ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
cutting.
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.

I can probably describe in detail
every time I've caught you with a
sad look in your eyes & every time
I've seen you hide a smirk
I can probably go back to all
of the times I've heard you laugh
and all of the times I've seen you cry
I can honestly probably even recall
every cute sneeze, every deep
yawn, every eye roll, every voice
crack, every text message, every
phone call, every hug, every unkind
moment, every sympathetic glance
I remember everything about
the people I love
and it hurts sometimes

everyone was dancing
having fun
not caring about
anything.
but i stood still,
scared of the voices,
feeling like i didn't
fit in.

when he bent
down to kiss me,
i pulled back.
i felt bad but....
i just couldn't.

all i do is hurt people
and I'm so sick of it.
i cant even be happy
at my own homecoming
dance.

he told me to have
a good time because
everything gets better.
but they don't,
its only for a little
while that
they do.

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

" I like coffee. "
I say this all too often when the truth is
I like the way it makes me feel.
I like the sugar I add.
I like the cream and the way it swirls.
I like that it is more sophisticated that hot chocolate.
I like the way it warms my hands.
          all these things go away, though.
I do not like the way it makes me crabby after an hour
I do not like the way it tastes without the extra sugar
I do not like the still blackness when there is no creme to lighten it
I do not like how it doesn't remind me of childhood
I do not like how cold my hands feel when you--
when it is taken away.

In Concert


From the cold bathroom floor
Under bath robe, on top of the bath towel
She says weakly,
I've undressed,
My tummy, messed,
You go to the concert,
By yourself.

I smile and say,
The only thing I will attend this eve is
To you.

We will be,
Just the two of us,
In concert.

I have tried it all
To get the monsters in my soul
Smoking them out
Drowning them in alcohol
Poisoning them with pills
Putting them to sleep with green happiness
Bleeding them out
And yet every night they whisper
I am here
I will always be here
As long as you are here

Dear Pres. Obama,


Need a favor!

My business is falling apart.
Pretty sure, I'm going to get fired.

Can I borrow your
"I blame the Republicans for everything" speech?
Don't worry, I took a poll first.
Your approval ratings won't be hurt, cause they can't go any lower.

Yours truly,
A registered Democrat.