IT'S 3AM AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT BUT I'M SO GREATLY TIRED BUT I CANNOT FATHOM GOING UNCONSCIOUS WHILE YOU'RE COLD AND BARELY BREATHING.

this feeling is overwhelming.

it's like no matter what, my thoughts are waves crashing, a storm at it's most powerful point.
i'm not sure how to fix it and i'm not sure that i want to.
it's a part of me like water is a part of the shore and couldn't make sense for the water to disappear.
just like it doesn't make sense for my anxiety to disappear because without it, i am not me.
therefore if you ever find me stranded do not try to rescue me.
*you will get lost too and regret it.

I covered my eye with a bold stroke of eyeliner in the blackest shade and masqueraded my lips with a velvety red lipstick.

I was hoping that if you focused close enough on the cover ups, that you wouldn't notice the dark circles under my eyes from staying up all night thinking of you.

Maybe you would pay more attention to the color of my lips than to the words escaping from them.

Because sometimes I say things I don't mean and I don't want to scare you away and I'm sorry.

don't tell me that I'm beautiful
until you've seen the marks
etched in my skin,
and the ones on the inside,
on my heart,
that I hide.

don't tell me that I'm strong,
until you've seen me break down,
fall apart,
time and time again,
and cry until the tears no longer come.

don't tell me that I'm a wonderful person,
when I shut you out completely,
and push you away,
because I promised myself,
that you are just like the rest,
and you'll get tired of me, too.

don't tell me that I'm lovely,
until you've seen what nights are like,
and the terror that sometimes possess me.
seen me sob and tremble and question, "why me?"
until I run out of air
and collapse.

don't tell me that I'll get through this,
that this is only temporary,
until you've seen the inner torment,
inside of my mind,
and the demons that refuse,
to be silent.

but if you have seen that other part of me,
the scars, pain, insecurities and bitterness
that I hide,
the voices that whisper during the day,
and scream during the night,
the darkness lurking behind my smile,
and you still stay by my side,
and think i'm truly beautiful,
then maybe.. just maybe.. I believe you.

but at 4am,

when I can't sleep;

and my bed is uncomfortable;

and my mind is racing;

you would be in my head,

the taste of your lips on mine as the smell of your puffins fills my nostrils.

I would think of your hair
and how it would fall down your waist

so beautifully, and your eyes;

how I could melt staring into them.

and then I would feel okay.

I would feel like I could breathe,

as I see you in my dreams.

As I lay in this bed alone,
I cannot help but think.

Think about the differences
if I were not here to weep.

As I lay in the humid air,
I cannot catch my breath.

Every passage is closing up,
too anxious to let me in.

As I lay with my eyes squeezed close,
I wish I wasn't here.

I wouldn't have to deal
with my troubled filled mind.

And neither would you.

and all i want is
to have someone who
will love me for me,
despite my flaws and insecurities.

i will love them for them,
despite their flaws and insecurities.

we will love each other,
for who we really are,
despite our flaws
and insecurities