I'm all dressed up in bourbon and black
screeching at the stars until they burst forth from my navel
unraveling and unapologetic,
sprinting down uneven brick pavement
triple-dog-daring gravity to spite me
so that i can say it was an accident when
I swap spit with the earth, bloodied and laughing and
lustful to kiss her molten center.
in stolen whispers
I pray the moon draw closer
and taste the heaving tide,
salty and biting on her lips.
the whole universe is caressing me in secret.
wet and wanting, I cast myself into the sky
as an emblem of the siren that seduced me
as she crooned the milkyway into existence.

tw: ****** assault





all the angels from my
childhoodteenagecollege days
burnt their wings off to **** the sun

the dynamic of an unlit
cigarette
dangling
electric from my loose smirk
swoons me
into momentary ecstasy!
something
about the way you're almost
slipping right out from under me,
the way
you tug at my bottom lip, hovering,
anticipating ecliptic
friction heave release
(bouncing a breath out of me).
my eyes wax full moon.
then,
a lunging focus
on the sphinx in your pupils narrows my gaze,
and I croon
at the tingling peaks of my cheekbones.
a silent invitation,
hungry,
waiting,
for lips to purr in reply
for your honey eyes to melt at the edges.
gooey pinpricks up the spine baby,
some roller coaster ride you are.
tracing a meticulous outline, mouth
dancing up the neck,
caressing fingertips, and
a sharp breath
before a jump over the ledge to certain heaven,
sailing
down a matchbook strip
pooling the air with sparks
and sighs,
landing feet first
as I light my cigarette on fire
and drag my liquid eyes up to the sky.

if I am to love you,
I will love without expectation
of return
or reciprocation-
neither acknowledgement
nor honey sweet affection.
I will love despite
brutal response
or dismal absence,
regardless of wounds and abscess,
and with no regret.
I will love every part
radiant and rotten alike,
leaving no portion of you out in the cold of night.

if I am to love you,
I will love with conscious intent,
not based in fleeting emotion,
but grounded
in purposeful action
and ever-evolving
spiritual awareness
of the pure metaphysical essence
of you-
and I-
as One.
I will remember that love is a garden,
and not an avalanche.
I will love in understanding
and trust that
there is nothing that separates us,
transcendent soul
immanent in each bone.

if I am to love you,
I will love in tranquil tracing,
in tender waves -
ascending and
receding.
candid caressing
peacefully pulsing pace of peeling
back layers
of my self-skin
to return to
the egoless origin.

if I am to love you,
I will love in humble gestures,
sacrificing all before me
not for moral glory,
but to recognize
shared sacredness.
surrendering desire and attachment,
equalizing all extensions
of the
you-me matrix.
I will love stepping over
self-interest
and dancing into harmony in singularity,
entire generosity
sharing all the puzzle pieces of me.

and,
if I am to love you,
I will love wild
true
and free.
letting the universe
continuously
wash my eyes in new clarity.
opening further
each golden morning
to share the light it has gifted me.

if words could capture
the feeling
of being
with you again,
i would write them all.
scribbled up the sides
of ancient oak trees
secrets engraved onto leaves,
comfort stretching tall
into the night sky.
the cold strips clarity
into clouded eyes -
you are not mine
to hold,
but you are mine to have,
and the love shared
need not be
spoken,
how you have
and have not cared
displayed in token gestures.
i sit in peace
with both
knowing,
you
are exactly who you have always been
and will remain,
and i
am equal parts
your opposite
and reflected same.

do not forget
about the ten foot fire roaring in your chest
or the electric current pulsing through your fingertips.
you carry all the wild power of the crashing sea and
the earth's molten core burning splendor below your feet.
you contain the potency
of one thousand volcanoes in simultaneous eruption,
you wield the fervor of tsunamic destruction,
and hold the clout of countless suns.
you are an unrestrained cosmic undulation
shooting etherial bolts of lightning.
leaving trails of stardust in your wake,
you plant seeds of galaxies where the ground splits in after-quake.
you speak castles into the sky
and summon purple moons to dance by your side.
you, are a fearsome mystic darling -
remember this when you awaken each morning.

if i know but one truth,
it is that our souls
have met many times before,
various forms
of this flower-fairy friendship:
once as moon,
then as sea,
another as towering oak tree and ancient sun beam,
and again as volcanic rock
sprouting a citrine garden
crystalizing daydreams.
we are but
fractal spirals of concentric consciousness
spinning sapphire, rose quartz, and amethyst
through the infinite sands of time.
place your hand in mine
and find that its been there all along,
we've always been singing the same song.
so when you feel your love is far gone,
just hum your melody
and my harmony will fly along,
land on your shoulder,
and softly remind
that my heart rests in yours,
that our spirits are intertwined,
eternally dancing
to music of laughter
and heartbeats.
and though this moment
is fleeting,
though our path unsure,
the tranquility
of traversing this tome with you
of frolicking through forests
and peeling glue
off of our third eyes
to gaze at glorious
galaxies of possibilities
that lay waiting at our feet,
brings untold peace.
my dear purple sweet,
you are the stars above
and the river below,
a bolt of lightning
the vibration of ohm.
and wherever you may go,
always know
that the light you share
will return tenfold,
and that my love will be with you
to have and to hold.

a blink. a gasp. a sharp thud.

the earth is quaking,
soul shaking,
mind breaking.
this cannot be.
i must be trapped in an alternate reality,
and its gruesome fallacies
are bringing me to my knees.
my stomach is a knotted tree,
spitting out thick profanities
at demons who mock me
and my ghastly scream:
"how can this be?"

in every dream i'm fallingfallingfallingfalling
no bottom to the depths,
and when my eyes jolt open
i wonder,
"is this how you felt,
like there was no ******* end?"

but i choose to believe
you were flying -
soaring over valleys of wildflowers,
as rivers powerfully
race you
across sun-soaked lands,
through layers of hot quick sand
and into the vast ocean
reflecting moonbeams and old daydreams.
as osiris weaves
your laughter through
the tapestry of stars,
and guides your flight
round saturn's rings,
and spins you off to galaxies
where you glide past suns i cannot see.
you're bouncing off comets,
growing unbreakable wings.
and oh, darling,
you're universes beyond me,
gloriously wrapped in the heavens.

but in the deepest caverns
of my hollowed out heart
your spirit resides still,
and your joy and energy and love will
always reflect the universal pull
of the web which connects us all.
and though your body may no longer be with me,
your soul has transcended into everything i can and cannot see,
and one day -
one beautiful day,
we will all join you in eternity
laughing and dancing and free.

thank you, for sharing your light with me.

if i could count the number of times
i've prayed to forget,
or wished to deflect
my feelings
when your rejection
stings me,
it would outnumber the stars in the sky.
but if i loved less,
chiseled out and repressed
my indulgent heart,
would i remain this person?
could i give myself away
just to be certain,
that the sharpness of dodged glances
would no longer lead to submersion
into a sea of glass shards,
ripping and tearing
blood thickening
into rocky scars,
barricading my laughter
burying my spirit in the rafters
to be stolen by scavengers -
you *******.
train my body to love you,
only to rip the bone from sinew
and regurgitate the overused pieces
spitting
them
as feces -
i am a junkyard.
mark my soul as marred,
guarded by ghoulish goblins who
gamble keys to sacred chambers,
spilling mysteries of the inner sanctum
for two swigs of liquor
and a foolhardy anthem.
mock me if you will,
but my honesty still
beats
your
silence.
i want your soul to boil over and spill,
all over the floor,
so i can see if you're sincerely disgusted
by the truth i entrusted
to your cloudy conscious.
i hope you forget all of this
as the morning sun wakes you hazy
and finds you hastily
running
away
again,
to escape me.
i have made too many bargains.
the devil seized my soul
so i could hold you in my arms
for five more measly seconds.
i refuse to keep
stumbling over regret
but,
what a fool i was,
to think i was your friend
instead of your
*****
little
secret.

the breeze i stepped into
face first, head strong
whipped into an icy slap
on wet raw skin, burning cold.
frozen toes wiggle for friction
to warm the frostbite
off my instruments so i can
trip the light fantastic,
spin out my sorrow
through following the dance
beating within my bones - but,
my extremities are numbing
as a weak engine pumps in overtime
to keep the train rolling,
and circulation recoils
to a comfortable center of
stationary pulsating warmth,
restrained by fear of icy rejection
spit from a cruel peanut gallery.
oh, their words stick to me
wool strands on mangled velcro -
even when they retract,
the fibers remain embedded in claws
no hours of untangling can release.

instead i am craving hot heavy hands
to cradle the crumbs of this
disintegrating soul.
place them in a mason jar
to feed your withering interest,
but scraps won't satisfy
the starving growl of this monster,
so eat me up and spit me out
rearrange the goop
to create a picture on your plate
of guts and glory
that tell a sickening story
where the joke runs reversed
and the punchline hits you first -
followed by watered down
explanations for situations
you'll forget once you step through
that tavern door, hit the floor,
and spin round three times
dont look in the mirror
god forbid you utter a rhyme,
or reflections of forgotten ghosts
will rise from your glassy eyes...
quick! paint them over one, two, three times
with dusty excuses, tinkering
with time pieces to turn it all back
maybe this ride round
the cycle will snap back
into forward motion...
but intention begets direction,
and your heart is set on distraction by fire.
burn the sight from your eyes
so nothing but the smoke from flames
will rise into your mind,
smothering cries from olden times
that are calling you back to the order divine.
but here you are, fulfilling the prophecy
proclaimed by white men in black ties
standing six feet below, all in a row:
"well well little darling,
your house is in ashes
your feet stuck in the snow
who will you turn to? where will you go?
better run back into our arms,
where silent sedated clones grow."

just wipe the madness from your ears
open your eyes and see through the tears.
where your home was burned down
a cosmic garden was sewn,
and when the ground is watered
by the outpouring of your heart,
wildflowers and birch trees will sprout.

bone chews flesh,
crunching on raw edges,
rough and repetitious.
incessantly running over scars,
making sure of their existence, continuing to reopen
wounds made eternal by habitual compulsion.
oral fixation
gnawing on words chained in a churning stomach
bile sloshing up at the roof of a throat
left rug burned
from pleading with a preoccupied lover.
jaw locked on malicious intent,
reckless and rampant with silenced regret.
feeding a delirious desire
with insidious acts
sworn not to commit nor dissent.
lost,
spinning on the same man in a different mask
lost,
swimming in regurgitated phantoms
lost,
sick and solemn on the edge of a moonrise
peering into the belly of a beast that resurrects each morning
brandishing a new name,
and an old sword
forged from karmic residue and ancient power
wielding shadows over the watch tower
smothering sparks leaping from fire
spelling minds to forget their mistakes and souls to retrace
disaster.

i have been here before.
i have been here before,
i have danced to this tune in this dress,
i have held your face in this light,
i have seen the sun rise from this bed,
i have watched you slither from my side i know what comes next i've been here before.

i have been here before
i have etched this pattern into these palms,
i have chosen this chaos from this cup,
i have mistaken your touch for love,
i have backspun into a woven embrace i know what comes next i've been here before.

i have been here before
i have yet to rip up maps to the temple,
i have yet to cleave the imprint from my mind,
i have yet to drown the longing in my chest,
i have yet,
to muzzle the insidious glimmer of hope that this -
this time will be different.

i have been here before.
i have wanted those who dream of others.
i have sacrificed my blood to a dead god.
i have laid my innards in blinding spotlight i have worn pathetic eyes into bleary nights i have stood in the lightning hellbent i have sent love letters to a nonexistent address i have sung for the mute and deaf i have given myself to those barren of intent i know what comes next,
i've been here before.

i still hold ten thousand colors of feeling
and i still wave my flag half-mast.
i still look into the distance when i hear footsteps creaking
and i still wish they were yours coming to find mine,
i still convince myself of fantastical lies.

i have been here before.
i am no tourist.
i am no native.
i am a woman with no face
and no name
who hides in the crest of the shore
waiting for the tide to sweep her away.
i am a moth trying to touch the moon set ablaze by candlelight
spill my ashes over your bed,
and lay with me
here,
one last time tonight.