Today, i hate my life
Why, i dont know
Feel stuck on a game board
They forgot to tell me the rules
I keep loosing
Restart game
Forced to play wounded
Today, i hate my life
Tired of being taken for a fool
Tired of expectations given
But broken again and again
I am to old for these games
Gues i will die some day still not knowing what it feels like to be a priority
I creep to space out
Why be present
Reality, nightmare without end
I hate my life
I hate my existance
More plus more plus more
No light
It was consumed by its inner darkness
Arent we all, consumed
Chew chew spit spit
We live skeleton lifes
I hate my life
Its punishment from karma

U upset
Found me smoking
When i smoke
I am feel free
I am above my fears
I feel happy
You understand but fear addiction
I say i control the supstance
It dont control me
I sound like a drug addict
Convincing people your not an addict
I cannot do this alone
I scream in my head
An extrovert not speaking
I need help
I am drowning
I fear
I ooze with fear
But skillfully hide behind well rehearsed pretence
Differant persona
Each unique for its audience
Only one audience no show for
My true self
You givd good advice
Go see head doctor
Pray more
Dont think to much
Its not my mind
Im a prisoner of my unhealed emotions
I go through list of potential surrogates
Non qualifies as allie
Only the true god

I wish for the day to come
That i will feel beautiful
That i dont feel like left overs
That i will know beyond doubt you love me
That i will know you dont think about her while with me
Yes im insecure
Yes i am jealous of her
Yes i fear when you see her again
You will realise that i am a mistake

Everytime you leave
Fear creeps up
Is this the last time
It consumes my thoughts
I feel powerless agains my emotions
A stampeed i face
I love you
I miss my family
I fear loosing you
I fear
Words faill to express
You fail to comprehend
My fault for doubting
Just how much you know me
You study me constantly
You understand
We feel the same
Old lovers
From past lived lifes
Wanting longing and founding each other
I will endure only a short while
Just a few months
I keep telling myself
Trying to drown the pain
Why do i miss you so much
To extend it becomes pain
Then it builds into depression
Your my cure
My disease
My bad habit
My drug
My fix
How did i get to this mess
I hate that i love you so

tired body
callus hands
sun colored skin
mind always analiazing
which is possible next move
like a well played chess game
pride of family
supporting many
silent and strong
tender and loving
true and loyal
i respect your hustle
i appreciate your hustle
day in and day out
if you need i will help build
if you allow i will help
if you call i will help

Once i lived in darkness
Misrable and alone
Surviving on any possible contact
Blending into other families
As the missing puzzle piece
Never finding home
Suddenly you dropped in my life
I resisted
Fear of olden days creepin
Never realised old wounds still festering
You gracefully with love and tenderness
Skillfully filled and continue to fill
My hidden cracks and spaces
Me becoming whole
My greatest gift
Thank you

I fear loosing you
I still dont know
Who opened the door
Who allowed entry
My home deviled
Depression has moved back
My past hurt mixed with a consuming love
A love that feels ancient
Reincarnated lovers
Soul connection for infinity
Fear to loose the gift that is you
Allowed depression to see my potential
I crave daily
Zoning out
Not having to focus and fix
Not having to feel and deal