So used to being,
The matchmaker
The connector
The ugly friend.

I was hoping to be intoxicated
By someone else's love.
Instead I get sparks to fly between two
Attractive, good-looking, well-spoken people.
And I may be be lucky enough
To live out my life in the company of a cat or two.

I told him that we had been talking.
A friend of mine, she had mentioned him the evening before
Said she found him cute.
He reciprocated,
And so some undetermined seed was planted.
A fetal relationship's egg had been fertilized.

And there, I stood
Watching as my work was completed.
Yet it could not bring myself to admire it.

I left my job that evening
With hopes of falling out of sanity.
No such luck.

My experience included
Standing next to my best friends as they kissed at midnight.
And I just basked in my awkwardness.

Maybe someday I will grow out of it.
Or even better?
Maybe someday I will learn to embrace it.

I didn’t see it
but she saw it
it caused our end
it broke my heart
I couldn't see it coming
yet, she pointed it out
I refused to acknowledge it
she choose not to emphasize it
it was inevitable
it came
it happened

I can’t define what it was
it tore up my heart
and it did not do me well
I could not escape it

I cried about it
I moped about it
I dreamt about it
I talked about it
with her and without
even after it was all over
and with how much it
changed me, effected me
I still can’t define it
**** it.

Santa brought no toys so...
... I play with words instead



She passed her driving test
on Christmas eve....
               ...No-L celebrations!

I wish there were words
or pictures
or sounds
that could convey how I feel inside
but no matter how much I try
or how many nights I waste
with pen in hand and paper not far
I end in a teary eyed fury
because the creativity that leaks
from the outside world
into my skin
seethes within my bloodstream
and blankets my being
and it gets stuck
and no matter how much I write
or draw
it just seems to multiply
and I sicken with sadness
unable to share what I have within me.
So I smoke
and pop pills
and somehow
it releases this creative pressure
or seems to display it in my feelings
and I am alive again.

I wouldn’t mind

Going through 

Those bits and pieces
Scattered like stardust 

In my mind 

Moving collectively 

With a desire 

To capture 

All the other 

Unearthly things 

And bring them in 

Like the tide 

On the ebb

Enrapturing my soul

And swallowing the 
Darkness 

Into the shadows 

But under the 
Crepuscular light

All that happens 

Is decided by your deeds

And not your dreams.

What went through your mind, oh Wondrous Creator
When as baby Jesus you let out your first cry
Did you know at that moment you were the Savior
Of this fallen world and all of mankind

Did you recognize your mother Mary
And see her as Your special child
Only you God at such tender a moment
Could give us your all at such tender a time

Did your first sight at creation astound you
As you looked through the blur of finite
From the beginning you'd always seen clearly
In the presence of your Fathers light

Did the warmth of God's Spirit surround you
As the December chill settled over the land
Were you holding the hand of the Father
In the transition from Son of God to son of man

When you heard the first bleat of the lambs
Were your thoughts on being the shepherd of man
That would lead all those gone astray
Did you already know of that day

These are questions that I tend to ponder
On the greatest gift the world's ever known
I will praise you for all of the wonder
The first Christmas that your love, my Savior was born