Anger is "***** him"
Anger is yelling at yourself
With all the windows up
Anger is digging your nail into your hand
In a desperate attempt to feel pain
To feel pain over the anger
Anger is forgetting your meds
And screaming at your sister
Anger is frustration
Is disappointment
Is giving up
All wrapped into a nice little package,
Conveniently engulfed in flames

"Nothingness" is usually represented by the color black
Yet the color white is pure and all-telling
"Nothingness" is white hot and unforgiving
Why is heaven always white?
Why is it that I am comforted by a pitch black room, not a cloud filled sky?
Why is it that the complete absence of color and light gives me a sense of calm?
A white sheet will stain
But darkness reveals no secrets

Fearless and driven
Not in the heroic way
Or in the way that builds character
But in the way that digs graves
Fearless and driven to bring about my own demise
Not void of guilt or shame
Fearless and driven in ignoring those emotions

This is my ******* poem
Well, it's not even a poem
This is my message to an ******* that decided my life was worthless
You tore me down
You stripped me of myself
Of the characteristics that defined me
You took away my innocence, my happiness, my compassion, my enthusiasm
You took it all but it wasn't yours to take
Neither is my life. My life is mine
You can try to **** me
Like I tried to **** myself
But you will never take my life from me
You will not get as close to that as you did
I won't let you
Because I realized little by little
In every doctor's chair and with every new pill I take
That you don't define my struggles
You don't deserve that recognition
You deserve fire and brimstone
But I'll settle for the guilt knowing that you almost killed someone who loved you with all her heart
Who let you take her innocence, happiness, compassion, and enthusiasm
I'll let you live with that, and I'll keep living
This is my ******* poem

I realize that I should not be craving the chicken nuggets they served at dinner in the psych ward.
But I do.
I know I shouldn't wish I could return to the peace and quiet of an empty room and crisp white sheets.
But I do.
It is clear that I should not miss the assurance of being checked in on every 5 minutes.
But I do.
I am aware that I should not want to paint ****** pictures every night or eat half baked cupcakes or waste away my day reading the same book.
But I do.
I should yearn for the break from reality.
But I don't, I fear it.
And that is why I'm out here and not still in there.

I don't wear bracelets
I don't wear necklaces
Once I wore rings, but decided it wasn't for me
I used to wear earrings
But the night my mom discovered the blood on my legs
She took them out to clean them
And they never went back in
I don't wear jewelry
But I wear scars like I would diamonds and pearls
Draping my chest, where I scratched until I saw red beneath my nails
Tossed upon my thighs and wrists, where I drag a blade every night
Marks like rings on my fingers, from when I decided to break apart a shaver to get to the blades within
If my scars were diamonds, I'd be the richest woman alive
But my scars are ******
And I don't flaunt them like jewelry
I hide them, like you would an invaluable piece of jewelry
When you want nobody to know you possess it

quiet screams float through my rotting windpipe
I yell out for mercy or release
but my pleas are silent and help lost
how do you break the news?
that you are far beyond saving?
how do you cry for help, for mercy, for release
when you are biting your own tongue
and clutching your own throat

Sadness is 2 am
Sadness is self doubt
Is self pity
Sadness is overbearing
And haunting
Sadness is crying out of nowhere
Sadness is the floor at night
Convulsing uncontrollably from overdose
Banging your head against the wall
Sadness is infinite and finite
Sadness is healthy
And deadly

screaming brain. I'm in pain
hand hits the wall. steady downfall
drink down my throat. I can feel myself float
pills in my hand. this is not what I planned
blood on my skin. my head starts to spin
knife in the drawer. I'm on the floor
laying on the ground. I must've drowned
death is pretty. I'm a pity
you think you can save me? how crazy must you be?
reckless behavior. I am my own savior

Sitting cross legged over a fire
The consensual burning and volunteered pain
The flames whip up and tickle my ears
With them come the whisper whisper whisper
Of my thoughts and fears
Telling me I'm worthless
That I deserve to feel this burn
I place my hand on the hot coals
I throw them in the air like confetti
And my aspirations
The ashes my sanity
The bright light the only hope left

I take life and death seriously
I intended to die
I intended to be nothing
I am alive
I am nothing
I am an empty shell
When I gave the grim reaper my word
He took my soul
And when I went back on my word
He kept my soul
I threw myself into the black nothingness of death and sadness
And now purge myself of the horrid remains
From the night I stared death in her comforting face
And was pulled away from her embrace
To say I never wish to return to the bliss that was nothing would be to lie
To say I want to experience what is beyond that nothing would be to lie
I am grim like my good friend
I am scared like those around me
Yet I am different than them
I stared death in her beautiful face
And now see everything in a brand new way

My mind plays you over like a wave building
Breaking
Crashing
Retreating
Then building again
Every time it retreats I imagine it is gone
But then it comes back, the tide is moving closer to my blistered feet
The ceiling fan is still turning
But I turned it off 10 minutes ago
I can never get my room completely dark
The kind of dark that makes you forget
There's always you: the little red light on my powered off television
I can't close the door without it creaking
I can't drink water without coughing
I can't walk without feeling sore
I can't laugh without regret
Or smile without pain
I can't watch the waves
Without breaking, crashing, and retreating

Maybe I'll go for a walk
                                                                                                    no you won't
But it's so nice outside
                                                                                                        who cares?
Then what am I supposed to do?
                                                                                        just go back to sleep
No, I can't it's light outside
                                                                     put blankets over the windows
That's ridiculous
                                                                                                        who cares?
Maybe someone will come over
                                                                                             nobody likes you
But they say they're my friends
                                                                                          they don't like you
But they say they do
                                                                                                          people lie
I should eat something
                                                                                              no you shouldn't
But i haven't eaten yet today
                                                                                                                      so?
I really think I should get out of bed now
                                                                                             what's the point?
It would be good for me
                                                                                           **you don't matter

Rusty knives and razor blades
Prescription pills and *****
Head banging and punches
And self inflicted trauma

**** hits and tall buildings
Open windows and tears
Cold showers and beds
And gone, forgotten years

Choke holds and slaps
Suffocation and crying
Pain and suffering
And constant constant lying

Leather chairs and doctors
Empty pill bottles and warnings
Stitches and bandages
And lonely, cold mornings

Emergency rooms and ambulances
Cold ground and screams
Stuff me in a hospital
As I tear apart my own seams

tell me about the sunshine
tell me about the rain
tell me about the happiness
tell me about the pain

her hair was blonde and wavy
she would wear it down
and run her hands through it,
like clockwork

her smile was bright
it came just as often as her laugh,
also luminous
like a starry sky

her skin was soft,
her eyes blue,
her cheeks full,
and her lips pink

she graced a room with her presence,
her enthusiasm,
her wit,
and her smile

she stood up for her beliefs
and protected her friends
she was a fantastic gift giver
and an excitable partner

she gave often,
took rarely,
lifted up those around her,
and never stopped loving

all the while,
she was fighting a losing battle;
one with herself,
in the comfort of her own head

she bore the battle scars
on her legs, wrists, and hips
she hid them with her smile
and that ever so frequent laugh

she could not explain
why she, a girl with such promise,
felt like rotting wood
and cracked pavement

she could not,
and would not,
come to terms
with her withering state

no longer believing in herself,
she succumbed,
broken and fearful,
and left her body