endless failures fueled by incapacity to accept and love without agenda's. not love believed but love experienced one rain drop into a bucket meant to over flow.

use to be only quiet moments
but now its boils to the surface of moments in general
the sheer intensity scares me
the longing grows with each tear i do not shed
yet shedding brings temporary relieve
i cannot desire constant relieve for it means forgetting
an action not possible
even if no memory exist it will remain known
like a rose covered by dirt
invisible but present and always gorgeous
i miss her strength
her kindness
her mother heart who always knew when her youngin was lost and could find a wanderer even if in the black of cold
i miss the woman who raised me
i called her mother once
a title she earned through dedication and love proving worthy of the honor

in avoiding the mirror i avoid a constant reminder that i am not even half the woman i once dream t of becoming. half completed and scorched remains is all that remains of once ambitious blue prints.
upon the question what caused the derailment no answer can be given.
how do you formulate a solution if the source cannot be identified? continues moments of these form ties that relate to a rope in representing a life and in these ties its always advisable to add a extra tie called faith and prayer for it keeps the sanity, it strengthens the resolve of the rope to remain whole and helps to carry the weight.
in this lies my hope

for better or for worst
once i was blessed to know the wonder of love, acceptance and complete trust. the trio loosened, watered and nurtured my fertile soil and the future harvest took root and grew strong and wild always reaching to the skies. the farmer never got to see the harvest only the green carpet slowly hinting to change.
who is willing to take over the farmers work and tend to the lush green carpet bulging with potential? many has come forward but with hidden agendas bend on enriching the self camouflaged in the "greater good". these over time do and did and will do more damage than nature ever can inflict. despite all this the land is still present, still fertile, still growing and still hoping for a good farmer. imagining that the true owner has just gotten lost and took a few wrong turns but faith will be the morning star and lead wandering feet home. to the land in time to rejuvenate life and bring in a golden brown ripe harvest that will leave eyes wet and breathless with disbelieve at the abundance and riches despite all the hardship and pain

most things in life come and go
following the seasons of growth and change
but few whims remain and endure the harshest of hardships
they become the theme of dreams
hidden in the glow of the moon
visible to the stars and creator only
but my themes are distorted over-romantic  images of love and freedom
illusions to feed a bitter raw soul
for short lived comfort in endless depravity
**what good is a glowing yet dark moon that eagerly hides and embraces childish dreams that have not matured into reality
that only comfort but never prepares or protects

season's come and go
my yin yang remains constant
through rain and sun
through death and life
the compass remains fixed
frozen in place
searching for a horizon whose existence is uncertain
my famine and abundance
once leveled the scale
now my famine is overwhelming
like drowning but not able to die
but forced to relive the process of death repeatedly
plagued by the natural need for love
it cannot be removed, destroyed, ignored or exchanged
left unattended it grows desperate equaling to enslavement
still sea worthy i follow my compass
hoping for the storm to end and the shore to appear
i no longer wish for the treasure just the glow of land

a dream
a wish
a star that dies in the black sky
unknown, lost among the billions and billions
never to be remembered

i have learned the ability to numb my life to the point where days blur into each other no action standing out above the rest. the action only muffles the voiceless screams of my soul. my life is pain. my life is empty. my life feels meaningless. i bring bliss to others peoples lives why can non of them return the simple favour.

yes i pray, i read the bible and i focus on the silver cloud in the distance but lord knows the distance seems stagnant for oh so long i cant remember the last time it declined. only the illusion that it declines if i try harder.

trying harder and harder empties my soul and i have no refill available. the sky came down one day and took all my refills even the hidden ones. but i am still here half dead a quarter breathing the rest just is.

you judge and sentence my actions
one swift move erasing the cause
easily forgetting your actions
there can be no reaction without an action

take away the emotion and the kicked up dust
left a spoiled brat beyond reform
wrapped in foil to reflect what i wanted to see
what i was desperate to see
in a blessed action from heaven
you broke contact with me
no it was not long
just long enough
to brake the ties around me

once free
i realized your abusive ways
hiding behind social media
dancing the cycle
honeymoon to outburst back to honeymoon
blocked you still try and find my ears
the audience no longer exist
you question the integrity of my character
camouflaging the real issue
telling your family you are an unwanted bachelor
owning up to your actions

from a distance i view the kicked up dust cloud
it reads the integrity of your character
thank god i can walk away

my 3rd vice
my catalyst for food restriction
desperate to sooth my shattered self image
daily bombarded by airbrushed perfect female beauty
braking my image of beauty and showing my cellulite
followed by overloading information about fixing me
regular exercise, beauty routines and Cal restricted diets
insecurity the new female epidemic
we fight for women's rights
and threw the baby out with the bath water
a basic human need
unmet and exploited
our legacy
the English standard
geneticly out of reach for women of color

a stone path
lit by faith
surrounded by black
protected by love
identified by slow adding moments
made to endure time and death
i believed this was my hunting map
now crown less
a peasant wandering
insecure
seeing but not knowing what
lost my will to try
avoid all to protect the heart
my source of life

i believed
i understood the image of love
that i would be able to identify false love
not the bedtime story love
but earnest love
now
i question its possibility of existence

emotionally unavailable or ******* people
myself mutilating chosen vice

(that desperate to feel
needed, wanted and appreciated
i teach pigs to fly
unattainable and insane
but driven by a need i can't control but understand
the war for control over my unfulfilled needs
the worst kind of abuse, chronic insecurity)

usually comes to an explosive end
me, demanding revolution
them, startled

a storm raging in my chest cavity
refusing to yield
relentlessly battering my convictions
my one great weakness
immoral conduct of a "community leader"
my self-destructive vice
my Christian duty compel me to fight my vice
my conscience keeping score
my one enemy i cannot destroy
deliverance!

my ******* affair
a blood covenant
continues negative on the balance sheets
a constant power struggle
my soul and unwavering obedience the prize
secretly a grudge grows
(encouraged by continual love famine
inclined by love withdrawal punishment)
poisoning the source

uncomprehensible to me
why i am always found unworthy
fathers love, blessing and protection
unattainable
withdrawal, nonacceptance and deliberate bad wishes
fertilizes the acre
what will the harvest be
tug of war for my sanity
my Heavenly Father and mum
vs
the enemy and dad
forge in this firepit
born among ashes

leave me
to precious illusions
moments of bliss
love imaged
momentarily eases the thirst
the dreaded melancholy

until

i am awaken

re-remembering the gnawing thirst
even at busy intervals
never a stranger
how i wish providence to come
and quite me of melancholy
impatient i am
resentful, for unwanted experience
that lacerated deep
weak and regretful
but always interchangeable
never constant
she has alluded me in youth
i wonder
in age
have i
atoned enough
will she finally find me worthy
uncertain of my fate
i drift

an innate thirst
a compelling, life altering thirst
for

love

no not passion and lust

but

pure unadulterated love

to drink from that untainted spring
how my soul longs and dream
for the coming of that day
no longer left desolate with thirst
no longer questioning providence
no longer screaming at the sky

but

pure invigoration

a love so earnest
words fail in description
can, only, be felt and instinctively known

but instinct blurred by experience

thank god, above all
me, born in age of female equality evolution
in any other age
me, a slave
confined by financial, educational and social inequality
fueled by power deluded women-peons
leaving mountains and dungeons in passing
tears of blood
shed by disillusioned soul
instinctively knowing,
i can create my own destiny
life time spend achieving
smoothing the road for future daughters
BUT
satans has intervened once more
present daughters do not value
their priceless inheritance
many squander it, willingly
but few remain
with noble footing
instinctively calling out, to higher power
uneducated, still knowing
god exist, he is watching
and my inner strength comes from my creator
who created for a purpose
hail the king of kings

a bad day does not mean a bad life
small insignificant victories by satan does not mean God is not present
look beyond the cracked window and see the glass is holding
God allows satan small victories to keeps us grounded on our knees
what amazing love, tough love to be correct

satan is a servant of his own ego
he hold no true power
except the power we give him over us
he has accomplished nothing, except a failed coo
we credit him
why do we not credit God alike?

My darling,
I never meant for you to grow up in a world absent of a loving grandmother, doting aunts and uncles, accepting great uncles and aunts, protecting cousins.I always believed I had enough time, I believed mum will be around. Till we grow grey and senile together, laughing, praying and, loving. I believed enough time is available for photos. But alas my darling I can only offer you me

From the moment your heart starts to beat
Till my heart stops beating
Our bond will be all absorbing and complete
I will be your safety net and teach you how to soar
**For an eagle you are and soar you must for I am

A lullaby remembered
Remnance of night Conversation between the piano n a flute
Mother and daughter duet
Floads my being with memories
How could I have forgotten
It's what I needed to make do with brokenness
A bravado to fend off, to show strength
Truth is brokenness, exist reaffirmed by a lost lullaby

Takes me back before time made sense
When mum was my universe and I was hers
I love her all my life, she loves me my lifetime

Fly I must, soar I must
For eagle, I am
Held captive, I am, was
Forgot how to fly, I did
Forced to conform, I was
Called rebellious, I am
Dubbed trouble maker, I ,me?
What propaganda, I concur
Easier to believe, I observe
what idiots so conformed brainless thoughtless zombies, I laugh
Hunting for mine,I agree

Up over and under I race for freedom, here I come
Wings don't fail me now, I pray
Out of practise, I am
Just flap and keep us steady, born to
Jump, I tumble in the air
Rocky start, I soar
Higher and higher
Hallo clouds, goodbye clouds
Hallo sun and sky, welcome home

i am known by many descriptive names
daughter, friend, colleague, cousin, niece, aunt, and fellow Christian
but none give a preview of my soul
i myself do not know, brain washed by conformity
constantly seeking my missing parts
its like completing a challenging puzzle not knowing the complete image
blind thumbs in the mist and dark
grasping on to believe, " there must be something out there"

been called a great bunch of things
my favourite is daughter
my worst is friend
with daughter there is a  guaranteed love returned especially in the foxhole
i am yet to meet a friend that returns in my time need

i should be use to being alone in the fox whole
but for some reason hope just wont die
i keep holding out the banner that someday one day
by a miracle unknown it will change

"on grace anatomy a father once said that his daughter always insisted on climbing the highest trees and jump head first of the bridge, and that its his job to catch her."

those words pulled my tight my heart strings into a knot
mom was my safety net, always there, ready to catch me
understanding that i cannot help but to climb the highest and tallest
i cannot help but to head the call of my soul and wander
not lost but hungry for experience and to live
no not achievements
and always knowing instinctively when the wind of change approach
running to meet it open sails never afraid of leaving the harbour
believing that i'm not made for the harbour

after God called my safety net home
i struggled to find my footing, momentarily lost
by the grace and hand of God i found my feet again

am i admired as i admire others beauty?
i admire the strength i view in the eyes, revealing the souls journey
a journey that can be seconds and cover uncountable miles
the soul is quite about its struggles but the eyes cannot lie, cannot hide
honesty in its purest form
i wonder if the owner knows what there eyes reveal to me
how is life better or worst to have such memorable eyes
but deep down i know
pain is needed to create captivating eyes as equal as black and white keys are needed for music
pain gives dept and heals life from shallowness
pain crushes you to your knees, begging for mercy
but rather mercy in life instead of in death

i know pain
i know the black keys more than the white keys in my music piece
but i do not know if my eyes can measure up to beautiful eyes
i know the colour, i know it shifts
but i do not know its beauty
i can only hope to captivate one-day

an old, well known, thought lost, and irretrievable sensation
runs through my soul infecting my body and mind
reaffirming my original slogan, "go big or go home"

fresh 18 year old feeling, but with a touch of maturity
less ambition and exciting-fear
have no idea what i am doing, but this time i know that it is ok not to know

I write to ease my trouble mind, to give words to my broken emotions and to air my soul. A soul afraid of its own shadow, but filled with courage expressing sought after encouragement "tomorrow we will try again".

My true nature not even I have seen and experienced in its fullness. Hating what I see, taught to admire acceptable beauty and to shunned what might be my own unique beauty. I do not seek praise just to be seen, noticed and not ignored and labeled reject, outcast, weird and crazy

Maybe my life experience can help someone realise they are not alone. We all fight the same fight

Many hours spend romanticized my perfect filled life. Husband, children and successful business. Me stand for honor and love, loyal to the family
Dear oh dear what has become of my splendid day dreams. Covered in dust rarely read anymore

When the house settles in
I lay me down
Breathing slowing down
Drift of to sleep
I go home
To my private world
Life is perfect there
But
Pre determined
I have to leave home
Reality I must serve
Here I'm invisible
Regarded worthless
Thus trampled on
Ridiculed
Falaid on occasion even
Cruel barren land
Specs of oasis
Closed to me
Not even an glimpse allowed
Often feeling forsaken

how poor has the world become
when
to feel, you have to bash someone
no matter how odd they are

lead my mind to great people
albert einstein my favourite dyslexic
how outrages was da vinci's ideas in his days
the list goes on, but the world is still the same
no matter the century
all the technology and research has not changed the human nature
to destroy what does not resemble "me"
we like people because they reflect something of us
we never really bother to look deeper at the unique person behind the image

this is why i am condemned to loneliness till death
years of isolation amidst people left my mirror slightly de-angled
thus i cannot reflect what people want to see

my mom is always the hero in my poems
and i end up hoping that she looks down with a smile
i fear her scorning when we meet again, some day
feeling inadequate, did i measure up to her expectations
my dad is always the villein
the one who is managing an inconvenience
i never heard i was beautiful, are loved or are worthy from him
just an endless list of failures
no sister
no brothers
no best friends
just me, mom and dad
one big unhappy trio

love has become a national sport
but what about the rest
the rest who believes in love with all there heart and soul
that believes in the pureness and sacredness of it
they who cherish the innocence of it
people like me

people justify a lot with motivational speaking
in the end the picket fence is littered with nail wholes
each whole resembling a day someone trampled my dreams , unprovoked
in the name of the game

mum's well intended tough upbringing ended in a two sided razor sharp sword
i am independent, intelligent, and successful
that same achievements cause me no shortage of frenemies
and a severe debilitating starvation for true friendship and love
men wont touch me with a 10 foot poll
both sexes make me out to be weird beyond the point of recognising there reflexion in me
imprisoned in a life i wanted, successful
with a incurable case of loneliness, i'm drowning out with food and bad poetry
this is my roaring twenties, hooray
cant wait for the next 80 years
going senile will be a blessing
no longer haunted by pain and unreached potential

when emotions got you cornered in the trench
fox wholes shake with each attacks
debris fly
dust choke the air
oh god, outside the sun shines
the birds don't sing afraid if lead
but what a day to die

no battle buddy, eish

when you left, i was so afraid of forgetting and loosing you,
i gathered all i could find, jealously guarding it,
unwilling to share with anyone, even dad
justifying with, "they had all your life"
i only had my life time with you

i had since come to my senses
realised that no one can take you from me
you live in my heart
i treasure the photographs
some things only i and they know
a secret we whisper to the moon, sun and sky

i never stop missing you
i got accustomed to living with it
i got use to the missing

i didn't loose my mind
she stepped
accused me of ******* with fantasy and neglecting reality,and
of zoning out into dream land
she got tired of waiting for me to come around,
and booted me out of her life

so here i am mindless and loving it
opportunity to find my true self in my art
opportunity to make my craft my own
opportunity to brake free from the confine set by the world

Loose  myself in living life
Drowning like a sponge
Absorbing the second for second  play not letting fear or obsession take control of the remote

the veil
me, captivated from 1st introduction
expression of character
extension of the wearer
women forced to express, communicate, and develop new communication methods
limited with resources reveal, the eyes
they reveal what the mouth dare not speak
deviance, love, hate, pain, or dead soul
they connect between souls effortlessly
only seconds needed to be edged into my mind
to echo eternity
often forgetting the owner, remembering the moment
piercing eyes revealing life lived, dreams forgotten and compromised made

on the other side
i long to see the smile or grin belonging to the eyes
long to connect verbally to know what created the captivating eyes
walking down the street i long, search for :
the thing that makes us human
how we recognise each other
how species compare

the face

crisp black suite
starched white
pinned together with silver pinned tie
swaggen at the alter
awaiting forever
time a hummingbird
steady, furiously fluttering
fear mixed with excitement
will she come?
music
everyone rise
sigh of relive, great relive
shades of red and white engulf his world
the bride, glowing
forever begins

raised on words of Jesus's bible
given examples to follow from street bible
people in fancy clothes and houses
we were the joneses
the Lords word flowed like spit
with hearts black and cold like real street gangster
raised with loyalty to i am my brothers keeper
together we die
together we ride
together we carry the cross
knew no other way and i believed it to be righteous, the path
joke was on me
what a fool i was
i truly believed, " i am my brothers keeper and they were mine"
believed with my life, soul, blood and, heart
i believed, i believed
walked straight into a trap
was lucky when i fell
i fell on  my knees
God carried me out of the misty,cold, dark woods
psalm 23, hallelujah

now i have been blamen daddy for this drama
lets for once put blame were blame belongs
both papa and mamma had mothers, both alive and well
he matriarch of each family
they stood and watch as i was fed to wolves
torn apart i was left to die
of course they had to wait for mamma to die
11/01/2013 God caled her home and open season was declared
God, I never knew i was the trophy

2 years later
i have succeeded in leaving behind the street life
still got mammas husband
a father who love his daughter, but a love i can't take to the bank
i finally got to know the author of the bible and know i'm not alone
i realise in silent moments, to my despair
i may not have made mamma proud
i dropped the code
and i am no longer my brothers keeper
pray for me
please

street cred makes a boy a man
able to take care of business declares manhood
then why are they actin fools around women
playen, traden and, braken hearts
forgetting that is someones daughter, sister, mother, etc
women give birth to men and are trampled on by men
humiliated, disrespected, disregarded, mistreated, abused and, neglected
all with a smile and honey coated words
sweat melting int he mouth bitter swallowing
disturbing to the stomach, difficult to ***** out
trapping women desperate for safety
proudly declaring: "i am man"
sealed with appalling behaviour
this is how i see the generation, from which i have to choose my mate from
party,high maintenance girls chosen
dependable good women ignored
this begs the question what is a real man
lots declare publicly, i am a good man
bias and subjected words to safe faded honor
honor
a word created to make ego taste better