if jesus died for all our sins

he left one behind

the body i'm in

same hands that made

the moon and the stars

got carpal tunnel

and forgot some parts

i wanna take you somewhere so you know i care
but it's so cold and i don't know where
i brought you daffodils in a pretty string
but they won't flower like they did last spring

at first i had problems remembering your name, later you were the only thing on my mind

there’s a certain.

emptiness.

that i haven’t been able to fill.

ever since we left.

truth is
my mom never warned me about drugs in the streets
cause she didn't care
just like the one with the blonde hair and a heartbeat

"new milo, when i brought you into the world i said to you "this is the world".
i showed you my one-by-one block and i said "this is the world, this is all there is. just a single block of existence and you will live here forever."
new milo, i may have fabricated the truth slightly.
new milo, there's a lot more to the world.
and you may be thinking like ah, there’s so much more to this world that you wish you could go explore.
well i’ve got good news for you, new milo.
you can go and explore it. you can go and explore this world.
this is all yours, every square inch of ocean, is yours.
that’s all i want to do. that’s all i’d like to do.
i want new milo to swim forever.”

comparison.

is killing me.

slowly.

i’m so sick of myself.

i’d rather be anyone else.

jealousy, jealousy.

'we don't suit each other'

'not yet, we will in the future'

'i doubt if we ever will'

maybe i'm not meant to be
not meant to move
not meant to exist
not meant to live

maybe i'm not meant for you
not meant for fun
not meant for joy
not meant for love

maybe i'm not meant for emotions
not meant for tears
not meant for anger
not meant for laughs

maybe i'm not meant to be.

"oh"

it actually means that my heart just got ripped into a million pieces but i won't tell you because you don't care how i feel anyway.

you made me,
laugh more
cry less

you got me,
blushing
smiling

the days,
they're brighter
not as dark

it was you

it's so hard to have a best friend who's a cisgender, heterosexual, tall, skinny man.

he's literally everything i wish to be.

it's not jealousy
it just hurts to see
someone else become the person
you love the most
when you will always
be that person for me

the counter is almost at 4 months.

4 months clean.

but i'm not proud.

cause what i didn't count.

were the burning hot showers.

and the scratches all over my body.

i usually don't cry.

but i don't think.

my tears have stopped flowing.

ever since i left that place.

feeling homesick for a place that isn't your house is the worst.

who am i to you?
your friend, your love, a stranger?
do you feel the way i do?
or am i just getting my emotions into danger?

there's so many things i wanna tell you
but too little words to explain
there's too little words that came out of my mouth
and too many thoughts stuck on my brain

if a broken heart is broken,
it will never fully mend

it was too short.

way too short.

those four godawful days.

where i lost my mind.

but not in a way you would think.

i didn’t stop caring about anything.

i became overly aware of everything.

your smile.

your laugh.

the sound of your voice.

your hair.

your eyes.

the perfection of your teeth.

your arms.

your hands.

the tenderness of your fingers.

your manners.

your personality.

you.

'don't be silly, from my love back to a lad'
'we were just two boys in love, what's so bad?'

i'm sorry
i'm just
too broken to be loved

today i saw hope
hope is scary
hope means future
future is scary
future means moving on
moving on is scary
moving on means getting better
getting better is scary
but i will get there
with my people
and you
you are one of those people